Original subtitles

Oh, Carol.

Carol Channing. 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Channing.

Thank you, Scooter. Scooter, are you aware that it's freezing in here?

Oh, yeah. It's got to be for the penguins.

Well, why do we have to have penguins?

So the walrus won't get lonely.

Well,

now I understand why my closet is full of dead fish.

show with our very special guest star, Carol Channing!

It's time to get things started. I'm the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, marketational.

The Muppet Show, where our special guest star is everybody's favorite musical

comedy star, Miss Carol Channing.

Yes, so here she is now in a Muppet salute to the wonderful world of

ophthalmology.

Creepers!

Creepers! Creepers!

Where'd you get those creepers?

Creepers!

Creepers! Where'd you get those eyes?

Gosh, oh...

How'd they get so little?

Gosh, oh, get up. How'd they get that size?

When you turn those heaters on.

But me, why?

You should get a prize.

How'd they get that size?

Where did you get those eyes? I, I, I, I, I, I like you very much.

I, I, I, I, I, I think you're beautiful.

Why, why, why, why, why, why? When I feel your touch, my heart starts to

to beat the best.

I put you the first time I looked into them there eyes.

You've got a certain little cute way of flirting with them there eyes.

You make me feel happy. Never make me blue.

Going in a big way for sweet little you.

Them there eyes.

Well,

what a great number. We can send roses back to Carol Channing. Why don't we

the weird guys with the big eyes?

50 lashes.

Okay, very nice. Nicely ogled. We were okay?

20 -20. Oh, Scooter.

Yeah, boss? Hey, Scooter, I got to change for the next number. I'll be

back, okay? Check, chief.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

Oh, hi.

Scooter! Yes, Miss Piggy? Scooter, will you help me? I can't go another step.

What's wrong?

I just bought these new shoes, and they are...

Killing me.

Help me get them off, will you? Sure, Miss Piggy. I can't.

Let's just pull.

That's one.

Never again.

What's wrong? Didn't they have your size?

Scooter, dear.

You wouldn't understand.

You're not a woman.

I guess not.

I'm not even a pig.

Okay. Oh, Miss Piggy. Are these your shoes? They look new.

Yes, they are, but I'm taking them back. They're just not the right... Oh,

they're not the right style for moi.

I wouldn't say that. They look very elegant.

Sure,

I bet you'd look terrific in them.

Yeah? Promise you won't ask any questions.

Okay, I promise.

Help me put the shoes back on.

Are you crazy? You promise?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat tonight, because with us

one of the great stars of the silent screen.

Now, although you may not remember her name, she was once a superstar.

And here she is now to tell her own sad story.

My name is Cecilia Sisson.

Oh, boy. Cecilia Sisson, huh?

Certainly. S -I -S -S -O -N Sisson.

Yes. Now, I understand that your last film was the world's first all -singing,

all -talking picture.

Yes. I'd been on the silent screen for seven years.

Then I spoke and sang in Mississippi melody.

And then what happened?

Overnight, I hit the skid, so

to speak.

Yes, that's certainly an amazing story, Cecilia. They seemed to feel that there

was something wrong with my voice.

No.

Sadly so.

Now, as I look back, I say, Cecilia, if

you'd only learn to keep your big mouth shut.

Thank you, Cecilia, and...

Cinderella, who sold you the slippers? A shoe salesman or a sausage stuffer?

My dear, before you say anything more, why don't you

just jot down your next of kin?

It'll be easier for the authorities.

Oh, Biggie. Oh, hi,

Kermie. Oh, I see you're wearing your new shoes.

They look very nice. Thank you. Hey, let me see you just walk around a little

bit on them.

Just walk around a little bit. Let me see the backs of them.

Nice.

Hey, can you dance in those two?

What? Sure, let's just dance a little bit. Here we go.

Oh, the next number's on. This is one of my favorite numbers.

What's that?

Your feet's too big.

My, oh, my, don't you look nice.

Why, thank you.

Oh, you got such a...

Pretty face.

Ow!

I love your shape.

No.

Matter of fact, there's only two things wrong with you. What's that?

I'll tell you about it.

Stay up in Harlem at a table for two.

There were four of us. Me.

Your big feet and you. You're such a tease. From your ankle up, I'd say you

sweet.

From that down, they're just too much feet. And your feet's too big.

Don't want you, cause your feet's too big.

Can't use you, cause your feet's too big.

I really hate you, cause your feet's too big.

Where'd you get them?

Spotted them.

Your girl, she likes you. She thinks you're nice.

Well, I am.

Got what it takes to be in paradise.

She says she likes your face. She likes your red hair. But man, oh man, them

feet are too big.

Your feet's too big.

Don't want you cause your feet's too big.

That should cause your feet too big.

I hate you. Cause your feet too big.

Come on, move them gumballs around.

You know, I bet if you had any shoes, you could rent them out as storage

Oh, yeah, your

pedal extremities are...

Just like a fossil.

You got me walking, talking, squawking.

Oh, yeah, because your feet's too big. Oh, yeah.

Too bad you ain't got dainty little feet like me.

Bet you need tow trucks to move them around.

Oh, don't think you got a lot of soul, honey.

You want to hear some penguin music?

Hey, Bo, let's play some penguin music. Make this little dude feel at home.

Waves. Penguin music?

Oh, that one.

Don't you get out of the way!

You'll recall that in our last episode... Wait a minute. Miss Piggy

yet.

Start without me. I have a little problem.

Captain, you'll recall that in our last episode, the crew of the swine track was

being held captive by an invisible force field.

This is serious, Captain. Some terrible force field is preventing us from

leaving this room.

Look.

That's dreadful. I'll try this door over here.

Maybe if I got a running start.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Here I go.

That's fine. I wouldn't do that. Oh, this is terrible. Here we are, trapped

forever. Nothing can penetrate this invisible shield.

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

Don't do that. The invisible shield.

Who cares about the invisible shield?

All these shoes.

But the invisible shield, that's part of the sketch.

I don't care.

I'm in great pain, though.

This sounds like a job for Dr.

Bob.

The invisible shield.

Now then, what's the trouble?

Oh, Miss Piggy's in big trouble.

Of course she's a big pain. What else is new?

That does it. Just get out of the sketch.

Yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am.

I've been trapped here for all eternity.

Get me out of here.

How will we ever get out of a...

It's time for another adventure of Pigs in Space.

You know, we have him at the hospital, too.

Come in.

You know, I've had troubles like this myself, and I read somewhere that if you

soak your feet in pickle juice, it shrinks them.

Pickle juice? Yes.

Carol, I can't do that. I mean, people might say that I have... Oh, don't say

it. Of course.

Pickled pig's feet.

How could I be so gross?

I tell you, darling, what you need is to have these enlarged.

Timmy!

Yes, ma 'am, Miss Carroll.

Timmy, could you please put these on your feet and run around the block

times like a good boy?

Okay, Miss Carroll.

You sure that'll work?

Sure. Just this morning, I had him stretch a pair of false eyelashes for

Good meat.

Good meat. Meat's meat.

Give me back my shoe

Timmy Monster to stretch your shoes for you? Shh, shh, shh.

Comey, I'm just about ready for the number with Carol.

Oh, good. I just have my hairdo to do.

Uh -huh.

Piggy, you're not wearing those cute shoes.

Um, well, Comey, I just sent them out to be... Stretched. Polished. Yeah.

And among the other people there, we will...

what I wanted to tell you about.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a

girl's best friend.

A kiss may be grand, but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat

or help you at

These rocks don't lose their shape.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Um, will you excuse me, girl?

You mean this?

when a hard -boiled employer thinks you're awful nice.

But get that ice or else no dice.

You're done when stocks go high.

But beware when they start to descend.

It's then that those louses go back to their spouse.

It's been wonderful playing the palace.

But before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest, our lady and gentleman,

the terrific Miss Carol Channing. Yeah!

I did want to thank Miss Piggy. Oh, Carol, here I am. Oh, thank you.

Miss Piggy, dear, you wear diamonds.

So well, doesn't she? And you sang the song just beautifully. Oh, thank you,

to tell you the truth, I have a confession.

The diamonds are not mine.

They're not?

Yes, they're rented. We have to return them in the morning.

Oh, but couldn't she just keep one little diamond?

Well, uh... Oh, it would be such a nice present for her.

Oh, well, uh, okay, I guess.

she chose an engagement ring.

What?

Congratulations.

That's not an engagement. This is going far enough, ladies and gentlemen. We're

just kidding.

We'll see you next time on The Muffin Show. You're all invited to the wedding.

That's not an engagement.

With friends like these, who needs emeralds?