Original subtitles

Andy Williams?

Andy Williams?

Fifteen seconds are curtain, Andy.

Terrific, Scooter. I'm all set.

Oh, by the way, Andy, thanks for sharing the dressing room with the Limburger.

Oh, that's all right.

I was warned this was a cheesy show.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Andy Williams.

How much do you want not to start?

It's time to get things started.

And we're going to have a wonderful show because tonight's special guest is one

of my all -time favorite people, Mr. Andy Williams.

But first, here is an opening number, My Kind of Door.

Midnight. One more night without sleeping.

Watching.

Till the morning comes creeping.

Green door, what's that secret you're keeping?

There's an old piano and they play it hot behind the green door. Oh, yeah.

I don't know what they're doing, but they laugh a lot behind the green door.

Oh, wish they'd let me in so I could find out what's behind the green door.

Here goes.

Knocked once.

I tried to tell them I've been here.

No.

A door slams.

Talk is in there.

I wonder what's going on in there.

watching till the morning comes creeping.

Oh, Green Door, what's that secret you're keeping?

Green Door, what's that secret you're keeping, huh?

Green Door.

At first I thought that number was going to be good, but then... Then what?

Then they raised the curtain.

Well, thank you, but we rehearsed Moon River.

Well, um... Andrew, I have a little secret between you and

me.

What?

You and me.

I know what it means, but why?

And Kermit.

Kermit? Oh, yes, yes. Kermit, yes, yes.

You will sing Love Story for us, won't you?

Well, of course I will.

The frog and the pig getting married. Yes.

Soon there'll be the patter of tiny...

Now, one of these dancing cheeses seems to be missing. Now, do you know anything

about this dancing cheese?

Rats. Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I wonder if I may make an itsy -bitsy

suggestion for tonight's show. I guess so. What is it?

Cancel Moon River and have Andy Williams sing Love Story. Miss Piggy, I can't

just change the running order now. Besides, Andy is associated with Moon

And you know who is associated with Love Story, don't you?

Look, Miss Piggy, the Moon River set is already being moved on stage, so forget

it. But Kermit... But Kermit told us to put this on the stage.

Really? I don't care.

Just take that back and bring in the love story set.

But if we did that, Kermit would fire us.

Would you rather be fired or dismembered?

Dismembered sounds like fun.

We'll take fired.

Ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world's great entertainers

and recording artists, and here he is now, Mr. Andy Williams.

The sweet love story that is older than the sea The

simple truth about the love she brings to me Where do

I start?

With her first hello she gave me

To this empty world of mine.

There'd never be.

Another love.

Another time.

She came into my life.

And made the living fine.

She filled.

much i can say till the stars all

burn away

He called up his witnesses at the trial.

What trial?

Well, you don't think Annie's going to take this lying down?

Good number. Nice number.

Come here, kids. Don't be angry.

You know how I hate romantic junk like that.

Oh, congratulations, Chief. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

You'll need it.

What was that all about?

Oh,

that scooter and his dumb little jokes.

I'm going to play it the way...

have been reported at the edge of town moving towards city center. The cheeses

are reported to be smelly and often in the company of crackers.

Most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses naturally are in

wheels.

Time once again for

Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dog.

patient nurse janice here he is dr bob oh dr bob what a cute little bunny i

wonder what his name is well he hasn't said what's up doc so it isn't you know

who who doctor it's not who doctors doctor who that's another show oh

oh is he related to dr witch no it's not dr witch it's witch doctor and that's

another ball game

Rabbit and Costello.

Hey, look, can we get on with this? I'm white, I'm white.

For a very important date? No,

that's another rabbit.

Oh, you're not the white rabbit?

No, I'm the wrong rabbit.

Oh, good grief. Now it's Rabbit and Costello.

Dr. Bob, may I remind you this is a hospital?

Oh, I'm glad you did. The way the jokes were dying, I thought it was a morgue.

Hey, hurry up. We all got to get back to the hutch.

rabbits live.

I know that. I even know where it is. It's behind a famous cathedral.

You must have heard of it. The Hutchback of Notre Dame.

That rings a bell.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Good. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Janice say... Oh, Dr. Bob, that

was really a long way to go for that last joke. You should have packed a

I ate it behind the cathedral.

Oh? Yes. I had the lunch back of Notre Dame.

Hi,

Sam. Oh, yes, hello.

Still censoring the show, Sam?

Yes, I am.

Have you seen what's happening in the canteen?

No. I've noted this down. There are 17 penguins rehearsing for a tap dance

number. Oh, good.

Good? Sure, that's what they're supposed to do.

That is not decent family entertainment for this show.

Hey, Sam, why do you do this?

Someone has to do it.

But don't you have a home or something like that? Oh, yes, I have a family. I'm

married. Really?

You have a home? Yes, well, my wife and I are separated.

Oh? She flew the coop.

Do you have any kids? We were very close, though. We were very close.

Oh, yeah?

What's her name?

I forgot.

But do you have any kids?

Yes, I have two wonderful kids. Oh. Never write to me.

They're in college now.

Uh -huh.

Boys or girls? Mm -hmm, yes.

But one boy. One boy, one girl.

Uh -huh, yeah.

The boy's in college, uh -huh? Yes. And what does he study?

I'd rather not talk about it. He's studying, uh,

taxidermy.

I see.

That's good, though, huh?

No, it's not. Oh, no, that's not very good. I don't know how bad.

Well, how about your daughter?

I'd rather not talk about her either. She's living a rather high life there in

college.

She's dating an owl.

Exactly.

Get back to this. What about this? All this.

in decent family entertainment.

There's, besides the penguins, there's dogs singing and pigs, and there's a

cheese singing malaguena. Oh, the cheese. I've got to check and see if the

cheese is ready. Oh, cheese.

You need not worry. As long as Sam the Eagle is here, I shall protect you in

name of decent family entertainment.

Yeah, but how'd you get started in show business?

Well, Scooter, I started singing with my brothers, my three brothers.

in Wall Lake, Iowa, and we called ourselves the Williams Brothers.

Yeah, clever, clever name.

And we used to sing in church, and then we started singing on the radio.

Oh, I guess you sang that old -style music, huh? Well, like acid rock?

Yeah, like that. Well, this was way before that, way, way back. We used to

Barbershop Harmon.

Gee, I wish I'd heard that.

You've all heard of Virginia,

that noble southern state.

Well, very often in Virginia,

all the southern folks get all dressed up.

It's Jubilee time.

It's Jubilee, Jubilee. Get out your Bible book, better get ready to sing.

It's Jubilee, Jubilee. Get out your Bible book, better get ready to sing.

It's Jubilee time.

Folks is gonna be talking tonight.

Folks is gonna be gawking tonight.

Folks will be cakewalking tonight.

What do you sing?

One, two, three. So you met somebody that let you back on your heels.

Good girl.

I got a girl crazy for me.

She's funny that way.

Wait, wait, listen to this.

Pardon me, boys.

Is this a Chattanooga choo -choo?

And what do you sing?

Well, I don't sing. I'm in a TV series.

What? The Ropfert Files.

Booty booty.

Oh, Mr.

Booty Boopers.

Booty booty booty.

Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, it's a well -known fact that some people like doggies and some people like

kitties.

Up to now, if you were given the wrong pet, you had to put up with it. But our

new electronic pet converter solves that problem.

My assistant Beaker is putting an unwanted kitty into the converter.

Yes, go.

That's wonderful, Beaker. And now I throw the switch, and out of the other

comes a cute little puppy dog.

And if you happen to like kitties instead of doggies, the converter works

other way. Show them, Beaker.

Now you can go get your kitty on the other side.

It seems to be some sort of problem.

The important thing to remember is that anything that passes through this door

is turned into a puppy dog.

neat to be sitting here to do a medley with andy williams just like you used to

do on your show huh well thank you kermit uh listen by the way may i ask

question why sure what how do you do it do what you mean sit on a stool like

this why uh any any frog can do that well i knew that toads could but uh

what do you mean toads well surely you've heard of toadstools

You're still mad at me, aren't you?

Well, you did do Love Story instead of Moon River.

Well, that was Miss Piggy. I mean, she told me that you were engaged.

Well, it was very embarrassing.

Well, would it make you feel any better if you embarrassed me?

Well, no.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Okay, let's see.

I don't like your coat.

Good.

Does that make you feel better?

Yeah. Now let's do the medley, huh? Okay.

What don't you like about my coat?

Nothing. I was just saying that.

The sleeves or the lapels or the shoulders or what? No, no, no.

Just forget that, huh?

You're right.

I mean, what would you know about clothes anyway?

All you wear is that stupid collar.

It's a wonder you haven't been arrested.

Okay, that does it. Start the music.

I'm only kidding, Kermit. I love your collar.

Well, actually, I like your coat, too.

What's that?

Except for the buttons.

I knew it was the buttons.

Two of a kind.

For your information, we're two of a kind.

Two of a kind, it's my observation, we're two of a kind.

Dogs in a pond and birds of a feather, alone or together, you'll find that we

are two of a kind.

I like the swamp in June.

I like a Gershwin, too.

How about you?

I love a lily pad when a storm is due.

I like potato chips, mudflats, and skinny dips.

How about you?

I don't believe in fretting or grieving. Why mess around with stripes?

I never was cut out. Two -step and spread out Give me the simple life

Some find it pleasant Dining on pheasants Those things roll off my

knife I dine on mosquito Flies are a credo Give me the simple

life I love the piano I love a piano I love to hear somebody

play Up on the piano A grand piano

It simply carries me away.

So you can keep your fiddle and your bow.

Give me a P -I -N -O.

I love to stop right beside an upright or a high -toned baby grand.

We're two of a kind. There's just no denying.

We're two of a kind.

Two of a kind. Without even trying.

We're two of a kind.

Making it plain.

Explaining it fully.

We're similar, lonely, and kind. Because we're two of a kind.

Except, of course, that I'm a frog.

grater. Oh, good.

And I love the Muppet cheese.

Yeah, well, listen, if you like the cheese, did you get to meet the rats?

Well, rats can be fun, but cheese can be fun, too.

I'm gonna see my lawyer. Why?

Gonna find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste.