Original subtitles

Christopher Reeve?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Christopher.

Oh, thanks a lot, Scooter. Hey, listen, can you tell me what these rats are

doing in my dressing room?

I think it's the Foxtrot.

Gee, most stars get groupies. I get rats.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Christopher Reeve.

You know, if this show was an airplane, it would have been grounded.

It's time to get things started.

Muppet Show. And do we have a show for you?

Well, as a matter of fact, we do.

Yes, and our guest star tonight is none other than that fantastic film star, the

man who plays Superman, Mr. Christopher Reeve.

Yes!

But right now, it's opening number time, and the opening number happens to star

me, which is why I'm dressed this way.

So, uh, what can I say but, uh, let's hear it for me!

Yay!

When the sun goes down, folks all hurry to the edge of town.

At the bayou bank, they stand and wait in the clear air.

Soon the water ripples, gets air high, and the lady touching me does sigh.

On a lily paddled, dressed in white, he appears there.

And then I boogie up and down. and shuffle right.

Slip and splash it in the moonlight night.

Alligators with their teeth so bright, smiling way there, way there.

And tune up with your giant in the jamboree.

Everybody's happy just like me.

Watch him dance on that log.

It's the disc.

New York in June. How about you?

Okay,

way to go, frogs. Nice going alligators and not bad meat.

Well, not too terrifically terrible.

I'm back. I'm back, everyone.

Oh, Kimmy.

Kimmy. Oh, I'm back. Hey, Piggy, where have you been? Because the show has

already started.

Oh, Kimmy. Well, I just stepped out to pick up a costume for my number tonight.

Oh, yeah.

What's so special about this number?

Oh.

You'll get to sing the song again right after the guest star spot.

Oh, good. Who's the guest star?

Christopher Reeve.

Christopher Reeve?

Kermit, where's Kermit?

Kermit!

Gonzo, you're supposed to be doing the first act of William Shakespeare's

while hanging from your nose.

I can't go on.

Why not?

I sprained my...

rehearsing with heavy shoes.

But, uh, listen, we rented the scenery and the costumes and everything.

Yeah, boss?

Do we have anybody else backstage that can play Hamlet? Well, there's Chris

Reeve. He's real good, and he's not busy till the vet's hospital. Good luck.

Just stall for me, would you?

Stall? Oh,

it's Christopher Reeve!

Listen, are you doing anything special right now, Chris?

No. I'm just hanging around the phone booth in case trouble breaks out. Well,

listen, it just did. And I was wondering if you'd like to fill in for Gonzo's

Hamlet spot.

Hamlet? Wouldn't you like to play Hamlet? No.

But every actor wants to play Hamlet. No, not really.

Well, this is your big chance then.

Okay. But you'll have to wear tights.

Well, it won't be the first time.

Okay.

Oh, maybe I should change.

Introduce me, my good frog.

Yes, sir. Right.

Okay, thank you very much, Scooter. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the soliloquy

from Hamlet.

And filling in for the ailing great Gonzo, here is the equally great, if not

better or possibly only a little worse than Mr. Christopher Reeve.

or not to be.

That is the, um,

um, not now.

No, no, no, that's your line.

I know.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of

fortune.

Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet, do you want this now?

Upon what grounds do you disturb my soliloquy? Well, it's time for my coffee

break.

Coffee grounds?

But please don't be mad, Mr. Hamlet.

I'm not mad. I'm acting.

Let me see.

Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio.

Terrific. A fellow of infinite depth and most excellent fancy.

Fancy. Ma always said I was the plain one.

And he hath borne me on his back a thousand times.

If you ask me, I'm still carrying the whole thing.

Why don't you guys sing?

Hamlet doesn't sing.

Hey, I can sing.

You're not Hamlet. Oh, well, listen, Hamlet was my nickname back when I was a

little porker.

Listen, I don't usually perform with amateurs.

Amateurs, eh? Huh.

I'll show you.

Oh, good God.

Wow. Hey, that's Hamlet 2, audience nothing.

We're ready for Shakespeare.

Yeah, well, he's not ready for you either.

Ooh. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Brush up your Shakespeare.

Start quoting him now.

Brush up your Shakespeare and the women you will wow. Just

declaim a few lines from Othello.

Yes, sir. And then sing your one hat.

of a fella.

Hey! If your blonde won't respond when you flatter her, tell her what Tony told

Cleopatra.

And if still to be shocked she pretends well, just remind her that all's well

that ends well. Hey!

Crush up your Shakespeare and they'll all count out.

didn't study Shakespeare when I was a kid. When you were a kid, you could have

talked to Shakespeare.

Oh, let's see.

I better tell Piggy that her vet's hospital sketch is coming up next.

Oh, her door is ajar.

that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum

security sheep station.

This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is

extremely dangerous.

Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.

Hello?

Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be the patient.

Today you're getting a dose of your own medicine.

Yeah, but my medicine tastes bad.

Well, bad taste never bothered you before.

Okay, okay. Who's going to be the doctor?

Dr. Reed.

Oh, Chrissy.

Chrissy. Sorry I'm late, nurse. My caddy collapsed on the 17th hole.

I'm a GP.

Yes, a gorgeous person.

Please, Nurse Piggy, stop panting. You're fogging my mirror.

I can't help it.

I love you!

Thank you.

Let's see now.

Oh, looks bad. I'm going to operate.

Oh, no, no!

Oh, come now, this won't hurt a bit.

Oh, it'll hurt this bit if you don't get laughs with it.

Well, I'm not trying to get laughs. I don't want to set a precedent on the

Touché, touché. Now just relax. I'll have you fixed in no time. Please, never

say fixed to a dog.

Well, anyway, you won't feel any pain. I'm going to put you to sleep.

Oh, no, never say put to sleep to a dog.

Now, now, now, come.

This has gone far enough.

Chrissy, let us go to the nurse's lounge and... Yes?

Lounge!

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.

Reeves say... Wait a minute, I'm not going to be here next week. You mean

leaving? Faster than a speeding bullet.

This show is disgusting. Get away. Get away.

I'm going to write to someone important and put a stop to it.

Like... Dear sir.

This show is sick and weird.

There are... That is not my song.

I do not have a song.

There are... Get off the table.

There are rats here.

It's under your skin.

It's only a song can do.

People that you meet by the lily on the street.

Don't whistle.

Oh, no.

There is a thing whistling.

Don't forget your trouble and where it's mine.

There is a thing whistling.

I would suggest to have someone come and fumigate.

There's a lump playing harmonica.

Get away!

There are vermin in here.

All right, out, out, out, out, get out, get out, get out, get out of here.

Hey, Sam, that's a nice song. What is that?

Oh, I don't know, something called Fred's Song.

That's very pretty.

No, it's not.

Okay, let's see now. Did that one.

Oh, hey, this is going to be good. Look. May I have a word with you?

Oui, bien sûr. Entrez.

What?

Come in.

Listen,

guys, I'll see you later, okay? Thanks a lot. Bye.

Move it.

What?

Oh, Christopher.

I'm speaking.

He gave you a wonderful necklace sketch. Oh, come on. Tell me, how did you get a

job at Superman? Did someone see you lifting weights or what?

Lifting weights?

No, no, no. I just auditioned for the part.

You know, like a lot of other actors. Uh -huh. But, you know, strikes really had

nothing to do with it.

You're certain about that?

Ooh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I didn't bring it.

Oh, pity.

Oh, how exciting it is to be in the same dressing room with the world's

strongest man.

Mr. Piggy, come on now. I mean, I tell you.

Being strong had nothing to do with getting the part. I mean, I've just been

lucky so far. Well, knock on wood.

Uh, Christopher?

Christopher, remember in the movie when you held Lois Lane?

Mm -hmm. Could you use my body as a visual demonstration?

What, to put my arm around her? Show me? Yes. And the other arm where? Yeah, the

other arm too. And you held it tighter? Well, I had to because otherwise she'd

fall, right? Tighter? Yeah, sort of like that.

Tighter?

me, Chris.

Christopher here was showing me how to, he was, what were you doing?

I was just showing her how I held Lois Lane in the movie. In the movie, Lois

Lane, yeah.

That's the worst explanation I've ever heard.

Why? You look kind of jealous.

Oh, he always looks jealous.

That's his natural color.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, my assistant Beaker is bringing an old bossy here because today we're

going to test Muppet Labs' latest invention, the electrically heated

machine.

Yes,

cows just love sliding into a warm, cozy milking machine on these frosty

mornings, don't they, Beaker?

You'll get dandruff in the milk.

Why, Beaker, you're hauntingly attractive today.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Miss Piggy to sing Never Before and

Again, a song that means a lot to the two of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss

Pig...

I hope I did not hurt your palsy, Walt.

Figgy, what happened to Ralph?

I do not know.

Someone must have blown a doggy with him.

What do we do about a pianist?

Do you think possibly Christopher could play piano for me?

Why not? He does everything else.

Piggy wants you to play piano for her. Play the piano for her? Yeah.

What do you think, guys? Play the piano? Yeah? Yeah?

Okay. I'm game for anything.

Boy, I'll tell you something. This is quite a phone booth.

How about that, huh?

Nice, nice.

Okay. Oh, listen. If anybody calls while I'm out, take a number. I'll call back.

Super Rat, you're in charge.

Never before, never again?

I know. I have an especial song for us.

Uh, East of the Sun and West of the Moon. Mm -hmm. I don't think I know this

one.

Is that my note?

Oh, thank you.

I wish that we could live up in the sky Where we could find a place away

up high

Just a short trip. I'm ready.

Oh, wait!

Wait!

See, I'm sorry, Miss Piggy. I don't think I can manage. Maybe you gained a

pounds.

Shut the ding, Reeves!

Boy, I tell you, you guys are crazy, but I had a great time.

Oh, good. Well, listen.

Tell me the truth, Chris. You really could have lifted Miss Piggy if you

couldn't you?

Are you kidding?

Usually I have to lift locomotives, and some of them are even heavier than she

is.

This has been an evening to remember.

Why? I forgot.