Original subtitles

Come in.

Diane Cannon?

15 seconds to curtain, Diane.

Oh, hi, Scooter. Thank you. Just be sure to warn me when it's time to go on

stage, will you?

Oh, well, that's not for a long time.

First, you've got to worry about the curtain.

Oh, no, I don't.

Yes,

you do.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Diane Cannon.

It's time to get things started.

Hello?

He's not home.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to the... Muppet Show. And

we've got a wonderful show for you tonight because our very special guest

is Miss Diane Cannon.

But first, to get things started... What is this?

A dog? A piggy?

Would you come take your dog off the stage?

Isn't that adorable?

It is not adorable. The dog is on the stage.

Pardonnez -us, everyone.

Pardonnez -us, everyone? What's that?

That is French.

Pardonnez -us, everyone.

All Vu knows is swamp talk.

Did you just get this dog off the stage?

Come here, come here. He wants to say hello to Dada. He wants to rip off my

flipper. Oh, make friends, make friends. Say oodie -boo -boo -boo.

Say what? Say oodie -boo -boo -boo.

Froggy alone now.

Booty boo boo boo.

Dumb dog.

Anyhow, as an opening number, you know, there are a lot of complaints today

about wild -eyed youth playing mindless rock.

Well, to counteract that, here are some wild -eyed old people playing mindless

rock. Ladies and gentlemen, Gary and...

Well, they should be. They've been practicing since 1908.

Okay, good work, Jerry. Nicely wheezed, Atrix.

Why, don't that song just break your heart?

No, but it slows down my pacemaker.

Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey. I have to go rehearse Veterinarian's Hospital. Would

you please watch Foo Foo for a while? Thank you. Stay.

Yeah, but Piggy, you can't just...

to go introduce Diane Cannon. Would you take care of Foo Foo Scooter?

I have to tell Diane she's on. Take care of Foo Foo, Fozzie.

Uh, listen, I got a date with a polar bear.

Take care of Foo Foo, Gonzo.

Oh, I've got an anvil in the oven.

Take care of Foo Foo, Floyd.

I think I got the whooping cough. Take care of...

Hollywood's nicest ladies. She's a wonderful actress, a terrific director,

doer of goofy stuff like the following. Ladies and gentlemen.

I don't want to leave the Congo.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Isn't that right?

We're so happy in this jungle.

To go.

just to get aboard a subway train.

And though it's smoky and it's crowded, they are too civilized to complain.

And the movies they have got to pay many coconuts to see.

Civilized pictures that the camera takes of me.

How fast a disco tacks these noises.

I thought she wore a black patch over one eye. No, no, no. That's her sister,

Marsha Diane.

Okay, Diane is in good form tonight.

Ah, drum lady, drum lady.

Yes. Ha -ba, ha -ba.

Mmm. Drum lady, drum lady.

Floyd and Gonzo on stage for the Doggy in the West.

Nothing. He's promised to take care of Miss Piggy's puppy dog.

Oh, good grief. That dog is a pain.

Well, Kermit, can't you do something? I mean, you're the dog's daddy.

We're in hospital.

Well, make it fast, okay?

Okay, now just remember, all of Fufu's things are right here on the table.

There's her brush, and there's her Angora sweater.

Isn't that cute?

Oh, and there is her bowl, and her little spoon.

You and I should spoon.

puppy foo -foo here.

Yeah, I got the brush, the brush, and the coat to keep her warm, the spoon to

feed her, and a nice safe place to keep the little puppy dog.

We're through the keyhole, turkey dog.

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

last patient. I know she does, but it isn't. This one's still breathing.

Does that mean I still have a chance?

Well, you did till you came in here.

Dr. Bob, this is an elderly patient. I hope you don't do any jokes about her

age. If I can't do old jokes, you're taking away my best shots.

Your only shots.

Lady, how old are you?

Young man.

age, not your religion.

Dr. Bob! I just wanted to make a little joke. Did you want to make it that

little?

Young man, young man, do you know what an octogenarian is?

Sure, you're like a vegetarian, only you eat octopuses.

Dr. Bob, please, this patient is dying.

She's dying, we're all dying.

We need a little help from the man upstairs.

And so we come.

of Veterinarians Hospital.

Thank you.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Oh, Dr. Bob, the patient

is a death door.

Don't worry. I'll pull her through.

Pull her through.

Oh, Ronald, come in. Hey, Diane. Is everything okay?

Hi,

Kermit. Sure, everything's fine.

Is the wig all right?

Oh, look, I was going to ask you about that. I'm not wearing a wig in this

Oh, no, it's not to wear.

It's a pet wig.

It belongs to smiling Jim Sepulveda and his tap -dancing toupees.

I've never seen a pet wig before. What do you feed them?

Oh, anything.

Table scraps, mostly.

Really? Table scraps?

Mm -hmm.

Now, here's a lovely song that's about an old dog friend of mine

who's no longer with us.

His name was, well, his name was Dre.

And it goes like this.

What gentler eye, what nobler heart

doth warm the winter's day.

Than the true blue form in the oaken core

of beloved Old Dog Train.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Psst. Psst.

Psst.

Psst. Psst. Psst.

Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.

Piggy, you need a hot doggy?

I don't understand him. Why didn't he go back to what he was doing before he

became a chef?

What was that?

Nothing.

Piggy!

Piggy! Oh, Miss Piggy, have you seen the fantastic dance that the Kermit did?

What's the matter, darling?

What's the matter?

Oh, yes, your dog. I hear she's absolutely adorable.

Gone! What do you mean, gone? I can't find her.

She's bound to show up. Piggy, wait a minute. She's bound to show up, isn't

No, darling, you must be crying now. Come on. Calm down. Let me get you some

tissue. Where are your tissues?

Over here.

Piggy, come on now. Calm down.

Here, sweetheart.

Let me dry your eyes.

Give me a blow now.

Good girl. You dry your eyes. You must contain yourself.

Piggy, Diane, on stage for your big production number, please. Oh, good. All

right.

Piggy, it's time to do the number. Now, listen to me.

Do you know where you are? I think you've forgotten where you are, Piggy.

Piggy, this is the theater, and you are a star.

Now, you must go on, Piggy.

I mean, the whole world expects it of you, don't they?

Your loyal fans expect it of you, Piggy. Your frog expects it of you.

Yes. Yes.

You must look away from the tragedy.

You must fight back the tears, and you must look to the footlights.

Yes, Peggy.

Yes, this is your legend. And this is your life.

Yes, Diane.

Yes. Hand me my wrap. Yes, your wrap. I shall go on as a superstar.

Yes. Oh, thank you, Diane.

Thank you, Poo -Poo.

Poo -Poo.

Poo -Poo.

Poo -Poo. She's gone back.

She's gone back.

Excuse me.

Listen, you guys took so long, so we had to cancel the number.

toots cruelty to animals?

Not unless they're watching it.

Drums! My drums!

My drums!

No, no, no, animal. Those are practice drums. They're Diane Cannons.

Cannons? Mm -hmm.

My cannons!

My cannons! No, no, no, no. They are drums.

My drums!

My drums!

I give up.

I give up. Will you get out of here?

Floyd, aren't you supposed to be in the band for the closing number?

Mm -mm, can't, man. I promised I'd go have a chat with the pork princess.

If I were Floyd, I wouldn't do that. Because maybe Miss Piggy has realized

he's the one that stuffed Foo -Foo into the drawer.

Break the maybe.

Well, folks, I suppose you've noticed that there have been a lot of canines on

tonight's show.

In fact, I suppose you could say that the whole show has gone to the dogs.

You could say that, but I certainly wouldn't. Why not say it?

Some folks think going to the dogs is a very good thing.

Indeed, indeed.

My feelings exactly.

Thank you, sir.

And that's why we've sent our guest star down to the pet shop. And here she is,

ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diane Cannon. Yay!

We could see you were a girl of distinction.

A real big spender.

Good looking, so refined.

A little time with me.

Like to have fun, fun.

I'll show you a good time.

Let me show you a good time.

Wouldn't you like to be mine?

Yours?

Mine.

We could have a good time.

Mine. Fine.

I could get you a big bone.

Would you take me to...

You're home again.

The minute you walked in the shop, I could see you were a

dog of distinction, a real class man, you're good looking,

so refined.

I'm sure you know by now what's going on in my mind.

So let me get right to the point.

I don't wag my tail for every girl I see.

Hey, Big Spender.

Hey,

Big Spender.

Hey, Big Spender.

A little time with me.

I'll take you home with me.

Okay, well, it has been quite a show, and I have certainly had a good time.

So much for good times.

Hey, guys, has anybody seen Floyd?

He can breathe through the keyhole.

Well, anyhow, it's time now to thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and

gentlemen, Miss Diane Cannon.

Yay!

Thank you, Kermit. Oh, that's such a cute little dog. You must be proud of

Dada.

Well, I think I'll go to the dentist.

Now? Sure. After this show, nothing hurts.