Original subtitles

Phyllis George?

Phyllis George?

15 seconds to curtain, Phyllis. Thank you, Scooter.

Hey, we got a very special show planned for you tonight. You're going to love

it. Are you sure about that? Oh, I guarantee it's exciting, suspenseful. Is

funny? The guarantee just ran out.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Phyllis George.

Why don't we all go home and read a book?

It's time to get things started.

And as a very special treat, we have as our guest are the beautiful and talented

Miss Phyllis George.

That is the good news.

Now, for the bad news, we have a really dumb show planned for you tonight.

Come it, come it, come it. You can't tell the audience that tonight's show is

dumb. Don't worry about it, Bear.

Yeah, we noticed years ago.

Well, in any case, I'm not going to stick around because I am going to turn

show over to our guest host, the wonderful Miss Phyllis George. Yay!

Are you sure you want me to do this?

Phyllis, the stage is all yours. I'm taking the night off.

It's okay, Phyllis. I'll help you later.

Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Muppet Academy of Arts and

Sciences, welcome to the first annual Muppet Awards.

What an exciting evening. The tension and excitement is unbelievable.

And backstage, the Muppets are standing by, anxiously waiting to see who the

winners will be.

You are losers, all losers.

So now, to get things started, let's listen to the first of the numbers

nominated for Best Song of the Year.

How do you pronounce this?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Subbeatball. I've been nominated the best unexplainable creature category.

You don't suppose they give a humanitarian award, do you?

You get out of here.

Oh, God.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

I hate award shows.

They're announcing the first award.

I really hate award shows.

Once again, your host for tonight's award show, Miss Phyllis George.

The first Fred Award is for Best Foreign Act. Here are the

nominations. A Fred?

You call the award a Fred?

Yeah, we have to call it something.

Excuse me, may I see a Fred, please?

It's a bowling trophy.

Poughkeepsie Barons, 1977 league champions.

Well, there's the nominations. You can just read them.

Oh, all right.

The first category is for the best forward act.

There are six nominations, and they are the Zucchini Brothers.

sketch award.

And now, Pigs in Phase!

The first nomination for best sketch for the episode entitled Pig Alien.

Pig Alien?

Oh, why did they pick that one?

I thought I was kind of cute in that one.

I don't remember that one. Well, of course you do. It's where you become

hysterical and I have to knock you out like this. And then I take over the

controls.

Arrgh, I be Captain Blue Boar.

Wait, you're not in this sketch.

Aren't we be doing Pig Alien?

No, no, no, we are doing First Mate Piggy Saves the Day.

I don't remember that one. Of course you do. And then he becomes hysterical and

I have to knock him out. Oh, wait.

with our exciting and entertaining award show, the show a certain frog said

couldn't be done.

Shouldn't. I say it shouldn't be done.

Ah, here is the second nomination for best song sung by Miss Phyllis George.

and gave me just a copy of your love.

Each dove and pigeon will know who got the original.

Darling, can't you see what you mean to me?

Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks, and nudges.

The love that you gave me was a duplex.

Just a second sheet of love.

Roth, it's about this song.

Yeah, what about it? Well, it's a little weird.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I wanted a song that was very weird, but this was

the best I could find.

Just sing, Phyllis.

Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks, and nudges.

The love that he gave you was a duplicate.

with smudges.

Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart and gave

me just a copy of... Gave you just a copy of... Gave you just a

second sheet of love.

Hey, wake up! What'd you think of that last number?

Oh, that George Phyllis is a wonderful singer.

You mean Phyllis George is a wonderful singer.

They're both terrific.

And now the award for the best performance by an inanimate object or

inanimate objects.

And now for the award for the funniest comedy performance by a bear, and the

winner is...

I thought she was a rug.

Hey, listen, is that your real face or was your plastic surgeon cross -eyed?

Ah, listen, no hard feelings. Come on, have a cigar.

No, thank you.

the zucchinis who have indeed their award right here. Yeah, we win the

Tell me, Biondo, how does it feel now that you've finally won something after

all these years and show business?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Louie. You see, we win because we are the best

of foreign acts. Yeah, we the best of best.

Yeah, and because it'll make us feel good. Yeah, feel good. That's right,

right. Yes, well, tell me, weren't you worried about your competition?

Yes,

the Nippon Flippers have indeed taken the award. How does it feel now that

someone's taken the award away from you?

I'd like to introduce Roth with another nominee for Song of the Year.

I would also like to point out that the George mentioned in the song is not

Phyllis. I mean, wait till you hear this one. You thought the carbon paper song

was strange.

I'd like to sing for you now a little song entitled You and I and George.

I'm sure you've never heard of this song.

Matter of fact, You and I and George is one of the most unheard of songs of all

time.

In its only recording, You and I and George sold two copies.

I bought one and George bought another.

Where were you?

You and I and George.

We're strolling through the park one day.

And then you held my hand as if to say,

I love you.

We came to a brook and George

fell in and drowned himself.

to see.

Leave.

Miss George has asked me to announce the next category.

The winner of the Stunt of the Year Award is the 500 -foot group

plunge recreated for us now by the Falling Alpanzos.

Here's your award, sir.

See why I asked him to announce it?

Now, to read the list of the nominees for Best Guest Star Appearance on a

Show, here is Scooter.

There's John and Liza, Flyin' Bob and Elton Jay, who wasn't bad. Raquel and

Steven, Cheryl, Alice, Edgar B., he's Charlie's dad. As well as Candace, she

great and really earned her salary.

And so did Twiggy, Ethel, Kay, and Peter, Paul, and Valerie.

There's Crystal, Victor, Linda, Dudley, Helen, Roy, and Judy.

There's Milton, Phyllis, Cloris, James, Loretta, Spike, and Rudy.

There's Elkie, Liberace, Lynn, and Harry, Avery, Cleolu, Teresa. JP, Gilda,

Rich, Don, Gene, Bruce, Pearl, and Leo, too.

There's Lena, Harvey, Juliet, Diane, and if I get a chance, I'll try to find a

place where I can also mention Mum and Shantz, along with Roy and Dale, Petula,

Andy, Phyllis, Rita, Dom and Nance, and Sandy, Harlow, Joel, and George.

And Florence, Dizzy, Julie, Ann, Lorene, and Bob, and Peter.

And Connie, Kenny, Bernadette, Marisa, Chris, and Rita.

Madeline and Senior Wentz, Aswola, Charles, and Beverly. This list is

much too long, so I'll just end it cleverly.

Leslie, Leslie, Ann, and John, and Danny, he's my hero.

Roger, Ruth, Jim, Vincent, Ben, and last not least, his hero.

Philip George won.

No one else is here.

One of the others will be dumb enough to come back.

This award will certainly sit in a place of honor.

What do I do now?

Oh,

thank you.

For a second there, I was overcome by the thrill of victory.

Next, we have the second nomination for the best sketch, Veterinarians.

veterinarian compliment.

The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dog.

I'd like to thank the members of the academy.

Dr. Bob, what are you doing? I'm practicing my acceptance speech.

But we haven't won yet. No, we have to do the sketch first.

We do?

I might as well forget this.

We could still win.

Yeah, but we've got real tough competition.

I was afraid of that. What's our competition?

Pigs in Space.

I'd like to thank the members of the Academy.

Mr. Bob, I was the star of Pigs in Space.

Also my producer, my writer.

Mr. Bob.

You're in both sketches. You can't lose.

Hey, you're right.

Not much point in going on.

I'm so... we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Ah, knock it off. Let's

get to the award.

Well, there you have it. The last of the nominees for the best sketch of the

year. Ah, ah, ah, Floyd, how do I look?

Nervous, Piggy?

Of course not, Floyd.

I am in both nominated sketches.

There is no way for moi to live.

The winner is... The judges have chosen not to award a friend in this category.

What?

What do you mean? I'm lost?

I'll cut you in two first, George.

Wait a minute. It's not me. I didn't decide.

Well, who did?

Well, the blue ribbon panel of judges.

Don't tell me judges.

Who are they? What names shall we carve on the tombstones?

Mr. Peaky, don't you think you better go backstage and get ready for the next

category? No. Why should I?

Well, it's a big one.

Performer of the Year, and you're nominated.

What?

Oh, Performer of the Year. Yes, of course. Very sweet, sweet.

I shall go get ready.

Kissy, kissy, judges.

Isn't she cute?

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come with me. Come here. Oh, come on. The big

award is about to be given. Yeah, but Piggy.

Listen, Piggy, you know, these awards don't mean anything to me.

Oh, comey. But I want you next to me when I win.

But, Piggy, who's your competition?

Oh, comey, you old silly.

What competition?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one thread left.

And it belongs to that person our blue ribbon panel was voted to be.

Performer of the year.

The nominees are... Miss Piggy.

We've come to the moment we've all been waiting for. The most important award of

the evening. The winner of Performer of the Year.

And that winner is... The winner is...

accepting this coveted Fred.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm really touched.

Touched? I'll show you touched.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ladies and gentlemen, in this, my hour of triumph, I would especially like to

thank Miss Piggy.

Thank you, my dear.

I can't even hit him.

And so we come to the end of our first annual Fred... award show, ladies and

gentlemen. Thank you very much.

Now, it really has been an evening that proves the truth of that old song,

ladies and gentlemen.

There's no big light.

Everything about it is appealing.

Everything that traffic will allow.

So where could you get that happy feeling when you are feeling?

People, they smile when they are old.

Even with a turkey that's an olive old, you may be stranded out in the

cold. Still, you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold.

Let's go on with our show.

Well, this postcode turned out a lot better than I thought it would.

But before we go, let us thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and

Phyllis George!

Well,

I can tell you one thing. I love you guys so much, and this has been the best

award show ever. I mean, look, everyone got an award.

Not everyone, George.

Take it easy, Peggy. The voting was done by our special panel of blue ribbon

judges. Who are these judges?

Let's see them.

Send in the...

Rats were responsible for this show.

Why not? They were also responsible for the bubonic plague.