All language subtitles for The Muppet Show - s04e09 - Liza Minnelli

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show,
starring Liza Minnelli, is from the

season of the series.

And by that time, they were getting real
experimental with the format.

This episode is a full -fledged murder
mystery.

Are you Kermit the Private Eye?

Just like it says on the door,
sweetheart.

Oh, good.

Liza is one of those incredible
professional performers. And while

episode, she would shoot all day long
with the Muppets. And then at night, she

rushed down to Covent Garden in London,
where she was performing a series of

concerts. Talk about

a trooper.

Hey, you seem to know a lot about these
people, kid. Do you know which one is

the killer? I sure do.

You do? Why, who?

The murderer is...

Here's The Muppet Show starring Liza
Minnelli. See if you can figure out who

done it.

Liza Minnelli, 15 seconds to curtain,
Liza.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

Scooter, that was a great rehearsal.

You think so? Yeah, let's do the show.
Oh.

It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Liza Mundell.

Run for your lives. This show is murder.

That's my new hit single.

To The Muppet Show. Our guest star
tonight is one of the few ladies on

deserve the title Superstar Miss Liza
Minnelli.

And on top of that, we're going to do a
very different show tonight.

Matter of fact, it's so different, I
have to go backstage and get ready for

Scooter, would you come in and take over
for me?

Scooter, would you stop rehearsing? It's
time to start the play.

Oh, sorry, Chief.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Muppet players
hereby present an evening of intrigue

and mystery. Let the murders begin.

There was a Wednesday evening in July.

Somewhere in the city, a lonely trumpet
was playing.

It was a kind of a New York summer night
when you expect to see lily pads

growing on Broadway.

I was just stopping by the office for a
quick root beer and browse through the

paperwork because I had just finished a
missing Poliwag case.

Being a private eye isn't much of a job
if you like class, which is why my

visitor surprised me.

Come in.

Excuse me, but are you Kermit the
Private Eye?

Just like it says on the door,
sweetheart.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm Liza O'Shaughnessy, the actress.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

I know the face from the papers and the
name from the marquee, toots.

Opening a show at the Roxy tomorrow,
right? Yes.

No, that's just it. I don't know.

Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea
what a living nightmare I've been

through. The dread, the terror.

Try to relax, cute stuff.

Sit down and tell me about it.

Okay.

Well, I got to my dressing room this
morning, and I found this note.

Close down the show.

If you try to open, you will all die.

Where'd you find it? Oh, it was ghastly.
It was pinned to my dresser.

So? What's so ghastly?

Well, it was pinned with this, and my
dresser's name was Gladys.

It is all starting to get ghastly.

But don't worry, sweet lips. I can
handle it.

Oh, I'm sure you can, Mr. Frog.

I place myself entirely in your... in
your flippers.

The Majestic Theater looked

like any theater the day before opening.

While Liza went to change for rehearsal,
I just hung around backstage, trying

not to be conspicuous.

Quiet!

Who let that frog in here?

Okay. Let in the white drapes.

We're going to rehearse the first act
finale Liza's number.

Miss O'Shaughnessy's not quite ready
yet, Fritz. Okay.

We'll do it with the understudy then.

through some dumb rehearsal.

You promised me I would star in this
turkey.

Let me get this straight. She is Liza
O'Shaughnessy's understudy? Oh, they're

not exactly the same type.

They're not exactly the same species.

Oh, excuse me, Miss, uh, uh, dear.

Fritz, darling, I'm ready for rehearsal.

Oh, good. Now, remember, this is your...

Big moment. Here, I want the spark. The
moment of magic, the raw, unbridled

passion. You know what I want?

Yeah. Smile and show my legs.

There goes a pro.

Her name was Lola.

She was a showgirl with yellow feathers
in her hair

and a dress cut down to there.

She would merengue and do the cha -cha.

And while she tried to be a star, Tony
always tended bar across

the crowded floor. They worked from
eight to four.

They were young and they had each other.

Who could have asked for more?

Her name was Lola.

She was a showgirl with yellow feathers
in her hair and a dress cut down to

bare. She would go bangay and do the cha
-cha. And while she tried to be a star.

Tony always tended barb across the
crowded floor. They worked from 8 to 4.

They were young and they had each other.
Booger asked for more. Have to go for,

go for Cabana.

The hottest spot, no more Cabana here.

His name was Rico.

He wore a diamond.

He was escorted to his chair. He saw
Lola dancing there. And when she

he called her over.

But Rico went a bit too far.

Tony sailed across the bar. And then the
punches blew. And chairs were smashed

in two.

lost her love.

and brings herself half -blind. She lost
her youth and she lost her Tony. Now

she's lost her mind.

Oh,

I'm so glad you liked it.

Oh, you're too good to be a person. You
should have been a saxophone.

Does that mean that I'm your... sax
symbol?

Whatever.

A wonderful rehearsal.

Oh, a wonderful Miss O'Shaughnessy.

Okay, everybody.

Take three.

Take three? I bet you run a tight ship.

I'm afraid he's...

He's

dead.

Like now the show will never go on.

What are you people saying?

Fritz was a man of the theater. He died
trying to turn the grease paint and

pencil into magic.

Why, this show can be his final tribute.

Fritz would have wanted it this way.

When you're down and out, lift up your
head and shout, there's gonna be a great

day. Come on on stage, everybody.

Oh, don't step on Prince.

Angels in the sky, farmers that buy and
buy, there's gonna be a great day.

Stan's so people.

A murder is committed and they all go
out and sing.

And to make things worse, the police
assigned Patrolman Bear to the case.

Patrolman Bear reporting for duty, sir.

I thought you were on slug detail at the
laundromat.

Sir, I am going to ask these people some
questions.

Okay, just be subtle.

Gotcha.

All right.

Which one of you killed the director?

Not me.

Well, they're all in the clear, sir.

What do you mean?

Miss Piggy hated him because he made her
the understudy. She thought she should

have been the star.

The band hated him because they hadn't
been paid for three weeks.

Hey, you seem to know a lot about these
people, kid. Do you know which one is

the killer? I sure do.

You do? Who?

The murderer is...

The murderer is in that dressing room.

All I saw was a hand throw a knife.

It was awful.

Well, that may be just the clue we need,
sweetheart.

I'm going to go in there and catch us a
murderer.

Oh, Kermit. Hmm?

many times before in my line of work,
whenever I enter a darkened room, I

get chilled.

And a few contusions.

And it's not only the darkness that's
scary.

There's that weird music they always
play.

There's one thing about darkness.

Although I can't see my enemy, my enemy
can't see me.

Unless he's got a flashlight.

Like, wow, is there really any point in
rehearsing this?

Oh, come on, Mama. You know what they
say. The show must go on.

Go what? Go what?

Yeah, but it's real hard to go on if
we're all dead.

Dead! Dead!

Oh, please. I'd rather rehearse and
listen to that.

Good. Here's the singing group. Let's
run this little beauty.

Okay. Hit it, animal.

Your temper's getting the top hand. All
you gotta do is just stop and pass that

peace button, bury that hatchet. Like
jock -toys, chicken -sauce, Chattanooga,

Chippewas. Do.

And if you're feeling mad as a wet hen,
mad as you can possibly get, then pass

that peace button, bury that tomahawk.
Like those Chichimex, Cherokees,

specs. Do.

Don't be cranky.

Try to use a little restraint.

Hold that hanky. And wipe off all of
that war paint.

And if you find yourself in a fury, be
your own judge and your own jury. Pass

that piece, pop and bury that hatchet
like the Choctaws, Chickasaws,

Chattahoochies, Chippewas do.

Even in colonial days, you knew the
ceremonial ways to pass that piece, pop

bury that tomahawk like those
Chicootamies, Chippa -Chucks and

Pull your ears in, try to use a little
control.

When all clears in, you'll be top man on
the totem pole. So if you want to be an

all right guy, not a long -faced, losing
-the -night guy, write that apology and

dispatch it. When you quarrel, it's
grand to patch it. That's that beast,

bury that hatchet like the chocolate
chicken sauce.

You're mine.

Mine. Mine.

Kermit. Kermit.

Oh, Kermit. Oh, poor fallen frog. Speak
to me. Say something.

Is that your Miss O'Shaughnessy?

Oh, Kermit. Thank goodness you're all
right.

Oh, you scared me to death. Come over
here.

For a minute, I thought you'd croaked.
Well, I tried to, but I was too weak.

No, somebody slugged me.

They did?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, they did indeed. My goodness, you've
got a nasty bump back here. Let me rub

it. Huh?

Does it hurt?

Just when you rub it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Liza, you know, I'm not getting
anywhere with your case. Maybe you

get somebody else.

Wait a minute. What are you talking
about, Kermit? I don't want... anybody

I want you. You're my main frog.

Yeah, but I thought I'd have it solved
by now. I thought I'd be a big hero and

there'd be triumphant celebration and
all. Hold it. Wait a minute.

Listen to me.

I want to tell you something. When you
solve this case and you're going to

it, you'll be so happy you won't need
any celebration.

You won't need anything.

No, no.

Come here and listen.

When it all comes true Just

the way you've planned It's funny But
the bells

don't ring It's a quiet thing

When you hold

You'd think you'd hear a choir sing.

It's a quiet thing.

There are no exploding fireworks.

Where's the roaring of the crowd?

Maybe it's the strange new...

The clouds.

What? I don't hear the drums.

And I don't hear the band.

I know. The sounds you're told.

Such moments bring.

Happiness comes in.

What do you know?

Well, what do you know?

It's a quiet thing.

It's a quiet thing.

A very quiet

thing.

Nobody listens to lyrics anymore.

Meanwhile, down in the canteen... All
right, do you have an alibi?

I have a halibut.

No, no, an alibi. You know, somebody who
can say where you were.

Yeah, a halibut. You had ridden me all
day.

Ah, poison!

This man was murdered to shut him up.
No, he wasn't. He choked on a fish bone.

But he yelled, poison!

Which, I believe, is the French word for
fish.

Wait,

it must be the food.

No, no, no, it's the good soup.

Okay. What? Now, you got the plan?

Yes, I've got the plan.

But, Kermit, how can you be certain this
is going to work?

You've got to trust me, kid.

Now, you know what to do? Of course,
smile and show my legs.

No, no, no, that was the other guy.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Yes, trust me, I know what to do. Okay,
okay, here we go.

You just take a seat over there.

Uh, boys and girls, ladies and
gentlemen.

Kermit!

Fozzie, Fozzie, don't worry, just sit
down. All will be revealed.

Yes, sir.

Now, you may be wondering why I've
called you all together.

Well, the fact is Miss O'Shaughnessy has
discovered the identity of the

murderer.

Yes, it's true.

It's a secret, though I haven't even
told Kermit.

I know who committed these dastardly,
cold -blooded, heinous crimes, these

murders.

I hereby accuse...

Curtain has fallen.

I've played my last role.

Good night, sweet prince.

Hello, death.

Somebody call a doctor!

Too late, green buddy.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Remember me, too.

Harold Square?

Now forget him. Harold's really square.

Bye -bye.

Oh, no! Not Liza!

We love Liza! No, we didn't mean to bump
her off!

No, just the rest of you guys.

I knew it.

Scratch a critic and you get an
assassin.

Then your death scene was a trick?

Well, after all, darling, I mean, I am
an actress.

Bravo! Bravo!

Yeah, best performance we've seen on
this show in years.

Okay, Fonzie, take him away.

Yes, sir. All right, here we go. Let's
run a book at him. Okay, sir.

Congratulations, you did it. Well, we
did it.

Yeah. And I guess that's the end.

Oh, no, Kermit. That's not the end.

This is the end.

Take a bop!

Just you wait.

That lucky star.

like to say what an honor it's been for
this little green frog to work with miss

Liza Minnelli oh

thank you so much I can't tell you what
a thrill it's been being on your show

tonight oh that's nice and you know
something else I've always wanted to do

you know like a murder mystery like we
did oh by the way can I keep this uh

trick knife as a souvenir a trick knife
yes it's only a prop see

20 years. If I'd known that judge was
giving us the box, I'd have asked for

chair.