Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

When you watch The Muppet Show, it's the only show on air where you're actually

only seeing the top 18 inches of the action.

And in a lot of ways, what goes on underneath the camera frame is just as

exciting and sometimes more exciting than what's going on in front of the

camera.

If you think about it, this is the way it is.

The camera's shooting basically from the top of your head up to your hand. And

that's the way all the performers are working.

They're all watching monitors to see what the camera can see. And it's great

watching the performers underneath, watching them jockeying for position and

people reaching between each other trying to get to an arm run.

It's really, it's a bit like watching a pit stop at an Indy 500 race.

It's really quite impossible, which is what makes it so much fun to do.

Here's the Muppet Show.

Beverly Sills?

Fifteen seconds for curtain, Beverly.

Thank you, Scooter. I'm just warming up my voice.

Wow, what a note.

Oh, that's nothing.

My glasses.

Don't worry, dear. I have a deal with an optician.

The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Beverly Sills.

It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights. It's time to get me

started. Why don't you get me started?

Where'd this lobster come from?

Newberg I

play

by ear

Tonight's guest star, believe it or not, is one of the great stars of opera,

Miss Beverly Sills.

But first, an opening number.

Oh, no. I can't take any more of your opening numbers.

Come on, guys. What's wrong with them? They're so weird.

Yeah, what do you have tonight?

A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

Cancel the opening number.

Listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism. What would you do for an

number? Funny you should ask. Yes, we do have some ideas about that.

We have a secret recipe.

That's true.

Concocted with much skill.

Yes.

And once you've tried our special dish... That's right. You'll never get

fill.

Take ten terrific girls, but only nine costumes, and you're cooking

up something grand.

Mix in some amber light and elegant scenery.

Then stir in a fine jazz band.

Then add some funny men and pepper with laughter.

It's tart and tasty, I know.

The Servant Wiping Hut.

And what have you got?

A burlesque show.

Okay, girl, move it.

Move it.

Come on, Beaker, lift and push.

Only three bars to go. Hurry.

Move it. Move it. We'll see how it's done. There, up top.

All right.

Everybody ready? Here.

Floor, fly in that backdrop.

Oh, no.

Fly in the backdrop.

Okay. Okay. Raise the curtain. Raise the curtain. Okay. Curtain going up.

some fudgy men.

And pepper with laughter.

It's hot and tasty, I know.

Tell me, Mr. Waldorf, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a

hole? I don't know, Mr. Stadler. What do you get when you pour boiling water

down a rabbit hole?

Hot truss bunnies.

Boo!

Piss! Get off this day!

Tell me, Mr. Stadler, why do bees hum?

I don't know, Mr. Waldorf. Why doobies come?

Because they don't know the word.

We just did.

Yeah, so you did.

Wasn't very good after all.

Oh,

terrible.

Okay, come on, come on. That was wonderful. Okay, that was very nice.

that great, Kermit?

It was.

Hey,

Kermit, Kermit. Yes, Scooter? Somebody outside was trying to break the

combination lock on your bicycle, but I stopped him.

Oh, good. What did you do?

I told him the combination.

Oh, no. I'm a fuzzy.

Listen, would you introduce the next actor? I'll be right back. Kermit, I

I don't know how.

Oh, boy.

Okay, Scooter, who's our next? Oh, Beverly Sills. You know who she is,

you? Scooter, you don't have to tell me about Beverly Sills. She is a legend in

music. Oh, boy.

Boy, Fozzie even knows about opera singers.

Kermit has asked me to introduce tonight's guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen.

One of the truly great singers of country and western music, the Queen of

Nashville, here she is, Miss Bev Sills.

May I have some music for this aria?

Here you go, Bev.

It's our time, isn't it?

Beverly Sills, the opera singer.

That Beverly Sills.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

I'll ask Kermit.

Wait a minute. What am I supposed to do out here all by myself? Why do you do

that? You wouldn't know how to tap dance, would you?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do know how to tap dance.

Fuck, I'm dead.

You did what?

Please don't yell at me.

Beverly, I'm terribly sorry. Listen, you don't have to sing country music or tap

dance or anything.

Don't tap me now, honey. I'm just getting the hang of it.

Now that's talent. An opera singer who tap dances and sings cowboy songs.

I wonder if there's anything she isn't good at.

Yes? Choosing what show to be on.

Gee, Kermit, Miss Sill seemed to have a lot of fun in that number. Oh, yeah, I

think so. Well, you know, it was a change for her. We're doing an opera

later on in the show, though. Oh, I know. Guess who wants to be in it with

Me!

Me, me, me, me, me, me!

Oh, hello, Kermit.

I didn't know you were there.

Um, hello, Miss Piggy.

Piggy, please, if you're thinking about that opera piece, as far as I'm

concerned, you are in the opera number.

I am? Oh, Jeremy, what a surprise.

Yes, but it's really not up to me because Beverly Sills is holding some

auditions a little later.

Dear, I am not worried. I just hope you're doing something suitable for my

talents.

Piggy, you're going to love it. It's called Pigoletto.

Welcome.

Where's a Muppet News flag?

Soprano Beverly Sills withdrew her announced plans to retire from the

stage. I'll be singing opera until the cows come home, she said today in a...

Hey,

Beverly, I want to thank you for having this meeting with me.

Oh, that's all right.

What's this very important matter you want to talk to me about?

Well, I have created a new art form.

Really? Yes.

This will rank with the creation of the first opera.

It's a cultural breakthrough.

Well, what is it?

Spoon hanging.

Spoon hanging?

Yes. Look, let me show you how it's done. Here, take a spoon.

Okay. Now, where do we hang it? Aha!

That's the cultural part.

Now, do you swear that Beverly Sills is in this dressing room? Cross my heart,

Sam. Oh, the Beverly Sills.

World famous soprano and director of the New York City Opera.

The very one.

Oh, I must go in and worship at her feet.

Miss Sills, I want you to know what a thrill.

What's the matter? Don't you like art?

Poor fellow. He's obviously a lowbrow.

Of course, and I'll call you. Miss Piggy will do just fine.

Yes, of course.

What can I do for you, Miss Piggy? Well, Kermie told me that we were doing an

opera. Yes, we are. We're doing an opera called Pigaletto.

Yes, I know. And I bet I know why you're here.

Well, I am a pig.

Yes, and I know you want to audition for the opera.

Yes, how did you guess?

Oh, honey, they're coming out of the woodwork.

audition. That's why I didn't understand what you mean. It must be difficult.

There are so many talented singers. It's very hard for me to say no. I'm glad

you said that.

Okay, you can all be in Pigoletto.

Beverly, shall I keep my tambourine?

Oh, absolutely, Miss Piggy. Why, you play that tambourine almost as well as

sing.

Hey, hey, wait.

What's going on? Hold it, hold it. Wait a minute. What's going on here?

because you're doing Pigoletto tonight.

What's wrong with that? Well, there's an opera for us cows.

What's that?

Madame Buttermilk. Hey,

there's one for us goats, too.

Goater Dommerung.

Watch your language.

And there's even an opera for us otters, too. What's that?

La Traviata.

That's enough of that. Come on, back to your dressing rooms. Come on, get out of

here.

Scram, scram, scram.

Uncle Kermit? Yeah? There's an outfit for little frogs like me, too.

Really?

Low and green.

Robin, you're as bad as they are. Now get out of here.

Low and green.

Gee, I could play the lead if I scrunched down.

Welcome to Muppet University.

Hello. Today's lecture will be on microscopic life forms.

Underneath this terribly expensive scientific doohickey is a

single drop of pond water.

Aha! Leaving frivolity behind, let us now explore the world of the

water drop. Lights, please.

Ah.

What wonders await our eyes?

Hi -ho!

Kermit the Protosaur here.

And what a show we have for you. And now to kick things off, here is the king of

the single -celled comics, Fozzie Amoeba!

Yay!

Hey, hey, hey!

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the microscope.

This blog came up to me and said, I haven't had a disease in weeks.

So I bit him.

Class dismissed.

Okay, that was very nice, Sam.

It was a fiasco.

No, no, no. It was educational.

I learned a lot from that.

You did? Oh, bless you, Kermit. Tell me, what did you learn from that? Well, I

learned that those little green protozoa have a lot of talent.

Well, Kermit, everybody's on stage for the opera except the spear carriers.

They want more money. No way.

See how much they want. Right.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present a totally unknown and

opera, Pigoletto, sung to the music of La Traviata and performed for you by the

Muppetopolitan Opera Company.

It's all very strange, but the good thing about it is that it stars Miss

Sills!

I don't know.

what it means.

saw the beginning and middle of the Muppet Show, so this must be the end.

Which means it is time to say thank you to our very special guest, our lady

gentleman, Beverly Sills!

And

thank

you, Kermit.

Oh, thank you, Beverly. You're a great sport to put up with all of our

goofiness. Oh, not at all. I really enjoyed it. Oh, good. As a matter of

doing the Muppet Show is almost as much fun as doing a serious opera.

Wow. Does that mean you'd like to come back next week?

I said almost.

Beverly, Beverly, does this mean that you are forsaking spoon -hanging for

lesser art form?

We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.

Who's the guest star tonight?

Beverly Hills?

I've been there before.