Original subtitles

Elka Summer?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Summer.

Thank you, Scooter. Listen, I hate to complain, but there's a man eating my

makeup table.

I'm terribly sorry.

Fred, you're supposed to eat the wardrobe.

Sorry.

Wardrobe? That makes more sense.

I guess so.

The Muppet Show with our very special guest, our Elkie Summer.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppet on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational PNC.

This is the Muppet Show, and you have been warned.

Hey, we have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is

the world's most beautiful and talented ladies, Miss Elka Summer.

But before we get to her, ladies and gentlemen, bye.

That's my baby. That's my baby.

Is that your kid?

Of course not. I'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.

Well, there is a resemblance.

Yeah, but I won't be bought in two flicks forever.

Okay, Muppet Labs on stage next. Muppet Labs.

Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker? Beaker, I'm sure I don't know.

Little paddle, I shall have to cancel Muppet Labs this week. And I was going

give Beaker the honor of demonstrating this new diesel shaver.

A close shave for Beaker either way.

Sorry to cancel at such short notice. Oh, that's okay.

I hate to go out there and lose face.

I'm sure Beaker felt the same way.

this is a new one.

I'll plug it in and see if it's working.

It's working.

Okay, owing to the unfortunate cancellation of Muppet Land, combined

with the fact that the furniture is taking over the show, it's around this

that I start to wonder why I do it.

There is a reason, of course, and here it is. We now turn over our stage to the

lovely and talented Miss Alka -Summer.

Lions and tigers watching me.

I make them jump right to the pool.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second. Listen, I'm sorry, Elkie, but

great singer and a terrific performer.

Thank you. But you see, this whole little girl look just isn't right for

show. But why? I mean, it's such a cute little show with little pigs and little

dogs. and not to even mention little froggies.

Yeah, but you see, we try to appeal to adults.

I mean, we're very suave, sophisticated duckies and piggies and froggies.

Oh, gee.

Yeah, well, gee, I got the whole thing all wrong.

Do you think I could get a chance to do it again?

Well, okay, yeah, sure, of course.

Okay, curtain!

Curtain!

I'm sorry for that little hitch, folks. But here she is now, the wonderful Miss

Alka -Summer.

But I have fun swallowing animals one

by one.

In every bowl of good wine,

lions and tigers are what you need.

I make them come to life a fool.

How is it now, Kermit? I mean, wasn't that sophisticated enough? I gave it

everything I had.

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's true. But it's just, well, it's not the way that we

would do it. I mean, you people?

Mm -hmm. Well, how would you people do it then?

Oh, well, would you like to do it our way?

Sure, we'd like to do it your way. That's what I'm here for.

Oh, wow.

Brave girl.

Okay, curtain.

Curtain.

Okay, well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to do her first number for the

time.

Elka Summer!

Then I bite him in a million bits and I gobble them right down.

When they're inside me where it's dark, I walk around like no other. I suck my

tummy like a goose with animal crackers in my tooth.

think this show is suitable for children.

I don't think this show is suitable for anybody.

Okay,

so listen, you two are going to build a set for Elkie's closing number, huh? Oh,

sure. What kind of number is it?

Well, it's a spectacular tribute to ancient Egypt, so the set really has to

impressive. Oh, you come to the right people. You just tell me and Beaker what

you want. Okay, well, I want a royal barge and a sphinx, and don't forget the

pyramids.

Oh, sure, pyramids. But what shape do you want them in?

What shape?

We're up the Nile without a paddle.

But we got a paddle.

Look.

When we last left the spaceship Swine Trek, it was about to make a soft

on the planet Coosbane.

Five, nine, eight, seven, six.

Five. Five, I know.

Four, three, two, one.

Touchdown.

That should do it.

Nice work, Ink.

Thank you, French Fork.

What'd you think, First Mate Piggy?

I think your landings are hard and your

brain is soft.

Well, no matter. Now comes the moment the whole world has been waiting for.

Oh, what's that?

Well, to see the first pig walk on the planet Coosbane.

Oh, oh yeah.

The TV camera is on and when you slip... out there, Link. You'll become the most

famous pig in history.

Um... Um... Why don't I just step out and see if it is safe for my

captain?

That's very thoughtful of you, First Mate Piggy.

No, Link, no. Then she'll be the first pig on the planet Coosbane and get all

the glory.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. You're right. Stop, First Mate Piggy. Help!

Nice tap.

This is a job for a captain pig.

Wish me luck. Here I go.

Oh, no.

It's stuck.

Or maybe it opens in, Link. No, it definitely opens out, I know.

I'm going to have to get up. I'm going to have to back up and get a running

start and break down this door.

Here I go.

Back up. Watch out. Watch out. Here I go.

If it doesn't open in and if it doesn't open out, then

obviously... Here I come.

It must slide open.

So ends part one. If you can stand it, stay tuned for part

two.

Don't.

And now, part two of Pigs in Space.

As you may recall, the spaceship was landing on the planet Coosbane, and Link

Hogthrob was taking his giant leap to swine kind.

Greetings from Coosbane.

This is Captain Link Hogthrob, the first pig to ever set foot on this distant

planet. Uh, forget it.

Go away, I'm on television.

No, you're not, dear.

Huh? The camera broke.

Oh, might as well go home, then. No, no, no.

We can't. We must find out if there is life on Coosbane.

What? You mean... You mean like, uh... You mean like little green monsters?

I don't know.

But we must find out.

Oh, well, uh... Yoo -hoo. Anybody here?

Uh, no, let's go home.

Uh -oh, is my captain afraid?

Oh, me afraid?

Why, uh, of course not.

Yoga! Ah!

What was that?

It was me, Link.

Oh, I knew that.

You all right now, First Mate Piggy? Oh, brother.

Well, there's no life on Coosbane. My life detection computer pack indicates

it's impa... for any life to exist on this planet. Good. Let's go.

Oh, what a shame. It's such a pretty planet.

George, wake up. I think I hear prowlers.

Oh, Martha, go back to sleep.

The hills are alive with the sound of music.

Yeah, they're for you.

How many languages do you

speak? Oh, about six.

That's amazing.

No, not really. You have people in your show who speak several languages.

We do?

Sure. How about the Swedish chef?

Yeah, how about him?

Well, doesn't he speak English and Swedish?

Well, I don't think so.

You mean that he's not bilingual?

I think the Swedish chef is non -lingual.

However, you know something?

There is another person in your show who speaks another language. That's

Mademoiselle Piggy, who speaks French not half bad.

Oh, well, look, let me tell you a secret.

The only French she knows is what she's read off a perfume label.

You're kidding.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's true. I don't believe it. Oh, yeah.

You! Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you.

Moi? Oh.

Yeah, hey, look. I'd like you to meet Elkie Summer. Miss Piggy Elkie Summer.

Enchantée, Elkie.

Enchantée. Mademoiselle Piggy, vous parlez français, hein? C 'est

Maybe this bottle of perfume will help.

Ganser's being funny, you know. He got the silly notion that the only French

know comes from reading perfume bottle labels.

Yeah. Silly.

Silly.

Silly Ganser.

Silly.

Here is something you will understand.

Lend me your ear.

Nothing yet, no.

You see?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What do you mean? I was trying to speak in your native tongue.

Swineese.

Swineese?

Commonly known as chewing the fat.

Hey, Miss Beaker.

Okay, Beaker, you hold the nail.

Okay,

hold the nail right there, and I'll hit it with the hammer.

Come on, put it there again.

Okay.

Look, look, look. I'll take the nail.

Put it there.

You watch closely.

Can't you watch closely from further away?

You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your nerve.

Okay, here we go.

You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your hammer.

And now, ladies and gentlemen... Come in, gentlemen. Why don't they make these

curtains with a door?

Come in.

Kazaga's ready. We got a fish. Go ahead.

You got a fish? Don't ask, just introduce.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Sports!

Hi out there in Sportsland. This is Louis Kazaga welcoming you to the wild

of Muppet Sports.

Tonight, the finals of the All Nations Goldfish Shooting Contest. On my left,

the contender.

me to wish you luck, sir.

Luck? Ha!

I don't need no luck.

He ain't gonna have a chance.

Missed!

Okay, how's it going, Bo?

Oh, well, it's close. We just got to saw off the braces.

Uh -huh. How are you gonna do that?

Oh, well, I sent Beaker to get the power saw.

Was that wise?

Oh, sure, he's okay.

He's dumber than you are.

He is not.

Oh, just so long as he doesn't get carried away.

He's getting carried away.

Listen,

I'll go introduce the number. You get the set finished.

Yes, okay, I'll paint the set. I just got...

Well, folks, it's time for one final number from tonight's wonderful guest

Hey, could you hammer more softly back there?

No, could you talk more loudly?

Well, anyway, here she is, one of Filmdom's great talents and great

might add. Could you speak more slowly out there?

No, could you hammer more quickly?

Here she is, the Cleopatra of movie stars, Miss Elka Summer.

Young Johnny Jones, he had a cute little boat.

And all the girlies he would take for a float.

He had girlies on the shore.

Sweet little peaches by the pool.

But Johnny was a Weisenheimer, you know.

His daddy girl was slow.

And every Sunday afternoon, he'd jump in his boat and they would swoon.

And then he'd roll, roll, roll.

Way up the river he would roll, roll, roll.

A hug he'd give her, then he'd kiss her now and then. He would tell him when.

He'd fool around and fool around and then they'd kiss again. And then he'd

roll, roll.

A little further he would roll. Oh, how he'd roll.

And then he'd drop both his oars, take a few more encores, and then he'd roll,

roll. Row!

Row!

Row! Row!

Faster! Row!

And then he'd... Row! Faster!

Row! Way up the river he would... Row! Faster!

Row! A happy giver and... Row! Faster now and then... Row! He'd tell you

He'd roll around and pull around... Row! And then he'd... Row!

Row! Row!

A little further he would... Row! Oh wow, he'd row!

And then he gave her a smile and said thank you for the night.

I think we just about finished whatever it was we started a while back. But

before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Al Kazama.

Thank you very much, Kermit. I had a

wonderful time, and I want to thank you and all of your friends very much

indeed. Oh, good. Well, it's been a little wild and crazy tonight, but now

things have calmed down...

Is he a bouncing baby boy? I don't know but we're high enough up to find out.