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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,450 --> 00:00:02,450 Come in, knock, knock. 2 00:00:02,690 --> 00:00:05,770 Spike Milligan? Yes. 30 seconds to the curtain, Mr. Milligan. 3 00:00:06,110 --> 00:00:07,510 It's 30 seconds to the curtain. 4 00:00:07,890 --> 00:00:09,210 It's 5 foot 11 to the floor. 5 00:00:09,530 --> 00:00:10,530 I'll take the curtain. 6 00:00:11,530 --> 00:00:13,050 Say, what's that you're wearing? 7 00:00:13,350 --> 00:00:14,350 My family crest. 8 00:00:14,570 --> 00:00:15,569 What's that? 9 00:00:15,570 --> 00:00:16,570 A coat of arms. 10 00:00:19,970 --> 00:00:23,250 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. 11 00:00:23,470 --> 00:00:24,470 Spike Milligan. 12 00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,360 to get things started. 13 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,680 very special guest is one of England's wildest comedians, Mr. Spike Milligan. 14 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,620 We especially wanted Spike on the show because tonight we're presenting an 15 00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:34,320 international extravaganza. You see, we just learned that the Muppet Show is 16 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,500 being shown in 108 different countries. 17 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,080 Uh -oh. Better get out your old army uniform. 18 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,060 Yes, with 108 angry countries, there's bound to be trouble. 19 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,280 Anyway, 20 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:49,200 we're going to have on our show people from every one of those 108 countries. 21 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,920 And we're going to start things off with a tribute to the land... of the rising 22 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:53,920 sun. 23 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:10,419 Am I 24 00:02:10,419 --> 00:02:17,200 in the right 25 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,200 show? 26 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:27,040 I'm a homer every night. My honey lemon, I sit alone and hop and 27 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,060 watch the hop making lazy. 28 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,360 Hey, listen, guys, I think it's a mistake. 29 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,540 We've been wrong, fool, all right. 30 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,120 And when we've been wrong, fool, it's right. 31 00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:39,920 And when we say, 32 00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:42,080 yeah, 33 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:48,080 we're doing fine. 34 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,680 Hey! 35 00:04:04,130 --> 00:04:06,250 I don't know. I never get up that early. 36 00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:09,430 Okay. 37 00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:12,350 Lovely number. 38 00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:13,890 Good. 39 00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:15,510 Yes, 40 00:04:15,770 --> 00:04:16,769 right. 41 00:04:17,570 --> 00:04:18,570 Well, 42 00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:26,890 there seems to be a hole in the schedule right now. 43 00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:31,070 Boy, this alludes to all the nations you're planning must really be a biggie. 44 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,300 Well, too big, maybe, Scooter. You know, I thought you were in charge of 45 00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,460 organizing all these people. Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir. 46 00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:42,000 Scotsman, Venezuelans, dressing room two, Arabs and Eskimos, dressing room 47 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,300 three. Move it, boys. Hey, wait a second. What are the Australians up to? 48 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,520 Huh? 49 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,820 We're up to this sport. 50 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:51,640 What do you yanks down to? 51 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,280 Come on, move it, Scotsman. Move it, move it. 52 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,480 Ladies and gentlemen. 53 00:05:00,590 --> 00:05:01,690 The American Eagle. 54 00:05:06,590 --> 00:05:10,990 My subject tonight is our friends the British. 55 00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:16,110 I have therefore asked a proper English gentleman to talk to us. 56 00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,390 Please. 57 00:05:19,890 --> 00:05:24,010 How do you do, sir? 58 00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:25,650 Well, I'm coming up. 59 00:05:37,620 --> 00:05:40,500 What? No, no, 60 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,279 no, no. 61 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:45,920 Please, sir. You are not speaking the Queen's English. 62 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,620 Why, sure. She never speaks any of mine. 63 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,100 There goes the matter. 64 00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:51,560 It's too late to get Laurence Olivier. 65 00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:52,940 You fool! 66 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,660 What? What? 67 00:05:56,160 --> 00:06:00,520 What say you? Silence when you speak to me. Listen, he talks the same as I do. 68 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,720 No. Yes! 69 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,700 He talks proper when he's on the stage. Where's that pencil? 70 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,340 To be or not to be. 71 00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:13,020 That is the question. See, he talks like that so that you people in the colonies 72 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,020 can understand. 73 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:20,180 What? Sir, may we please change the subject? May we, hmm? May we set him 74 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,980 French? Off, off. 75 00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:26,160 Let us talk about the quaint English custom of tea time. 76 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,160 My lord, tea. 77 00:06:29,740 --> 00:06:35,660 Where did that come from? It comes from Hong Kong. 78 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,500 Sir, sir, sir. 79 00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:45,160 I thought to drink tea properly, the English extend the pinky. 80 00:06:45,380 --> 00:06:45,979 Of course. 81 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:50,440 The pinky, the greeny, the browny, the bluey, and the reddy. Ready? Go! 82 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,740 Sir, sir, leave, leave the stage. 83 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,440 Leave the stage? Yes. 84 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,220 You don't think I'm going to take it with me, do you? 85 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,220 Sir, you are a disgrace to England. 86 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,740 Let me tell this eagle creep. 87 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,660 England is not finished yet. 88 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,200 It's finished. 89 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:13,400 Now! 90 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:21,060 I love England, especially in this close -up. 91 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,300 Then show it. 92 00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:25,290 Sure. Yes. 93 00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:37,650 Terrific. It's about time we had some sophistication on this show. 94 00:07:39,690 --> 00:07:42,230 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Spike Milligan. 95 00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:46,410 I hope I haven't offended any of my people. 96 00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:49,810 Well, you certainly didn't offend me. I thought it was very funny. Right. It's 97 00:07:49,810 --> 00:07:50,810 your fault. 98 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,580 not clever. Anyone can drop their pants. 99 00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,600 I didn't know you were Lithuanian. 100 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,700 That man is a sicko. 101 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,580 Okay, what's next? Music of Scotland. Music of Scotland on stage, please. 102 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,740 Right here, ready to go. 103 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:16,960 What are those? 104 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:18,200 They're my bongos. 105 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:23,380 We'll have a wee bit of primitive island rhythm. A Bonnie Glasgow samba. 106 00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:31,710 Oh, I got trouble up here, boss. 107 00:08:31,990 --> 00:08:34,909 What? The Eskimos and the Arabs are sharing a dressing room. 108 00:08:35,110 --> 00:08:39,150 So? So the Arabs want it hotter and the Eskimos want to turn on the air 109 00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,150 conditioner. 110 00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:43,409 Listen, I have an introduction to make. Try to get them to compromise. 111 00:08:43,809 --> 00:08:45,230 Oh, they have compromised. 112 00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:49,610 Yeah, the Eskimos turned on the air conditioner and the Arabs set it on 113 00:08:50,090 --> 00:08:53,070 Come on, boys, get out of there. 114 00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:02,940 extinguisher. And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our 115 00:09:02,940 --> 00:09:07,760 review, here is the music of Scotland played by... I hope you don't put that 116 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,920 fire out too soon, laddie. Why? 117 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:13,600 Oh, the heat feels good when you're in kilts. 118 00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:19,320 I don't think I want to hear about this. Ladies and gentlemen, the music of 119 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,320 Scotland. 120 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,640 and welcome to Muppet News International. 121 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:10,940 Yes, sir, welcome to it. 122 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,980 Simultaneous translation, bringing you news and views across the language 123 00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:16,980 barrier. 124 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:22,300 Hello. Are you going to tell them what I just said? No, your secret is sacredly. 125 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,140 All right, here is the news. 126 00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:32,740 Things look grim in the outback as rebel 127 00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:35,120 forces continue to fight amongst themselves. 128 00:10:39,910 --> 00:10:45,830 First one side seems to be winning. And then the other side gets on top. 129 00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:49,710 And casualties have been very heavy. 130 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:57,250 And strong ties between the two factions have been permanently cut. 131 00:10:59,590 --> 00:11:03,250 Eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms. 132 00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:08,500 Where a priceless antique buzz... came under the hammer. 133 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:15,180 Rumors of a cover -up affected prices on the stock 134 00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:20,420 market where woolens were hit badly, 135 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:25,300 eventually plunging to an all -time low. 136 00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:32,740 The search continues for a missing man said by police to be dangerous and more 137 00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:33,960 than a little screwy. 138 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,240 As the inventor of the pop -up toaster. 139 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,200 Next we have... Full fashion. 140 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:54,520 A newsman was attacked today by a mad English 141 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,620 comic. Really? We must find him. 142 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:06,919 Oh, hi. 143 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,460 Yeah, hey, the band's all ready for the big American jazz number. 144 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,520 Where's the little green poncho? 145 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:16,580 Well, he's trying to keep things organized in the dressing room. It's 146 00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:17,620 mess around here today. 147 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:18,819 Oh, yeah? 148 00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:20,720 Lack of international understanding? 149 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,800 Oh, I'll say. Nobody on the show tonight can understand anybody else. 150 00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:25,839 Oh, yeah? 151 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,500 Now you explain that. 152 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:33,760 Yeah? Yeah. 153 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,100 Oh, 154 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:51,520 man. I'm going on stage. 155 00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:54,020 It's too weird around here for me. 156 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:05,960 Now, me and the band here are hip to the international tone that our froggy 157 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,080 foreman is trying to lay on tonight's show. 158 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,620 But that's no reason for not including a little of the domestic product. 159 00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,120 Now, from West Side Story, America. 160 00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:50,200 What a multi -big session that was. 161 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,440 For sure. 162 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:55,820 Go get him, animal. Sick him. Sick him. 163 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,960 Well, have you met my Uncle Kermit? Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit. Have you met Luis 164 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,700 Greco, the Morse Code flamenco dancer? 165 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:15,000 Oh, he says it's an honor just to meet you and have a chance to say hi. 166 00:15:20,330 --> 00:15:27,250 I think you're stopping. What did 167 00:15:27,250 --> 00:15:34,410 they 168 00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:38,610 say? Bad news, Uncle Kermit. Spain and Sweden have just declared war. 169 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,080 things weren't getting out of hand enough, it's now my irresponsible 170 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,380 introduce our very special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, doing a piece that 171 00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:01,800 has asked me to describe as being called the intergalactic brotherhood of man, 172 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:02,880 including things. 173 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,840 Ladies and gentlemen, Spike Milligan! 174 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:21,680 comedy with her. 175 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,700 With a surprise ending. 176 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,580 Now, who came first? 177 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,440 Hey, can we have our chicken back, please, mister? 178 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:40,480 That was the voice of Blue Zealand. 179 00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,720 Very good evening. 180 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,760 They already know that you, Nana. 181 00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:50,350 Mr. Seelan would only agree to reading the part of the voice -off that says, 182 00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:51,830 we have our chicken back, please, mister? 183 00:16:52,050 --> 00:16:55,810 On condition that he would then be allowed to come on stage and show his 184 00:16:55,810 --> 00:17:00,070 the people that they would remember him and care about, get this, care about his 185 00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:01,070 career. 186 00:17:02,950 --> 00:17:05,910 And my boomerang fish act. What, what, what, what, what? 187 00:17:06,170 --> 00:17:08,750 New Zealand and his boomerang fish act. 188 00:17:08,950 --> 00:17:11,130 Every night is Friday night. 189 00:17:15,150 --> 00:17:17,569 Yeah, you see, I thought he fit away from me. 190 00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:20,329 Ice! It all comes back to me now. 191 00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:21,690 Come on. 192 00:17:23,849 --> 00:17:25,670 Well, thank you. Hey, good night. 193 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:27,390 Good night? They already know it's a good night. 194 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:28,790 Hey, comedy. 195 00:17:29,010 --> 00:17:30,410 Comedy? Comedy on this show? 196 00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:32,310 Right again, it is comedy. 197 00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:34,090 Now, get out! 198 00:17:36,870 --> 00:17:40,730 In the happy, relaxed atmosphere of international friendship that exists, 199 00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:43,170 despite the presence of many foreigners, 200 00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:49,210 We can easily overlook those alien beings lost in the wastes of the 201 00:17:49,510 --> 00:17:55,070 We must reach out for those forms of life. Reach out and try... What 202 00:17:55,070 --> 00:18:01,570 was that? 203 00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:02,990 That was very strange. 204 00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,050 It was very weird. It was peculiar. 205 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:06,350 It was kind of amusing. 206 00:18:06,510 --> 00:18:09,230 Yes, it was rather funny. It was incredibly funny. I loved it. 207 00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:16,880 you jerk. You're good. 208 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:22,620 Kermit! Oh, Kermit, I just think it's wonderful that you have organized this 209 00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,260 parade of nations finale. 210 00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:29,160 Yeah, well, it seemed like sort of a nice thing to do. Nice? Kermit, it's, 211 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:35,720 it's, it's, it's humanitarian to have the citizens of the world on our little 212 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:41,440 stage, all races and colors, hand in hand, in brotherhood. 213 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,780 Stand by for the Parade of Nations. 214 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,220 Ladies and gentlemen, the Parade of Nations. 215 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,980 Stand by for the Parade of Nations. 216 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:57,620 All right! 217 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,280 Lock it up! 218 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,960 It's the Brotherhood bit! 219 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,520 Thank you, Miss Piggy. 220 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,040 I'll go introduce it. 221 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:19,020 As a fitting climax to tonight's international edition of The Muppet 222 00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:23,520 is a parade of the nations featuring our guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, and 223 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,600 dedicated to one of our very favorite countries, Disneyland. 224 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,320 Ladies and gentlemen, it's a small world. 225 00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:41,860 It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of... 226 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:50,500 that we share that it's time we're aware it's a small world after all 227 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:53,420 it's a small world 228 00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:18,050 There's so much that we share that in time we're aware it's a small world. 229 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,660 refused to admit it. I hope you've enjoyed our tribute to practically 230 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:14,400 And right now, let's welcome back our fantastic guest star, the amazing Spike 231 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,400 Milligan! Spike! 232 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,220 Me! Me not go! 233 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,280 Me like it here! Me not say goodbye! 234 00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:26,120 Me say, hello, sailor! 235 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,780 Anyhow, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! 236 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:47,160 Tomorrow at 7 on The Muppet Show, the Muppets are smitten by the arrival of a 237 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:50,780 screened beauty and pigs in faith aim to conquer another planet. 238 00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:56,580 Coming up next on Happy Days, Joanie turns into a fool in love with Potsy. 17719