Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

You know, comedy is really difficult. One thing that happens with comedy

is that they are all really good at coming up with beginnings.

Really good setups, but they can't figure out how to pay them off.

Hey, that's nice, but if you keep applauding, you won't hear my monologue.

Okay, okay. Of course, that doesn't mean I want you to sit on your hands.

Don't worry, we won't. Good.

Yeah, if we sit on our hands, we can't throw things at you.

Well, now I'll share with you one of the real secrets to the Muppets. What my

father figured out was, you know, if you can't get out, you just either blow

something up, or you eat something,

or you just throw penguins in the air.

And here it is, The Muppet Show.

Pearl Bailey?

Pearl Bailey? 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey.

I'll be there, honey, as soon as somebody calls off these oysters.

Back, back, heel, heel.

Oh, clam up.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.

It's time to put on makeup. It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Everybody on stage.

Everybody is on stage.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

salarational, mouth -to -tational. This is Black Week.

to tell you what a kick I get when I think of all of you out there watching

You know, it sends a chill right up my spine.

Woo!

There it was right there. Matter of fact, here comes another one.

Woo!

That one is for our very special guest star. She is one of the most wonderful

stars of the whole entertainment world, and she told me just before the show

that her papa was a preacher, which is a wonderful reason for doing the

following number. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey!

My soul is a witness, yes it is,

yes it is.

My soul is a witness, yes it is,

yes it is.

Yes, it is. Someone needs to

hear God's love is always near.

And my life is a testimony.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

the avocado.

Well, what'd you think?

Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.

That's amazing.

No, it's not. He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.

Okay, nice number, nice number.

Get on stage, Bunsen.

Oh, wow, Kermit, like I really don't believe this weird trip you're putting

on. Oh, what's that, Janice? Oh, the band and I just flashed on the closing

number. The band just flashed?

Kermit, sometimes I just don't know what space you're coming from.

Well, it's just sort of a regular backstage space.

Really, Kermit, you don't expect us to do the jousting number from Camelot?

Well, any word, yes.

Ew.

Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that. Honey, you tell him.

Oh, my little green friend, you have much indeed to learn about...

Today's slang.

How do you mean, Floyd?

Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number,

Knight of the Iron wasn't it.

Fractured flipper.

Tinker, tinker, fiddle.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

Well, I've got some news here to tickle your fancy, because here they are,

friends. The answer to your prayers, Muppet's all -new edible paperclips.

Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paperclips goes, of

course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.

Beaker, what is the matter?

Oh. That's very naughty, Beaker. Now, you eat these clips this minute. Go on,

eat.

Not so bad. Go ahead.

Mm -hmm.

Yes.

Yes, friends, Muppet's edible paper clips are delicious, nutritious, and

-plated. They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV

Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.

Or nearly so.

Poor fellow, lost his nose.

How will he smell without it? Same as always, terrible.

Doctor, is Beaker all right?

Oh, he'll be fine. I'll just go and vent some nose glue.

Come on, Beaker.

Yeah, yeah, but hey, I'm talking about serious, Kermit. I mean, why cast me?

This night business is an actor's gig.

I am a musician, remember?

Yeah, well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the night because you fit the part. You

see, you're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real

honor. The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit.

Scooter, I need a broken leg.

Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on you again. No, no, no, no.

Now, listen, this is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting

scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.

Who is the Black Knight? Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will

know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.

The world will forever wonder who I am.

Though some may harbor suspicions.

at the Smithfield Hat Factory, reports say that hats are falling all over the

place.

Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got out of that iron suit, man. Oh, yeah,

was a stone drag. Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you, you're looking good now

with the purple thread.

Yeah, my main squeeze, give me this. Oh, you are clever.

Listen, come here a minute. I want to ask you a question.

The rest of the musicians, do they know you in here?

No. Well, crazy. Listen, what if you and me, or you and I, either one,

what if we did a little number together? And then if we went over, who knows, we

could take over the whole thing.

Pardon me?

Nothing would please me more. I thought it would.

Well, you jump right into it, man.

Let me jump in there with you. In the good old summertime.

All right. In the good old summertime.

Strolling down that shady lane with my baby man. All right. Listen,

I'll take his hand. Then he'll take mine. Good start.

That's a good, good sign.

Yeah. Then naturally I will be his tootsie. What's in the good old

with my baby my darling you are growing old now

hold that baby just kidding i will be to

see what's in the good old so come on let's go together

Summertime.

Summertime. In the good old summertime.

Let me tell you something.

Strolling down the shady lane.

Walking, talking, moving, grooving.

I'm going to take his hand.

He'll take mine. Watch it, honey. Let me get this whole thing together.

I will be the tootsie -wootsie in the good old summertime.

In the good old summertime. I'll be your tootsie -wootsie in the good old

summertime.

That is life for me.

A high silk hat and a silver cane. A watch of gold and a diamond chain.

Hi, diddle -de -doo.

You sleep till after two.

You prom and nod with a big cigar. You tour the world in a private car. You

on chicken and caviar. An actor's life for me.

Okay, what happens now?

Oh, now comes the funny part.

Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.

Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?

Oh, just for the halibut.

You were better off leaving the stage.

Ah!

Hi, diddle -dee -dee, an actor's life for me.

A high silk hat and a silver cane, a watch of gold with a diamond chain.

Hi, diddle -dee -doo, you sleep till after two.

Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.

No, it doesn't. It needs scenery!

Oh, wonderful scenery.

But is it funny?

Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for. Oh, Fozzie, what are you

carrying the hoop for?

Ah, because Batman and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless.

Just for the hell of it. Keep crying.

Hi -diddly -dee -dee, an actor's life for me. A high silk hat and a silver

a watch of gold with a diamond chain.

Hi -diddly -doo, you sleep till after two.

You promenade with a big cigar, you tour the world in a private car. You dine on

chicken and caviar, an actor's life for me.

An actor's life for me.

When we last left the swine track, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.

If the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big,

then our spaceship is down here, possibly.

Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there?

That's a ducky.

We need to go in this direction up here.

Or possibly over... Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, we're lost. Lost in space. Why won't he admit it? Well, just give me time.

I got lost once before and I found my way out.

Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?

No, in a phone booth.

This pencil is delicious.

There's no time for that now. We must either find out our position or we will

perish.

Which is it to be, Link?

Prunes.

Prunes?

Prunes was not a choice.

This is a pencil -shaped prune.

Wait. I see by the readout here that we are passing through a field of deadly

snack -a -waves.

Snack -a -waves?

Yeah, yeah. At this very moment...

everything aboard the ship into food.

My prune pencil.

Ridiculous.

Including this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.

Oh, that's delicious.

What happened?

What does it look like?

Chocolate layer cake.

Dessert.

Dessert? Don't you dare, dessert.

Look

at

old Cabbage Head.

It's a cauliflower.

Listen.

The crew have started to eat the ship.

I find that a bit hard to swallow.

The crew is eating the ship. Are you going bananas?

No.

Scallions.

Oh, what are we going to do with the Huffington spacecraft?

Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?

Be sure to tune in next week for Pigs on Toes.

Okay, staging, you can strike that spaceship.

You're skating on thin ice, Frog.

Makeup! Makeup!

Boy, oh boy, Chief, are we in trouble.

Well, what now? Well, you know how you're planning to do the jousting scene

Camelot? Of course. That's the show's big finale.

Well, the people that published the music from Camelot just called. They

let you do it.

What? I was willing to give them credit.

I would have given them a big buildup. I would have given anything to do the

jousting scene.

They want money.

I cancel the jousting scene.

Gee whiz, Chief. I thought you said we had $14 .95 in the cash box. Yeah, well,

I spent $13 .50 on the suits of armor.

What are we going to do?

What can we do?

There's only one thing to do.

What's that?

Whatever comes next.

real professor?

Of course. I hold the chair of philosophy.

Oh, where's that?

Right here.

You seem to have a lot on your mind.

Oh, yeah. I've got a wife and child to support.

Say, are we poisonous?

I don't know. Why?

Oh, nothing really. I just bit my tongue.

Oh, wow. They're not too light on their feet.

Ow! Not too light on mine, either.

Terrific, terrific, wonderful.

Say, is your friend the avocado here some kind of professional critic?

Nah, he's just unemployed.

You should go to work. Try to make something of yourself.

Like what?

Guacamole.

Men,

this is a command decision.

We're going to have to cancel the joust. Do it! What?

It'll be fun. It'll be snazzy. It'll be dumb.

No, really.

Hey, no, dig on it. For once, old green stuff speaketh the truth.

No, come on.

Come on. I am sorry to have to do this, but my career is at stake. Now you move.

Yes, yes, move. I'll take that. Move, come on. Yes, move.

Hey, tell me, just between the two of us, do you really think this will work?

No! Isn't it terrific?

Come on, just introduce us, okay? Okay, okay, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, we were planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot,

but I do think we should cancel this.

There's been a very pointed argument against canceling.

All right, good work, Gonzo!

Now, wish us luck, folks, because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl

Bailey and the Muppet players in what almost might sort of, kind of like be

considered the jousting scene from Camelot.

Every duke and earl and peer is here.

Everyone who should be here is here.

a smashing, positively dashing spectacle we're here to see today.

And now, may I present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will

officially to our annual joust.

Hello, fellas.

Well, hello, fellas.

It's so nice

and swell.

Fellas, I can tell.

Fellas, you're still

introduce the contestants for this year's Joust.

I got the horse right here. His name is Paul Revere. And here's a guy who says

if the weather's clear, can do, can do.

This guy says the horse can do.

I got a horse right here. Belongs to Gwen Revere. And I say this horse can

can do, can do.

Anything you can do, I can do better.

I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.

Yes, I can. No, he can't. Yes, he can. Yes, he can.

Anything you can be, I can be greater. I can be anything greater than you. No,

you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, he can't. Yes, he can.

Yes, he can.

A boy like that could kill your brother.

This don't make any sense at all.

Well, I know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it.

Let the joust begin!

I didn't like it. What do you avocados think?

It's the pits.