Original subtitles

Loretta Lynn?

Loretta Lynn?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Lynn.

How is it that you didn't meet me here at the train station?

Well, here I am. Terrific. Where's the theater?

Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta. What?

We can't use the Muppet Theater tonight.

Well, what are we going to use then?

Platform 2.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest, our Miss Loretta Lynn.

Music! Okay, let's go this way. Let's go over here. Oh, this way. Sorry.

Can I see your ticket?

Hey,

you know who's conducting?

The conductor.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the mob. It's time to make a thing ring.

Let's hope we...

It's time to get things started on the most inspirational, inspirational.

It's Rick Soto's Railroad Spatial. This is what we call the Muppet Show.

Very special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in country music, Miss

Loretta Lynn.

But first, I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show.

You see, the regular Muppet Theater is being fumigated, and we had to find

another place to do the show. And so the only other place that we could find

was... Coming, coming. What is it, Gonzalo? You better hurry. There's one

now. Yeah, the only other place that we could find was...

nearly deserted train station.

Oh, it's Loretta Lynn!

How many, three, two, we're going to do the show from the station here? Uh,

well, uh, Loretta, that is a very difficult question.

And, um, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, well, the answer is, uh, yes.

Well, don't worry about it because us country singers can sing anywhere.

Wonderful.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the most talented and cooperative of

guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn!

So we'll hope you like what you see Cause if you're looking at me

You're looking at country You don't see no city

when you look at me Cause the country's all I am

of the barnyard shovel fit your hand.

If your eyes are on me, you're looking at country.

Oh, let's hear it now, boys.

Well, if this sure country is a little green, but there's a whole lot of

that you ain't seen, I'll show you around.

If you show me a wedding band, I said a wedding band.

When it comes...

If you're looking at me, you're looking at country.

If your eyes are on me, you're looking at country.

If your eyes are on me, you're looking at country.

No, I bought a round -trip ticket.

To where?

To here, stupid.

Okay, all right, nice number you guys. Let's see, what's next? Tap dancers, tap

dancers on stage, please. Abe, Bernie, come on, get out there, you guys.

Hey, will you guys be quiet, please?

Hey, where are you going? You got my coffee cup there.

This is never going to work.

I should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.

But it was the only place available.

They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

Anyway, the show is going great.

Yeah, well, it's not just a show. It's backstage here. See, I can't use this

place here as an office.

It's not so bad. I mean, so a train goes by once in a while. Who notices?

Mom!

Thank you.

Find you a quieter place.

How much is the pig news here?

Well, will you get out of here?

Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by

mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.

However, delivery of airmail will continue as normal.

Yeah,

this is a terrific place for you, Carmen.

You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here. Yeah, well, at least it's

lot quieter than the baggage room. Yeah, nobody will bother you here. This car

is out of service.

You're sure about that?

Trap me.

All aboard!

I better check the timetable.

It's too late for that.

Scooter! Scooter! Boss!

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Pittsburgh.

Scooter, take over for me.

I'll be back as soon as I can. This is terrible.

Okay. We have to change trains at Altoona.

Thank you.

Okay, boss, you can trust me.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny furry man.

Scooter, Scooter!

Please don't introduce me. I don't have an actor at me.

It's all right, Fozzie. Just tell him the joke you told me, the one about the

electricians and the polar bear.

You like the one about the electricians and the polar bear? It's a masterpiece.

I laugh for days.

Introduce me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Hey, did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? Well, see, first of

all, the polar bear... No,

but the wallpaper tasted terrific, he said.

The polar bear said that. If he didn't... Oh, I'm so lonely.

Well, here's a train depot, Fred.

Yeah, well, let's find the cattle car and get some sleep.

Uh, you know, for a teenager, you're very mature.

Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.

Oh, really?

Well, I cut myself both times.

You ever seen people dancing in a train station?

People? Yes.

Pigs? Never.

Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world?

Oh, let's see. Humorous man.

Uh... I give up. Who?

You are, fathead.

I don't get it.

Hey, these folks are dancing and telling jokes.

Well, they're dancing.

Oh, oh.

What is it? Oh, oh. My feet are killing me. Oh, oh.

Gee, I wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.

I hope they're all right.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous, Gonzo.

But at least we found a stupid hand car.

Oh, Kermit, relax with it. I mean, it's fun.

Doesn't this take you back to the golden age of railroading? I just want it to

take me back to the station.

Ah, the romance of it all.

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

I don't believe this. He's gonna sing?

To renew old memories.

Forget about renewing your memories. Worry about renewing your contract.

Got my bag.

I got my reservation.

We're going to have a sprained back by the time this is over.

Like a child in wild anticipation.

Long to hear that audible.

I'm counting every mile of railroad track.

Oh, I'm sorry. Big finish.

Never thought my heart could be so yearny. Why did I

decide to roam?

Gonna take a sentimental journey.

Sentimental journey home.

Come on, Gandalf.

How's the show going?

Oh, pretty good. But I wish Kermit was here.

What's next act?

Uh, Winky Pinkerton. Yeah, he does bird impressions.

Pluck, tweak, tweak, cock -a -doodle -doo.

What's up?

Yeah, break a beak.

Hey, I'm just thrilled to pieces you're doing this big TV show here in our train

depot. Yeah, well, we like it, too.

Say, tell me something, though.

Where's Loretta Lynn?

Oh, she's here, in her dressing room.

Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet?

Because the boiler room was full of pigs?

I'm just relaxing and singing some old songs.

Remember this one?

Back to Veterinary Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack that's gone to the dogs.

Here's your next patient, Dr. Bob.

He's a conductor.

Well, he's not getting any symphony from me.

You mean sympathy.

He's not getting any of that either.

Dr. Bob, he's a train conductor.

Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.

Why not?

I've got a very poor track record.

Hey, what's the matter with him? I don't know. He keeps saying the same thing

over and over.

All aboard!

See what I mean?

Dr. Bob, that's all he ever says.

Well, he must have a one -track mind.

That's your second track joke, Dr. Bob.

So what? Who keeps track?

That's three.

Well, it's too late to change. You can't teach...

He's worked too long on the railroad. It's affected his mind.

Yes, the strain on his brain stays mainly on the train.

Oh, Dr.

Bob, I think you've got it.

All aboard!

And so we come to the end of another veterinary in his hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.

Bob. I think he's got railroad sneeze.

What's railroad sneeze?

Ah, choo -choo!

True. Seats are more comfortable, too.

Only the entertainment lives down to my expectations.

Hey,

Kermit. What? I don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.

But, but, but, Kermit.

Listen, just keep pumping. We've got to get up to the train station.

But, Kermit, it's important.

Okay, Gonzo, what is it? Well, there's a light up ahead.

Oh, good. Maybe that's the train station.

No. That's a train.

Here

is

a Muppet News flash.

Excuse me, do you sell any chocolate bars?

No.

How about Jellied Piglets?

Will you get out of here?

broke into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking

away at the Morse Key.

They were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on

Scooter, have you heard anything from Kermit yet? No, not yet.

Oh, no.

The next thing on the show is supposed to be the rhyming song.

The rhyming song?

Yeah. But we're not ready for the rhyming song. I know we're not ready for

rhyming song. What's on now?

Nothing.

Rhyming song.

Stand by for the rhyming song.

No, no, Scooter, it's you. It's me first. Me, me, me.

Let's all sing the rhyming song. The rhyming song. The rhyming song.

Let's take turns and rhyme together.

The rhyming song.

I was hungry, now I'm not. The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Cause I eat some beans and grapes.

The rhyming song.

Let's all sing the rhyming song. The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Let's take turns and rhyme together.

The rhyming song.

I lift my knees in your car. The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

My laundry's ready, I'd have...

The rhyming song, the rhyming song. Let's take turns and rhyme together.

The rhyming song.

Stars are twinkling in the sky.

The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

There's no hot water in my hotel.

The rhyming song.

Is this not the rhyming song? The rhyming song, the rhyming song. I know

not the rhyming song. The rhyming song.

Brother.

What do we do now?

This is a rhyming song, huh? They're really getting desperate.

Desperation's a good sign.

Soon they may panic and run away.

Yeah, yeah, Kermit.

What? Hit by a train?

Well, uh...

At least it's a different way to spend the day.

I'm glad you're okay, at least.

Oh, excuse me, Scooter. Hold on a second, Kermit.

Yeah, Loretta? I don't see how we're going to be able to do this last number.

Why? Well, it needs a lot of scenery.

Oh, well, we got the scenery. It's just a little different.

How's that?

Fozzie painted it.

Okay, come on. Move it in.

That's it. And bring down the clothesline, guys, too, okay?

That's it. All the way down.

No, hold it. No, up, up.

That's too far. Okay, that's it. Perfect.

Okay, Loretta, good luck. Watch out, though. Your paint's still wet.

Okay, then. I'm ready for my next number. Great.

Okay, Chief, I'm ready to introduce Loretta.

Well, of course I'll do a good job.

Don't worry.

Okay, you tell me what to say, and I'll say it, all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn.

Boy, Chief, you got a way with words.

One of the...

Thank you.

Well, folks... I'm sorry, Kermit's not here right now. Okay, okay, okay, I'm

here, I'm here.

Well, I'm as right as I can be after being nearly hit by a train and falling

into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.

Wow, you forgot about the dogs.

Yes, yes, we were also chased by angry dogs.

You always leave out the best parts.

Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next on the show? Oh, nothing.

you got here just in time for the end.

Well,

uh, so much for the railroad station show.

It's been a little bit weird, but tonight did have one big advantage, and

she is, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I want you to know I really had a great time on your show tonight. Oh,

that's good. Hey, but listen, we better get out of here before another train

comes along. Hey, hey, hey, you can take your time, Kermit. No more trains

tonight. I put up a sign that'll keep them away.

Well, what does the sign say?

Airport.

Oh,

trains don't go to airports.

I know, but...

Well, what'd you think?

Well, a bit stinky.