Original subtitles

Jean Stapleton, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton. Thank you.

Good luck, Miss Stapleton. Good luck, Miss Stapleton. Thank you.

Thank you.

Just one thing I've got to remember.

I am normal.

Jean, get a grip on yourself.

Oh, please.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Jean Stifleton.

I'm going to play the music. It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Think we'll be entertained tonight?

I will. I brought a book.

It's time to get things started on the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational bit.

that they said would never get off the ground.

They were right.

But we are indeed fortunate to have with us as our special guest a wonderful

actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I gotta tell you what happened.

When we were booking Jean for the show, I was expecting a call from my tailor.

You're a tailor. Yeah, yeah. So when a guy phoned and asked me if I'd like Jean

Stapleton, I... said that I don't wear jeans and I certainly wouldn't want them

stapled on.

Stapled on jeans, ears.

Help me.

Is it too late to go into hibernation?

Yes, by about two minutes. Gotcha.

Well, we like to get the show off to a great start, but having failed that,

let's head for the border.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. He's a cuckoo in my

class. And when he says cuckoo, he means it's time to woo.

It's tickle time for all the lovers in the block. I've got a heavy date, a

-tater date. So tickle, tickle, tell me, is it getting late?

If I'm on time, cuckoo, but if I'm late, woo -woo. The one my heart is going to,

may not wait too late.

But there's a birdie and a birdie who goes nowhere.

He knows if every lover's leaning out of showbiz.

Or in the bed of the heart, the tickle's terribly smart. He don't be gently,

gently, gently at the start.

Oh, we hear the tickle, tickle, tickle, calling.

Because the time is right and we could rather fall in. I love that now, so

cuckoo, cuckoo in the trunk.

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

Am I crazy or was that good?

You're crazy.

I thought so.

Arganzo, you weren't in that last number, were you?

No, I'm learning Spanish for my new act.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you see, you have to learn Spanish if you're going to train

Mexican jumping beans.

Uh, makes sense.

Gracias. I'm going to go rehearse now.

Right. Adios.

What?

Uh, goodbye.

Ah, goodbye.

Adios. Whatever.

Kermit! Look! They're gone! My Mexican...

this dish and they're gone.

Well, maybe somebody ate them.

Ate my stars?

It wasn't you, was it? No, Gonzo, it wasn't me. I know how to find out. All I

have to do is say Ariba.

I hope he doesn't eat my walnuts.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our very special guest star,

comedian, actress, singer, and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapledon.

A gentleman, a lady.

What? What seems to be the problem, Jean?

Well, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music. May I see it, please?

Yeah, well, it seems normal to me.

Yeah, just your ordinary, very elaborate, pretentious orchestration.

What's it called?

Elaborate pretensions.

Couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?

Oh, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff?

Arriba!

No Latin stuff tonight. No, no, thank you.

It's that sweet, simple duet that I rehearsed with Fozzie. Where is Fozzie?

I know how that one goes. It goes like this.

Oh, yes, thank you. That's it.

Won't you play...

Here I am, Jean.

You forgot something.

Oh, I never forget. Where's your ukulele? Oh, I forgot.

You're a dingbat.

I was only kidding.

Go. Musical demon, set your honey a dream, and won't you play me some rag?

Just change that classical nag to some sweet, beautiful drag.

If you...

You will play from my copy of a two -letter...

I want to listen to right.

Now do one.

I want to listen to right.

Boy,

that number was something else.

You mean it was good?

No, it was something else.

Okay, 13 and 75.

Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog.

Gladys, I didn't order a sandwich.

What?

Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now, who was it? Well, I

don't know. You'll have to ask around.

I'm too busy. You do it.

Gladys, I'm trying to put on a show.

Well, big deal.

Look, I got a full grill downstairs.

Got six burgers on, a couple of steaks, and two lobsters.

Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?

They're not on the menu.

Why don't you just leave the sandwich?

It ain't been paid for yet. Well, you can charge it to the show.

What are you, nuts?

Well, take it back. Sell it to somebody else.

Who's going to buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?

Walnut lima bean?

happy. Why is that?

Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek.

Hi, Wiener. Can you break a tan?

Certainly.

Don't mention it.

I wish I hadn't.

I see you don't have much to say.

I don't understand that.

You have to think about it.

Wait a minute. You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.

Yes, it's my herring egg.

Transistorized? No, marinated.

I see you still don't have much to say.

I've thought about it. I still don't understand it.

Oh, Letitia, I love you.

Say, are you pulling my leg?

No, why?

It just dropped off.

I don't get that either.

I hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavory program.

I mean, you obviously are a woman whose taste is impeccable. Oh, thank you. But

really, I'm enjoying it very much. Having a lot of fun.

I guess that means my taste is, um, peckable.

Peckable.

What does peckable mean? Oh, speaking of language, can I ask you a question

about the Swedish chef?

The Swedish chef.

What about him? Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real

Swedish.

He what?

No, he doesn't. He... Send in the chef!

Send in the chef!

Imagine. All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?

Don't be too hard on him. Well, I have never. Where is he?

He said he got here as soon as he could.

Well, you tell him that from now... How do you

know what he said?

Oh, I took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.

Oh, he admits the whole thing. He says he doesn't speak real Swedish.

Well, you tell him that this must end. He must stop speaking mock Swedish and

speak honestly and normally.

Oh, he admits the error of his way. And he says from now on, he'll speak

only in his native tongue.

Good.

What, uh...

What did you say?

Oh, I don't know. I don't speak mock Japanese.

Queen Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.

Miss Piggy, what are you doing here? You're not even in the melodrama.

You are not the first to notice.

But, Miss Piggy, I never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.

I thought of putting you in the hospital.

Yeah, but see, you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama. It's just a small

How small?

It's a very small part, and I can't give a very small part like that to a big

star like you.

Oh, well, I see your point.

Yeah, so I thought I'd give it to Annie Sue. She needs experience.

She needs talent.

Oh, Mr.

Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama.

But, Annie Sue, it's your first chance at a dramatic role.

I know, but I'm too scared.

Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.

Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional.

Any two, go to your room.

Oh, brother.

I will save the show, Kermie.

Now for the last time, will you marry me?

For the last time, never, you scoundrel. Where is my hero?

Never fear, my pet. I will save you.

This has spoiled the day.

Say, isn't this a double overhand knot?

Yes, it is.

I haven't seen one of those since I left the Junior Swamp Scouts. You were in

the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?

Troop 37.

Troop 37?

Junior Swamp Scouts never blew.

A Junior Swamp Scout's always true.

Always ready to save the day. We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray!

I don't believe this. Oh, you got the double sheep's head wrong.

It goes like this.

You'll suffer for this, guys.

Remember, the rabbit runs around the tree twice and then goes in his hole.

Oh. Who cares? Now I get it.

There, she'll never get out of that.

Hey, guys,

hey.

Dad.

Do you ever pull on me? Oh, I know, Miss Piggy. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that

whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand. Oh, please forgive me.

You're forgiven.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made

Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly.

Isn't that right, Beaker?

But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill.

Take one, Beaker.

Not the whole bottle!

Oh, dear.

Well, uh...

I guess that's all today from Muppet Labs.

Okay, strike the Muppet Labs set, please.

Turn it.

Could I see you for a minute?

Oh, sure, Jane.

About this next number, I really would rather not do it.

What? You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates and the chickens

playing bagpipes and you're dancing with a seven -foot doorknob?

It's just one cliche after another.

I see what you mean. I'll tell you what I'd really like to do. What's that?

Another duet with my favorite Muppet. Oh, well, that's very nice. That's a

delightful idea.

Oh, good, good. Now, where's Crazy Harry?

Where's Crazy Harry?

That's suicidal.

I don't know what you're planning to do, but whatever it is, it is not safe.

Oh, no. This is a wonderful idea.

It's a musical number. A musical number? Yes, yes.

Well, I guess as long as it's musical, it's okay.

Oh, darling.

Now, listen to the boiler set up. It's beautiful.

All right. Just go ahead.

I'll get up the steam.

Gene, I didn't even know that Crazy Harry played a musical instrument.

Oh, yes.

Which one?

The Explodophone.

The Explodophone? Gene, you could get killed.

Oh, Kermit, listen, I'm not new to this business. I've been all over the world.

You might be again.

Listen, don't worry.

You're going to love it.

Well,

I may not love it, but...

I'll introduce it.

And now, once again, here she is taking her life into her own hands and throwing

it away.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jane Stapleton.

I'm just wild about Harry.

Kisses fill me with ecstasy.

will be very happy to know that we have reached the end of The Muppet Show.

But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very courageous guest,

our lady and gentleman, Miss Jean Stapledon!

I really got a kick out of it.

Tomorrow at 7 on The Muppet Show, James Coco does a small and short number

complete with a miniature set and Muppets. Coming up next on Happy Days,

totals Fonzie's bike and Fonzie wants revenge.

I like that last number.

What did you like about it? It was the last number.