Original subtitles

Roy! Oh, Roy Clark!

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Clark.

Thank you, buddy.

And by the way, I've got a question. I've got the cowboy suit that I'm

to be wearing, but where's the pair of chaps?

Hello, hello, hello.

Where are the pair of chaps, you ask?

Hello, hello, hello.

It's a far cry from Oklahoma.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Roy Clark.

Yay!

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why don't you get things started?

Hey, somebody kill that light.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, malnutritional, dance in black.

going country tonight because our special guest is one of the world's

country music stars, Mr. Roy Clark.

All right, to the country. Let's go, everybody.

To the country.

When I said the show was going country just because Mr. Roy Clark is our guest.

Oh, yeah, one of my favorite performers.

Yeah, well, I didn't mean it would actually be Al Fresco.

Oh, he's good, too.

I thought you should know the stagehands aren't here.

Yeah, I sent them all to the country.

The show is staying here.

They're all in the country waiting for us.

We've got to do the show right here. Don't shout at me. I'm just a bear.

I'm just doing the best I can. We're going to shift the scenery.

Fuzzy. What?

You are going to shift the scenery.

I am going to shift the scenery.

Fuzzy.

I am going to shift the scenery.

Sorry about that, folks.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the multitudinously talented Mr. Roy Clark.

What do I do here?

Rocky Top, you'll always be home to me.

Good old Rocky Top.

Rocky Top, Tennessee.

Rocky Top, Tennessee.

Rocky Top, Tennessee.

Do what?

Damn,

that Roy Clark sure is a numerous person.

Boy, you can say that again.

How does he do that?

Fuzzy! Oh, yes, sir? Listen, there's not a stagehand in the theater, thanks to

you. Ha, thank you, you're welcome.

Listen, Fozzie, you got us into this mess. You are responsible for it. If

anything goes wrong here, Fozzie... Yes, sir?

You are fired.

Fired?

Oh, no.

My nerves are shocked.

Still, what could go wrong? I mean, the stage is set. The star has arrived.

The audience is happy. The theater's on fire. The theater's on fire.

Thank you.

What to do?

Fire!

Fire! Chef, fire!

Fire! What's going on?

Oh, oh, oh, hi.

Uh, nothing. I was just saying...

I'm glad nothing else is going wrong or I'd get fired.

What's all this smoke?

Uh, that's not smoke.

It's not smoke?

No, no. Then what is it?

Jet exhaust.

Jet exhaust?

Just what I was going to say. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look out. Here comes another one. Duck.

You okay? What was that?

Oh, boy, that was a close one. Those planes get lower every day.

Fuzzy, I didn't see any plane.

Yeah, that gets faster, too.

Boy, oh boy. Listen, you go tell Roy Clark to keep his head down, okay? And

phone the airport. Here comes another one!

Get down!

Hello,

operator? How soon can you get me the fire department, huh?

That soon, huh?

And now...

When we last left the rocket ship's swine track, it was drifting aimlessly

space due to a power failure in the control panel.

Oh, first mate, Piggy, if Dr. Strangeport can't restore power to the

panel, we'll be marooned in space forever.

Oh, no!

Well, look at the bright side, my dear. At least you'll spend the rest of your

days with me.

That's the bright side?

Well, I fixed the control panel.

That's wonderful, Doctor.

Yeah, it was 40 vials.

Nice work, Doctor Strangeport.

Oh, it was nothing, Link. Actually, I just used some vials from the electric

toaster. Good thinking. Here, I'll try it.

Uh -oh.

That's all right, Doctor. Actually, it's kind of funny.

Yeah.

You see, that's what you call raising a pig.

Yeah, raising a pig.

She has her ups and downs.

Oh, so you think that's funny, huh?

Well, it's your turn, Linko.

Thought you had me, didn't you?

Why don't you try this one right here?

I am not that stupid.

Oh, then I'll try it.

I want my mommy.

Still think it's funny, bacon brain?

No, we've got to get Dr. Strangepork back.

Hey,

I'm not supposed to be here, right?

Right.

Bacon!

I'm not supposed to be here either, right?

was young the taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue

I teased at life as if it were a foolish game

the way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame

the thousand dreams I dreamed and the splendid things I planned

I always still select on week And shifting sand I

live by night And I shun the naked light of day And only now I

see How the years ran away Yesterday

When I was young So many happy songs

Were waiting to be sung So many wild pleasures

Lay in store for me.

And so much pain. My dazzled eyes with beauty.

I ran so fast at times.

And youth at last ran out.

I never stopped to think.

What life was all about.

And every conversation.

I can now recall.

The signs it felt with me.

And nothing else at all.

Yesterday, the moon was blue.

Every crazy day brought something new to do.

I used my magic age.

If it were a wand and never saw the weight and the emptiness beyond.

The game of love I play with arrogance and pride.

And every flame I lift too quickly, quickly dies.

The friends I made all seem somehow to drift away.

Only I am left.

On stage, in the play, there are so many songs in

me that won't be sung.

I feel the bitter taste, tears upon my tongue.

The time has come for me to pay for yesterday when

I was young.

That was a beautiful song you did. And I love the one where you did all the

instruments, too. Well, thank you. But, Kermit, it's not really that hard. You

know, I come from a musical family.

Oh, really? Sure. My dad plays and all my uncles, and we used to get together

when I was a child and play music.

Oh, wow.

And how many of those instruments can you actually play? Can I actually play,

Kermit? Yes.

Actually? Yes. Maybe one out of five would be a good average. One out of

No, but I attempt to play about seven or eight.

Well, you did very well on that other number. Thank you. I love the trumpet.

I thought maybe you'd bring that up. Yes, that was outstanding.

Outstanding? You mean I should be outstanding in the field somewhere with

trumpet? Well, I didn't say that, Roy.

But anyhow, I suppose you're really just born into show business, actually, huh?

Well, kind of, you know, but my dad still runs a farm back in Virginia where

keeps chickens, and a lot of times I get to miss the place without traveling all

the time. Yeah, well, listen, Roy, we could make you feel right at home,

because, you know, we keep chickens.

Really? Sure.

Kermit, if you keep chickens, could you keep these away?

Well, we also keep ducks, you know.

You have any soup to go with these quackers?

You know what kind of joke we call that in Virginia?

Bad?

You stepped right in the middle of that one.

Yes, I did. Hey, how about some pigs, Roy?

Pigs? Pigs? Huh? Or even cattle?

Fantastic. How many head of cattle do you have?

One. One head of cow.

Chairman, I got to tell you, this is really like being back on the farm.

isn't it great? Sure is. Free eggs, fried chicken on Sunday, bacon for

breakfast, roast duck on Christmas.

All the ham sandwiches you can eat. I mean, this place is like a walk -in

counter. Roy, it may look like a luncheon, but it can soon turn into a

Oh,

I hate

barn dances.

Only reason I come is for the door prize.

Well, what's the prize?

A free ticket to the next barn dance.

You know, my husband weighs five tons.

Oh, that sounds like a lot of bull.

It is, darling. It is.

Oh, why don't y 'all run away with me?

I can't. I gotta think of the wife and eggs.

Thinking of your wife.

I think he's trying to get my goat.

Say, what's your brother -in -law doing up there?

Oh, he's trying to start the ceiling fan. It stopped.

Looks like he got it started.

Hey,

hey, come on, come on. Keep those buckets moving. Come on, guys.

Oh, boy.

Remember how the theater was on fire?

Oh, it still is.

Oh, come on, guys. Faster, faster.

Oh, yes, yes, sir. What is going on here?

Yes, going on here. Where's all this smoke coming from?

Smoke, yes, smoke.

Oh,

didn't you get a cigar?

Cigar? Yes, cigar for the frog.

Tell me, have you any idea what it feels like to be a father?

No, no.

I was hoping you could tell me.

Harvey, I want an explanation.

Oh, dear, yes, I was afraid of that.

Explanation. Chef, chef, chef, come here. Explain to the frog all the things

here. Explain.

No,

I want water.

Give me the bucket.

No, I want a full bucket, you fool.

Will you get away from me? Will you stop crying?

Okay, whatever.

Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, in his premiere presentation of immortal

perfection, otherwise known as rank stupidity, the great Gonzo will yodel

-Korsakov while riding on a motorized pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, the

great Gonzo!

Hey,

we can't have a hole in the stage.

that part of the stage.

Yes, the scooter lights up.

Oh, boy.

I can't see a thing. Where are you? I'm over here by the hole.

I'll follow the sound of your... Oh, no.

Oh, come on. Are you hurt?

It's not too bad. I landed on gunpowder.

I'll do the intro.

Scooter lights.

Oh, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark.

Curtains. Oh, that's me.

Sally was a good old

girl. Sally was a good old girl.

Sally was a good old girl.

Sally was a good old girl.

Sally was a good old girl.

No matter what the request, she gave it her best. Sally was a good old girl.

She

was

the favorite with all the men.

Sally was a good old girl.

And all the ladies despised her then, but Sally was a good old girl.

All the ladies talked about her, but... Sally didn't care. She just kept on

working and doing her share. She wound up married to a millionaire.

Sally was a good old girl.

Big grubble, please, please.

Okay, okay, okay.

Thank you.

Listen, I'm really sorry about, you know, the stagehands and the hole in the

floor there.

The hole, yeah. And the fire and the rest of it. Fire?

We had a fire here?

No.

Huh? I mean, well, at least, yes.

Oh, it's a cute little small one.

Bossy! Oh, please, Kermit, you wouldn't hit a bear in front of a Death Star,

would you? Oh, what does that have to do with anything?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark.

Roy Clark.

Roy Clark.

Yes. Yes.

Roy,

you are one hot fiddle player. What is your secret?

Just a hot fiddle.

with Seven on The Muppet Show, guest star Gene Stapleton does a duet with

Harry in a number that has an explosive ending.

Coming up next on Happy Days, life changes for the Cunninghams when Fonzie

into the apartment upstairs.

I thought for once the show really caught fire.

I thought it burned itself out, same as always.