Original subtitles

Cleo Lane?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Lane. I'm ready.

Oh, I hope the Muppets like me. Like? Love!

Love, Cleo Lane!

Love!

Hey!

Hate me a little, will you?

Love!

Love!

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest, our Miss Cleo...

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

It's time to get things started.

one of the truly great stars.

Thank you, thank you. You are too kind.

I am not kind and you are not the star.

Can I talk to you for a second? My mother is in the audience.

Hi, Ma!

Watch me tonight.

In addition to our very funny bear, tonight's guest

is one of the truly great singers, Miss Cleo.

Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight and I wasn't

even in the opening number?

I don't care.

You don't care? Well, why not?

Because I'm all scrunched up.

You are scrunched up.

Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother... Fonzie, would you unscrunch

My mother came here tonight, Kermit. Check. And so did Cleo Lane. I gotta go

introduce her.

But, Kermit, when is the bear on?

That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady

with a truly remarkable voice. Kermit, Kermit, quick, look up there.

What?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Lane.

You know, it gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and the

Electric Mayhem Orchestra.

Hey, thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records and put them in

my teeth.

It's called putting your money where your mouth is.

And here we have the man on bass guitar, the hippest of the hip, Floyd.

And then we have the weirdest man of the weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot.

Yeah, it was written a zebra and a geranium should never use the same

toothbrush.

Fortunately, good, Zoot.

And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janet.

Oh, wow.

I'm really honored to be here, really.

For sure.

I'd rather not introduce him. Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo.

Must be time for me to go on, right?

Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in Space.

What? Mm -hmm. Kermit, please let me at least be in Pigs in Space.

Uh, you can't.

Well, why can't I be in Pigs in Space?

Because you're not a pig.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs in Space.

Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in Space costume?

featuring the Neanderthalic Captain Link Hogthrob, the overdeveloped first mate

Miss Piglet, and the tridecophobic Dr.

Julius Strangepork.

As we left our heroes last week, Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swine

Trek's biannual inspection.

Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.

This ship is a disgrace.

Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.

We thought it was kind of homey, Link.

Doctor, you're out of line.

I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to, uh, from stem to, uh, uh,

to the back part.

That's stern, Captain.

You bet that's stern.

I'm sick of sloppiness.

First mate, Biggie. Yes, sir.

Did you shave this morning?

No, mon capitaine, I did not.

Well, see that it never happens again.

Mark, we're only acting, don't worry.

What? Nothing, just, you know.

Okay, well, that goes for the rest of you men, too.

Dismissed. Dismissed. Except for your first mate, Biggie. Except for me. Yes,

sir. Oh, mon capitaine.

I, First Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to Mon Capitaine, sir.

Ah, you would? Yes, sir.

Well, uh, let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.

I try.

Uh, First Mate Piggy. Yes, sir.

Stand next to me. Yes, sir.

Look deep into my eyes. Yes, sir.

Give us a little kiss, Porkchop.

Yes. Holy ha -ha! No, sir!

For another confusing episode of Pigs in Space.

Okay, where is Fozzie? How dare he steal my costume?

I'll chop him into bear burgers.

Uh -oh.

Hiya, hiya, hiya. Hi, Ma.

It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks.

Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes.

Sing a few songs.

Bobby, will you get off the stage?

That too, yes.

Let's see now, where was I?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom that we have a guest puppeteer on the

show. In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the

show.

So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man, Mr.

Schwartz.

That puppet looks so alive.

Well, that's more than I can say for you.

Here we go now.

In tropical swamps there are certain times of day when all the citizens

to take their clothes off and perspire.

It's one of those rules that the greatest fools obey.

Because the sun is far too sultry, and one must avoid the sultry violet rain.

The natives grieve when the white men leave their hut.

Because they're obviously definitely not.

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out and admit they're done. The Japanese don't care

too. The Chinese wouldn't dare too.

Hindus and Argentines, they firmly fall to one.

But Englishmen detest a siesta.

In the Philippines, there are lovely streets to protect you from the glare.

In the United States, perhaps I'd taste which the Britishers won't wear.

At 12 noon, the natives swoon and know for the work is done.

But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

Oh, very good.

It's such a surprise for eastern eyes to see.

What? That though the English are extinct, they're quite impervious to

When the white man rides, every native hides in glee. Why is that?

Because a simple creature's hope he will impair his soul or to be on a tree.

It's a bunch of shame in the English clean, yeah?

That they give rise to such hilarity and... Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in

the midday sun.

The smallest melee rabbit deplores his awful habit.

In Hong Kong, they strike a gong and fire up a new day gun.

To reprimand his inmate, who's in late. Serves him right.

In the mangrove swamps with the tithon rafts, there's peace from twelve to two.

And caribous lie around and snooze, there's nothing else to do.

In Bengal, they move at all, he sells me for every time.

But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday, out in the midday, out in

midday, out in the midday, out in the midday, out in the midday, out in the

midday, son.

Okay, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?

Uh, no.

But, Kermit, my mother is in the audience. When do I go on?

When do you go on? You've already been in all the introductions, Pigs in Space,

and everything else.

What do you want, star billing?

That would be nice.

You look like a very understanding person, and maybe you could solve my

for me, you see. I hear singing and there's no one there.

I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.

All day long I seem to walk on air.

I wonder why.

I wonder why.

Can you tell me why? Because of your behavior.

let's get this together shall we

What's that?

Cooking is the second worst thing he does.

And now, ladies and gentlemen... Come here, please, Nami, please.

Yes, now.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, due to an overwhelming demand from him, if not

the rest of us, here is our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, thank you, thank you, thank you, and thanks. Yo!

Yes, tonight.

because there is a certain someone special in the audience, I will do a

act.

Framology.

Fram what?

And for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer.

Fuzzy, what are you going to do? Trust me, it's for my mother.

Okay. Okay, gang.

Framology. The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his

head.

Okay, now, here we go.

Well,

I can tell you're a very flexible person.

Yes, okay. Okay, here we go. I can see in your future, tomorrow, yes,

tomorrow, you will have a stiff neck.

You're going to get another job tomorrow, too, I tell you that.

Do it for Mom.

Okay, here we go.

Bob, you got some nice Bob's frog.

Bump. Bump. Wonderful.

Except your, your, uh, your bumps for intelligence are very small.

What? Yeah. That's okay. It's okay. I can fix that.

You're gonna what? You're gonna what?

What?

Hi.

Uh, Uncle Kermit's kind of busy right now, so I don't think he'd mind if I

you that here now... accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is

the lovely Miss Cleo Lange.

If a

picture paints a thousand words, then how

can I paint you the words?

would never show the you I've come to

know if a faith could launch

a thousand ships then where am I to

go there's no one

And when my love

for life is running dry,

you come and pour

yourself on me.

Tomorrow and the day beside

you.

Then...

Before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, ladies

gentlemen, Miss Cleo Lane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Fozzie. Did your mom enjoy the show?

Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her. Oh, listen, Fozzie, why

don't you ask her? Okay.

Hey, Mom, how'd you like the show?

Well, shall we call it a night right as well certainly wouldn't call it a show