Original subtitles

J .P. Morgan?

J .P. Morgan?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.

Oh, Scooter, I have a little present for you. Oh, gee, thanks.

Hey, this is a... This is not going to be just another cute puppet show.

This is a puppet show with our very special guest star, Miss J .P. Morgan.

a joke tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Let's get this turkey on the road.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational, this is what we call

one of those things entitled The Muppet Show. And starting off, we are going to

do the very first piece of material the Muppets ever did.

No kidding, it was a little song entitled Tweedledee Dee, and we first

about 23 years ago.

But tonight, we have a new and very cute version of it done by our very special

guest star, ladies and gentlemen, J .P. Moore!

I'm as happy as can be.

Jiminy Cricket, Jiminy Jack, you make my heart go clickety -clack.

Tweedly, Tweedly, Tweedly Dee.

Tweedly, Tweedly Dee, what am I doing here?

I mean, this is really corny. I flew 8 ,000 miles to be here. The plane was

late. I haven't slept.

and I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs.

Then they put me in this bird brain costume.

Want me to be cute. The feathers smell like a skunk.

Then I gotta sing.

Sweet lady, sweet lady.

Give it back, give it back, give your love to me.

Sweet...

I'm getting sick, too.

In fact, you're one cute chamber, J .P.

Oh, terrific. Now they're making bad jokes on my name.

I thought it was funny.

This is the worst.

I mean, what are you going to ask me to do next?

Modulate, J .P. Modulate!

Woo -hoo!

You're as sweet as bubblegum. Going into a coma.

Mercy, mercy.

that money can't buy.

Tweedly, Tweedly, Tweedly Dum.

Dum is right.

Tweed...

was for the birds.

You had to do that joke, huh?

One of us had to, and I lost the toss.

Okay, way to go, bird.

Back to your dressing, yes.

Oh, J .P., hey, that was a terrific number.

It was?

Oh, it really was.

I just can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on the show.

Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so.

I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

Indifferent? Yeah, well, you know what I mean. But what's wrong? That last

number was terrific. It was really cute.

Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? Oh, it was. It was just so cute.

I hate cute.

We're in trouble.

Listen, J .P., we're not all cute around here.

Oh, J .P.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Sausage.

Sausage. Sausage. Sausage.

Sausage.

Now, wait just a minute. That's the second time tonight they've used a bomb

choke.

Three is a charm.

Hey, bang up job, chef.

Did Ted come in? I am. How's JP?

Oh, she's fine. She was a little upset because the opening number was cute, but

she's okay now. Good. I just sent up a cake to her dressing room.

Wait.

to take it with you on the table? Uh, yeah, why?

Oh, crazy Harry Beckett.

Hey, Kermit, can we

get back to the cute part?

Uh, JP, I'll be right up. Uh, Fonzie, go introduce the next... Yes, yes, yes,

yes.

Hey, Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he's the only one who does.

Hey, hey, come on, guys. No heckling. I mean, I'm not even out here to tell

jokes. Have you ever been?

Hey, you know that that bear is funny.

You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week. Oh, well,

I didn't do an act last week.

I rest my case. No!

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great with a trumpet solo, Flight of the

Bumblebee. That does it. I'm leaving.

You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.

I don't.

The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy -washy.

Well, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.

Oh, that's a low -down rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take criticism?

The trouble with you is you can't... defeated i am not although i have every

reason to be the trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose into

everybody's business and what choice have i got you

know the trouble with you is you're so stubborn you refuse to change

Just terrible.

No, I mean, so far on this show, I've been attacked by animal and two

have gone off next to me. I'm starting to feel like a moving target around

Well, let me explain about those explosions. You see, on this show,

are one of our trademarks.

I can believe that.

In fact, on this show, things blow up all the time. I mean, anything can blow

up.

You see what I mean?

Wow.

How'd you do that?

it was really quite simple.

In fact, it's rather fun.

I guess you could say you got a bang out of it, huh?

Well, you could say that, but we did that joke last year. Check.

Oh, what else could we talk about?

How about your hat? Oh, great idea.

You know, explosions are one of your trademarks. Well, spectacular hats are

of mine.

Oh, that one is fantastic.

I particularly wanted to wear this one on the Muppet show, too.

Well, where is that?

I guess you could say I blew my top.

Yeah, well, you could say that, but we did that joke last year.

Thank you.

Well, JP, I think this talk spot is about over. Shall we leave? Why not?

After you.

We'll never see them again.

Well, we can always hope.

And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob, the recalcitrant first mate

Piggy,

And the describable Dr.

Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship's wind track, it was in

danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.

Oh, Dr.

Strangepork, why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?

We've lost the number three engine.

Well, how long will it take to fix it? We can't. It's really lost. It fell off.

Is there anything we can do?

Yes, we can maintain... our present altitude if we lighten the weight of the

rocket ship.

How much weight will we have to toss overboard?

One pig.

Yeah, that should do it.

Rather drastic, isn't it?

Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Link. You're the captain.

Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.

Well, I would volunteer myself except that I'm the only one who knows how all

this technical stuff works.

That's very true. Well, if it isn't you or me.

Well,

I just finished doing the laundry.

Oh, well, thank you, First Mate Piggy. But I'm telling you right now, that is

the last laundry this pig is doing.

You can say that again.

Uh, uh, Miss Piggy, I have a new assignment for you.

Oh, yes, my cup of ten.

Uh, Dr. Strangeport, do you mind?

Oh, of course. I'll see you later, Link.

Bon voyage, Miss Piggy.

Weird exit line.

Uh, uh, First Mate Piggy, I need your help.

Yes, a real assignment, yes, yes.

We are losing altitude.

must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.

Oh, and you want me to help you decide what?

No. Oh? We've already decided what.

What?

Are you out

of your mind?

No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy. No hard feelings?

carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the

musical instruments.

Oh, well, Uncle JP, sir,

I think you'll find that things around your theater here are just the same as

they were last time you came.

That bad, huh?

Well, I'll just have a look around.

I believe in giving the frog a fair...

Hey, Kermit, I think you should know that my uncle J .P. Gross, the man who

this theater, is making another inspection.

Oh, not J .P. I don't think I can take it. Of all the people I can't stand to

have around here when we're doing a show, J .P. is the worst.

I mean, J .P. is without a doubt the most difficult, impossible,

Oh,

hi, J .P.

Oh, J .P.

When I said J .P. just now, I didn't mean J .P., J .P. I meant J .P., J .P.,

know what I mean? No.

Right. Wrong.

You see, I love having you on the show, but J .P. Gross, the man who owns this

theater, is the meanest, stingiest, most heartless person I know.

I hope you mean that as a compliment, Frog.

I think I just put both feet in my mouth.

and gentlemen, today I talk to you of crime.

A matter of utmost urgency.

We must all be forever on our guard against this rising wave of banditry.

Yes, yes, banditry and stolen documents.

Or our entire universe is in danger of being stolen from under us.

My friends, my friends, I caution you to keep out an eagle eye for

the blackguards and rapscallions who are perpetrating this reign of latrociny.

Latrociny, that means stealing.

What if it weren't for my own eternal vigilance? And, and, and, and...

absolute awareness of crime.

I am certain that the rising legions of sneak thieves and ne 'er -do -wells and

snakes in the grasses would strip this theater fair.

Now, remember, make watchfulness

your watchword.

Thank you, and good night.

Wait a minute!

I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.

Oh? What's that?

A television you can turn off.

Hey,

you guys better return that eagle!

In about 30 days! Or more.

Chief? What's the closing number?

Oh, it's a song with J .P. Morgan. I think it's gonna be great. At least I

so, because we've been a little rough on her.

It's a perfect song for J .P., that old black magic. I only hope J .P. will do

it. Ah, if the price is right, I'll do it.

Always wanted to sing.

Oh, boy, having two J .P.'s around is really rough.

Glad you recognize talent, kid.

Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.

Now, let's talk about the singing contract.

Well, you see, J .P., I'd really love for you to sing, and I'm sure you've got

swell singing voice. Yeah, well.

Hey, Scooter, go introduce J .P. Morgan while I handle this. Yeah, good luck,

Silver Tongue.

No,

um... All right, we're not done.

Well, uh... Oh, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen... Here's one of the really super ladies of song, Miss J

.P. Morgan with that old black magic.

Old black

magic has been felt.

Black magic that you weave so well.

I see fingers up and down my spine.

Down and down I go. Down and down I go. Like a leaf caught in the tide.

I should stay away. What can I do?

I hear your name and I'm aflame.

Aflame. With burning desire.

Put on your kiss.

What? The mate that fate has me created for. And every time your lips meet

mine. Baby!

Round and round I go. Round and round I go. In a spin.

Loving a spin I'm in.

Under that old black magic called love.

Uh -huh, in a spin.

Loving a spin I'm in.

Under that old black magic called love.

like magic cola.

A flame with such burning desire.

Not only your kiss.

Put out the fire!

Well, you're the lover I have waited for.

You're the

Under that old black magic called love. Under

that old black magic called love.

Under that old black magic.

special guest, our ladies and gentlemen, J .P. Morgan!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know, I've been

blown up, beaten up, insulted.

Everything's happened to me, but I've had a great time. I mean it. Oh, well,

tends to be like that around here.

And now for my first song.

Now, I'd like to dedicate this to all the boys down at... J .P. Gross

Agency. Now, damn it, I'm running. Can't get enough.

Just keep running.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

Tomorrow at 7 on The Muppet Show, a Muppet transporter pops assorted

as well as guest star Peter Sellers in and out of the show.

Coming up next on Happy Days.

Richie's attracted to an older woman.

I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us.

Besides me.