Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars Peter Sellers. It is I, Boris, with his

sobbing violin.

Do you have any requests?

Yes, but you're going to play anyway.

A very funny story about this episode is Peter basically said that he wanted to

do anything in the show except for one piece.

There was a piece called The Wall where Kermit would interview the guest star

for 30 seconds just about themselves.

I thought we'd just sit here and chew the fat for a while. Oh, Kermit. And

said, I can't do that. I can't be myself.

Ask me to do anything, but don't ask me to be myself.

I'll be Queen Victoria, but I don't know how to be me.

Naturally, the Muppet Show writers did a wonderful piece where they had him play

Queen Victoria.

Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.

Here it is, The Muppet Show with Peter Sellers.

Peter Sellers?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sellers.

Gonzo!

Fifteen seconds?

I should live so long.

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr.

Peter Sellers!

Get things started on the most sensational, inspirational celebration.

asked him to play a demented gypsy violinist.

Listen, I run the show and I don't understand it.

Anyhow, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!

It is I, Boris, with his sobbing violin.

Do you have any requests?

A gypsy's blood is churning.

A gypsy's brain is learning.

A gypsy's roast is burning.

Even though you're playing, maybe you're rotten.

Who said that?

Something's rotten, what's said here? Nothing, nothing, boss. You're saying

rotten things here.

Oh, a gypsy's heart is aching, and a gypsy's heart is tired, as he dances

to the beating's tambourine.

any more talk like that and I will play.

I

love

good gypsy music.

So? So I wish they'd play some.

nice, quiet Gregorian chant.

Oh, what a day this has been. If this keeps up, I'm going to wind up talking

myself.

My, my, my, another scientific breakthrough from Muppet Labs.

Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean by sneaking up on me like that?

What's going on around here? I've been shouted at, run down by a... a

motorcycle, and now I think I'm going to... Hey, Kermit, you're talking to

yourself.

Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up.

When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest.

That's a whippoorwill.

When the little brook is murmuring a tune.

When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood and a lonely

wolf is howling at the moon.

When the leaves of the old oak tree start a rustling

and a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears.

When the whole world is filled with Mother Nature's noises.

That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears.

Yeah, you never know when something funny is going to happen on this show.

Did something funny happen?

Yeah. You'd never know it.

Well, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.

receive him.

Peter, what is this?

It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a grand impersonation

of Her Late Majesty Queen Victoria whilst on vacation at Bognor Regis in

year 1888.

But what went wrong?

I couldn't remember what she looked like.

You know, I just love all your wild characters, Peter.

But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.

But that, you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible.

I could never be myself.

Never yourself?

No. You see, there is no me. I do not exist.

I beg your pardon.

Yes? There used to be a me.

But I had it surgically removed.

Can we change the subject?

Oh, certainly, certainly.

As a matter of fact, you might just be interested in a new act that I have

recently perfected.

What is it? Well, it's original, it's original.

I recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's...

Richard III, whilst and at the same time playing tuned chickens.

You recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard III whilst and at

time playing tuned chickens? You have it, my dear Kermit, you have it.

Tuned chickens once more into the bridge.

is the winter of our discontent.

May it be a glorious summer by the sun of York and

all the clouds that lard upon our house in the deep wood of...

Yes, that is really wonderful.

But you can't do that on our show. Why not?

Well, because Gonzo just did it last month.

I have died here.

It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here. Oh, but you're

absolutely right, my dear Gonzo.

They have no taste at all.

Where did he go?

You know, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why, but if

people or objects just suddenly appear or disappear, just try to ignore them.

I cancel that last remark.

I have a pressing appointment.

Thank goodness he got away in time.

Unlike some people around here.

My foot is stuck.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, who choose gum around here?

The great Gonzo also sings, and here he is to sing an old favorite down memory

lane.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Gonzo.

I am strolling down memory lane.

Down, man.

Some folks remember their mothers and others their girlfriends

behind.

But I am strolling down memory lane without...

One.

Seventy -two.

Seventy -three.

Somebody call for some medicine?

Oh, yes, Doc.

Good.

Well, I'm just here to try to...

Loosen up your another little body, you know.

Good, Doc.

I shall start here.

How does that feel? Oh, nice. You like that?

Oh, yeah.

Now, the next thing I must do, Link, is to test out the elasticity of the

tendons in the leg areas.

It's quite easy.

By the use of this simple little thing.

I'm sure that it missed you. I tried a good shot, you know.

Tell me, Link, if you can feel that the blood is flowing in there.

How is that?

And again, he's on this one here.

How is that?

Oh, Dr.

Medvednik, he is pleased, you know. That's a very unusual feeling.

No. I'm going to try both of them.

Oh, it's dead.

You can feel that?

Oh, yeah. Is it doing you good, Linky?

Hey, I got it.

Oh,

Linky, let me see if that has done what I...

Yes.

Yes, yes.

I think it's necessary, Link. I am prepared for a little bit of

here. I'm just going to easily bring this leg around to the front.

You did not feel that, Link. Oh, no.

The muscles are in such good condition. I can tell a good muscle when I feel

one, Link.

And this one will have to come the other side.

That is leaving your arms free at the moment you know this.

But it's necessary when in this position for the vertebrae and the outer

deltoids, you understand, to bring this arm here and the other arm there.

I'm putting this here like this.

Hey, Link, you've got my arm in here.

Let go of me, Link.

Let go of my arm, Link.

Well, uh... Thank you, Link.

I can see you like to keep it when you've got it, huh?

Wait while I put this here.

Is that my foot?

Oh, Linky, how do you feel?

Oh, yes, well, very different, Doc.

Is it circulating nicely around your body?

Good, I can see that you're in real good condition, Ali.

At the same time, it's sweet to me.

What?

No.

Go check the next act, please. Yes, sir. Hey, Kermit, take it easy. Come on now.

Oh, Kermit, that's the best massage I've ever had.

That Peter O'Toole is good.

Peter O'Toole? What is

this? I think I'm going crazy today.

Kermit! Oh, Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no.

The next act.

Canceled. What?

But that was a terrific act. That was Prunella and her prancing poultry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kermit, see, about that poultry, yesterday, duck hunting season began.

I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how to tell you this, but frankly, the next

act can't make it.

They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid.

Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.

Oh, boy.

You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here, and

tonight I'm just barely making it. I don't know.

Sometimes it's very difficult.

Being green.

Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.

When I think it could be nicer being red or yellow or gold

or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.

It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.

And people tend to pass you over because you're not standing out like flashy

sparkles in the water or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of spring.

important like a river or tall like a tree

when

green is all there is to be it could make

you wonder why but why wonder

why I wonder.

I'm green and it'll do fine.

It's beautiful and I think it's what I want to be.

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

Well, I am just bubbly with excitement.

We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter, and it works

perfectly.

You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people from one

place to another.

So that's what's been happening around here. You have been zapping people in

out of my theater.

Please, Mr. Kermit, I'm in the very midst of an important demonstration.

Oh, yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

You cannot go zapping people around.

As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly.

A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker, hurtling through space to the

deepest jungles of Africa.

And now we will bring him back.

There. Back to Africa they go. And now, just Beaker will return.

That's all today from Muppet Lad.

I am going to make this introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen. Now is the winter of our discontent.

You're supposed to be in your costume for the next number. Oh, I beg your

pardon. Oh, wait. By the way, the show is running a bit long, so try to be

short. Short, yes. How about this?

He takes things so literally.

Ladies and gentlemen, I take pride in presenting the incredible Peter Sellers.

Hey, preachman, dear friends, you're about to... receive on John Barleycorn,

nicotine, and the temptations of ease. Oh, yay!

Oh, it's so good, let's hear it! You will, brother, you will.

The melody's quick.

How I was happy and I had a good life.

I had enough money to last me for life.

She taught me to smoke and to drink.

in his face.

That's my definition, believe.

Take warning, dear stranger, take warning, dear friend.

Well, what did you think?

Yeah, I know what you...