Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars the legendary Bob Hope. Bob Hope and The

Muppets worked quite a lot together over the years. The Muppets were guests on

several of his specials, and Bob did cameos in The Muppet Movie and the

Miss Piggy's Hollywood.

In this episode, Bob was always on his way in or out of the theater, going from

one benefit engagement to another.

I'm already late for my next benefit, the Japanese pole vaulter's retirement

fund.

His schedule in real life was so tight that he only had time for one production

number and a few talk spots.

The show ends with that production number, Don't Fence Me In, between Bob

his Muppet horse.

It's a very funny effect where the puppeteers who were working the feet and

head were dressed in blue and then matted out of the scene so that you

them. It's a great sequence.

Here it is, and Bob Hope, in The Muppet Show.

Bob Hope.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Hope.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

You know, Bob, I think you're an incredibly talented human being. I mean,

a comic genius.

Oh, thank you, Gonzo. I love doing this show.

Yeah, if your nose weren't so small, you'd probably be a big star like me.

I hate doing this show.

show with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope.

to get things started.

Why us?

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational...

Because do you know who our guest star is?

Our guest star is Bob Hope.

Adam,

will you stop bugging me? Go do something to calm down. Go find a hobby

something.

What? The pigs steal drums.

I believe it. They take anything that's not nailed down.

Hey, pig. Yeah.

Hoi, hoi. Whatever.

Yes, yes.

Oh, come it, come it. Listen. I just stopped by Bob Hope's dressing room, and

you know what?

He is not there.

Yeah, I know. He's across town doing another show.

He hasn't even done this show.

Well, he promised he'd be back. He's doing a benefit.

He's doing a disappearing act.

Look, Fuzzy, Bob Hope is the busiest man in show business.

He's a humanitarian. He does benefits all the time. He'll be back.

Introduce a man whose reputation is so great that I don't know how to make a

suitable introduction.

A long one would be suitable.

What?

He's not here yet.

Well, yes, ladies and gentlemen, there's really no need to go into Bob Hope's

past triumphs in film, radio, and television.

But we may have to.

Come in.

Fozzie, is he here yet?

No, I'm just going out to lunch.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, Bob Hope.

Uh, no.

Sorry, you have to settle for pastrami on rye.

Oh, oh, he's here.

He's here.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope.

Thank you, Kermit.

It's been a ball doing the show.

Maybe we can do it again sometime, huh? Good night.

I'm sorry, Kermit, but I'm on a very tight schedule.

Yeah, but you didn't even say, Hi, this is Bob, happy to be on the Muppet Show

of Hope. I know, but I... Not even one, but I want to tell you.

I'm sorry.

Or even, seriously, folks.

Wait a minute, you just did my whole act.

Yeah, but with no jokes.

That's my act.

Look, Kermit, I have to do a testimonial, but I'll be back.

It'll be too late. No, it won't. I'm taking the Concord.

How long can that take?

If we land.

Well, Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already canceled one benefit to be here.

did? Yes, it was for the Flying Zucchini Brothers. You ever hear of them?

Yeah, I have. Well, tell them I'm sorry if you ever see them again.

I don't plan to. They were terrible.

Excuse me, Mr. Holt. Hey, Kermit, did you book that human cannonball act, the

Flying Zucchini Brothers?

Of course not. Well, they're here.

is gone. I'm not surprised. It's what I've always said about this show.

There's no hope.

Would you repeat that?

Of course not. I'm sorry I said it in the first place.

I should hope so.

There's something happening here.

What it is ain't exactly clear.

There's a man with a gun over there telling me

I've got to beware.

It's time we stop. Children, what's that sound?

Everybody look what's going down. Stop.

Children, what's that sound?

Everybody look what's going round.

The

strangers

come into our woods.

We don't understand them.

If only we could.

But what's the reason that they can't give?

For not wanting you and me to live.

It's time we stop, children. What's that sound? Everybody look what's going

round. Stop, children.

What's that sound? Everybody look what's going round.

Before today, can we all live our own way?

We better stop children. What's that sound?

Everybody look what's going round.

Stop children.

What's that?

Huh?

fishing season.

Okay, moving right along now. Excuse

me, Kermit. That human cannonball act just called. They're going to send Bob

Hope back.

When's he going to get here?

Soon. They're sending him by cannon.

Eat your heart out, Concord.

How did you like the trip?

Oh, I love traveling by cannonball.

After all, I'm a high -caliber performer.

Yeah, well, you really made a hit on our stage.

I know, but I think the carpenters can fix it.

Well, don't worry about it. Listen, it's great to have you back with us. Now we

can sit back and listen to one of those wonderful Bob Hope monologues. Are you

kidding? I'm already late for my next benefit, the Japanese... pole vaulters

retirement fund.

Japanese pole vaulters retirement fund? Then you're going away again?

No, I invited them here.

Hey, it's a pleasure to be with all of you pole vaulters here tonight.

These guys must go over more bars than Dean Martin's elbow.

He's going to start.

This gong is where the duck pisses.

And this worm is where we hang a do.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack,

quack. Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack,

quack.

Quack, quack, quack.

season.

Rolf, the shoe's running long.

Make it as short as you can.

Singing orally.

which I gave.

at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

And here is my assistant, Beaker, to demonstrate the Muppets' all -new

waste basket.

Yes, audience, this should end your trash disposal problems forever.

Whatever the refuse, this little doozy can handle it. Show them, Beaker, my

Let's see another example, Beaker.

Just imagine never having to... empty a wastebasket again. Order your

wastebasket today. It comes in both regular or housebroken models.

Do try to keep him quietly.

Just send us $22 .95 and we'll send you a Muppet wastebasket.

Or send us $32 .95 and we won't.

It's the most consistent show I've seen. Yes, they get worse every single week.

Just finished the last of my benefit performances, and the rest of the day is

all yours.

Oh, well, gee, we don't have time for your monologue now.

What? Well, why not?

Well, Gonzo the Great is on next. He's going to do his impersonations of bread.

I've seen Gonzo's impersonations of bread. He's backstage now, loafing

That's very good, but seriously, I can't disappoint him. He's been practicing

his pumpernickel for weeks.

But he left crumbs all over the backstage.

Yeah, I met some of them.

Sorry about that. But listen, Bob, if you want, you could do the cowboy sketch

at the end of the show.

The cowboy sketch?

Is it good?

Is it good? Oh, the cowboy sketch is terrific. I was going to do it myself,

it's yours.

Oh, that's great.

Boy, the cowboy sketch sounds better than the monologue anyway.

Kermit, Kermit, cancel my bread impersonations act.

Why? What happened?

I didn't deliver my poppy seeds.

You wouldn't want me to work out. But they're naked, would you?

Why not? You've got the crest for it.

Well, listen, Kermit, just because my bread impersonations are cancel, don't

think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, okay?

You know how it feels to be conned by a frog?

wrestling is he oh no man he gave that up said it was too easy yeah he's taking

up bowling now oh well that's much better much better and much safer

Growing up down on the lily pad, I never thought I'd be standing on a stage

introducing Bob Hope.

But by the same token, I bet he never thought he'd be introduced by a frog.

But here he is now in the famous cowboy sketch.

I'll get you for this, frog.

Just get on the horse, Bob. It'll be great.

Here he is in that very famous cowboy sketch. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob

Hope.

Well, here I am out in the wide open spaces at last, alone with the sagebrush

the silence.

Hey, Hope, what do you say we stop for a beer?

My luck, I'm stuck with a talking horse.

What's the matter? You don't like the little conversation?

Not with some two -bit horse.

I'm not a two -bit horse.

Oh, yeah? You bit me twice.

Well,

you deserved it. Your spurs are as cold as ice.

won't you lose some weight?

Now I know why they call them nags.

Are you ready to do the song?

Oh, sure. Why not?

Yeah, but wait a minute. We're in the middle of the desert. Where's the music

coming from?

Oh, there's a tape deck in the saddle.

What's that? A stereophonic horse.

Oh, give me land, lots of land.

Under starry skies above.

Don't fence me in.

Let me ride through the wide open face of the low.

Don't fence me in.

Let me be by myself in the evening breeze.

Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees.

Send me off forever, but I ask you please.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Say, Hope, what are you doing out here? You're not a real cowboy. Are you

kidding? I got a big spread in Texas.

Yeah, got one south of the border, too.

Oh, a fat joke, huh?

Yeah, I suppose now you'll get even with a swayback joke.

Well, that last joke goes swayback.

Oh, I can't take this much longer. When's this song end?

We got eight bars to go.

Well, I hope one of them has a lunch counter.

A buddy horse.

I bet on him all the time.

I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences.

Gaze at the moon till I lose.

Well, we could go on forever, but I think we'll give you a break and bring

episode of The Muppet Show to a close.

But before we do, let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

Hey, thanks very much. Thank you, Kermit. Thank you.

Taxi! Taxi!

What was that?

That animal's got a new hobby. He's taking up hunting.

Hunting?

This is just a hangover.

doesn't hope usually saying thanks for the memories.

Why would he want to remember this?