Original subtitles

Judy Collins?

Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.

I'm ready.

I'm ready for anything.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Do we have to watch this?

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, marketational. This is why.

for you tonight because we have with us one of the most beautiful and talented

singers in the entire world. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. It's about

time you said something nice about me. I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.

Oh, him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

Oh, hello there.

Hi. There's a little brown leather -winged bat. I'll tell you the reason

the reason that I fly in the night. It's because I've lost my heart's delight.

Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day.

Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day.

Howdy -dowdy -diddle all day.

Howdy -dowdy -diddle.

I have to go and sing now with Woodpecker. Find out what howdy -dowdy

means. I will.

There's a woodpecker sitting on the fence. Once I caught it a handsome

She got saucy and from me fled.

Ever since then my head's been red.

Howdy dowdy diddle all day.

Howdy dowdy diddle all day.

Howdy dowdy diddle all day.

How dowdy diddy diddy do.

What does how dowdy diddy diddy do mean?

Thank you.

Forget the 200 and let them go straight to jail. Right.

Hello, boy. Look who's here.

Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.

J .P. Gross.

Yeah, I own the theater and the ground it stands on and the mineral rights

underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, Frog.

Uh, yeah.

Make a note. See if we own the Frog. If not, take an option.

Uh, well, J .P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour?

Yeah, well, you could call it that. Uh -huh. Well, attendance is up right now.

Revenue is up. Just about everything is up, sir.

Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.

What? Yeah, I'm tearing it down, putting in a junkyard.

But why?

Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here. Go and get

this well dry.

Don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lean on his legs.

I think my stock just dropped.

first mate, Miss Piggy, and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork.

Last week, the spaceship Swine Trek was rapidly approaching the electrifying mid

-course correction maneuver.

Stand by for mid -course correction.

Oh, isn't this electrifying?

Dr. Strangepork, ready to kelp me down.

Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right if I performed the mid -course

correction? Oh.

for 11 years.

Still, you are a woman.

Yes, Captain, just as you are a man.

Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.

Oh, Captain, may I please perform the maneuver?

Well, I suppose so.

Oh, thank you, Herr Capitan.

25 seconds to mid -course correction.

Oh, First Mate Piggy, don't forget which button to push.

I know which button to push. I studied it for 11 years.

15 seconds.

It's this button right here. I know it's that button.

10 seconds.

Just push it when he tells you. I know, I know.

5 seconds. Don't push my piggy. Will you shut up? Don't tell me to shut up. I'm

your captain.

Now, push the button. Push the button.

Push the button.

If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.

I just want it known that following that last piece of material, I

am disassociating myself from this whole weird sick show.

At this time, we have a very special... Look, I'm trying to make an

introduction. Oh, go right ahead. I'm just checking the floor.

Ladies and gentlemen... Make a note. Some of these boards are rotten.

That's too bad.

You know, if you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't

happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

I don't know why she swallowed that fly.

I guess I'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and tickled and

jiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but I don't know why she swallowed

the fly.

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider that wriggled and tickled and

inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

She swallowed this.

She swallowed the spoon.

She swallowed the spider to catch the...

Someone so rich could be so good -looking.

Yeah, listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.

Hello. My name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of the Muppet Show.

Well, sue them.

I wonder, would you like to hear me sing?

Yeah.

but he was gonna get hurt around here.

unfortunate creature, the Cusbanian fube.

Thank you, thank you. I'm pleased to be here. As a matter of fact, I'm pleased

to be anywhere.

I can believe that because, you see, folks, the fube is known as the most

delicious creature on Cusbane.

That's true. We have a saying on this world. I never met a fube I didn't like,

especially with mushroom gravy.

I suppose this tends to hold down the fube population pretty effectively.

Not really.

Actually, my species is flourishing.

Really? Well, how do you manage that? Evolution.

I don't think I understand.

We foods tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.

Well, what do you evolve into?

Oh, you know, whatever's handy.

I beg your pardon?

We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.

Say, are you changing?

Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term. Yeah, but you're starting to look

familiar. I should certainly hope so.

This is very weird.

Even your clothes are the same.

It's called the survival of the trench -coated.

But you can't do this.

This is Kermit the Frog returning you to... I'm Kermit the Frog! I am! I am!

These are Kermit the Frog returning you to the Muppet Show.

You can't do that!

I'm the real Kermit, folks.

Wonderful!

Stadler, there aren't too many people on this show I'd like to talk to.

Well, I can understand that.

They're kind of weird.

Weird is too nice a word.

But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen.

By the way, where is your friend?

Oh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.

Stepped out is right.

Hey, give me a hand.

Well, I'm sure he didn't go far.

He's probably hanging around somewhere.

Hanging around is right.

Mr.

Stafford, what I find hard to understand is why you come here every night.

Well, it gets me out of the house.

But there are many better places to go than this freak show.

There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.

Never go to the opera. I can't stand all that screaming and yelling.

Don't understand opera?

Oh, I understand it all right. I just hate it.

I'd rather go to a public hanging.

You are at a public hanging.

Pull me up! Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?

I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.

I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

Maybe I will. I will drop by later.

I'm going to drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.

But, but...

Wherever he is, it's good to know that at least we have you two gentlemen here

to provide dignity and decency.

Hey,

thank you, Judy. You know, I really want to thank you for wanting to play this

number with me. I'm just honored.

Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Ralph.

Thank you.

What is that you're playing right now?

Oh, these are just finger exercises.

I play them to warm up before I play.

Really?

What do you do to warm up?

Oh, I chase cars.

Oh, dear.

I'd much rather play finger exercises.

When I was a kid, you know, I used to play these and put a book up in front of

me and read while I practiced.

Wow. I guess that's easy for you.

But you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.

How about playing a duet with me?

Oh, listen.

That's why I'm here.

Okay.

Dolly dear, a female dear.

Pray a drop of golden sun.

What's happening?

Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news?

No. Well, Scooter's uncle's going to tear this theater down.

No.

Yes, and he's going to build a junkyard on this very spot.

Thank you. That's a lot.

Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.

That's why I asked.

They're

going

to get that Swedish chef someday.

Who is? The smorgasbord of hell.

What is it, Kermit? You're the only one around here who can talk your uncle out

of tearing this theater down.

Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit. Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of

art. Tell him about all the people who'll be out of work. Sorry, Kermit.

Including you.

Wait right here.

Hey, Uncle JP, you can't tear this theater down. Oh, sure I can. I got the

junkyard all planned.

Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.

Well, what about your sense of art?

Part who?

What will all these people do for money?

Oh, let them spend cake.

Oh, what about me?

Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard.

What do you say to that, kid?

Let's get started, Uncle Parker.

Well,

did you find all that interesting?

No, I was smorgasbord.

Smorgasbord. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

Isn't it rich?

Are we a pair?

Me here at last on the ground, you in

midair.

Where are the clouds?

Don't

Don't.

with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins.

Thank you, Thomas. It's been wonderful.

Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.

Oh, no.

Yeah, Scooter's uncle still wants to tear this place down. No, cancel that

I'm not going to tear this place down.

You're not?

No, it'd be a waste of money.

as solid as a rock. Watch this.