Original subtitles

Zero Mostel, 25 seconds, stand by.

Mr. Mostel?

Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr. Mostel? Oh, he's in his dressing room eating.

I'm not in my dressing room eating.

I'm in my dressing room being eaten.

Please let them be funny this once. It's time to get things started.

Welcome to the Muppet Show.

Tonight's special guest star has many, many talents.

Let's see, he acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to

a great big zero for Zero Mostel.

But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience... Oh, at

last, at last.

And in the wings, we open tonight's show with a little classical music.

Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A -flat.

The concert pianist could not make it. Yeah, but I just introduced the

That's okay. Here, here. I got a whole new intro written.

Good luck, kid.

Okay,

ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonais in A -flat as performed by Dr.

Teeth. What?

Yeah.

You know, I'm really gonna enjoy it tonight.

You plan to like this show?

No, I plan to watch television.

Hey, good old Chopin. You can't beat the classics.

You can only destroy them.

Hey, Froggy Samphibious. Yeah?

Yeah, don't forget today is payday.

Ah, payday!

Payday! Payday again?

It was payday last year.

It's beginning to be a habit around here.

Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here.

Three moths and a washer.

Well, that's more than we usually have.

Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money?

Oh, how much do you need, Kermit? Oh, Scooter, $27 .14.

Wow, that's high finance.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle JP.

That's Scooter's Uncle JP Gross, the bloodless old tightwad who owns this

theater. Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, uh, could you put your cigar out, please?

Thanks. Oh, everything's fine.

Yeah, except Kermie needs some money to make the payroll.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh, what'd he say?

He said, uh -huh.

Terrific! If?

Uh, if what? If you put some good old -fashioned entertainment back into the

show. Oh, you mean like an Irish tenor? No. A dog act?

Jugglers? Spoon players? What?

Lady wrestlers.

Terrific. I was afraid he wanted something tasteless.

Okay, now it's time for our special guest to do something special.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Zero Mustel.

What do the sinful folk do to help them escape when they're

blue?

The shepherd who is ailing, the milkmaid who is love, the coupler who is

wailing, one nailing his thumb, when there can be seen,

the folk cannot noblessly oblige.

However, do they manage?

Once along the road.

They sing.

They must have a sister more too.

They obvious outshine us at turning tears to mirth.

Patrix's royal highness is minus from birth.

What then I wonder do they?

To chase all the goblins away.

They have some tribal sorcery you haven't mentioned yet. Oh, what?

What else do the simple folk do to help them escape

when they're blue?

They sit around and wonder what royal folk would do.

in this movie?

Beach Blanket Frankenstein.

Awful. Terrible film.

Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead.

Wonderful.

Terrific film.

Where am I going to find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date?

Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo. How would you like to work on The Muppet

Show tonight?

I see.

Transcendental meditation.

Oh, that's too bad.

Now what?

I'm all, would you get the door?

I say, would you get the door? Get the door.

Get the door.

Maybe I can try mother of the mall.

Weird door.

My, what a dynamic.

How's your backhand?

Fair. How's your forehand?

Oh, they're terrific.

You say you watched six tennis matches today?

How do you feel?

Uh, fine. Just fine.

Now, what'd you do today?

I spent a day in court.

My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket.

Well, why not get a big racket?

Excuse me, Kermit. May I speak with you?

Sure, Sam.

What do you want? I think you know why I am here.

Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

I feel my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and cultural

wholesome. You got your work cut out for you, bird.

Now that was unwholesome.

That was not cultural.

What can I do for you, Sam?

I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.

Oh, well, let's see. Tonight's show is very classy. It's very highbrow. You'll

like this show. Oh, good, yes. Yes, tell me more.

Well, let's see. We got Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel. We got a

musical number with Zoot and Ralph.

And then, of course, we got the lady wrestlers.

What?

Uh, oh, nothing, Sam. It's just, uh, we got, uh, some lady, uh, lady, um, lady

wrestlers. Uh, stand by for the pantomime number.

Lady what?

Uh, uh, lady wrestlers.

Wrest what?

Lurs.

Lady wrestlers?

Lady wrestlers?

Have we no shame?

Oh, it's coming.

Something's... Something must be done here.

Someone must work for integrity and decency.

Someone, someone must do this, and I shall continue to speak out, knowing

someday I will get my just desserts.

Sam, you will someday get your just desserts.

What was that?

Just dessert?

The road is long.

The path is stupid.

Oh, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made

today. Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory.

Beaker, come on in here and let's show the Muppet Labs brand new magnetic

carrots. Come on, Beaker. Just pick up the lid there.

It's all right.

Isn't that snazzy?

Now, these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way except that they

magnetic.

Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home on the roof of

car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator.

Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback.

Sometimes magnetic carrots tend to attract steel rabbits.

Tune in next time for news of our research into the feasibility of cast

watchdogs.

Now, let's switch channels. This show is dull.

You bet.

What is that?

It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theater box watching

That's crazy. No one would watch junk like that.

Uh, excuse me.

Mr. Mostel.

Yes? I am Sam the Eagle. Oh, I'm glad to know you. Yes, glad to know you. I am

the upholder of decency and dignity for this show. Are you really?

Yes. I believe this program is trivial and not

fit for family viewing.

It is disgracefully lacking in culture. It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

I'm glad you agree with me. Yes.

I personally have always thought that this program must, must, I say, be

cleansed of all nonsense and silliness.

Don't you agree with me, sir?

Of course. You must be glad. Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike.

Well, it's been a pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity.

Dignity. Always dignity.

Dignity. Dignity.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma 'am. What can I do for you? Yes, I understood

you're looking for lady wrestlers.

You see, I'm Granny the Gouger. I'd like to audition.

You want to audition?

Well, that's very funny. Is this some kind of a joke or something?

Joke? Funny?

Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady.

You're going to be old yourself someday.

And when that day comes...

You're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny.

I think I'm sorry already.

Thank you.

Late at night, the world sleeps.

And I am here alone.

And here I come some nights to confront my fears.

Oh,

they hear my fears.

They are always with me, lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting.

They come and they go.

Though they are gone, they are never far.

And here alone at night, I can confront them.

There they are.

Confronted fears.

Fears of hunger. Fears of pain.

Fears of missing the last train.

Fear of dentists always drilling. Fear that no one will be willing to see me as

I know I really am.

Once they are... Counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled.

Like figments of my own imagination.

For always, there are other fears.

Fears of snakes, fears of cats, fears of beetroot genes and rats.

An irrational black terror that someday I may get fat.

The elevator's falling, and the taxman's Sunday calling, and the accidental war

wing of myself.

Up inside a clammy, dank, old, dingy cellar, where the

spiders weave around my tummy, and the worms and bugs and crawly things

squirm and squiggle at my face.

and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled.

Then there are other fears.

Fears of bullets, there's a dread.

Fear of baldness on the head.

You know, waking up one morning to discover that you are dead.

Once they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled.

Like pigments.

Of my own imagination.

And there is the last fear.

Just about the time I'm past fear.

The one that really is finer.

It will come yours and mine.

The darkest of the night. It will come without a fight. It will count me

and compel me.

It will casually dispel me.

I'm just a figment of its old imagination.

Oh, look at that. The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady

wrestler.

Oh, where in the world am I going to find another heavyweight, aggressive,

female with a killer's instinct?

Hello, Trini.

Oh, oh, hi, Miss Piggy.

Pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing?

Oh, well, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a special spot

in tonight's show.

You have created a spot just for moi?

Oh, tell me about it, my little green doll.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress with

tremendous strength.

Yes.

Versatility. Yes.

And someone who's all female. Oh, oh, what is it? Joan of Arc.

Uh, no.

Not the Marietta? Well, no.

Oh, Lady Macbeth.

Well, it's more like a lady wrestler.

Wrestler?

Well, yeah. It's the sort of thing where you have to have the ability to... I

mean, wrestlers are... Lady!

10 to 1 on the pig.

we're going to present you with a cultural demonstration of female grace

dexterity. So here they are, direct from the Valley High Bolidrome, Granny the

Gouger and the mysterious Ms. Mask.

One fall, no holds barred.

Hope your insurance is paid, Frog.

show business.

That'd be the neck.

of television talking isn't it