Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars John Cleese.

John particularly became very close with the Muppets, and he immediately created

a bond with the writers on The Muppet Show, and he wanted to get involved in

writing. So together they came up with this ridiculous concept where John

doesn't want to be on the show. So the great thing is that this whole Muppet

Show is about the Muppets trying to get John to be on the show, but John's

trying to get off the show.

He'll do us all.

One great scene to watch for is where John tries to fix Gonzo's arms and ends

stretching them six feet long and ending up knotting his arms all around his

body.

Are you done?

But the more he hurts Gonzo, of course, the more Gonzo loves it.

And here's the episode. I hope you love it.

John Cleese?

Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Cleese.

Well, it's no use struggling, Mr. Cleese. You can't leave until you've

show.

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star...

We'll never get this started.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, Muppetational. This is what we call a Muppet Show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi -ho, and welcome to another Muppet Show.

Hey, we're going to have a fan...

is one of the reigning geniuses behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John

Cleese.

Here's a note from the stage hands up in the rafters.

Let's see, it says, Dear Kermit, we are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but

we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor.

P .S., actually, we dropped two weights.

Why is the opening number? I think I'm going to lie down for a while.

Somebody stole my gal.

Somebody stole my pal.

Somebody came and took her away.

She didn't even say that she was even leaving. Her kisses I miss so.

I know.

Miss Her Kisses.

I got a sore thumb.

Why don't you get it taken care of? That keeps my mind off the show.

And now, to appease the intellectuals of our audience, the great Gonzo will

catch a cannonball with his bare hand as fired from a muzzle -loading cannon.

What was that? A survivor.

Hey, have you heard about the new police show starring Gonzo the Great?

Pig's claws.

No pig's claws?

Here we are. It says, I only work with a frog. That's you, right? Check.

The bear and the ugly, disgusting little one who catches cannonballs.

That's it. No pigs. And that goes for monsters, too.

which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis.

Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois reports he has found a method of

synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool.

At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a

terrine of minestrone while his wife Nancy crocheted meatballs.

this bird's a great performer, but tonight she laid an egg.

And now, Pigs in Space!

Following the acrophobic Captain Link, Hogfrog, the illustrious First Mate,

Piggy, and the sesquipedalian Doctor Strange.

as we join our story today.

Oh, the

loneliness

of command.

You can't be a pirate.

Of course I'm a pirate. I've got a hat, a parrot, and a hook.

What else should I be? A management consultant?

spaceship. What?

This is the swine truck bound for the other side of the universe.

You're supposed to be on an ocean ship.

slipped boils.

You suppose they meant it to be?

Looks like the backstroke.

So I says to the waiter, I says, waiter, there's a fly in my soup. And the

waiter says, what's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?

So I said to the waiter, I said, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

And he said, standing in for the apostrophe.

My, what a tough night I've had tonight.

Oh, yeah, me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.

Just a song, you know, I don't have a wife.

Not yet. I don't intend to have one either.

Are you ready?

Yes.

There was I, waiting at the church, waiting at the church, waiting

at the church.

When I found he left me in the lurch, your power did upset me.

All at once, he sent me round a note.

Here's the very note.

Now will you take a silly pillow out from under your dress?

I like it!

And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my own little nephew,

Robin. Uncle Kermit, Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm.

Oh, shall we cancel? No, no.

We're two lost souls on the highway of life. We ain't even got

a sister or brother.

But ain't it just great?

Ain't it just grand?

We've got each other.

Two lost ships on a stormy sea.

One with no sail and one with no rudder. But ain't it just great?

Ain't it just grand?

We've got each other.

On the highway of life And there is no one With whom we would rather Say

ain't it just great Ain't it just grand We've got each other

We've got a lot Because we've got

Each other

What is red and woolly and five feet long?

A mitten for Gonzo the Great.

Good,

yes, just what the world needs, humorous hip persons.

Mr. Cleese, what am I going to do?

Which one are you? I'm the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.

me. Yes, it's horrible, isn't it? So, not to worry, I know... plastic surgeon

who can fix you up, give you a little Roman number, something cute to buy.

No, Mr.

Cleese, it's not my nose, it's my arm.

Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face?

Mr. Cleese, just forget about the nose, please.

Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything.

Now, what's wrong with this arm of yours? It's about five feet long.

Isn't that enough?

in the Himalayas, Gonzo, I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of

Daucho Chingua. Were both his arms the same length? As what?

As each other.

Oh, some of them were, yes.

Now, lie down, please, and I want you to keep repeating something.

What?

to the Cusbanian spooble.

Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here.

You will note that the spooble is composed almost entirely of liquid.

You betcha. Or as they say on...

TV interview, I should wear my crystal vase.

But, you know, I wanted to be casual.

Yeah, well, listen, the jar is just swell. Oh, I'm glad it's not winter. I

wearing those ugly thermos bottles.

Right. Okay, well, there you have it, folks. Once again, it's been an unusual

and informative visit with another...

a Kuzbanian has been drunk on television.

What do you suppose would happen to a spooble if you put him in a kettle and

turned the heat on under him?

Oh, he'd probably get steamed.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star to sing to

dream the impossible dream.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Kuzbanian.

Kermit? Kermit?

Could I speak to you, please?

Yeah, what is it, John? What's going on?

Oh, well, nothing. You just missed your cue, that's all.

What? See, that was an eight -bar intro, and then you're supposed to sing, to

dream the impossible dream, you know, like that.

You can't be serious.

Kermit, I don't do old show tunes.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

That's our mistake. I'm sorry. We just got confused.

We'll just take it out. Curtains!

very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese.

Where's the frog?

Where's the frog? Shut up.

Shut up.

Kill the music. Cut the music. Where's the frog? We didn't finish yet. No,

not going to.

I didn't get to do my potential.

What is it, John?

Tell me, this is mad. I mean, the moment the curtain...

You're lousy. Well,

what can I say, John?

I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault. We'll just take it again. Give us one

last chance, would you?

One.

Well, see you next time. Yeah, unless I get lucky and break a leg.