Original subtitles

Teresa Brewer, 13 seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer. Everything all right?

Actually, I could use a hand.

You want a hand? You got it.

Anything else?

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest, our Miss Teresa Brewer.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to drag a fright.

It's time to get things started.

Can I see your ticket stub?

It's time to get things started. I'm the most mistaken, all inspirational,

celebration, all motivational.

This is why.

Muppet Show, where anything can happen.

Unfortunately.

But on the bright side, our special guest star tonight is one of the great

in popular music, and here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!

was king.

You can remember when Arthur was king.

Okay, you guys really bailed out that number.

Very nice.

Hey, Kermit, have you decided what you're going to do about Miss Piggy's

ballet number next week? Yeah, Scooter, I'm afraid we're going to have to cut

it. But why?

Well, have you seen Miss Piggy recently? I mean, she's getting a little bulgy.

You know, the pork no longer fits in the barrel.

Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little.

old pork roll.

Hello, Kermit. Hi, Miss Piggy.

I have a wonderful announcement to make. I know it sounds silly, but I am going

on a diet.

A diet?

What a wonderful idea.

How much weight do you plan to lose?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe five.

Ten. Ten.

Do I hear 20? 20 pounds!

For my, uh, new ballet number!

You think she overheard?

Now, Pig in Pig!

Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogbrab, the flappable first mate, Miss

Piggy, and the inex... Implicable Doctor Strange.

As we left our heroes last time, Captain Holtrop had just discovered the awful

truth.

Yes, Captain? Our oxygen is almost gone, fuel supplies are down to nothing, and

the water is all used up.

Oh, Captain, my Captain, what shall we do?

Hey, Gad, we're out of water, fuel, and oxygen. What could be worse?

Captain, we're out of swill!

fiction story. Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship. We can't

survive without swill. What do you suggest, Captain?

Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.

Me? I'm the first mate. I'm supposed to give orders.

Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.

Good. Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff.

All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch. You hear me?

What sketch? This is the swing truck. We've lost an endless space.

This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you on the frog rodent.

Hey, you guys, Kermit says get on with the sketch, okay?

death -defying intellectualism never seen before, the Great Gonzo will recite

Shakespeare while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

The Magic of Venice, Act One, Scene One.

Antonio speaks.

It wearies me.

I

was

wondering if I could ask your advice.

You know, woman to woman.

Why, sure, Miss Piggy.

about being fat.

Oh, Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people.

I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your fat

friends.

Well, maybe I can help. I was just about to have some lunch. Would you care to

join me?

You know, it's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet.

You know,

all they ever talk about is...

calories and exercise and lettuce leaves.

Now you're talking.

Oh, Miss Brewer, listen, I thought that number was so great, that cotton field

thing. It was just beautiful.

Thank you, Kermit. Uh, Piggy, you're supposed to be on a diet.

You weren't thinking of doing anything with that cake there, were you, fat

stuff?

but carrots three times a day.

Oh, how's it working?

Fine.

As far as I'm concerned, being fat is all in your head.

I don't think it's all in your head.

Amazing, Teresa. You got the autograph of every big star in show business in

that book.

Well, it's a hobby of mine. I started when I was just a kid. I always get all

the autographs of all the people I work with.

Oh, look at that. There's Bing Crosby.

You got Bob Hope and Louis Armstrong.

Wait a second. Whose autograph is that?

Crazy Harry.

of us Muppets. Of course.

I think I've got just about all of the Muppets autographs. Well, you haven't

gotten all of them.

You know, you're right.

I'm missing the most important one.

Well, gee.

You know, the collection would be worthless without it.

Yeah, well, I don't know what to say.

Well, just tell me how to get animals autographs.

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again.

Well, here it is, the all -new Muppet's electric nose warmer.

Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold nippy day and gotten

nose cold?

Wouldn't it be nice, you thought to yourself, if I could warm it

Well, now you can.

as my assistant Beaker will now demonstrate.

Come on in here, Beaker.

We're just going to slip... Come on over here.

We're just going to slip this on your nose, all right?

There you go. All the way up.

There.

And now with the nose warmer in place, we have only to turn on the electricity.

And there's Beaker with a nice, toasty, warm nose.

You really should stop smoking, Beaker. It's very bad for me.

That was great.

Fantastic. Yeah, I didn't like it.

Well, what would you know, you old fool?

Don't call me an old fool. I'll give you the evil eye.

Oh, I'm scared.

You can rock it, you can roll it, you can stomp it, even throw it at the hop,

hop, hop, hop, hop. The record's got you spinning, you call it so when you're

kicking at the hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. The do the dancing station, it is

sweeping the nation at the hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

It's been 20 whole minutes I've been on this diet.

Well, let's see. I hope I haven't lost too much weight.

girl swing monster bit again. They tried to sneak it past us.

Sorry. Sorry.

I think you're getting seen.

Well, chubby, ready to lose a little lard?

Ready to lose a few tubes?

A little exercise, shall we?

Okay, chin up, chest out, deep breath, touching toe.

Next exercise, running in place.

Here we go. Ready?

Run. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

One,

two.

One, two.

One

Now we really hear some music. Yeah, what music?

Put another nickel in.

I put nickel in. What music?

Put another nickel in.

I put nickel in. What music? Just listen, fuzzy face.

What music?

jokes we have left for this show, but before we go, let's have a great big

for Miss Teresa Brewer.

And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit...

Well, they did it again. Yeah, whatever it was.