Original subtitles

Seconds to curtain, Mr. Knott.

What are you doing out here behind the table?

Listen, nobody told me I had to share a dressing room. Didn't they tell you

about her?

Her?

What's the matter, sweetie?

You don't like chorus girls?

That thing started on the most sensational lens.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh

-huh.

in a cane made of peppermint.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Nice, icky hands, sticky peppermint.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Sponge sugary cloud, I'm floating on.

Sun spreading my soup, a sugar coating on. All tasty and tan, sweet

gingerbread man.

I know what's wrong with this show. What?

It's the theater.

What's wrong with it? The seats face the stage.

Thank you. Hi, hiya, hiya. Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Kermit is letting me help plan tonight's show.

That's true, folks. He plans his parts and I plan the good parts.

Come on.

I'm just kidding, Fozzie. Go ahead. Make your introduction.

Oh, okay.

Moving right along.

We take you now for a trip into inner space.

I'm very relaxed. I'm terribly calm and tranquil.

I'm very, very relaxed indeed.

on the outside, but on the inside, I'm like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel

within a wheel, a never -ending clock beginning on a never -spinning wheel,

like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon, or like a carousel

that's turning, running rings around the moon, caused like a clock whose hands

are sweeping past the minutes of its space, see that the world is like an

whirling silently in space, just like the circles that you find down in the

windmills of your mind, just like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of

own, way down a hollow to a...

never shown, just like a door that keeps revolving in a half -forgotten dream,

or like the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream, because like

clock begins sweeping at the minutes of its space, even the world is like an

apple, suddenly in space, just like the circles that you find here in the

windmills of your mind, put a needle in your pocket, put a candle in your head,

why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said, see lovers walk

along the shore, leave their footprints in the sand, or is the sound of distant

drumming, get the fingers of your hands, sing in the hallway, see the fragment

of a song, have remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong, When

knew that it was over, you were suddenly aware that the autumn leaves are

turning to the color of her hair, just like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel

within a wheel, never ending, beginning, never ending, never ending, never

ending, never ending, never ending, never ending, never ending, never

never ending, never ending, never ending, never ending,

never ending, never ending.

I'm very calm.

Well, how'd you like that opening number?

Impossible. It was loud and rocket with a screaming thing running amok.

How could you not notice it?

Well, in the future, I'll try to be more observant.

Could you do that, please?

This is fun. Hey, I really want to thank you for letting me help plan tonight's

show, Kermit. Yeah, well, I just wish we planned something a little calmer for

the opening spot.

It looks calm enough to me.

Refer specifically to the closing number.

Oh, boy.

Well, now, I tell you, this is not my fault this time, see, because Fozzie

helped me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play

Lullaby at Birdland. That was Fozzie.

So this is the Bears doing, huh? You bet. Oh, hi, Floyd.

Uh, isn't Lullaby at Birdland all right?

All right. Hey, it's too...

At last we've got some decent music in this gear.

Ha! Why isn't the bear running things around here?

Yeah, why isn't the bear running things around here?

Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians?

Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut?

Okay, right now, gang, it's time for something good to happen, and that

something is tonight's very funny guest star.

Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr. Don Knotts.

Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week, the program that

presents the most hideous, repulsive, and disgusting animals in the world just

to amuse you sweet little kiddies.

Now, tonight's creature was just discovered, so it doesn't even have a

Shall we?

Cute little fellow, isn't it?

This is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time

had it away from its mother.

I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn

huh?

we've just learned that can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely

escape -proof.

I better get him.

Oh,

look at that.

He's found something shaped like himself. I believe he thinks they're

Isn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends.

I'll just get the glove.

the zookeeper pay off, you notice I don't make any sudden moves.

It's getting less frightened of me.

I guess it likes me.

Stop it.

That tickles.

It's blowing in my ear.

Gotcha.

Well, boys and girls, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week.

We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up. You

see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring.

And if she should discover it missing, she could get very upset.

but a terrible memory.

Fozzie, my main pair.

Mmm. What it is, you know everybody in the band is so blown away by the fact

that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show.

Blown away?

Is this that good?

Good? Yes.

Fozzie, you're so hip, you make us flip. In fact, we just took a vote and made

you a bonafide registered...

My shades.

Yeah, now, these are the official Charlie Parker Lives super cool

Thank you. Welcome to Groovydonk. Oh, will you please tell the band how

I am?

Oh, boy, I can't wait to tell Kermit. Kermit!

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's

gone to the dogs.

Next patient. What seems to be his problem?

I think he has flat feet, Dr. Bob.

Looks more like a flat tire to me.

I think it's a case of three left feet.

Three feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that?

Oh, about a yard.

But is it serious, Dr. Bob? Let's face it. This bird has one foot in the grave.

But he has three feet on the table.

Well, that's nothing. I left two feet in Cincinnati.

That's six feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that? Oh, about a fathom.

I certainly can't fathom any of this.

And so Dr.

Bob has performed another amazing medical feat. Tune in next week when

hear Nurse Piggy say... Shall we call in a specialist, Dr. Bob?

No, we'll just call a tow truck.

me jogging along, hardy and strong, living on plates of fresh air.

I dress up in fashion, and when I am feeling depressed, I shave

from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff, stick my hat on and toddle up west.

I'm Burlington Bertie, I rise at ten -thirty and saunter along like a toff.

I walk down the strand with my gloves on my hand, then I walk down again with

them all.

I'm all ales and graces, correct easy paces, without food so long I forgot

my face is, I'm Bert. Bert, I haven't a shirt, but my people are well off, you

know. Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Roseberry, I'm Burlington

Bertie Flambeau.

My poems, though ironical, shows.

That's my monocle, holds up my face, keeps it in place, stops it from

away.

Cigars!

I smoke thousands. I usually deal in the strand.

But you've got to take care when you're getting them there or some idiot might

stand on your hand.

Oh, I burn it in 30, I rise it in 30, then Buckingham Palace I view.

I stand in the yard while they're changing the guard, and the king shouts

across, the prince of Wales' brother, along with some other, slaps me on the

back and says, come and see mother, I'm Bert, Bert, the royalties hurt when they

ask me to dine, I say no, I've just had a banana with Lady Diana, I'm Bertie

Dunbertie from Poe.

Strange. Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while.

Sorry,

lady.

Hi,

Fozzie. Oh, hello, Don. Good to see you.

Oh, hi, Don. Didn't see you.

Why don't you take off the sunglasses?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

The band gave me these because they think I am so hip.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, personally, I've never had that problem.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know how it is. When you got it, you got it. I mean, when you're hip,

you're hip. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Uh, Don, if you're so hip, where are your shades?

Shades? You want shades? I'll show you shades.

I see trees of green, red roses too.

I see them bloom for me and you.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful

world.

I see skies of blue.

And clouds of white.

The bright sunny day.

And the dark cloudy night.

And I think to myself.

What a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow. So pretty in the sky.

are also on the faces of people going by.

I see friends shaking hands, saying, how do you do?

They're really saying, I love you.

I hear puppies crying.

I watch you grow.

You'll learn much more than I'll ever know.

And I think to myself, what a

wonderful world.

Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful

world.

Wonderful.

Wish I knew how to look.

Hey, Fuzzy, my main Fuzzy. Oh, Floyd.

Yeah, listen, you know, one of the dudes in the band is so turned on by the fact

that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland, he'd like to shake your hand

personally. Hey, I'd have sang.

hurt to be hit.

What's wrong with you?

It's either this show or indigestion.

I hope it's indigestion.

It'll get better in a little while.

Just wish it came with a flashlight.

Floyd, it's time to do Lullaby of Birdland.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're

to need another player for the bass.

Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on.

Hey, come back. No problem.

I have already found the perfect bass player.

Floyd, you just go out...

this number for my hip brothers, Green Stuff!

Stickly, that is. Hi, Stick here. Tune into Nickelodeon every weekday after

school for Nick in the Afternoon. That's Hey Dude, Wienerville, Beetlejuice,

Wild and Crazy Kids, and me.

That's Nick with Stick. No, Stick with Nick.

It's Nick with Nick with Cut.

Now, stay tuned for The Partridge Family, next on Nick at Night.

This show is awful. Terrible. Disgusting. See you next week? Of