Original subtitles

Milton Berle, 20 seconds to curtain.

Standby for make -up. Standby for what?

Make -up!

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Another show, another headache.

It's time to get things started.

edition of The Muppet Show.

Tonight's a special one for us because our guest star is one of the truly great

comedians, Milton Berle.

So now for tonight's opening number, here he is, one of the beautiful people.

of us were ugly.

Take the case of our friend the crocodile.

His bite is much worse than his bark.

In fact, his behavior is juvenile.

Infantile. Why can't he just sing like a lark?

He's not the prettiest to be found. He's a useful and happy reptile.

I'll double up anyone left lying down and that gives me my

He's ugly. He's ugly as sin.

What good is it without uglies in?

Yeah. If you're ugly like me, you're in good company.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

Take the case of our friend the warthog.

He must be the ugliest by far.

Check every page in the ugly catalog.

Of all the ugly ones, he's the star.

His tail sticking up like a flagpole.

His tusks and his warts and his bristles.

Whenever I decide to take a stroll, I'm never bothered by any wolf whistles.

Ugly, you're ugly, it's in.

What beautiful sound.

Ugly's in.

Yes, sir. If you're ugly like me, you're in good company.

There are millions of us, we're ugly.

Now, if you're bad looking, you're the lucky one.

There's no effort involved in being ugly.

But if you're beautiful by comparison, well, it's really a catastrophe.

Ointment and makeup and all that you smear on your body daily.

Then you wipe it all off and you put on some more.

So be thankful that we are ugly.

We're ugly, we're ugly as sin.

But beautiful doubt, ugly's in.

If you're ugly like me, you're in good company.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

There are millions of us who are ugly.

wrong with this hearing aid?

Yeah, what's wrong?

I can't hear with it.

Oh, no wonder.

It's too far away.

Okay,

beautiful opening number. Beautiful. Very pretty. Very pretty.

Uh, well, pretty ugly.

What is that?

Ozzie? Yeah?

Oh, what are you doing?

I'm hiding from Milton Berle.

You're hiding from Milton Berle, but he's your idol. Don't you want to meet

Meet him? Why do you think I'm hiding, Kermit? What could this lowly bear say

the king of comics?

How about hello?

Hello? I just couldn't say hello.

No, I'd have to make a little speech and grovel a lot.

Well, whatever you say, but I think there's one thing you should know about

Milton Berle. Right. He's coming down the stairs.

Hi there, Milton. You ready for your monologue?

All ready.

Okay. I'm going to go out and introduce you. Thank you very much.

Hey, Uncle Miltie, I hope you really knock them dead out there.

Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.

I'm not. I'm worried about you.

How do you like that? I'm not even on the station. I'm in trouble.

In the golden age of television, our guest star earned the title of Mr.

Television, and he deserves it to this day.

Here he is, the incomparable Miltie.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, and good evening. And I want to thank you, Kermit. Thank

you for your wonderful introduction. First time I've ever been introduced by

amphibious emcee.

Because you know what amphibious means. It means he can be dull on land or

water.

I feel great. I really feel wonderful. I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother -in -law to the airport.

And while I was there... Honey!

Uh -huh, uh -huh. I heard about them. It's beginning.

You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you?

Yeah, they are, ladies and gentlemen. Get a look at them.

Starsky and Crutch.

Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't start with me, please. Hey, hey, Burl.

What? You know what? I've just figured out your style.

Really? You work like Gregory Peck.

Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

Well?

Now, just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

How come we got this half?

Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?

That's right.

What's right?

We came in here to be entertained, and we're not.

Oh, yeah?

I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.

You first.

Ha, ha, ha, the audience.

Don't pay any attention to him, folks.

He's the ninth child of a family of eight.

Let me tell this story. Hey, Bill.

Oh, yes, what is it? What is it? You know what you're doing wrong?

What am I doing wrong?

You're standing too close to the audience.

Oh, yeah?

How's this?

You're still too close.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this okay?

Yeah, a little more.

How far back do you want me to go?

You got a car?

Let me tell you something. If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out.

He can't. He's too busy.

Doing what?

Keeping people in.

And you're encouraging me. That's what you're doing.

You're not a guy. I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.

Please, not while I'm holding it.

That's pretty funny.

You can use it.

I can use it. I don't need your material, pal.

I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?

Gentlemen, would you please?

Would you take it easy?

Do you think I'm doing this for fun?

Not so far.

Oh, I see.

You think you can do better?

I couldn't do worse.

All right. I dare you both to come down here and entertain.

We should.

Oh, yeah?

Do you sing?

No. Do you dance?

No. Can you get laughs?

No. Then what would you do?

Just what you're doing.

Okay, that's it. That's it. I'm going to call the police.

Good idea. You need all the protection you can get.

Don't, will you? I've had it with you guys.

I'm not going to put up with you anymore.

Anymore. Not anymore.

Hey, how's it going, Mr. Burrow? Oh, I'm going to start with you now. How's it

going?

It's gone terribly. These guys have been picking on me and assaulting me ever

since I started.

Well, can I help you out?

Please, huh?

Which way did you come in?

London. The will of the late Mary Crandall, which has been bitterly

her son Charles and her cat Cutie Pie, was settled today.

A special court has ruled Charles as the sole heir, and he will be awarded the

entire estate, 10 ,000 rubber mice.

And now, here...

Featuring the master of the Swine Trek, the intrepid and well -fed Link

Hogthrob.

And his first mate and second in command, the very cute and extremely

Miss Piggy.

And the super brain behind this whole ghastly mistake, the inexplicable Dr.

Julius Strangepork.

As you recall, last week the spaceship Swine Trek was on a suicidal collision

course with a mysterious celestial object.

It's coming straight at us, but I can't tell what it is. It looks like the

headlight on a motorcycle.

We know what it looks like. We want to know what it is.

Pesti, pesti, mon capitaine.

Doc, would you look this thing up in your book?

Yes, yes, no, no. It's not listed here under any known objects.

Look under unknown objects.

How could it be in my book if it's unknown?

There are some things even pigs don't know.

Doc, how long before we collide with this thing?

Exactly 17 hours. Good.

Well, that's the kind of man I like to have on my crew.

La -dee -da.

Excuse me, Captain. It's not exactly 17 hours. No?

No. It's 17 seconds.

We have trouble with those little decimals.

17 seconds.

Nice going, Doc.

Prepare for collision.

It was a motorcycle.

I told you that at the beginning of this dumb sketch.

Lucky guess.

Anyway, I got us out of that tight pinch.

This is

a good place to

hide from Milton Berle.

Gee, I never realized how funny he really is in relation to certain bears I

could mention.

I think I'll just stay here till the end of the show.

Hey, Fozzie, that won't work. We already used that joke on pigs in space.

The entertainer, right?

Yeah, that's the name of the song.

You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.

Yeah, that's true.

And what they're about?

They're about the stars and the performers and the entertainers that

during the heyday of vaudeville. Hey, you used to be in vaudeville, didn't

Yeah, sure I was, when I was a kid.

How many performances did you do in Vaudeville? Oh, I'd say between 80 ,000

100 ,000.

Wow. You were really the entertainer, weren't you? One of them, yeah, one of

them.

Many, many fond memories.

Now the curtain has gone up.

The entertainer is taking a bow.

He does his dance set.

And sings his song.

Even gets the audience to sing along.

Yes, he knows just what to do.

He knows how to bring down the house when he's through.

Snappy patter and jokes.

He knows what pleases the folks.

The entertainer.

The star of the show.

There was a dancing bear, even a dog out there, and a comedian who never

let him down.

But when he came on to do his favorite song, he really wowed them in the city

and the town.

Now the curtain is going down on the entertainer, the artist, the

pro.

He was put on this earth to bring us laughter and mirth.

The entertainer, the star of the show.

play that song again for moi?

Sure.

Now the curtain is going up The entertainer is taking

her Does her dance step and sings her song Even

gets all the audience to see

Yes, she knows just what she must do.

Knows how to bring down the house when she's through.

Slappy patter and jokes, she knows what pleases the folks. The entertainer, the

star of the show.

What's up, Mineral?

She's a born pimp.

Huppa, huppa.

And now the curtain is going up. Oh, yeah. The entertainer is taking her bow.

Does her dance and sing her song.

Even gets all the audience to sing along.

Yeah, she knows just what she must do.

Knows how to bring down the house when she's through.

What's this?

What does it look like, small boy I have never seen before?

Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying to hide from Milton Berle.

You have penetrated my disguise.

Oh, Fozzie. Oh, Fozzie, why don't you just go up to Milton Berle and introduce

yourself? Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter. Well, I see your point.

Milton's monologue was terrific.

Yeah. As a matter of fact, he's much funnier than you are.

You know, if you really want to know the truth... I don't. I don't. What's wrong

with old -fashioned lying?

Fozzie, you look upset.

I am, Scooter. I wish I could go lie down.

Well, what's stopping you?

Standing on my beard.

Oh, sorry.

And now, straight from a three -month engagement at the

Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society... Here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.

Oh.

Turn my heart away.

Makes me dream all day. Dreams I knew can never

be.

Oh, Fonzie.

Hey, Fonzie, you know, this is your last chance to meet Milton Berle.

Come on, I keep telling you, I just can't. I wouldn't know what to say to

Yeah, well, here he comes.

Oh!

Please don't tell him where I am.

Hey, whatever you say.

Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?

Oh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should mention it. He's... Where is he? He's in

Death Valley.

Death Valley?

Yep, Death Valley. What's he doing in Death Valley?

Well, he's gathering material for his act.

I've seen his act. He can use it. No, I'm kidding.

You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.

Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his way out of things.

Yes, sir, yes, sir. I was just telling Kermit that I've always wanted to do a

song and dance with you.

You? You? A song and dance with me? You the king of the baggy pants comics?

You the... How about... How about... Top Banana?

What?

Top Banana.

If you want me to tie you a banana, I'll do it. I'll tie you a Brussels sprout,

a plum, whatever. I'll do it.

No, no, kid. You see, Top Banana is what they call the head comic back in the

days of burlesque. Ah.

Let me tell you something.

Okay. Yeah?

You listening? Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.

Your big -timers and your small -timers fathers never made it the easy way.

Here's the way it usually goes.

The star comes first, then the leading man, then the actors in the play.

There are no comics like low comics who finally make the grade.

Oh, I recall, sweetheart, all the phony starts and the lousy parts

I played.

Come on, Fozzie, follow me, huh? Come on.

If you want to be the top of the map, you've got to start from the bottom of

bucket.

You've got to know the joke about the farmer's daughter.

Then take it in the kisser with the soda water.

If you want to be a burlap comer, it's basic training for you to take a punch.

You've got to roll your eyes and make a funny face and do a taken holler. This

must be the place.

Hey, hey,

hey, where are you going?

I'm taking my case to court.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

No, what's the matter, my good man? What's the matter? Who is this? Who is

Why, it's me.

Oh, good, I thought it was me.

Hey, hey, now. Now where are you going? I'm taking my case to a higher court.

Hey, now where are you going, Sam?

Sam? How did you know?

How did you know?

Yes, yes.

How did you know my name was... How did you know my... Will you wait till I tell

it, folks, please?

How did you know my name was Sam?

I guessed it.

Then guess where I'm going.

You want to... Stop the music.

Do we have to do this, Joe? You've got to do it.

It's an oldie, pal.

I know, I know.

You've got a lot of guts, pal, I'll tell you that.

Well,

feed me once more, please. Feed me.

Hey, what happened in court?

Are you ready? I lost the suit.

If you want to be the top banana.

You gotta start at the bottom of the bunch.

An actor has to bring on tears without a giggle. A tough banana has to have two

ears that wiggle.

You may want to imitate no comment.

You'll get more laughs by saying, What the heck?

We hardly find a drawing room a toss of murk. But put us in a bedroom or an

upper berth. If you want to be a tough banana, you gotta start from the bottom.

We've reached the end of another one, folks. Let's have a big round of

for Mr. Milton Berle.

Bobby, what are you doing out here?

Oh, come it. Milton and I are the best of friends now. Right, Uncle Milton?

That's right. Yeah, yeah. From now on, I can see it. It's the bear and the

burro. Wrong.

It's the burro and the bear.

Yes, yes, yes, old master of mine. Grubble, grubble. Remember that.

grubble. Okay.

We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show. Yeah.

Good work, man.

Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.

Speak up. My hearing aid's not working.