Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars Steve Martin.

It was a very different kind of Muppet Show.

See, you're going to feel right at home around here.

There was no laugh track, so you can actually hear the Muppet performers

laughing along at what's going on.

The episode features the talents of such legends as the strange alien fazoos and

the flying zucchini brothers.

Marvin Suggs and his all -food glee club. We have no bananas today.

Bananas today.

All this and, of course, Steve Martin's balloon animals.

Puppy dog.

Oh, I love that one. That's so cute. Thank you very much. Here he is, the

wonderful Steve Martin in The Muppet Show.

Steve Martin.

Oh, Steve Martin.

15 seconds till curtain, Mr. Martin.

Thank you, Scooter. I'm almost ready.

Say,

you're going to feel right at home around here.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Well, I like the old opening better.

It's time to get things started. I'm the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational.

Muppet Show. Listen, I really feel bad about this, but I have a special

announcement. Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.

Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled.

Tonight's show has been cancelled.

Have I died and gone to heaven?

Well, you see, I just realized I misread my calendar.

Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry,

but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight.

You can all stay and watch the auditions, but of course, I'm not sure

be anything very exciting.

When has there ever been?

Okay, you two, take the night off.

We might as well bring up the house lights and say goodnight to everybody.

I'll just go out into the house.

Oh, good grief, it's Steve Martin.

Yeah, it is, Kermit. How's it going, little fella?

Well, fine, just fine, Steve.

Say, I was sitting back in my dressing room back there getting ready for the

next number, and...

I heard this rumor that the show had been canceled.

Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight.

Oh, oh, okay, fine. Hey, you know, I was just supposed to be the guest star on

tonight's show. No problem. Well, yeah, I'm very sorry about that, really. Well,

you know, it's just a thing that I'm sitting back there getting ready, and,

know, I feel like some kind of sap back there putting these clothes on for the

big number, and no one comes back and bothers to say, Hey, Steve, the show has

been canceled.

What am I around here?

I don't know what to say. Well, I do.

Excuse me!

Well,

let's get the auditions going, shall we?

Well,

should we stay or go?

I feel the same as I do every week. I've paid good money for this ticket, and

I'm going to use it.

The tickets are free.

Oh, yes. Well, and overpriced at that, too.

Okay, if we can get things started here now.

Kermit, Kermit, hey, when you say you're auditioning acts, you mean new acts,

don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements.

Oh, well, I don't really know, Fozzie. I just thought maybe we could use some

new blood.

Why didn't you tell me you wanted me to bleed?

Okay, Scooter, what's the first act?

Oh, we got some really great talent lined up, boss. First up is the LaTrek

sisters in the garbage can can.

Oh, please don't let them be funny.

Oh, very good. Nice work, girls.

He liked the dancing rats?

What chances a bear have.

Listen, Kermit, if you like the last act, wait till you see the next one.

called Mary Louise and Friend.

Yeah,

right on. Now you're talking my language.

Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater, please?

What's next, Scooter? Oh, you'll love this, boss.

Here he is, Steve Martin.

Steve,

you know, you really don't have to perform here, you know. Well, I figured

I was here, I may as well do some stuff, you know.

Yeah, but you don't have to. to do this because we canceled the show.

Oh, well, maybe I could just, you know, perform for the guys.

Yeah. Okay, well, listen, if you want him, you got him. Take it away, Steve.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, sure,

he's great, but can he...

But I won't blow.

Well, actually, I get the balloons for free. I go down to the balloon ranch

where the little baby balloons are grown, and I, oh, steal them from the

What I do is the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid, and I can,

easy to trick them.

is Terry Lewis.

It's an enriching experience.

Yeah. Hey, Scooter, what's next?

Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. He's an emcee.

What the hey?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to another edition of The

Muppet Show.

Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and

amazingly talented me, plus other good things. Next.

It was really interesting to see how another emcee works.

What? Yeah, you really... must feel enriched, Kermit. Will you get out of

Fozzie?

On to the next act, Chief?

Yes, I'd love to. I should think so.

Anyway, it's a weird little act to Rick from the planet Coosbane.

Here they are, the four fazoobs.

and Terry Louise.

Kermit. Not now, Gonzo.

We had the fazoobs.

The fazoobs.

Kermit. What is it, Gonzo? Kermit, I've got this great new act for you.

Not now, Gonzo. You see, right now I'm in the middle of auditions.

Okay, we'll audition.

I've seen your acts, Gonzo. You see, I don't want to see any more of them.

you. Okay?

I'll talk to you later. All right? All right? All right? Scooter!

Who's next, Scooter?

Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act.

No.

Dancing cheese?

You were listening.

Will somebody find Scooter?

Oh, Kermit, she's a great dancer.

She? It's a female cheese?

Of course it's a female.

You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?

No, no. That would look weird.

Yes, yes, I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo. Okay, you say you dance

her. You're getting interested, aren't you? No, I'm just killing time until

Scooter gets here.

Oh, well, anyway.

She's featured. We do a flamenco.

I just click my heels a little.

The cheese does the fancy steps.

The cheese does the fancy steps, huh? Mm -hmm.

Gonzo, I don't think I want to hear any more about it. But Scooter's not here

yet. I don't care.

Oh, here he comes now. Oh, Scooter! Just remember it.

Yeah, sure.

Yes, Chief?

Scooter, who you got next, huh?

Oh, Gonzalez and Yolanda.

that we've got some truly new and different acts for the rest of the

Here's the first one, Carrie Louise in Friend.

Oh, man.

Ribbit.

I keep telling you, I'm the girl singer on this show.

Move it, move it.

Okay, nothing too different so far.

This one, Kermit, he's a rambling guy.

Okay, let's not waste any more time. Let's go.

How much was it to get in?

Three. Okay, you're going to get your money's worth on this.

Thank you.

Yes,

here, here.

Oh, wholesome, wonderful.

I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam. Oh, Kermit, it was good, old -fashioned

entertainment. With that act, the Muppet Show finally turns the corner and

becomes a normal, decent, moral program.

Please, Sam.

What's next?

Oh, Marvin Suggs and his all -food glee club.

For one brief moment, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you.

in my heart out.

Oh, what is wrong, Miss Spanigan? I feel naked without my hollandaise.

A dinner.

Yeah, Soprano looks delicious.

Okay, Chief, next up is a guy you'll love. Remember Ramblin' Guy?

Here's Jugglin' Guy.

And now it's time for a little juggling.

First of all, I juggle one.

Okay, take it.

Toss it up in midair, okay?

Okay.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I've killed it.

Oh.

Oh.

when you say very funny, do you mean?

Fozzie, listen, don't worry about it. Nobody is going to lose their job.

Oh, that's terrific.

Excuse me, Kermit. I got one last act back here. It's a human cannonball act.

The Zucchini Brothers.

Yeah, it sure does, Steve. Listen, I hope you're not mad that we canceled the

show. Oh, no, I'm just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the

rehearsed with your jug band.

Oh, I didn't know you'd rehearsed a number.

Oh, it was going to be good, but no problem, no worries. Yeah, well, I would

have liked to have seen it.

I knew he'd fall for it.

No!

Well,

you know, this is the time when I usually say the show is over, but it

kind of silly since the show never actually begun.

But if it had begun, I'd be saying, let's have a special thanks for Mr.

Martin.

Tell you what, a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show tonight.

for watching. We'll see you next time.

That was different.

Yep. Lousy, but different.