Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

The Muppets have always gotten a lot of fan mail. Over the years, we've received

thousands of letters, and believe it or not, we do try to read and answer every

one of them.

Dear Kermit, my cousin Diane has a pet frog, and she named him Kermit.

The staff received a memorable letter from a Scandinavian businessman who saw

the show while on a trip to London.

He wrote to inform my father that the Muppet Show's so -called Swedish chef

not actually speak any real Scandinavian language, not even Swedish.

The Muppet Show head writer, Jerry Jewell, sent a reply.

saying thank you for bringing this to our attention. We were going to fire the

chef on the spot, but he has got a wife and family, and he promises to take

Swedish lessons.

So here's the Swedish chef and all your other favorite Muppets on The Muppet

Show.

Dom DeLuise?

Dom DeLuise? Oh, 18 seconds to curtain, Mr. DeLuise.

Oh.

Hey, it's the Muppet Show with our very special guest, our Mr.

Tom DeLuise.

It's time to get things started. Why do we keep doing this?

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational...

Mr. Dom Dalloway.

But first, we're going to open the show with our own lady of song, Miss Piggy,

because if we don't, she'll break both my arms.

So here she is now, Miss Piggy.

We had to move away, because the rent we couldn't pay.

The moving van came round just after dark.

It's a great old song.

There was

And if you happen to get your own spot on the show, well, that wouldn't hurt.

Your life's hanging on a thread, kid.

Yes, ma 'am. I'll go write some more spontaneous, sincere fan mail for you.

You know the words.

Gorgeous. Beautiful.

Modest.

Okay, tonight's guest star is Dom DeLuise, and we all know how terrific he

As a performer, he is out of...

your dressing room to change in? What?

Well, you see, my room is all filled with flowers.

You understand, don't you, my dear Dominique?

Don't my dear Dominique me.

Oh, what's wrong?

I mean, I'm the guest star on the show. Nobody seems to notice. The audience

is...

because they said the big dressing room was filled with your fan mail.

Would you get the door, Dominique?

Would I get the door? I mean, I really do not believe it.

Yes? Are you Miss Piggy? No, I'm not Miss Piggy!

Are those my roses?

Yes, they were your roses. Someone sent roses to a P .I .G.

That amuses you?

Yes. The day...

Actually, the little teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you.

And why is that? I'll tell you why.

Because... It looks more natural.

Excuse me, Miss Piggy. Hospital sketch coming up.

The continuing...

No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.

Oh, look, I have a stake in this, too, you know.

And so Dr.

Bob has taken the bull by the horn.

Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...

Gee, I didn't think it was that bad. I missed one line, but... Oh, no.

Scooter, you gonna tell me what's going on?

No, I promised.

I'll give you a raise.

The flowers are fake, the audience was paid off, I wrote the fan letters, and

Miss Piggy doesn't have another offer.

Scooter, I like your style.

Ah, hello.

Hello and welcome.

As you know, Shepard's Institute of Animal Protection has spent the last...

years protecting helpless, innocent animals, just like the ones that you see

right here. Now in the midst of our annual fundraising drive, it's time for

drive again. Excuse me, this lovely creature has to be fed occasionally,

otherwise he gets very, very irritated. Here you go. Here you go. Have a nice

little snack. All better, all better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute has only

reached its...

The sweetheart right here has to be played with occasionally, otherwise he

very irritable.

Okay.

As you can see, we care for all their needs.

If an animal has a need, we fill it.

This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally, otherwise he

gets irritable.

between you and Scooter about that offer you got from the other show?

Oh, Hermie, I am so sorry. I didn't want you to hear that.

Oh, that terrible boy.

Yeah, well, actually, I'm kind of glad that I did because I have come to a

decision that I think will make you very happy.

Oh? I've decided to let you go.

Goodbye, piggy.

I'll just go clean up my dressing room then.

Oh, that would be very nice.

have to take a pay cut.

Well, sure. I mean, you know, if you could afford to pay off the audience and

buy all those flowers and the fur and the mail and all that stuff, then I

you could.

Okay,

how come is it, you suppose, that the world doesn't know that Dom DeLuise is a

singer as well as a comedian?

Well, let us let the world find out.

May I stop for just one second? I'll tell you the truth. Piggy's backstage

she's very upset. In fact, she's miserable.

And with your permission, I'd like to bring her out.

Piggy, Piggy, come on.

Piggy, you're upset.

Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit today, right?

Dom, dom, dom.

The woman's... sometimes feel so alone alone Peggy you're not alone look at me

minute you're here I'm here us is here us is here I

mean we got us don't you understand oh I know

life is a funny thing sometimes you laugh and sing sometimes you grumble

and

either way, what do we care?

We got us.

We have our ups and downs, our share of smiles and frowns, but through it all we

don't fuck.

Why? We got a special thing going, Piggy.

We got us.

Some people like to go through their life single.

Oh, that wouldn't suit us at all. That's right.

Why sing a male has a soliloquy when it's more fun to be

I wouldn't mind this show if they just got rid of one thing. What's that? Me.