All language subtitles for The Jim Henson Hour s01e05a First Show

Hello, and welcome to the Jim Henson
Hour. We'll start out tonight with the

chase of the week, followed by the very
small swimsuit show.

Guaranteed to win, friend.

Uh, Leon, who put you in charge here?

Oh, sorry, cuz, just filling in until
you got here.

How small?

What? Leon's swimsuit show. I was just
wondering how small they were going to

be. Ixnay, Ixnay, not in front of the
aug frame.

Uh, Digit, stand by to roll the opening.

Oh, standing by.

Okay, roll the opening. Rolling the
opening.

Rolling the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Rolling the opening.

Thank you. Are you okay?

Oh, yes. It was just a scratch.

Good evening and happy Mother's Day, and
welcome to this very special Sunday

night edition of our show.

Later in the hour, we'll be seeing Miss
Piggy's Hollywood with Dudley Moore,

Justine Bateman, George Wendt, and Bob
Hope.

It's an inside look at Tinseltown, shown
to us by the lady herself.

The perfect place to shop is Rodeo
Drive!

Um,

this will do, Hug Bunny.

But before that, we go to Muppet
Central.

Now, that's the giant television control
room run by Kermit the Frog.

Kermit has just about every satellite
feed on Earth available to him, and he

plans to pick and choose the best. For
instance, I know that Bobby McFerrin is

the guest star.

Kermit, what else is happening? Oh, I'm
glad you asked. Let me show you some

highlights.

Oh, my goodness.

We've got to get this fixed.

The tapes are all queued up. The
satellite links are open. I'm over here.

Oh, and the computer is online.

Oh, good. Then I can get started, right?
No.

No? What's wrong?

Oh, that was a mistake. I meant no. It
just came out yes.

Actually, it came out no.

Oh, well, I'm experiencing a small short
circuit in my own personal electronics,

Kermit. You see, it's a minor glitch in
my voice.

And when I say no, I mean yes, and vice
versa. Well, that's terrible.

No. Is it permanent? Yes. Well, that's
good. Hey, is Bobby McFerrin's opening

number queued up on monitor 12?

No. Terrific. Cue Bobby McFerrin.

All this fly.

All this fly.

So we fly.

So we fly.

So we fly.

So we fly.

So we fly.

So the bird.

So the bird.

You're not a bugger.

Huh? You're not a bugger.

You're not a bow.

You're not a bow.

Yeah,

that's it.

Bye -bye.

Vicki, what are you doing?

Oh, I just love watching creative people
work.

What is it you do exactly?

Well, you see, there are these TV
signals from all over the universe here,

have to decide which ones to put on the
show.

Oh, and not just any old show.

I mean, as a child, I used to watch The
Muppet Show all the time.

We don't need to go into that. Of
course, I don't remember much. I was so

Vicki, please.

But my daycare center just loved the
bear who told the jokes.

Vicki, work now.

Yes, sir. Going. Great.

Digit. Yes.

Digit, are you ready to cue the nature
documentary?

Yes. But that's terrible.

Why?

Because when you say yes, you mean no.

No, no, no. I fixed my voice relay.

And now your motor reflexes are shorting
out?

You know me too well.

Well, can you just cue the documentary?

Well, I can if I can find the button.

Oh, I know.

Here. in the forest glade, different
species coexist in a delicate web of

interdependence. Yes, the subtle balance
of the woodland scene is a vivid

example of a society living in harmony
with itself.

Yet in nature's university, we gain a
new reverence for life.

Sorry.

That was brutal and destructive.

And the ratings were fantastic.

What ratings?

Well, as soon as things got really
violent, the whole world was watching

show. Oh, that's good.

That's bad. Or it's too bad that it was
good.

Isn't there anything anybody likes
watching other than violence?

Yes! There is one other thing that
people go for in a really big way.

Thurl, shut it!

Oh!

Actually, Kermit, it was my idea.

Ah! We've got out of here!

Get out, out, out, everybody!

I'm going to get to the bottom of this
raiding business.

Vicki? Yes, sir? Vicki, would you
explain this whole system here? Oh,

Well, you see, figures from all over the
world pour into Muppet Central.

Now, these charts indicate which people
are watching according to groups.

Men, women, youth, retirees, black,
brown, yellow, green.

Thank you. You're welcome.

College graduates, blue -collar workers,
and a Mr. Harry Stapleton. Oh, yeah.

Hi there.

These charts are fascinating, but why
are they all falling?

Oh. Well, viewers hate watching people
talk about charts.

Did you?

What have we got that we could cut to?
It's a yuppie drama about a young

couple. What's it called?

Hurting something.

Worth a shot.

I mean, I don't see why I can't be a
confident, successful executive and

be a woman.

That's better.

And underneath your polished corporate
exterior, I know there's a frightened

little boy just dying to get out.

Anthony?

Hmm?

Never mind.

I'm going to take a bath.

Okay, honey.

Sure thing, honey.

Fern? Fern, what's going on?

It's one of those things in the tub.

Oh, it's a nasty one.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah, it looks like one of those big
city brokers.

Oh, it's disgusting.

Quick, wash it down the drain.

Now, Fern, you know it's bad luck to
kill one. I'll just, uh, oh, catch it in

this and then put it outside.

Come here, little fella.

Gotcha.

Can I look yet?

Actually, on second thought, I think
it's only a common lawyer.

Oh, look at its legs.

How do you suppose it got in here?

Oh, probably through a loophole.

Oh, it tickles.

Yuck. How can you stand to touch it?

Oh, don't be such a little girl.

Look, here.

It won't hurt you. Stop it. Oh, wait a
minute. Where'd he go? Looks like he got

away. Whoa, there he is. Anthony, please
just take it away.

Oh, okay.

I'll just put you outside where you
belong.

There you go.

You'll be safe in the bushes.

No! Bruno! Leave him alone!

Stay! Good boy.

Well, it wasn't funny.

It was only teasing.

Teasing? Teasing is just a way of
trivializing my fears at a time in my

when I am trying to work through them.

I was being insensitive.

There's Bruno.

He wants to come in.

What do you say?

Just this once.

Oh, yes.

Oh, there you go. Come on up. Come on
up.

How are the ratings on that, Vicki?

Well, sir, we had the whole West Coast
and Mr.

Harry Stapleton.

These demographics are really tough. I
don't know what to put on.

Curb it up here.

Oh, hi, Bean. I brought a balloon with
me. Say hello to Mr.

Balloon. You see, we hired Bean to be
cute, so the rest of us don't have to

bother. Aw, you didn't say hello to him.
Now you hurt his feelings.

Uh, Bean, balloons do not have feelings,
so just go. Shoo, shoo, shoo.

Bye -bye!

Oh, that's the last thing I need. You
know, this reading thing is really kind

of... Wow, look at those ratings. Those
are the best we've ever had.

Oh, uh, uh, Bean!

Bean, come back, Bean!

Listen, after these messages, we'll be
back with a lot of great funny sketches

and some neat songs and maybe some sex.

What? Well, just a little sex. But all
of it starring Bean Bunny.

Oh, brother.

The Jim Henson Hour will return after
these messages.

Whoa, look at those ratings.

Fantastic.

I guess you people really love
commercials.

Oh, hi, Kermit. Any luck?

No, I couldn't find Bean Bunny anywhere.

Telephone! Oh, I'll get it.

Hello, Muppet Central, the great Gonzo
speaking.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

Good grief, what just happened to the
ratings?

Just a minute.

It seemed to happen when I said Miss
Piggy.

Boy, we could really use her right now.
Well, why don't we?

Oh, you see, Piggy gave up television to
pursue her career as a famous Hollywood

film star.

I know that.

Mm -hmm. Well... No messages for you,
and nobody wants to talk to you, Miss

Piggy. Wait a second. I do. Let me have
the phone now.

Hello, Piggy? This is Kermit, the fraud.

Oh, Kermit, darling, how is the show
doing, dear?

Well, actually, at the moment, not
terrific.

We could use a little boost in the
rating.

Would you like to be on the show?

Kermit, I am working on a documentary,
but it's not quite ready yet. All right.

Can't we run your Hollywood show now?

didn't she? She did not dump me. We
didn't have the kind of relationship.

Somebody's jamming our signal.

Well, can you stop it? Yes and no.

Oh, I get it.

Now we're on.

Okay,

this is Gorilla Television, and we're
transmitting to you from a top secret

location. Unlike the commercial mush
you've been watching, we bring you stuff

the networks were afraid to put on the
air.

Chip, pan over.

Okay, is that wide enough?

This is Mark Wiener. Hi. And I'm Rocco.
And this is Rocco. Shut up,

Wiener. This guy knows what it's like to
be on the streets with nowhere to go. A

man who decided to become an entertainer
so that the little children could hear

the political message he carries.

Right. And yet you resist the lure of
commercial success.

I'll pass.

As represented by Jim Henson and his
ilk. Oh, hold on right there. You know,

think Jim Henson's great.

What a wuss.

Lighten up, Rocco. Why don't you just do
your act?

Shut up.

So I can begin now? You keep out of this
one here.

Oh, sorry.

Which camera? Come on. This one here.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, the great
Rocco, will now transmit myself

via satellite from...

The red box.

Two. The blue box. And back again.

This trick has only been done once.

And the guy died.

Twenty years later.

I am now stepping into the red box.

One. Two.

Three. I am now in the blue box.

And one, two, three. I'm back, ladies
and gentlemen. Thank you.

That was really like East German.

You don't see that on primetime.

Hey, wait a minute. That was terrible.

Shut up, wiener.

Listen to me, you little fool.

I've had about enough of this. And you
are going to listen to me and do

everything that I command you to.

Do you hear me? And you will give me the
respect that I deserve.

Hey, let go of him, you fascist.

Are you crazy?

Don't you realize how very dangerous it
is to wake up someone under hypnosis?

I was levitating. I could have been
killed.

Look, Squirt, I was only trying to
defend you. Squirt, are you calling me a

squirt? Let's see what kind of man you
are.

Can't you shut him up? Shut me up. This
is Gorilla Television

signing off.

Thank goodness we're back.

But you know, Digit, this monitor is
still broken. Did you call maintenance?

No. What?

Oh, I get it. You're saying no when you
mean yes again. Yes? No.

Did you call for maintenance?

No. Yes. He meant yes.

Oh, hey, Kermit. The Muppets are in
production today, huh?

Well, we're trying to be, Lindbergh, but
this monitor needs to be fixed. Oh,

yeah. The Model 14s always do that. It
just takes a tiny adjustment.

Now, wait a second.

Digit, is that a good idea?

Yes. Sure, this guy knows repair.

No, you don't understand. He's got a
malfunction.

Oh, okay, we'll take care of him in a
minute. Here goes.

I don't believe it. He fixed it. Now,
Digit, you're next. No, no. Yes, yes.

please, yes.

Do you believe these show people?

Wait a second.

Yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Digit. Are you all right?

Yes, I'm... Kermit, I'm fixed.

Next time, you'll know how to do it
yourself.

Oh, look, it's Bobby McFerrin. Cue
Bobby.

Hi, I'm Bobby McFerrin, and tonight I'll
be reading the amusing news aided by an

interpreter for the totally unhip.

Seems like there was some kind of
earthquake today.

On the tiny tropical island of... What
was it?

Bee -gee -wee -gee.

Oh, the quaking and shaking lasted for
only a few minutes.

Nobody was hurt.

But it took four days to clean up all
the coconuts.

Good old Bobby. I bet that'll make the
rating charts go up. Forget the charts,

Mr. Kermit. Waldo's got a great idea.

Really? What is it, Waldo?

I've just invented something that'll
make that rating system hold hat.

Waldo, must you do that?

Well, he's a computer graphic, but he's
very sensitive about it.

I tell you, that rating system you've
been using is a dinosaur.

But welcome to...

The cutting edge.

Careful.

Waldo.

Waldo, will you cut that out?

Sorry, nervous habit.

Okay, I'm going into the computer.

Vicki, you tell the frog here what it is
we're doing.

Vicki, tell the frog what it is we're
doing. Okay, well, come over here and

show you.

We call it the responsomatic.

You see, Waldo is fixing the computer so
that it will instantly adapt our

programming to what the viewers want.

Wait a second. Picking out programs is
my job.

Oh, so that's what you do.

Anyway, the responsomatic will do all
that using up to the second ratings.

Now, you see, it starts in the soap
opera mode.

Don't worry, darling.

As soon as your sister realizes that you
weren't the one who sabotaged the

brakes on your mother's wheelchair, I'm
sure she'll return.

Oh, if only I hadn't left her on top of
that hill.

What was that?

Oh, well, sir, that was a ratings alarm.

The data indicates that viewers are not
keen on soap operas and are more

interested in game shows.

So what happens?

Watch.

That was mom all over. We just heard
from your sister. She's in Sydney.

Sydney? But that's in Australia.

That's right.

Sydney is located in Australia.

Now, for 20 points, what request did
Oliver North make of President Reagan?

Pardon me?

Exactly right!

You're our new champion!

Let's meet our next challenger.

He's Fred Dorfman from Oak Park,
Michigan.

Fred, tell us about yourself.

Well, Bob, I'm... In pursuit of a 10 -14
northbound on Elm. My partner

is returning fire.

I am.

The gun. Pick up the gun.

What do I need a gun for?

That's why.

Cover me.

Cover you? With what?

I don't understand.

You mean you don't understand why you
have violated Federation territory?

Captain, the Saturnian ship has just
armed its ray gun.

So, it's battle you want?

Well, yes.

I mean... Hold it. Wait. Stop.

will. Vicki, we can't have a machine
decide what's going to be on our show.

Listen to the frog. He's right.

Oh, thank you. I mean, like right now at
the end of the show, what we need is a

nice, happy, rousing, warm musical
number with the whole Muppet family.

But we don't have anything prepared.

I thought it might come to this. There's
a little something I've worked out.

Well, what's that, Bean?

La Bamba!

La Bamba?

I'm not a sailor.

I'm not a sailor. I'm a captain.

I'm a captain.

Bamba, bamba. Bamba, bamba.

Yeah, something like that could work.

The Jim Henson Hour will return after
these messages.

So here we are ready for the second half
of our show.

You look very cool in those.

I'm sure nobody's going to recognize
you.

It took me a long time to get him to
wear them, but it only seems right

we're going to Hollywood.

After all, it's always best to do what
the natives do.

So now that we're ready, let's take a
look at Miss Piggy's Hollywood.

Piggy presents a Miss Piggy production.

The Miss Piggy concept.

Miss Piggy Hollywood.

Monday on Channel 5, the woman behind
the historic case that legalized

and tore the nation apart.

Roe vs.

Wade, Monday at 8 on Channel 5.

Then at 10, meet the real Jane Roe. Find
out why she's searching for the

daughter she's never seen, and meet the
attorneys that fought on both sides of

this controversial case.

Channel 5 News at 10 after Roe vs. Wade,
Monday.

You're able to make the puppeteers
invisible, and you'll have to figure

out for yourself.

So, what do you think of it, Lion?

He scared me right out of my feet.

I forgot. Cats never like dogs.

That's all for tonight. We'll see you
next time.

Tomorrow night, here's Alfie in a
Tonight Show spoof with Ed McMahon, Rich

Little, and Dr. Joyce Brothers on a
special one -hour elf.

And Wednesday night, he's a time
traveler facing incredible danger in

new adventure series, Quantum Leap. It's
a sci -fi fling, says the Hollywood

Reporter. A blast to the past and back,
says the Washington Post.

Leap into action Wednesday with Quantum
Leap.