Original subtitles

The guest star channel is standing by. The opening number is queued up on

monitor four.

Fozzie Bear is on monitor seven, and the do -it -yourself network is showing how

to wax a mouse.

Sounds fabulous, but you can shut it all down. What? We don't need them.

Tonight's special, it's Muppet Night at the Movies!

Hi there, and welcome to our show.

Did you ever see one of those old paintings of a bunch of dogs sitting

playing cards?

Well, that inspired us to create a whole city of dogs based on the style of the

gangster movies of the 30s and 40s. We call it Dog City.

Now, from the creators of Platypus Junction, Cow World, and Village of

comes an action film only one word can describe.

Presenting Dog City.

You have a crazy cat, I know. You see suspense.

Violence.

More violence.

Don't do a hoop for a quarter, sir.

Catch a frisbee for a dime, ma 'am.

Dog City, the world's first scratch and sniff gangster film. Beg to see it. I

love it. Makes no sense whatsoever.

So make sure your dog is watching and settle back for a Muppet night at the

movies.

Okay, Kermit, I've shut down all the satellite links except for our feature

channel and this one. Oh, what's that?

The old dog network.

The shows are all dogs?

No, the audience is all dogs. It seemed appropriate since our movie is called

Dog City.

Well, thank you, Digit, but we don't need it.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to sit back and watch the movie.

Mr. Kermit! Mr. Kermit, the film is lost!

What? Don't attack me!

Vicki, I'm not attacking you. Well, they told us in film school that you stars

are given to uncontrollable rages.

Vicki, listen.

I'm merely surprised, not to mention panicked.

to hear that the film is not here.

Go look, Kermit! Yes, sir!

They're starting to like the Old Dog Network, right? I like it. I love it.

Cueing.

The Old Dog Network now leaves the air so you can all switch over to Kermit the

Frog and watch his great movie, Dog City.

Terrific. Big help.

Digit, isn't there anything else on the air? You're in luck, Kermit. On the

Feature Film Channel, they're about to run a preview of my new movie.

You made a movie?

Yep. Better than nothing.

It's Bean Bunny in his first full -length feature.

Hi, everybody.

Our little Bean finds himself in a real jam this time when Evil McBad hatches a

plan that isn't very nice.

I'm going to rid the world of cuteness and I'll begin with the biggest pile of

cuteness of them all.

bunny.

Uh -oh. Looks like our favorite bunny is going to be in real trouble.

But it all works out. And along the way, there'll be some new bean songs that

your heart will be singing for years.

Sometimes it's hard to be so cute.

Sometimes I just don't give a hoot.

But then I give my whistle a toot.

And I'm cute.

Coming soon to your neighborhood theater.

Bean Bunny and the Cuteness Thief.

Sorry, me, Bean Bunny.

Hey, put that back on.

I'm sorry, Bean. My circuits were starting to corrode from too much

You didn't even wait to see the second preview.

That one is only half of an all -Bean double feature.

Well, I don't think I could take it. Oh, no, no, you'd love it. The second one

goes against my image.

Well, I don't know. I'm going to have to think this over.

Rage has a new voice.

Revenge has a new face.

Bean Bowl.

Now, cute has learned to kill.

Kind of a whole new image, huh? I can slash and burn and still be adorable.

Vicki! Vicki, where's our film?

Maybe it's in the refrigerator.

Kermit, the all -dog network is back on the air.

I'll take it. Oh, yes.

Well, it seems that Kermit the Frog has gone back on his promise to show... that

film classic, Dog City.

I have not. It's just a delay.

However, we've obtained some behind -the -scene glimpses of the making of Dog

City.

Okay, cut. Five minutes, everybody, then we'll do it for real.

The professional stunt dog, a vital player whose role is all too often

overlooked. But what about the dog behind the makeup?

How you doing? Excuse me, but aren't you a cat?

Yeah, that's right, I'm a cat. Most of the stunt dogs in this business are

Is that such a surprise?

So the dogs know you're a cat. Doesn't that cause any problems?

Yeah, we need separate dressing rooms.

No, seriously, this whole cats and dogs thing is a myth. We're professionals.

Oh, excuse me, it's magic time.

Yeah, we're doing the hammer scene now. Right over there. All right, let me just

get my face on here.

Okay, let's rock and roll.

Can you see out of there? Not really. Just give me a moment here. Action.

you very much. I'll just... Cut.

What's the matter, little kitty cat?

Did we hit you too hard with this little hammer?

I'm fine, fine.

I love my work.

I'm just fine.

Is that you, Mom?

Later that day, we had a chance to witness more of the stunt cat's

Okay, guys, just one question. Is the mattress right below me?

Oh, yeah.

It's right below you now.

Okay, action.

I'm okay.

Woof.

The final stunt of the day was the most spectacular of all.

And though our cameras were not there to record it, we can tell you it involves

a giant steamroller.

Oh, what was that? Was that okay for everyone?

We can go again if you want.

I'm fine.

Really.

Rock and roll.

Well, behind the scenes, I'm Rover Cleveland.

Anybody have a bicycle pump?

Well, that killed some time. Yes. Didn't do the cat much good either.

Here it is, Mr. Kermit. I found it. Oh, good. Where was it? It was in the film

library.

Really? Yeah. It'll just take me a minute to thread the projector.

Oh, great. A minute. Digit, what do we go to for a minute?

Oh, uh, well... Oh,

oh, of course.

We'll be back with Dog City right after this.

Everybody wants to go down.

Everybody wants to go.

We see the moon, we hear the howl. Stance the creatures on the prowl. If

glean much, we've looked that kill.

What's it thinking of? Well, then it probably will.

Top city. Everybody wants to go. Top city.

Everybody in the know.

Put your glad rags on. Bring lots of dough.

Hurry up, bro. Everybody wants to go.

You know the rules.

No cash, no kibble.

What's the cat of the day? Persian.

Longhairs make you cough, Rusty. We'll just split a diet tabby. Got it.

One diet tabby.

Well, this is it. Dog City, where the dogs are raining and the cats are

Yep, around here it's dog eat dog. Things can get pretty rough. Rough?

Inside joke.

Yep, you had to watch your tail back in the 1930s. Oh, that's 13 ,510 in dog

years.

Oh, they love me here.

Now, this is a tune from my new album, Songs in the Key of Arf.

Arf!

When a stranger walks in, every dog in the police smells trouble.

About five to be.

Personally, I'd say it smells more like mild consternation. Trouble has kind of

an acrid smell. Shut up!

Thanks,

but this stranger was none other than our hero, Ace You.

That's Ace You, get it?

Boy, if that isn't a setup for a gag, I don't know what is.

Are you Bubba the bartender?

Maybe. Who wants to know?

I'm you.

You're me?

No, you. Why you?

Why I?

Look, it's simple. You is me.

You is you?

Right. So who is me?

Oh, who is you?

Pleased to meet you, who?

Now I'm confused.

But you used to be who? What? Call me Ace. Look, Ace, don't play games with

Hold on.

It's all right here, you see?

Hey, come on. Do I look dumb enough to pull out a gun in a place like this?

Ask a stupid question.

What?

Sorry, folks. In dog talk, that's what we call chasing a shtick.

Look, it's the deed to this place. I inherited it from my Uncle Harry.

I'm the new owner. Let me see that.

Oh, hey, Shoo.

Good night.

Old Harry was your uncle.

He never said nothing about family.

Why'd he leave the doghouse to you?

I was hoping you'd tell me. I didn't even know I had an Uncle Harry.

Tell me, Bubba, how... How... How...

In what manner did he die?

Police said it was an accident.

Said he put on a lead swimsuit by mistake and then accidentally stabbed

on the way off the roof.

Hey, that's enough.

But the real story is it was them.

Harry wouldn't pay them the profits from the doghouse, so them got angry.

You mean they got angry? Why should they get angry? It was Bugsy that killed

them. Bugsy who?

No, Bugsy them.

Oh, now I'm confused.

But you used to be you. Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Bugsy them.

That's right, folks.

Yet another cheap joke name.

Bugsy's such a major gangster, they print the same newspaper story every

and you just fill in the crimes.

Yeah, Bugsy then owns every kibble in every bit of Dog City.

Either you cough up your profits, or you'll be coughing up seaweed like your

Uncle Harry.

Yeah, he's right, eh? I'd pay up if I were you.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're not me, because I'm you, and you don't care what them

wants, get it?

No, not really.

Oh, what I mean is, whether Bugsy them likes it or not, the profits from this

place are going to build a quarter way home for the orphans. You mean a half

home? One step at a time, Bubba.

Bugsy them's sure going to be ticked off when he hears about this.

Yeah, but what if he doesn't hear about it? Oh, he'll hear about it, all right.

But what if he doesn't? Oh, he will, all right. But what if he doesn't? Oh, he

will, all right. But what if he doesn't? Oh, he will, all right. Looks like the

scene's stuck. I better get us out of here. Oh, he will, all right.

The dog house has a new owner that wants to start an eighth -way house with more

money. For crying out loud, Bugsy, sit still, can't you?

Besides, he said a quarter -way house.

He'll never get that far.

There we go, Bugsy. All done.

Let me see.

Not bad, not bad.

Look at that tail. Ain't that something? Come on, come on, wake up.

You're supposed to say, oh, yeah, Bugsy. Yours is... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's enough. You're too kind.

It's not that I'm in a hurry.

Scruffy, Mad Dog, Laughing Boy, get in here.

Oh, tail looks

great, boss.

Yeah, boss, it's immense, like a tail of two setters. Get it? Setters. All

right, thank you, you mangy mutts.

What was that for, boss? Nothing.

It's totally pointless.

That's the way I operate, see?

Senseless violence got me where I am today, and don't you forget it.

See this?

Gorgeous, ain't it?

Belonged to my dear departed mother.

I remember the last thing she said to me with tears in her eyes. She said, give

back my face, you little thief.

Senseless.

Come on, let's go see this new dog in town.

Mad Dog, get my coat.

My coat. Get my coat.

Come on, dog.

What are you doing?

Down, boy. Down, boy.

Heel. Heel.

Heel. Sit.

Sit. Stay.

Why, I ought to.

I mean, 14 years in obedience school and dumb as a brick.

I'd smack you, but it wouldn't be senseless enough.

Come on, let's go.

Move it. Come on.

Let's go, everybody. Come on. Get going. Come on.

Oh, he will, all right. But what if he doesn't? Oh, he will, all right. But

if he doesn't?

Oh, my little friends.

How good to see you all.

I trust everyone is well.

Noses cold and wet.

Told you he'd hear about it. But what if he didn't?

So, you must be you.

That's right.

I'm you.

Coincidence. I'm them.

Now that's trouble.

Allow me to introduce my associates.

Mad Dog, Laughing Boy, Scruffy.

Don't mind him. He's got a nervous tick.

And of course, my lovely personal assistant.

Bugsy's mall is so beautiful, dogs drool at just the sound of her name.

Miss Bell.

Pleased to meet you. I'm sure.

Now, Ace, as new owner of the doghouse, I trust you're aware of the financial

obligations your job entails.

Forget it, Bugsy. You get nothing from me.

All my profits are going to charity.

Fine. From now on, you'll donate everything you earn to the Keep Bugsy

Fund.

What's that?

Part of the Silly Tales Society?

Get him!

What?

You shouldn't want to poke fun at people.

That's bad.

You're a bad dog.

Three's the limit. Anything more would be senseless.

Bad dog!

Bad dog!

That's a warning, you.

Dog City belongs to them, and that's me. Get it?

Mad dog, get the car.

Drive safely.

Don't you worry about it.

Now, dog, let go of the car.

I'm calling an obedience call for a rebate. Now get in, will you?

I don't get it, Ace.

You didn't even fight back. How can you take a beating like that?

You see, Bubba, there's a lot you don't know about me. Why I hate violence. Why

I won't fight.

You see, the truth is, I used to be a shepherd.

No problem.

Yeah, so?

So you were a shepherd. Big deal. You sit around and bark at sheep all day.

Bark? Bark?

Oh, sure. You bark at first.

Till one day, you bark, they laugh.

Ever hear a sheep laugh?

It's a mean, evil laugh.

Till one day, you get a bat.

And sure, sure, the bat works fine. For a while, then they start to laugh at the

bat. So, you get a gun.

And sure, sure, the gun works fine. Fine!

For a while, you know they say, a sheep's eyes can stare right through a

dog.

Sheer hell.

Well, when they started talking about landmines, I knew it was time to get out

of the shepherd business.

I guess now you turn to me expecting a sheep joke.

Thank you.

Look, Ace, nobody's going to blame you if you pay Bugsy the money, but we're

in this thing together.

Thanks, Bubba, but I won't give in to violence.

Let Bugsy do his worst.

We'll stick together, huh?

No matter how cruel and how mindlessly painful the consequences!

Good night, Ace. There's horse chunks in the fridge if you get hungry. See you

tomorrow.

instincts. Before you sleep, turn once around or else you'll wake up in the

pound. That's dumb.

Silly old dog's tail.

But why take chances?

You're going to fry me to death?

Well, I... I... Aye, aye, aye.

You sound like Carmen Moran Dog's houseboy.

Is this your idea of a night out?

You dress up in your jammies and your terrorized back alleys with a kitchen

utensil? Well, I heard noises.

Hang on a second, sister. I'll ask the questions. What's a dame like you doing

out here this late at night?

Well, spatula boy, if you must know, I'm grocery shopping.

Grocery shopping?

In this dump?

Well, hey, I got a lot of food inside.

There's a meaty mixture, a beefy banquet, a horsey harvest, kidney

No, thanks.

Whatever you're cooking smells too hot for my taste.

Cooking? I'm not... Oh, my dog!

Quick,

where's the nearest hydrant? No time for that now. Can't you see we've got a

fire to fight?

Dog City Fire Department, speak.

This is Ace at the doghouse. Fire, fire.

This is fire station.

Water, water.

I called the fire department.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to... Oh, my name's Colleen. Colleen Barker.

Ace. Ace, you.

Oh, sounds like you're catching cold, Ace.

What's that?

Oh, it's a traditional Pekingese thing. Funny. You don't look Pekingese. I'm

not. I'm an orphan.

Oh, I shouldn't have laughed.

I was raised by a kindly Pekingese couple, Mr. and Mrs.

Howie Yu.

Hmm. I guess you don't remember your real parents.

Not really.

Except I have this one image, like a dream. I'm in my crib, and there's this

fuzzy blob above me.

My dad, I guess. And then there's this little duck.

Your mother?

No, it was a toy or a puppet. The fuzzy blob would wave it in my face and say,

cluck, cluck, cluck, I'm a little duck. His name was Quackers.

Aw, you poor thing.

Alone in the world with no one to love, no one to call your own. I know how it

feels. Really?

You were an orphan, too?

Sort of. My folks are accountants.

Well, I guess we both had it pretty tough.

That's why I'm going to build a place to handle tomorrow's troubled pups. And I

don't care what Bugsy them says.

Bugsy? Oh, I should have known.

Oh, I'd like to roast him and his tail on a spit and... Colleen, that's

terrible. I know, and it would smell awful. But if I could just give him one

good belt in the chops... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Look.

What is it? Oh, my dog, is it... Quackers. Oh.

Ace, on his first, uh, seventh birthday, love Harry, your real dad?

Done, done, done, done.

Done, done, done, done?

Oh, I see. It's a music cue.

Colleen, do you realize what this means?

Uh, that Harry was the blob?

Uh -huh. And that means Bugsley them killed my real father.

Done, done, done, done.

my good luck duck, you know.

Hey, it's nice out here. Yeah, I figured it might take your mind off the way

Bugsy killed your real father.

Snuffed him out like a match. Took his life and crushed it between his paws

dirt. Forget it, Carlene. I refuse to fight him. I won't use force.

Oh, sure.

And a subject.

But if it were me and that fat tub of lard squeezed the last breath out of my

pop, chewed him up and spit him out like cheap tobacco, well, I'd... I'd...

Grab him by the strut of his neck and I... Perfect.

The fire was a complete failure.

What a senseless waste of time.

Brilliant. But now, my friends, it is time for us to put our ace in the hole.

Don't you agree?

You thick -headed twit. Here, take a good look.

Now you see him?

I'll make it very simple for you. Just one word.

Sickle.

I took Gar right up his... Hey, I thought we weren't going to talk about

know I'm not going to do anything violent.

Well, what are you going to do then, Ace? Well, what can I do? I can't fight,

but I won't sit still for it either.

You won't what?

Sit, sit.

But, Egg, if you don't fight, he'll kill you, just like he killed your dad.

Like father, like son, huh?

Oh, don't say that, Ace. Sell the doghouse. Get out now while you still

No, I've made up my mind. I'm going to stay.

You're going to what?

Stay, stay.

No dog's going to make me beg.

Maybe I just don't understand you, you.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm just another half -Pekingese German ex -shepherd.

with a cheap gag name and a hat full of dreams.

You see, the way I see it, I'm trying to fight Bugsy the only way I know how.

I mean, I'm not just going to roll over.

But I've got strong convictions.

Frankly, they're pretty hard to shake.

I don't know, Ace. It's just I don't want anything to happen to you.

And as an old Pekingese saying, Colleen, he who lives by the truck dies by the

highway. I don't know, that sounds kind of fishy.

Kind of what?

Fishy, fishy.

Oh, fishy.

I thought you said far -fetched.

Far -fetched? Yeah, far -fetched.

You're an odd kalooka, you.

So I've been told.

What'll it be?

Hearty heart?

Palomino platter? For a good -looking dog like you, it's on the house.

Um, no thanks.

If I want free doggy bags, I'll try the Dalmatian Army.

How about if I sing for my supper?

Sounds good.

What are

you kidding?

My real name is Ralph Blind Jelly Dealer.

I don't want

to be a dog's best friend, but I can't make...

I want to be a dog's best friend.

Looking for a dog, but I don't know what kind.

I can take or leave retrievers, and the huskies leave me cold.

Pointers I find pointless, and hound dogs look so old.

Dobermans, oh, pinch ya.

for a canine nine -to -five.

Don't care if he's a big dog. I don't care if he's rich. He'll be my ever

-loving puppy.

And I'll just be here.

Welcome to family programming, folks.

Walked all over Afghans. Hairy sheepdogs aren't all there.

And as if you hadn't guessed, I think great Danes...

tonight or I'll spray paint her teeth, glue her ears together, and tie a knot

her tongue.

Twice.

Colleen's been kidnapped by Bugsy.

It's time we stood together and showed them what we're made of. Huh? He can't

kill all of us.

Quackers, either I fight him or Bugsy will hurt Colleen.

But what if he doesn't?

Oh, he will, all right. But what if he doesn't? Oh, he will, all right. But

if he doesn't? And so our hero, forced to choose between his principles and the

dog he loves, is reduced to talking to a hand puppet.

What will they think of next?

I know a guy who knows the rider.

H gets killed in the next scene and Colleen runs off with a duck and a hang

glider.

Normally I'd argue, folks, but my mother always told me to let sweeping dogs

lie.

Thank you.

Wait for it. Oh, wait for it. Not until we say the word.

A nice crispy biscuit for the little doggie.

Doesn't it smell good?

And how's our little song, boy?

from such a lovely lady. What a waste.

Don't kid yourself, Tootsie. I know her type.

Always looking down and snot at you like she's something special.

I've seen you doing tricks on street corners, girl.

Jump through a hoop for a quarter, sir.

Catch a frisbee for a toy, ma 'am.

Pisms want the little biscuit.

Ow! Why, you! That's my name.

So you.

That's you.

Let her go, then. This is between me and you. And a dog named Boo.

Did you bring the 10 ,000 bones?

The money's for the orphans, Bugsy. All you get is meat. I'm sorry to hear that,

Ace. You forced me to do senselessly violent things to your face.

I figured that. But I warn you, I'm a pink bow in the ancient Pekingese art of

wayayata.

What's this? You're going to scamper me to death?

You're going to prance until I beg for more seats?

All right, but I warn you.

Why, I ought to. Why, I ought to. Why, I ought to. Hey, send

for it. What the? Hey, get her.

Why, I ought to.

Would you prefer to be sliced, diced, or julienned fried?

Dog and Scruffy get to experiment with your bone structure.

Ready, boys?

What is this, a retirement tunnel? Come on, get the car.

Let's move.

All right, let's go.

In this car chase, better be senseless.

You saved my hide again. Thanks.

You saved mine first, you crazy lug.

Oh, you'll never guess who's tailing us.

Hang on. I'm going to give these drool buckets a tour of Dog City they'll never

forget.

I always wanted to take my act.

Symphony at 8.

something straight or misplaced, as in, I've lost my kerchief. Might you have

seen it?

Also, failure to win, as in, Denise has lost a tennis match. Now Sandra is

champion.

make him slink. Not without a lead swimsuit, that is.

Get it?

Hold it right there, Missy. Try looking down your snout at a 38 -dog manic for a

change. Well, you, looks like you reached the end of your leash.

Ah, you don't scare us.

You and your inbred buddies and your stupid tail can go sit and spin on a

scooper for all we care.

I think what she's trying to say is, look, a giant tail -eating reptile. Oh,

come on, you don't expect me to fall for that? old trick. No, I guess not. But

you might fall for this.

Hold it right there, Mr. Smutty Pants. Hey, Belle.

How's trick?

You're gone.

Colleen, come on.

Hey, no fair.

You cheated. Come back here.

Come and get us, fathead.

Darn it. This is hardly senseless at all.

Guess what I'm going to do?

Now I got you. Hey, Mr. Goofy tail, over here.

What's that? A duck?

That's more like it. That's really stupid.

Over here, broomstick bum.

Duck hunting on the docks with Bugsy down.

I love it. Makes no sense whatsoever.

I say we rip it off.

Here, let me look at it.

Ace, watch out.

So long, you.

Doggone.

Well, this looks like the end of Bugsy then.

He's all yours, officer.

Good job, you.

We'll take it from here.

That's the end of his tale, but it doesn't have to be the end of ours. Yes,

you're right.

Colleen? Hmm?

Will you marry me? Will you be Mrs.

You? Oh, are you kidding? You don't know how often I've dreamed of the day when,

when, when I'm calling you.

Hey, why, I ought to.

Don't slug me. I'm only the piano driver.

I just came to give you a lift back to the reprise. Hop on.

Looks like we can build that 15th, 16th way home for orphans after all. Sure

thing, sweetie.

And like my mom used to say, if you defer the payments into tax -sheltered

annuities, you can still amortize the interest to premium rates.

Welcome to...

Case and Colleen got married and lived happily ever after.

At least up until their place was ransacked and burned to the ground by a

marauding band of renegade sheep.

You know, I knew a dog once named Jeff.

Hated sheep so much he used to hunt them down and eat them.

Folks called him Mutton Jeff.

Now that's a dog joke.

I hope you enjoyed Dog City. We had a great time making it.

I didn't like the ending.

Well, I can believe that.

Anyhow, that's our show for tonight.

Come back next week for more fun and adventure.

More dog?

Well, I can't really promise that.

Anything else would be...