All language subtitles for Real Husbands s01e01 Easy Bake Kevin

They want the CIC.

Oh, God.

I sell a bad bitch, do whatever I say.

Ain't nobody f***ing with my clique,
clique, clique, clique. This past year

been unbelievable for me. I dropped a
hit comedy DVD entitled Laugh At My

All right, all right, all right.

I've been selling out arenas all over
the world, from London to Tokyo.

Do y 'all know how they say all right,
all right, all right in Japanese?

Me either, but I know the difference.

My movie, Think Like a Man, that tore up
the box office.

Number one, baby.

I hosted the VMAs. I even beat out
Denzel for the BET Best Actor Award.

Yeah, then.

Nothing can erase the smile off my face.

Because right now, I am this.

You know, before my daddy got on drugs,
he once told me that for every boss,

there's a hundred wannabe bosses.

I had no idea that those wannabe bosses
would be my boys. I guess that's what

happens when you're on top.

Welcome to my world, baby.

I'm talking about real life, real
stories. Here I go. Real husbands of

Hollywood. Oh, they went on the grass.

No, I got you, man. Take your time,
dude.

Hey, stay in school. It's the best
choice for you.

Olive, I'm not signing them on the
grass.

What's up?

Hey, Jay. Good to see you, dude. Look at
you, boy. Funniest man in America.

Stand in there!

Hold up. Wait a minute. Look at Boris.

I'm in it. Hey!

Hey, look at you, man. You look good,
brother. I'm about to look as good as

do.

No, you won't.

Hey, Oliver, give him a picture, man.

I don't need a picture, Oliver.

Here comes the train.

Jump on the train.

What's up, dog?

Stop you right there. Oh, wow. Come on
now. That's a dope watch. You saw that?

Only the good know what I'm wearing
right now. Which one is that? Oh, come

man. This is an Omar Patel.

Hey,

I can't stay that long.

Time is money.

Got to go, baby. Hey, Oliver, make sure
you get a picture. Good to see you, cab.

Watch is fake.

Excuse me, people.

Step aside.

Mommy, I get to hear boobies.

Oliver, get him out of here.

Get him out of here. You got a code one.
Okay, cover your cheeks. Get him out of

here. Come with me. Get him out of here.
Cover your cheeks.

Can you get a balloon hat, little boy?

What? There you go.

Up top. What's a fake Jonah Hill looking
ass up out of here, man?

Get off.

Come on.

What is wrong with this dude?

When they called me and told me to bring
my babies to a little get -together,

Nick, I thought he was talking about my
other babies.

Yeah, that's the biggest laugh you done
got all year.

Oh, that's funny, Nick. Why the hell did
you tell me this was a kid's party?

I did, and apparently your kids got ass.

Well, you are something else.

What the hell is Mariah?

Why do you always hire Mariah when I
come around?

I don't. She hides herself from your
gremlin -looking ass.

She's just mad because Mimi loves
herself some Kevin.

That's right. She loves this little dim
sum cat.

That's what she does? You know she does.

When she get this house? I know she had
this house.

First off, this is my house. I bought
this house before I got married to

That's funny because I just bought a
house, too.

And it's way bigger than this.

That's why I was hoping this wasn't
Mariah's house.

You're crazy. Your house ain't bigger
than this. No, my house is bigger than

this. I'm killing this house. Let me
tell you something. If I gave you a tour

my house, it would look like this.

Kitchen. Living room.

Nick's house.

Bathroom.

That's almost funny. But you're lying.

Because I sold you your damn house. No,
you didn't. You didn't sell me my house.

I got my house from Incredible Real
Estate.

Weenie?

I don't want no damn weenie.

Stop it. You better stop it.

You better get it out of my face. I'm so
sick.

I'm so sick.

You can't see that.

Are you serious?

I'm so sick.

Yo, man, you should really get one of
those trucks.

There's money in those trucks. People
love eating bad food off those things.

JB, JB, forget about those trucks. I got
something better for you to invest your

money in. Shut up, Jake.

I was talking about investing your
money. I just started making money. Why

hell would I give my money to you?

Exactly. Shoot, I'm still looking for my
money from that five -star hotel in

Haiti. Okay, Nick, now you know we would
have been sitting on gold if Wyclef

would have won.

Hold on a second. You mean to tell me
that the entire investment hinges on a

rapper being elected for president?

You just shut the Fuji up.

Wait, dude, you don't make any sense.

Makes sense to me.

Thank you, Nelly.

What the hell is she doing? Damn,
Tiffany, what did you do?

Tiffany, what the hell is going on?
You're supposed to be watching my kids.

Where the hell are my kids at? With the
babysitter, why?

You're the babysitter, Tiffany.

Actually, I'm the nanny.

Kevin didn't hire me.

His ex -wife, my cousin, Bridget did.

So really, I'm a thot. A hood thot.

I'll take it from here.

Okay, and I'll take my $100. He'll take
your $100.

Okay, I'll take the $100 and give it to
the babysitter. I am the babysitter. The

kid's at the pool, stupid.

The kid's in the pool?

Mm -hmm.

What the hell is going on, Shay?

Look here.

I knew it. Look, guys, what would you do
if somebody put nasty stains on your

brand -new suit?

Look like a fool? Cup soda. Throw it
away.

Tell the maid. Tell no damn maid. You
put Robitussin on it. Everybody knows

that. Okay, listen. What if you could do
this?

Huh? Or this?

Huh? Or this? This is bad quality, dude.

That's not a breakaway suit, is it? Yes,
it is. Damn it, Jake.

I've been trying to find a breakaway
suit forever.

You want to do the honors?

Why? Tell me why.

Why? Man, that's a six -piece suit right
there.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

That's six damn pieces. I present to you
the latest in affordable couture,

breakaway.

I like it. You guys are deceiving me.
This is a can't -miss investment.

Everybody calm down. Let me check it.
You got me.

Let me see this.

This is not bad at all.

This is almost as nice as my Alpha
Custom clothing company, available at

worldofalpha .com.

What? Huh? You just plugged that? That's
what you just did? Huh? What do you

think? It's dumb!

Listen, guys, that's not even the best
part. This suit's only $99.

A good quality breakaway suit for $99? I
think not.

If I went to that factory, I bet I see
little Malaysian kids naked sewing those

suits together with their teeth.

What do you think? I think you should
pick the pieces up to your suit and get

the hell out of here.

Transform back.

This is the life of Hollywood.

Hey, hey, hey. Who made these nasty -ass
pies, man?

Hey, chill, chill, man. Those pies need
to go in the trash.

My brother's son Calvin made that.

Okay, well, maybe I'm tripping. Maybe my
taste buds are off.

No, no. Mm -mm. No.

No. This pie's nasty. This pie's nasty.

He's right behind you, Kevin.

Well, maybe I need to turn around and
tell Mr. Nasty Pie hello.

Oh, hey, Fat Jesus.

Let me tell you something.

Wow. This pie ain't shit. You hear me?

Not good at all. I hate you, Kevin Hart.
That's a strong word.

That's right.

I can't believe that.

Pudgy kid kicked me.

How the hell he find my nuts? He can't
even find his own yet.

There you go.

See what you did?

Saw that coming.

Nick, it's on now.

Let it go, Kev. No, he don't let it go.
Kev, let it go. He don't let it go. Say

something, Nick.

I'm about to put the paws on this little
boy, Nick. He's eight years old. I

don't give a shit.

Let me tell you something. You've grown
enough to hit a man.

You've grown enough to get handled. You
hear me?

I'm about to put the paws on him. Let me
tell you something, Calvin. You got one

more time to do something crazy, boy,
before you get the paws.

Don't let up on me.

Don't let up. Don't let up.

Don't let up.

There's two things all cannon men can
do. We can bake and we can fight. We

in the kitchen and in the ring.

After

recovering

from that attack by Nick and that 11
-year -old Rottweiler, I decided to call

bigger dog, my attorney.

The big he is what I call her.

Trina Shaw.

Sue him? You cannot sue an 11 -year -old
boy, Kevin.

You have no idea what this boy did to
me. He put the paws on me.

That's not how I heard it happen. He
kicked me in my baby stuff.

I can't have kids. I'm suing. I already
spoke with Nick, and he has agreed to

not press charges.

What do you mean Nick told you that he
would not press charges? He's being very

reasonable. Why is my attorney talking
to Nick?

Because I am also his attorney.

Because you're...

You're sleeping with the enemy, Trina?

Let's watch our verbiage, okay? Because
as we've discussed, I do not sleep with

any of my clients, okay?

Not even Boris.

Not even Boris?

Oh, this is bad.

Who else do you represent?

I represent a lot of people. No, no,
let's get the names.

Okay. Who else? Okay, fine. Besides
Nick, JB, Dwayne, Tisha, Nicole,

Nelly.

They're my friends. That's how you want
to look at it. I can't believe it.

Well, I think the one thing that we know
is that I'm the most successful client

you have.

Well, no, that would be DiCaprio.

You represent white people?

It's the only way I can afford to
represent you, Kevin.

You're on the other side.

What other side? What are you talking
about? What is the other side? Do you

who you're talking to? It's not the
other side for me, actually.

I'm saying, you know, it's kind of like
me. You know, half my clients are white,

half my clients are black. You know what
I'm saying? You're half white?

Oh, certain things we just... We just
don't mention when the contract is

being... What? That I represent people
other than you? The thing that you need

to know now is that I have a cold case
on my hands.

A case? A cold case. Against an 11 -year
-old? Do you ever watch the first 48?

A middle schooler. This is the type of
stuff that happens... A tween. Have you

seen him? He could work for Disney.

I'm going to take him for everything he
has.

That little easy -baked oven that he
has? That he cooked those nasty -ass

in? That's why the pies was cold in the
middle. Because the easy -baked oven

light bulb is strong enough to cook it.

But he would know that because he's a
little boy.

I'm a man.

I'm smart enough to see these things.

Let's say that again.

Say what again? Because he's a what?

Because he's a fat boy.

And I'm suing Nick.

That's right.

Nick is going down too.

Because he sold me a house that I didn't
know I was buying from him.

Illegal. I knew.

Consider me gone.

Me and my friends get together at my
house once a week to play a little

Why my house?

Because ever since my divorce, my house
is a white free zone.

So that doesn't bother you that we had
the same lawyer? Why? It bothers nobody.

No, not me at all. What do you mean?

I'm not going to sue you. If you were to
sue me. Why would I sue you?

But if you did, she would have to make a
choice. Look, if we got a problem,

we're supposed to work this out right
here. I threw anybody's ass. I don't

a damn about y 'all.

Who would have a problem with who,
Kevin? We're all friends.

What's the big deal? It's not about
being friends.

It's about needing legal help.

I'm here.

What up, boy? Yeah.

Woo!

Look at that. Look at that. What are you
doing?

See, I told you I'm not investing in
that little suit thing, man. I don't

no parts of it, Dwayne. It's yours,
okay? I had it custom made for you. And

know it fit because I had my son try it
on. Give me the suit.

Shake. Seriously.

That's some talk for a guy who got his
ass whooped by an 11 -year -old boy.

He told me he was nine years old.

He was a big nine. Yeah, Kevin, but he
whooped your ass over a piece of pie.

That was a piece of cake, Kevin.

That pie was good.

Will y 'all stop talking about the pie,
man? It's about what happened.

Y 'all a bunch of Mitches sometimes.

A what?

Fellas, a Mitch is a man that acts like
a bitch.

You know what I'm talking about.

You all know at least one.

If you don't know one, then you're the
Mitch.

Burn a turn.

Boom. I'm going to check, too. On you,
JB.

Who's in the driveway?

What?

Yo, who the hell is that in my driveway?

Who's that?

That's Robin Thicke. Why is Robin Thicke
in my driveway?

I invited Robin.

I mean, we needed somebody to lose, kick
Nick out.

Didn't I tell you that's why we invited
JB? No, no, no, no, no. You said that's

why we invited him. Boris asked.

I thought it was Dwayne. You told me
that hustle money can't win, so that's

you invited Nelly. It doesn't matter.

It's not about who's here to lose.

It's about the fact you're inviting
strangers to my house, man.

I don't want strange people pulling up
in my... Whoa.

Is that the girl from Mission
Impossible?

Yep, that's Robin's wife, Paula Patton.

Yo!

Paula Patton's in my driveway!

I'm about to bag it.

What is wrong with him? I don't know.

Paula Patton?

Oh, see, they don't understand.

I said I was never going to get married
again unless it was to Paula Patton or

unless it was to Mariah after she dumped
Nick.

Or wait a minute. No, I said Nicole too.

Nicole's in there.

And Tisha.

Wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no. Take
Tisha out.

Because Tisha has a crush on me.

She wants me bad.

So that's different.

I'm like, get away.

I think I like her. She got a... She
ain't a good queen.

Hey, Kevin, how you doing? Robin Thicke.
This ain't the time.

Hey! Paula!

Paula! Paula, no!

No!

Dang it!

Why would you go that fast?

She drives fast, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Where you going?

I'm here to play poker. Nelly invited
me. Nelly? I don't even know Nelly's

name, so I don't know why you would take
that invite.

Oh, you guys already have a full table,
right?

No, no, no.

This is my home.

That's why.

People don't just show up at my house,
man. So get your ride.

That's your ride? Is she coming back to
get you? Yeah, of course.

Dude, what took you so damn long?

We've been waiting all day.

I got chicken and wings. Hey, Robin's
here. Hey, guys.

You see how she didn't look back when
she drove off?

That patent is still pending.

So my snowboard hits a rock, and then I
go flying through the air. I hit a

cabin. By the time I wake up, Mick
Jagger is giving me hot chocolate. What?

way. Spiked with cognac, yeah. That's
crazy. The French house. You never know

what's going to happen.

That's crazy. Really?

Mick Jagger?

Yeah, that's great. How old is he now?
What is he, a day and a half?

What does that mean, man? What do you
mean? to me? Is it me? I'm tired of

sitting here listening to him drop a
bunch of old has -been names.

That's a good story, man. That's a great
story.

That's a hell of a story. I don't want
to talk about that. Why don't we talk

about how outdated his hair is? Whoa,
come on, Kevin. This is my friend.

There's no reason to keep disrespecting
him like that.

No, but don't worry about it, Nelly. You
know what? That's pretty funny, Kevin.

You should do stand -up. I should do
stand -up?

Uh, you know I do stand -up. And you
know I'm one of the best at it.

Second best.

Second best to who?

Second best to me.

You a damn liar. I'm the first best and
you know it. You stole all my jokes.

Ew! JB, ain't nobody stealing your
spitting ass jokes. You stole my pickle

I've been doing that pickle joke for
years. That was my pickle joke first.

up, JB.

Okay, the joke go like this. All right,
I put it on my pants. You go like, ew,

look at your pickle. I go, what's the
deal?

Hmm?

Whatever, man. Play the game. It's on
you, Robin.

Sorry, guys.

Olsen twins.

Full house.

I don't know what it is tonight. I just
can't lose. What does he have? I feel

bad because I think I should give you
guys your money back.

I mean, this is getting ridiculous.

Where's Ferris Square? You take all the
money. That's you. Nope.

That's not true.

Stop that, Kevin!

Sit your blackjack ass down!

He wants Ferris Square!

This is my friend here!

Thank you, Nelly.

What's wrong with you, man?

I gotta get my cut.

What cut?

Buffalo wings, pizza, soda, beer.

Oh, there's a card right there.

Stop lying.

Acting like you know all these famous
people.

You don't know Rick Jagger.

You're going to give us the money back.

Who do you think you are, Robin Hood?

Not in my hood.

Oh, man, this is fun, guys. I got to
admit, I didn't think it would be as

fun as my normal game at Prince's house,
but it's great.

Prince? What?

The Prince?

Yeah, man. Yeah, it's going on right
now, actually.

If you could get us an invite to play at
Prince's house, I would lose it. The

game's going on right now, man.

Why don't you go play at Prince's house?

That's it. Get out.

All right, we'll go. I want y 'all to
go. Y 'all need to go over there and

Get out.

Go to Prince's house. Go over there and
play with somebody that's got purple

gloves. Let's go to Prince's house. Go.

They're the same size, only he's nicer.
Go. Go play with purple cards.

Let's do it. Let's go to Prince's house.
What should I do about the money?

Should I call you? No, no, no. I know
how much it is. I'll cut a check. No,

your ass out of my house. Don't you
touch that beer. Get out of my house.

out. Hey, man. I had a really great
time. I don't like to shake hands in my

house. I don't have any sanitizer.

Really? Yeah, really.

So, Robin, maybe you just should never
come back here.

Why are you set tripping, homie? I mean,
I thought we just had a good time.

You ain't seen set tripping.

Wow.

That's set tripping.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. All right, man. Yeah.

I hope he doesn't make you guys play
with your asses out.

Because that's how we played.

Robin thinks he can come over here and
take all my money?

Take my friend?

Take Brit?

Let me tell you something, Robin. I am
Kevin Hart.

And I'm a beast.

And you're a dove.

And this is what it sounds like when
doves cry.

I love Prince.

I should have went.

This is the life of the Hollywood.

Next week on Real Husbands of Hollywood.

How did you get Kevin to sit down with
you? I told him Paula would be here.

Where's Paula at?

Yeah, I heard some stuff about you. I
can't even believe.

It's a s*** on Tenant Fest up there!

Okay, we need to talk.

I'm about to sue Calvin, little a**, for
everything he got.

You're going down.

Up next on BET, the next generation of
weigh -ins.

Featuring Damien, the director.

Craig, the writer.

George, the honorary weigh -in. And
Maya, the assistant. A new comedy about

making it in Hollywood.

Now we Negroes in Paris. Your card got
declined. You don't know how to ball

responsibly. You already have a crazy
baby, Mommy. You want a crazy ex

-assistant, too? Damn!

All responsibly? Yeah.

Ooh, I'm going to tweet that.

Second Generation Wayans premieres next.

Following the Real Husbands of Hollywood
on BET.

Nobody's got it like we've got it.