Original subtitles

I'm gonna do my, do my... So, Lisa, I notice you and your girlfriends are

doing a lot of whispering.

Yeah. Are you talking about the big India Arif video shoot happening here

tonight? Yeah, we'll be here for that. Right now we're complaining about guys

and dating in L .A. Oh.

Oh, is anybody over there talking about the, uh, Duke Java?

Uh, no, but... We'll have a nice laugh when I tell them that you refer to

yourself as the Duke of Java.

Snooker all you want, but someday I'll share this Java kingdom with you, my

duchess.

Wait, condoms, Brianna?

Are you thinking about having a water balloon fight?

Sorry, it's just nice when she makes fun of someone else for a change.

Well, at least Brianna.

has the option of using these.

And we're back.

So, Brianna, are you seriously thinking about doing it with Calvin?

Yes. Could you say it a little louder so Arnaz can hear you? I would like for it

to be more awkward at the house.

How? You've only been going out with Calvin for a couple of weeks.

Arnaz was begging for it for years.

is different with Calvin.

Or maybe I'm just different with Calvin.

Plus, he's been passing every level of the perfect boyfriend test.

I can't believe you're actually using the boyfriend test you saw on Tyra.

Hey, Tyra don't lie.

Hey, it's cool if I don't have a car.

We can always take the bus.

It's like a limo with sticky floors.

Yo, my boy says there's a sorority party popping tonight.

I was going to watch Footloose on cable, but I'd rather watch Loose Coeds on me.

You know what I'm saying?

Yo, Arnaz, you rolling? What's up?

Why? Once these L .A. women find out I don't have a car, work as a busboy, and

live with my ex -girlfriend, they don't want to have anything to do with me.

So, Cash, you want to leave around 10?

I mean, you know what's ironic?

With all the dating I do, you'd think I'd have caught the perfect guy by now.

Or a disease.

Well, you're not looking for the perfect guy. You're looking for the perfect

credit rating.

Brianna, that's not true. I did not judge a man by his credit rating.

I judge him by his net worth.

I've dated a bunch of women since Brianna, and she's not my style.

I like connecting with one person.

Some men are just like that, you know?

Yeah. Women.

Ha ha.

It's just frustrating because the only woman I've connected with other than

Brianna was Michelle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought you said you and my sister didn't hook up. Okay, look, we didn't

up. I'm just saying under different circumstances, she would have been

I mean, she's so easy to talk to, like the same music.

And she always laughs when I say something stupid.

She loves to laugh.

Look, all right, just so we clear, there are no different circumstances, okay?

Don't worry, okay? She's in Paris.

I can't even afford to get to Long Beach.

Well, I think you should give love a chance.

For all you know, the perfect man might be the next man who walks through that

door.

He's here. What? Who? The clown? I saw him first.

Who?

Over there. It's Andrew, the doctor from the clinic.

He won't remember us. Oh, he'll remember me.

I've been there three times this month trying to get him to ask me out.

Yeah, because what sexier than a girl who keeps coming into the clinic?

Hi, doctor.

Hi.

I see we share the same taste in coffee.

Oh, this is green tea.

Get out of here. We both love a hot liquid.

Arnaz, India Ari will be here shortly, so I suggest you clean the tables and

dispose of the riff and the raft.

Wait, man, this has to be a joke.

Sure thing Judy is canceling on me tonight.

That's weird. Didn't Big Butt Chanel cancel on you, too?

Yeah. That's crazy, right? They both say I'm a dog.

You know, I treat all my women with respect.

Ask any one of my starting five.

Thank you so much for coming out this evening. We're just going to shoot a

little bit of raw footage, so just relax and enjoy and act natural.

And if that means yelling out how much you love me, that's okay, too.

Thank you so much. But next time, try that when the cameras are rolling.

Do not put him on camera.

13 and I got a relaxer I was the source of so much laughter At 15 when it all

broke off 18 and I went all natural February 2002 I went on and did what

I had to do Because it was time to change my life To become the woman that

inside 97 dreadlocks all gone I looked in the mirror for the first time And saw

that hey I am not my head I am not

I am not your expectations,

no, no.

I am not my head.

I am not the skin.

I am the soul that lives within.

I used to really consider being in front of the camera.

Please, I despise the people in front of the camera.

Cute and bitter.

I wouldn't be in front of the camera for all the money in the world.

Well, you could earn a thousand dollars a day plus royalty.

Well, that doesn't sound like all the money in the world, but that's enough

me.

Archie, my mellow buzz.

India Dot, our ring is a soundtrack to love, not petty jealousy.

I'm not jealous.

Nor is she the soundtrack to lies.

Okay, I'm a little jealous.

But not of him.

Of them.

They're not a foul what I want. A relationship.

Oh, don't worry, Arnaz. You'll find it. Whoa, wait, wait. Did you just point at

me? Was that my cue? Did I miss my cue? I love you.

Singing out to the whole wide world like, hey!

I am not my head.

I am not this skin.

I am not your expectation of what?

I am not my head.

I am not this skin.

I am the soul.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

romantic dinner. A romantic dinner?

Looking like that?

I've got a better chance of using those condoms than you.

You guys, this is all a part of my perfect boyfriend test.

Calvin has progressed to level three, the flexibility test.

Flexibility? Sounds like the condoms are back in the plate.

No. I'm changing our dinner plans last minute. And if he's cool and he can roll

with it, then he passes and moves on to level four.

And what's level four?

The drop -by. It's when you drop by a man's house uninvited.

I call that a first date.

Hey, baby. Hey.

I'm sorry, am I early?

Or are we so cool with each other that we don't give a damn how we look?

No, I thought we were going to have the house all to ourselves, but they can't

keep boyfriends.

So I thought you'd want to cancel.

Nah, nah, it's cool.

Let's just all have dinner and then watch a movie or something.

He passed.

Well, hey, what did I pass?

No, no. She said, um, he passed.

Which is Filipino for gin rummy.

Well, let me call my McDonald's. I'm going to treat us to some Big Macs and

fries.

I have my buddy dropping off on his way home.

My man is flexible.

He is so flexible.

I know why I'm not getting any play.

My boy told me someone just posted my face on youadog .com.

I'm this month's featured canine.

You have to put some chick off.

Those websites are stupid.

I have to go out with you.

I'm on youadog .com, Lisa.

Not youlostyourmind .com, okay?

Shut it down.

Look at this.

I spent my whole life mocking the pretty people in front of the camera. And now

I'm one of them.

I sold out.

So, you're looking for sympathy because people think you're pretty and want to

take your picture?

Get out now.

Oh, your phone number.

Let me save you the trouble.

I have no car, I share a bedroom with two dudes, and I enjoy long walks on the

beach because that's all I can afford.

Did you see that?

Another phone number.

You know, with this taste in my abs, I can have tons of women.

It's just not me.

You got a piece in the pod, you and I.

Yeah.

I'm a one -woman man without a woman.

Why can't the perfect girl just walk through that door?

Hey, Arnett!

Oh, my God, Michelle!

You're back!

Yes, I am.

Hey, is my brother around?

No, I think D -Mac has class.

Good. Then he won't see me do this.

I cannot believe that you're back.

I was just saying I wish the perfect woman would walk through that door, and

there you were.

Why did I see the perfect woman in a box of saltwater taffy?

Would you settle for a bag of airplane peanuts?

Yeah, from you I would.

I'm sorry.

Benjamin, this is DMACC sister Michelle.

Michelle, this is Benjamin.

Yeah, I only cleared my throat because I want you to get back to work. Who she

is is of no consequence to me.

So what's up? It's been a couple of months.

How's Brianna?

Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask her boyfriend, Calvin?

Oh, she's got a boyfriend?

Yeah. You know, it's weird.

I hardly ever see her anymore.

It's like we never have him.

So, uh, how's your French art school?

Well, we're on summer break, and I got sick of the croissants and the rice. Uh

-huh. So you're back in L .A.? Mm -hmm. You're both unattached? Mm -hmm.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Well, I'm here, aren't I? Mm -hmm.

Oh, boy, not here.

Gotta keep this quiet for a while. You know how DMACC can get.

DMACC? Yeah, DMACC. Oh, DMACC's right there. He just walked in here.

What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Just relax. I know how to handle my

little brother. Trust me.

What's up, Daryl?

Michelle. Hey.

Yo. What are you doing here?

Wait. You did go to that snooty art school I paid for, right? Here, quick.

Draw me some.

Michelle.

What are you doing here?

I only recognize you. I haven't seen you in so long.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's good to see you, Arnett.

Yeah. Glad to see you, too.

All right.

All right. Well, I'm going to get back to bussing tables because, uh, That's

what I've been doing all day.

Hey, wait a minute.

How did you get those airplane peanuts, man?

Uh, yeah, they're serving peanuts on the bus now.

Yeah, these are bus peanuts.

See ya.

Brianna. Hey, I was just in the neighborhood, so I decided to drop by.

taught me to never show up in anybody's house empty -handed.

There's nothing in here.

What? You got so many dishes, you can't use another one?

So... Hmm, just got back from work?

Uh, yeah, you know, actually, I'm heading out.

I'm interviewing some applicants for an opening.

Hmm, I've never seen somebody so excited to go to work.

Hey, well, you know, what can I tell you?

McDonald's is a great place to work.

Are you saying, you're loving it?

You know, like the commercial?

Okay, I watch too much TV.

You know what? Actually, you know, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it.

no, no, wait.

You mean to tell me I came all this way to see you, and you can't take a quick

minute just to show me around?

Uh, um, yeah, all right.

Okay, yeah. Um, all right, this is the living room.

The kitchen, the bedrooms are actually back that way. You know what? Drive

carefully. What?

You know what?

I gotta use the bathroom.

So, um, I'm just gonna use yours, and then I'll be on my way. Is that the

bathroom over there? Because it looks like the bathroom.

Oh, no, no, it's not the bathroom.

I just knew you were too good to be true.

Calvin? Boy, is that you?

Yes, Grandma.

It's me and my friend Brianna.

doctor says. Oh, my

God. Great dinner, great doctor jokes, great kiss.

What kiss?

Look, Sarah, I really like you.

It's just that I've done all my playing around and I've discovered that the

physical stuff clouds my judgment.

Well, then leave your judgment on the front porch.

You can get it in the morning.

Don't get me wrong.

When I was young, I loved playing the field.

It was more like a small country.

But then I finally realized that one of those women, those many hot women, may

have been the one, and I wouldn't have known it.

Oh!

I get it.

It's not you, it's me.

Well, it was nice knowing you. No, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.

I want to see you again.

I want to get to know you.

The real you.

Without confusing it with hard, lustful, animal sex.

Yeah. We wouldn't want to do that, would we?

Would you mind helping me to the door? Yeah.

You know, sneaking around here the last few days has been kind of hot.

Yeah, except when we get trapped at your house and I have to hide in the bathtub

for two hours.

Did you know Cash sits down when he pees?

Yeah, I know. He doesn't lock the door either.

Oh, look.

Killer Confections is coming back to town.

Yeah, that's kind of like our first date, huh?

Yeah, I haven't had fun like that since you left.

You know, that's why I'm so glad you're back.

I totally put myself around you.

I feel the same way.

Everybody else in L .A. is fake.

You're like the first person that's not afraid to say what's on his mind, even

if it's stupid.

Uh, thank you.

Well,

where are you going all dressed up?

Yeah, I thought no one wanted to date you.

I'm going over to Broke -Ass Brenda's.

She don't know about youadog .com. No money, no internet, no problem.

What? Cash?

What's wrong?

Not something I can really tell you.

You have to see it for yourself.

Oh, I am not falling for that again.

This is bigger than that.

How could it not be?

Come on.

I'm not sure, but that looks like Arnaz.

Yeah, check out that tall drinker.

Oh, my God.

He's sneaking out.

Woo!

Woo!

Love

you,

Daddy. Love you, too, Netta.