Original subtitles

I want to be close to you, I want to be close,

I want to be close to you, close, close.

Brianna, those cookies look really good. Can I have one?

These cookies are for Arnaz, my valentine, because I love him. If

you, they would make you some cookies.

If I was getting some lovin', I wouldn't need cookies.

Valentine's Day?

Why hasn't Cupid ever shot me with his arrow?

Does it have to be an arrow?

Self -loathing attitudes like yours, Lisa, is why I love Valentine's Day. All

those lonely, desperate women looking for the man of their dreams. And when he

doesn't show up, what do they do with all their love?

They deposit it in the cash machine.

You know, Cash, how could you be so cold and insensitive, man?

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate. It's a time for love and giving.

Don't you agree, Brianna? You can't have a cookie either.

Good news, everybody.

My plan to solve my money problems forever is in motion.

Congratulations. Who's a rich old man and what's he dying of?

I said good news, not my dream come true.

Anyway, you know how I've been saying I want to start my own business?

Well, I've decided to become a matchmaker.

I mean, who knows as much about dating as I do?

Heidi Fleiss doesn't know as much about dating as you do.

Anyway, all those dating agencies and websites out there make a ton of money.

I mean, why shouldn't I be the one to exploit all those lonely, desperate

losers? You are heartless, Sarah.

You disgust me.

I'll give you a discount.

I'm in.

Happy day before Valentine's Day, Valentine.

Aw, baby, they're beautiful.

Almost as beautiful as you.

Oh, my God.

They're perfect. They're exactly what I need.

Uh, well, these are for Brianna.

You can get your own on the corner.

Just look for a guy in a black van with a Mercedes grill.

No, not the roses.

I'm talking about you and Brianna.

I just finished telling these guys how I started my own matchmaking business.

Well, where I come from, they call it pipping.

Hello.

Spotlight on Sarah.

This is important.

This is my chance to be better than all of you.

Now, tomorrow night I'm having my kickoff party at the blog on Valentine's

And with you two there as a testament to my matchmaking skills. Hold on.

Brianna and I were a couple before we even met you.

Yeah, but the singles who will be signing up for my service won't know

The perfect couple is the best endorsement.

So you want them to lie and say they met through you?

No, I just want them to tell people how happy they are and not tell them they

didn't meet through me.

They're a lie.

No, just not tell the whole truth.

Yeah, lie.

Okay, lie.

That's the first rule of business.

I thought the first rule of business is the customer's always right.

And that's a lie.

with a perfect couple? Of course.

Oh, heck.

What's a little white lie for our little white friend?

Oh, this is great. Now, all I need you guys to do is to fill out this

compatibility questionnaire for Sarah's soulmate and then bring it with you

tomorrow night to the kickoff party.

Likes and dislikes? Well, that's easy. I like them naked and I dislike them

talking.

Hey, why did I know... and I'd take one, too.

What? We don't need to take a test.

I watched Save the Last Dance 175 times with you.

That's not being tested. I don't know what is.

No, baby, but come on. It'll be fun.

Besides, we already know we're the perfect couple.

Oh, my God.

We are complete opposites.

Since when do you prefer mountains over the ocean?

Since I found out sharks don't attack on land.

and don't land.

Um... Brianna, just a stupid quiz that Sarah probably got from some

goofy women's magazine. Right, Sarah?

Actually, the questions were compiled from several different studies based on

satisfaction in personal relationships.

Who asked you?

Besides, I always suck at tests.

Huh? That's the shocker.

Well, I've always said... Obstruct.

That's just something desperate people say when they've dropped their standards

as low as they can go.

And that's what I swoop in.

Will there be girls with low self -esteem in your mixer?

Of course.

Great competition.

I cannot believe this. I have nothing in common with my boyfriend.

And I have nothing in common with you.

See? Now we have something in common.

Then after you guys went to bed, Brianna made me retake the stupid test.

I did even worse.

My re -retest is at noon.

But I'm passing this one.

Well, Brianna likes the ocean. Brianna likes brownies. Brianna hates coffee.

Dude, Brianna loves coffee.

Damn. Hand me that Sharpie.

Ew, heart -shaped pancake.

It's Valentine's Day. Why don't you just rub my face in it?

Hey, I'm just trying to cheer Brianna up. They're her favorite. Your shoulder

says waffles.

The other one.

Hey, Brianna. Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, pancakes.

Well, I guess I can eat those.

Oh, no, no, no.

I make pancakes for everybody else.

For you, I make them waffles, because they're your favorite.

So, happy Valentine's Day.

So happy Valentine's Day. Ah, so we can put all this silly quiz stuff behind us.

Oh, we sure can.

This afternoon, after we get a perfect score on our re -retest.

Right, the re -retest.

I can't wait, wait.

My perfect couple is perfect again.

Now listen, lovebirds. I just want you guys to speak from your hearts tonight.

So here, I wrote you a speech.

Feel free to say what you want, just as long as you stick to what's on the page.

Toodles!

Together, yeah.

Thank you, Hendred.

You can purchase our CDs at the counter, along with some very tasty Dale

blueberry muffins.

Hey, Benjamin.

Thanks again for letting me use the blog.

The decorations look great, don't you think?

Yeah. Oh, and you know what I'd like to see hanging next to those adorable red

hearts? My dead body.

I hate Valentine's Day.

I couldn't agree more.

You know, Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday.

In fact, it means so much to me.

I call it love.

Merry love, my girl.

Oh, and I don't skimp when it comes to dental floss. The cheap kind of shreds

to my teeth and makes my gums bleed.

You having a good Valentine's Day?

Huh. That surprises me.

What could a beautiful girl like you have to be sad about?

You don't want to hear about it.

Well, I'm not leaving until you feel better.

Of course I do.

That's why we got a perfect score on our compatibility re -retest.

Oh, what's our favorite month?

July!

Can you believe this turnout?

This could make me rich.

I am finally becoming that successful independent woman that I've always

of being.

Unless I meet a doctor.

Oh, baby, quick, open your gift.

Okay.

to welcome you to Sarah's Soulmate.

Oh, my God.

Isn't this the same one that Lenny Krabs is wearing in his album cover?

Oh, I know.

Well, except he could wear his in the shower.

The guy in the van said this one might leave a green stain.

Here, try it on.

Uh, you don't have to do that.

No, no, I want to see it on you. And if you don't meet your soulmate tonight, I

guarantee you, for a mere $29 .95 a month, I will personally help you find

And if you pay cash, I guarantee they'll be American.

But now, I'd like to bring up a couple who can attest to the happiness that

found through Sarah's soulmate.

Look,

I never wanted to take this stupid quiz in the first place.

I've been trying all day to please you and nothing is working.

I only cheated to get you off my back.

Good news, everybody.

I've tracked down our perfect couple.

Please welcome to the stage, Brianna and Arnaz.

Yo, what's up?

Yeah, what's up?

Yo, we just wanted to come up here and say a few words. You know, share our

thoughts about Brianna and Arnaz's love.

You're a damn dumbass.

Oh, I mean, about our love.

Our love.

Yeah, we're in love.

The kind of love where you can't keep your hands off each other.

You know, being in a relationship is a wonderful thing, but it isn't always

easy, you know, because no two people are alike, and nobody's perfect.

But... When you love each other as much as we do. And I really, really love this

man.

Oh, my God, it feels so good to say that out loud.

Excuse me, Brianna and Arnaz. When you met through all my dedicated work,

did you know right away that you would be soulmates?

Oh, of course.

You don't meet someone like Arnaz and not know what a wonderful guy he is.

Um, excuse me, Brianna.

Cute name, by the way.

You say how wonderful Arnaz is, but how much do you really know each other?

I mean, you seem so different.

Yeah.

You guys must fight a lot.

You seem cool, Arnaz, but you, Brianna, you seem stubborn.

Well, you know, sure, sometimes we fight.

Damn, girl, you strong.

But, you know, luckily, we have very...

understanding and good -looking roommates.

And they remind us that the love we have is the kind of love everybody's looking

for.

And they also say not to throw it away over something as stupid as a...

14th boyfriend left me because I didn't wear enough skirts.

And then my 15th boyfriend, he left me because my parakeet made too much noise.

And then... I get it.

Men leave you for any number of reasons.

Well, guess what? We all got problems.

I grew up with no father. I wore my sister's hand -me -downs. Matter of

fit their sweater.

My film career is in the toilet. I hide in garbage to take pictures of B

-list... celebrities just so i can afford the privilege of sharing a room

two other dudes wow you really had it tough

i know hold me sorry you have a lot of baggage

and i prefer to travel light good luck to you though and you look really nice

that sweater

close to me?

Doing this for Sierra?

For her sake, we still have to pretend we're Brianna and Arnett.

Sell it. Put your hand on my thigh.

My God, are you grinding my leg?

No.

Not unless you like it.

Hey, you guys, tonight was a huge success.

pleasure.

You owe me.

And after I make my fortune, I may even give you my forwarding address.

Has anybody seen Brianna and Arnaz?

Trick question.

Just wanted for a walk.

Well, are we okay?

Yeah, this has been a weird Valentine's Day.

I know, baby.

Look, I'm sorry I freaked out about that test.

I just got so caught up in the whole idea of us being the perfect couple.

Yeah, well, you need to give that up, because I'm far from perfect.

Except for my abs.

Wait, niggers?

candy bar?

Oh, that's for me.

I'm going to the store later.

You are so cute.

Look, I don't know what got into me.

I think that whole opposites thing just threw me. I mean, my parents are

opposites and look how that turned out.

But the good thing is we're not them.

Yeah, but we have been fighting a lot.

I know, but we make up.

Yeah, but it seems like we're always making up.

Speaking of which, we still have ten minutes left of Valentine's Day.

So what do you want to do?

I'm pretty beat.

I got up at six o 'clock this morning to make you pancakes.

I mean, waffles.

I got a class early tomorrow morning.

I think I'm just going to crash.

Okay.

Goodnight!

Oh, they took off the second you went to clean the bathroom.

Where'd they go?

I said not to tell you.

Even DMACC?

Okay, he's the one who said not to tell you.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Oh, me too.

Would you like... A cup of coffee? We have a lot of cleaning up to do and we

could be here all night long. I love them.

Oh, cool.

Actually, it's kind of hot.

I'll say.

I'm talking about the coffee.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Daddy. Love you too, Netta.