Original subtitles

If today's game was any indication, the Golden State Warriors are the team to

beat in the playoffs.

And I'm not just saying that because they're giving me a ride on their team

But the next stop on the Hoop City Tour is Los Angeles.

Until then, this is Peleflex Washington saying, flat out, dude.

Your dad gets better and better the further away he gets.

You know, with your dad traveling so much, it's like we have our own place.

We're pulling all -nighters, eating pizza three times a day, played strip

But we haven't played strip uno.

But we could.

Hey, I'm calling.

Oh, this place is disgusting.

What is it, the real -world crack house?

Your dad told me to keep an eye on you. Do you know how upset he would be if he

saw this place?

Well, do you know how upset my dad would be if he found out that you were

wearing his $600 sweater?

She's so soft.

Ooh, hopefully my daddy sent me a check I spent all the money he gave me on

pizza and mascara.

Ooh, but are my lashes luscious?

Nope.

Nothing from your dad and nothing from Victoria's Secret.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I got a letter from Rafi, that Bolivian orphan boy that I

sponsor. You sponsor somebody?

On the money you make?

Look, here is a little picture of him right there.

Good looking kid.

He only cost me 25 cents a day.

Oh, DeWayne, you're getting ripped off. You can have that bum on a corner for a

dime.

I'm Edward Pizza Hand.

Arnett, quit messing around and help me fold these clothes before my dad gets

home. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I don't think my dad doing

this traveling for his Hoop City tour is going to work for me. Are you kidding?

The last two weeks have been great.

I wish my mom would leave town.

Yeah, but living on your own is so hard.

Cooking, cleaning.

Remember when to turn off the gas? Wait.

She always remembered to turn off the gas, and we had the same shoe size. Oh,

those were the days. Fresh air and Manolos.

Is your dad back yet?

Rafi's coming to visit me from Bolivia, and I need a few of your dad's things.

His car, his clothes, and his life.

Is that Bolivian boy single?

What, a closed mouth does not get fed.

Robbie has gone from being a perilous child in the Bolivian streets to a

successful doctor. And he says that he owes all his success to me. You?

Well, I guess it isn't that hard to be a doctor in Bolivia.

Very funny.

But Robbie thinks that I'm a real estate developer and have several commercial

and industrial properties.

Why would he think that?

Because that's what I told him.

So just tell him the truth.

Oh, I can't.

I mean, Rafi has pulled himself up out of the Bolivian gutter using my web of

lies and deceits. And those lies must go on.

All right, I'll need a secretary and a manservant. Arnaz, you'll be my

secretary. Spirit, you'll be my manservant.

But I'm a girl. What part of lies and deceit don't you understand?

That reminds me. I'm going to need to borrow your dad's Cartier watch.

It has just enough bling for my sting.

Hey, baby.

Where did I walk into? The real world crack house?

Now that you're here, I need you to go to the grocery store. And when you get

back with the groceries that you bought, I need you to make your homemade

lasagna. Oh, I'm so happy that you're home.

Now go, because I miss your cooking.

Oh, hey, Flex.

Hey, what's up, dog?

Oh, man, that's a tight watch, dude. Thank you.

Uh, Daddy, shopping. Oh. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I got to take a shower. I'm

leaving for Miami tonight.

You're leaving again?

I know this isn't easy, sweetie, but the views are eating up this tour.

This could help me go national.

I know. I know. I'm very proud of you.

I'm not as proud as I am of you. I mean, ever since that conference in L .A.,

you've proven to me that you're responsible.

And a little like your mother when it comes to house cleaning.

Rihanna, socks are done.

Rihanna, don't. Dry your socks in the microwave? That is so ghetto.

Hang them off the balcony.

Oh, okay.

I need to find a woman.

Could you say that again?

Only this time slower.

For my dad, you freak.

I don't like doing laundry and cleaning up around here. So hire a maid.

But you have to pay a maid. You don't have to pay a girlfriend.

You do if you're my dad.

Well, I'm almost out of here. You need anything?

Daddy, you're always worried about what I need. What do you need?

To run into J -Lo in the lobby of the Miami Hilton.

You know what? I am so glad to hear you say that, because I've been thinking

about your social life lately, and I realize you ain't got one.

Sit down.

Look, I like my life right now. My career is taking off, and since I'm

can devote most of my time to going national.

But you don't miss having a woman in your life?

Yeah, I do miss that female companionship. Somebody to kick back

Scooby -Doo, share a gallon of pralines and cream.

You know what? When I'm done touring, I'm going to look for someone.

Unless I find you one first.

Okay, listen to this personal.

Adorable, soft, and gentle, looking for a strong man to cuddle with.

Are you looking for a woman or a cat?

Yeah, but look at her picture. I think she's perfect.

See, here's what you need to do. We women like a man that needs a little

like a run -down house, so that way we can fix him up, move in, and dare him to

leave us with some young condo.

Why do you women always try and change your brother?

Okay, I'm gonna type that my father is a wonderful and loving man who is... I

feel heartbroken over his divorce.

Anyone interested?

All these single women and not one of them is responding?

Type in that he has a job.

I'm 30 freaking six.

I'm sick of men who can't commit. So don't waste my time. Just tell me where

this is going.

Well, you see, I find it very difficult to go out and meet men.

My husband watches me like a hawk.

These homemade brownies are delicious.

They're even still warm.

But I have to admit, Carol, you look much different in your picture.

Yeah, that was taken in 56.

I changed my hair.

I know, it sounds crazy, but I really do.

Get out of here. Nobody likes housework. It's very relaxing after a long day of

shoe shopping.

Shoe shopping, you say?

Uh, is that a side fix?

Good eye.

Are you crying?

Oh, I'd really like my daddy to meet you. But, you know, he's still a little

fragile. The divorce and all.

It's okay, Brianna. One day you'll learn that most men are fixer -uppers.

Oh, well, you'll love my daddy because he's a teardown.

So, what do you say we run into each other here Saturday at around 1? I'll be

here at 1.

Okay. By the way, what's your dad's name? Oh, you could just call him Mr.

Now, while I'm in town, we're going to do some cleaning around the house. How

you manage to get spaghetti on the bathroom ceiling, I don't know.

Pop style is great here.

Well, look who just walked in the door. My friend Pamela.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hot woman my age.

You wouldn't be trying to set me up on a blind date, would you?

No, of course not.

Daddy, she sees fine.

Pamela, over here.

Oh, you've been to the gym today. Burberry blast.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, how you doing?

You!

Lex Washington.

I can't believe you have the audacity to show your face in here.

And what a face it is. Notice the sculpted distinguished chocolate veneer.

Look, lady, I have never seen you before in my life.

What?

acting like you don't know me after what you did to me. Look, Pamela, maybe

you're mistaking me for someone else, but I have no idea who you are. Really?

Well, I certainly remember meeting you.

We met in a club ten years ago.

We danced all night, and then you asked for my phone number. Oh, come on. You're

going to have to give me more than that. I've done that a lot.

I mean, come on, look at me. Imagine me ten years ago.

You called, we went to dinner, and then you ditched me in the middle of our

date. Daddy!

Brianna. I don't think this is going to work out.

Oh, great.

You got water all over my clothes.

Thanks a lot, Flex.

I hope there's a hand dryer in the bathroom.

Yeah, I hope there's a deep hole you fall into.

Daddy, just because you don't remember Pamela doesn't mean you didn't ditch

I mean, can you honestly say that you remember every date that you've been on?

Come on, Brianna, now look at me. Imagine me telling you... Stop it!

How do you know her again?

How do I know her? What kind of question is that? How do I know her?

She's, uh, friend of Arnette's mom.

Yeah.

Daddy, she's perfect for you.

She loves watching sports, Scooby -Doo, and her favorite ice cream is Pralines

and Cream. She's down with Scooby and a PNC?

You really like her, huh?

Yeah, Daddy, she's everything you said you wanted in a woman.

Come on, just give her a chance.

I just need...

Look, Pamela, I'm sorry. I really have no memory of ditching you at all, but

I'm glad I did it.

Daddy!

Because it gives me a perfect excuse to take you out to dinner and make it up to

you. Oh, and maybe a little pralines and cream for dessert. Oh, and some other

assorted Scooby snacks.

I mean, what are the odds that two people who went out ten years ago got

by a well -intentioned little girl?

Yeah, maybe it's fate.

Well... I guess everybody deserves a second chance. Oh, isn't she great?

Oh, nice shoes.

Rafi? Foster father?

Hey!

Come on in.

Welcome to my humble abode. This is my secretary Arnaz and my manservant

Hello.

Nice to meet you all. But first, I have a special surprise for you.

Oh.

Wow, I didn't get you anything, but... No, Pastor Father.

Remember Gabriela, my soon -to -be wife? Oh, but she must forgive her because

she has not yet learned the English language.

That's okay.

We only speak one language here. And what language is that, Arnaz?

The language of money, power, and fame.

Perfect.

Come in.

I would try to stuff a whole sandwich in my mouth just like Scooby and Shaggy

did.

A whole sandwich, you say?

Well, personally, I like to nibble my sandwiches one bite

at a time.

Mmm, I like the way that sounds.

Kiss me. Ooh, jumping right to dessert.

I like that a lot.

Guys got to be crazy to ditch those lips, and I ain't crazy.

Excuse me, waiter. How's your veal?

You thinking about ordering the veal? Yes, between the veal or the lamb. Is

veal tender tonight? Because I like tender veal.

Tender? Why wouldn't he be tender? He's a baby cow.

He's been locked in a crate his whole life, so his muscles wouldn't develop,

making his flesh easier for you to chew.

How's your lamb prepared?

Well... First they fatten him up, pump him full of hormones, and then drag him

to the slaughterhouse, shove his head through a hole, and all the while he's

pleading, No!

No! No!

No! No!

No!

Go ahead, Flex.

Order your steak.

Murderer.

I'll have the chicken.

Chicken? Do you know... You know when they kill chickens, they're angry?

When you eat that chicken, then you become the angry chicken. That's why

so much violence, Fleck.

Angry chickens.

That's why I don't eat chickens.

Fascinating.

You know what?

Excuse me for a moment. I need to use the restroom.

Hello? Anybody home?

You can't even concentrate.

It's all those meat enzymes eating at your brain.

Is shrimp out of the question?

What was that?

Pamela, calm down. She just dropped a napkin.

face -dropping napkins. I ain't crazy.

Coming on to my man right in front of my face.

Pamela, I am not your man.

Oh, so my kiss hasn't even dried on your lips and all of a sudden you're not my

man?

Fascinating. Would you excuse me for a moment? I need to use the restroom.

I always imagined that you lived in much larger quarters than these.

Yes, well, as manservant will tell you, I have many homes.

Uh, he has many homes.

So, Rafi, why do you call Dwayne foster father?

One of the conditions that foster father continued to send me money is that I

call him foster father.

His financial support and his inspirational letters He made me believe

could change my situation.

This guy?

The guy who can't tie his laces so he wears Velcro shoes?

Sorry, El Jefe.

He also inspired me to be a better man.

And I can only be a better man with a good woman.

That's why, foster father, Gabriela and I have come here to get married.

And since we know that you are a busy man, if you would just write us a check,

we would greatly appreciate it.

Check for what?

Our wedding, foster father.

Oh, your wedding?

You want me to pay for your wedding?

Yes, it would be an honor.

Oh, an honor.

Yeah, I'm poor.

I'm sorry, foster father.

I don't work in real estate. I sell used cars badly.

So you have no money?

Freaking believable.

Is that Bolivian for I forgive you, foster father?

I pick one sucker to scam, and he's broke.

Come on, Trixie. Let's go to that Make -A -Wish Foundation thing.

Start coughing.

What? You know what? This is a sham and a mockery. I mean, it's one thing to

scam me, but a sick Bolivian girl?

Look, Trixie, baby, do you need some money?

I'm sorry, Daddy. She seems so normal.

Let me guess. When you met her, you had the salad.

So, you weren't mad?

Not mad.

I'm curious.

Why'd I set an interest in my love life?

Well, I'm just trying to make sure that you're happy, Daddy.

What makes you think I'm not happy?

Well, you're out on the road all alone.

No one to take care of you.

You're like a blues song waiting to be sung.

Baby, don't worry about me.

I'm having the time of my life.

Are you sure?

Being out there doesn't get lonely?

Missing the way things were?

If I didn't know any better, I might think you're missing me.

Me missing you?

Please, me missing you.

You're repeating everything I say. Repeating everything you say? Me?

Look, sweetie, if you want me to stay here, I will gladly drop what I'm doing

do that.

You're more important to me than any sports story I could cover.

Daddy, we don't hold each other back.

We push each other forward.

So, go, Daddy.

Go.

No, you go.

No, you go.

Hello?

Hey, Geraldine.

In two hours?

Yeah, I could have my bags packed.

Sweetie, they want me to go to Dallas.

You're okay with that, right?

Go, Daddy, go.

Thanks, baby.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

It's going to be great.

I would love to help in your international relief effort, and I hope

money in some small way helps to get your daughter over from, uh, where'd you

say you were from?

Uh, Canada.

The horror.

Bye.

No, saw right through it. Didn't give me a dime.

Love you too, Netta.