Original subtitles

Can you believe Miss Beam gave me a C in homemade?

I mean, who needs boiling a bag of rice when you got all this ready -made

cuteness?

Speaking of fast food, look what Arnaz picked up at the drive -thru.

I'll talk to you later, Valencia.

Bye.

Valencia, she named after an orange. Oh, she looks fresh squeezed.

Spirit, it's okay.

Arnaz and I are just friends. He can go out with any fruit that he wants to.

Thanks, but I think I might be moving on to vegetables.

Hey, pumpkin.

Hey, this fell out of your locker.

Oh, that's not mine.

Oh, to Brianna.

Hair dark and lovely.

Skin Neutrogena.

I know in my heart I need you like Awkwafina.

Is never enough.

The Victoria's Secret body.

Man, it's four taps. Sign me.

Girl, you got a secret admirer. Oh, I wonder who it could be.

I don't know, but we know one thing.

You watch a lot of commercials.

Iverson proved once again that he's the toughest little man on the court.

Nothing short of brilliant.

Holly?

Oh, let's dish.

After the game, Ivy got a new heart tattoo.

Does he have a new boo?

Me thinks love is in the air.

Love has nothing to do with sports.

What if it's tennis, Flexi -Doodle?

Each game starts love -love, just like you and me.

for tonight's Flex Files. Fly that.

Are we out yet?

Thank you.

Now then, please, someone take out the trash. She's stinking up my show.

Oh, please, Flex. Your show was fairly pungent before I got here. That's why

management brought me in.

I'm the Sancho Panza to your Don Quixote.

No, you're more like the donkey to my Don Quixote.

Thanks, Jess.

Oh, it's a fax from Geraldine. Oh, apparently our producer took time out

vacationing on Liposuction Island to send us something.

Jerry's landed WYNX in exclusive with former NFL running back Eric Dickerson.

You know, the word is he's been offered a coaching position with a Division I

school. Exactly, but he's being real tight -lipped about this one.

And if I can break this story, it'll get picked up nationally.

Hmm, what would the irritatingly effervescent Hollywood National?

I know.

easy dukes and gachi boots.

That Baywatch reject comes all up in my space talking about, what's Harley gonna

wear in National?

How about a noose?

Flex, please.

I know you're under a lot of stress, but in a couple hours, I'm going under the

knife and donating a kidney to my father in a county hospital.

Oh, but I'm sorry. Please, continue with your drama.

I'm done.

Dwayne, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this for me.

Don't worry about it, Pop.

But we're square for the next couple Christmases. All right.

Anyways, any surgery comes with some risks. Wayne, everything's going to be

fine. I'm not worried.

Now, are we done?

I just have one small presentation.

Good evening.

And if this syndicates, buenas noches.

You are watching the last will and testament of one Dwayne Odell Knox.

I, being of sound mind and body, do bequeath... This is ridiculous, Dwayne.

Everything is going to be all right. Now, back to me.

Who do you like better, me or Holly?

So, I questioned the guys at school, and nothing.

So I'm thinking your secret admirer must be Winky the janitor.

Or... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Miss Kaufman, the gym teacher.

Whoever it is, they didn't include a picture, so we know they're ugly.

And we all know Miss Kaufman is not cute.

Read the card while I take care of the delivery guy.

Hey, your secret admirer's supposed to name wrong.

Biana.

What an idiot!

Idiot!

The name is Brianna, and I specifically asked for roses.

This is just a little pre -interview. You know what I'm saying? I don't like

ambush my guests. That way we're both prepared. Okay, let's get started.

But before I forget, don't ask me anything about where I'm going to be

I'm still working out the details of my deal.

Oh, got it. Got it, got it. So since you retired from the NFL, you've been doing

color commentary from the sidelines.

And has Michigan State offered you a coaching job yet?

And how's your golf game?

What?

Eric doesn't want to talk about boring things like his golf game. He wants to

talk about fun things. Stop.

Like my girlfriend, Susan Watanabe, said that you dated Miss Michigan.

How'd you like your slopes?

Back off, Holly. No one's interested in hearing Susan Watanabe's gossip and Miss

Michigan's slopes.

Well, they were man -made.

Enough.

Holly, I've never heard such blatant, mindless dribble. Who am I, Flex?

In 1984, you rushed 2 ,105 yards.

Somebody oil me.

Look, I am trying to do a real sports show. The Flex Files, not Holly's

I'd watch that show.

Thank you.

I'm going to let you two work this out.

Just ask me the rest of the questions.

You see what I'm talking about, Holly? You see what you did?

When are you going to learn that you being here is not an asset? It's a

liability. It looks like somebody's not keeping abreast of the S &P.

I've taken you from penny stock to blue chip without any exorbitant commission.

This is our stick, Flex.

You do the sports, I'm the entertainment.

Flex Files is not entertainment.

It's information that entertains. It's infotainment.

Flex, like it or not, you need me.

No, the peroxide companies need you to stay in business.

So, like your ends, I'm going to split.

You'll swing me by the plastic surgery ward tomorrow so I can get some after

pictures, right?

Hey, man, come on. Don't tell me you ain't even a little curious to see how

woman's tummy tuck turned out.

They have a surgery for that?

I just tuck my extra tummy into my belt.

So, what's your name?

Dwayne. What?

You're pulling my IV.

My name's Dwayne.

creep me out.

You know people die here. People are also born here.

Yeah, but people also die here. People are also born here. You know what? We're

not getting anywhere.

Besides, we're both Duanes, and nothing bad ever happens to Duanes.

So what are you in for?

Oh, I'm getting a kidney transplant.

Get out!

I'm giving a kidney.

How about that? Two Duanes in the same hospital, same room, one to give a

kidney, one to get a kidney.

What are the odds of that?

Huh.

No, you just called my daddy, Daddy.

Daddy, who is this?

Don't call him Daddy.

Stop doing that. No, you stop doing that.

Daddy!

So they put you in the same room before the operation.

Why is he calling you Daddy, Daddy?

Boys, this is all very complicated.

You two are half -brothers.

Well, now that I say it, it sounds rather simple.

What's simple? It's thick.

You even gave us the same name, man. What kind of George Foreman madness is

this?

I'm sure the names were spelled differently.

Dwayne and D -Wayne.

Daddy, you told me you were getting my kidney from a brother.

Not my brother.

Now it don't make sense.

That's why you weren't there the day I got my blood test?

That's why you disappeared when I was getting admitted?

Listen, son.

The reason I didn't come clean about everything at first was because I

it would be too much for you to handle all at once.

So let me get this straight.

If your new son didn't need your old son's kidney, You never would have come

looking for me. Son, like I told you before, when I found out you were

for me, I wanted to meet you.

But then when this happened to Dwayne, I had to find you, Dwayne.

Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.

I should have listened to Dwayne's mother.

Oh, so you didn't abandon his mother?

Let me guess, you guys got a white picket fence, a dog, and you live by

Disneyland. No, actually, we have an iron fence with a cat, and we live in a

little cul -de -sac by SeaWorld.

All this time, I thought you lived here in Baltimore.

No, we just moved.

And we're expecting a second child.

That's why his mom's not here.

Well, my mom would have been here, but she knew that you were going to be here.

You with your perfect life and your perfect house, near a performing fish.

Daddy, I'm kind of cold. Could you hand me that blanket over there?

Okay, son.

Dwayne? Yes.

Dwayne? Yes. Not you, boy.

May I?

Spirit, why are you dressed like Dreadlock Holmes?

Because I enjoy solving mysteries in my spare time. That, and it's laundry day.

Anyway, I'm on to you. It took...

case of the mysterious secret admirer. Uh, what you've cracked is your head.

It's you.

You're your own secret admirer. Yes, it was all in the first clue. The poem. You

spoke of Neutrogena and Dark and Lovely, two of your favorite beauty products.

I don't know what you were talking about.

Oh, no.

You mentioned Victoria's Secret, which is somewhere you've always wanted to

shop, but your father won't let you.

It's not true, I say. It's not true.

Explain the Ford reference.

What do you think I am, an amateur?

I remembered in history class you said your favorite president was Gerald Ford.

You were so clumsy and misunderstood.

Well, my only question is why Breonna Barnes? Why?

I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him. Oh, I bit my tongue.

if it wasn't for you and your Olsen twin videos.

Hey. Hey.

Well, I'm sure Dwayne's in surgery right now.

Think I can call him on the cell phone?

Daddy, can you go one day without talking to him?

Not this day.

Today I need my little buddy.

Well, I'm here. You can talk to me.

I appreciate that, but this is adult stuff, man. It's all too complicated.

Oh, Snickers.

Okay, Daddy, I'll leave you with your adult problems.

Okay, it's like this.

I don't want to share the flex files with Holly.

Those are my files. I filed them myself.

Ask me what's in them. Go ahead, ask me what's in them. Daddy. She don't know.

Daddy,

look.

I'm a cheerleader.

Do you think I enjoy sharing the spotlight with eight other girls?

Even if I am the cutest, and I am.

Look, you can't build a pyramid by yourself.

I think I know what you're saying.

Sometimes it takes a team to do something really exciting.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Be willing to share the spotlight.

But darn it, make sure you're the cutest.

Hey, listen up.

Oh, I guess you can't because you're sleeping.

But, uh... I can't go through with this.

I mean, I know you're a great kid and all, but this is just too much for me.

So, uh... So I'm going to say goodbye.

And I'm going to take your pudding cup.

And, uh... Slide it closer to you. Here you go.

Oh, it's you.

I'm just going to get my things and get out of your life for good. And by

things, I mean my kidneys.

Please.

I know I've disappointed you again.

And I'm sorry again.

I could have told you the truth earlier, but I just didn't want my second son to

be punished for the way I mistreated my first.

Yeah, Dad.

You have mistreated me.

I'm...

I don't need a kidney.

But I've never felt more pain than I'm feeling right now.

I've been lied to, deceived, and almost cut open.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if you were a complete stranger.

But you're my dad.

But I'm also his dad.

And all the things I did wrong for you, I tried to do right for him.

I taught him how to ride a bike.

I helped him with his homework.

I talked to him about girls.

Did you ever, uh... Pop caps with a hammer.

Or burnt ants with a magnifying glass.

Ooh, ooh, did you ever have them use crutches so you could get a better

space at the ballpark?

Just, uh, some of the things I wanted to do with you.

No, I never got a chance to do those things.

And, son, if you don't help him, I may never get that chance.

Hey, yo, Dad, that crutches thing sounds pretty fun.

You think we can do it?

I don't know, Dwayne.

Can we, Dwayne?

I... I don't know.

Can my little brother come?

Thank you, son.

Well, let me go get the doctor and get this show on the road.

So let me make sure I got everything straight here. You can still run a 4 -8

-40. You love working with young athletes. And I'm sorry, I can't read my

handwriting. What school did you say you'll be coaching at?

Flex, I told you I can't talk about any coaching possibilities.

Oh, come on, E. This is big news.

We're talking about being one of only five black coaches at Division I

Sorry, Flex. I'm not talking.

I can't break you, huh?

You're a tough nut to crack.

How about something lighter? Holly?

Yes, what?

Time for a little... You're off sides, Mr. Dickerson.

Let's dish.

My girlfriend, Susan Watanami, her aunt's cousin said that she saw you

at Saks buying fur coats.

True or false?

True. I like to look good.

Oh, I like to stay fly myself, please.

We also heard you spent the weekend on Mackinac Island.

Yeah, getting your Mac on.

I was not there getting my Mac on.

So, you were there on business then.

Hmm, what business would be on Mackinac Island?

Ice fishing?

Me thinks not.

I even heard you were there with three very attractive ladies learning how to

cross -country ski.

Susan Watanami says you have very powerful thighs.

Ooh, she's right.

Hmm, fur coats, cross -country skiing on Mackinac Island.

What do these things have in common?

Sounds to me like somebody's getting ready to move to Michigan.

You're going to coach the Spartans. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

Go,

Eric.

Congratulations,

Eric.

You heard it here first on the Flex Files. Flat app and... Holly holla!

Boy, Sillistrate's gonna kill me. I'm supposed to give them an exclusive.

Oh, don't worry about it. Tell them to give me a call. I'll give them a quote.

See? What did I tell you, Flex?

We're a great team. Yes, we are.

But I am the quarterback of this team, and you are the kicker at best.

All right.

I'll sit on the sidelines for now.

But watch out, because when it comes time to win the big game, this kicker

butt.

Oh, holy crap.

Oh, I'm sorry. The kicker can't kick it? No. How'd he help her? Yeah.

Oh,

looks like your mystery got struck again.

My dear is Rihanna.

It is with a broken heart that I must end our relationship.

Please do not take this as cliche, but it was I who was not right for you.

It was I who didn't deserve you.

It was I who... It's over.

Lots of love, bye -bye.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Forget him, Brianna. If this guy was too scared to show his face, he's probably

ugly anyway.

I thought you were done with the secret admirer stuff.

But I didn't do this.

From your other secret admirer.

What? Who?

You know what?

Y 'all get on my nerve.

Love you too, Netta.