Original subtitles

Oh, look, Daddy. I made Mommy's Christmas present. It's an ornament with

pictures from all last year. Oh, what a clever idea.

Yeah. Oh, look, that's you last Christmas when you met Mommy's

Jayden, for the first time.

Oh, look.

He's got you in a headlock.

Oh, and that's you when you found out you and Mommy were still married.

Oh, and that's you when you saw Mommy came home alive from Africa.

Oh, and that's you after Natalie dumped you.

Granted, these are just pictures of me crying.

I know. Mama gonna love it.

Who cares? Let me help you hang this on your fake tree.

Fake, fake, fake.

That's all Christmas is. Fake.

Dwayne, who turned you into Mr. Scrooge? I thought you loved Christmas.

You know what? I'm broke this year.

It's been really slow down at the car lot.

Man, Christmas is only fun if you've got money.

Having fun, Flex?

Money doesn't solve my problems. I mean, how fun is it to spend Christmas with

my should -be ex -wife and her boyfriend, Crocodile Dumb D?

to see mommy i haven't seen her in six whole months oh you're

finally here i miss you so much i couldn't sleep last

night so where's my present okay okay i think i have it in here somewhere oh

there it is

But I can't tell no one else.

Then I'll isolate yourself when there's nobody.

because you're really fat.

Five months.

When's your due date?

Five months, Mommy?

We email each other every day.

You tell me all about your ocean adventures off the coast of South

the mating habits of a humpback whale, yet nothing about your mating habits.

Honey, you know, your mom's been really stressed out, you know, constantly being

hunted for the hair on her back. Right.

Flex, we didn't want to tell Brianna because everybody knows that a new baby

tough on the first child.

And we thought it was important to tell Brianna about her little brother or

sister in person.

Yeah.

Did you change your name to Nicole?

Look, sweetie, I want you to know you'll always be Mommy's baby.

Now come here and sit on Mommy's lap.

See? Nothing's gonna change.

Ow. Ow. Get up. You're crushing the baby.

Here's something.

Flex's wife is having a baby by another man.

I don't know who to give the cigar to.

Look, look, now it's time for me to give you your Christmas present.

See, I did a little research, and I discovered a loophole in the divorce

Turns out we don't have to wait a whole year.

Poor Nicole.

You'll see anything to keep me from embarrassing your handler.

It's true. A judge can grant us an early divorce due to a...

Extenuating circumstances.

And this is an extenuating circumstance.

How do you like my work, Flex?

I'm a brother man in the motherland.

You're more like the loser in Sky Kids.

Okay, look, what do we have to do to make this divorce happen? Look, all we

to do is get a judge to file this paperwork. Then we'll be divorced, and

and I can be married before the baby is born.

You could just mail me the final paperwork in Africa. Oh, no, no, no.

last botched divorce? No, no. I'm going to find you a judge right now. Think of

it as my gift to you.

Okay. Yeah, a baby and a divorce. That's everything on my Christmas list. Thank

you, Santa.

Look at your mom and Jaden.

It's so nice when old people fall in love.

I could vomit.

How you doing, sweetie?

Good, Mommy. Thank you.

Okay, why don't we wrap the rest of these gifts in your room?

I'll take the scissors.

Merry Christmas, Nicole.

I've got your divorce papers processed and ready to go. I just need your paw

print right here on the dotted line.

Wait, so that's it? You guys are divorced? As soon as the ink dries.

Excuse me.

You know what this means.

We can get married right away.

Why don't you let me call Father a day at the Little Alaska Cousin Church?

We can get married as soon as we step off the plane, all right?

Hold on now. I'm happy for you, bro, but if you're calling Africa, you better

dial 10 -10 -3 -2. Use your own phone.

Well, Flex, it's finally done.

Yeah. Yes, it is.

Are you happy?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Baby. Bad news. Father of the Day is booked solid till May.

But that's not till after the baby is born. Baby, I know, but there are other

ministers in Africa.

Well, no, they're probably booked, too. I mean, everybody wants to be married by

the rainy season before all the churches wash away.

Fletch, this is all your fault.

My fault? Baby, calm down. It's just the hormones talking. Shut up!

I'd get married from the depths of my soul to the gas bubbling in my stomach.

If it was up to me, I'd get a minister and have you get married in my house

tonight.

Really?

Did you hear that, Jaden?

Yeah, some crazy idea about us getting married in your ex -husband's apartment.

Say what?

Which I love.

You're getting married?

Here? Daddy?

Baby, you know, the churches, they get washed away during the rainy season.

You're the best ex -husband a girl can ever have.

Come here.

It's so nice when old people get married.

Shut up!

What's up, baby?

Shut up, Mama! You're getting married!

All right, kids.

Now, Nicole has hired me to plan her wedding, so we're going to have to work

together. Now, Spirit, you're going to help me find a dress.

Uh, Arnaz, entertainment.

Oh, Brianna.

You're going to make those little almond wedding favors.

Now, I've got 20 yards of lace and a bucket of candied almonds by my bedside.

You'll understand when you go to college.

I'll go get them.

So, Brianna, there's a lot going on. Got a wedding and a baby.

Looking forward to being a big sister.

Yeah, I'm thrilled.

Can't you see the joy plastered all over my face?

Oh, no, wait. First, you must scrape away the pain.

it's great to be the oldest. You get to tease him about being adopted.

Ray Ray begs me every day to take him to Cleveland to meet his real parents.

Maybe he's trying to get away from you.

Come on, Arnaz. It's the holidays.

Let's just count our blessings.

Or we can count the number of department store standards your mom is bringing

home.

I think you stepped over the line.

The unemployment line your daddy's standing in.

Merry Christmas.

Adelaide and almond spirit, come with me. We are going to my favorite dress

shop.

You'll understand when you pledge in grad school. Come on.

Brianna, are you all right?

This isn't about us, is it?

My drama isn't always about you, Arnaz.

This is about the Jerry Spinger circus going on across the hall with my mom and

the impregnator.

Brianna, I'm surprised at you.

I always thought of you as a Chelsea Clinton of broken homes.

Happy, well -adjusted, and blind to your parents' shortcomings.

All I know is my family would have been a lot better if my parents had never

gotten a divorce.

How do you know that?

Because we would have been a real family.

Brothers and sisters with the same parents, and a mother who's not

around Africa with her boyfriend.

And now the baby's going to get everything I didn't have.

Well, there's no way that baby's going to be as cute as you.

Thank you, Arnie.

You're welcome.

Um, I was thanking you for the support, not the kiss.

My bad.

Apology kiss? What? Get out of here.

What do you want for Christmas, Brianna?

A real family.

under the tree.

Come on, Brianna, get out of bed. We have to turn it back into a coffee

Okay, this has to be a bad dream.

I fell asleep at Dwayne's and I woke up in the Salvation Army showroom.

Actually, they found most of this stuff behind the Salvation Army.

Angela, your wish came true.

This is what your life would be like if your parents stayed together.

Well, what are the rest of these regrets?

The tall one over there is Flex Jr.

That's Michael and Jordan.

Pookie.

There's Tyrone.

He kind of got a thing for fire.

That's Nicoletta. And that's Baby.

Oh, but they're all so cute.

Who are you talking to?

Nicole, do we have an Angela?

No. They can't see me.

Only you can see me.

Oh, look how happy they are.

My mommy and daddy are together.

I have brothers and sisters.

And this house is filled with love.

And some strange smells.

Hi, Brianna. Mr.

Barnes, Mrs. Barnes. Hi, Spirit.

The rest of y 'all.

Hey, Bri, I brought you a present.

It's food.

Hide it so the others don't get it.

Girl, I'm not about to hide food from my family.

We all love each other. We share everything.

Come on, everybody.

I don't need berries on a stick to give my boo a kiss Is

this something you forgot to tell

me You don't have time for love you're too busy taking care of all these kids

And without you to hang out with, Spirit became Arnez's closest friend.

With benefits.

Let's go, baby, and get some hot cocoa.

My treat.

Can Brianna come, Arnez?

Yeah. Yeah.

But don't you be watching.

Oh, wait, wait, Brianna. I need you to take your father his lunch. He forgot

Miracle Whip sandwich again.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a flat -out. Ho, ho, ho.

Well, at least my daddy's still the flat -out man.

Hey, flex man, get back to work.

These floors don't mop themselves.

Wait, my daddy's a janitor?

Actually, he just got a promotion.

He's the assistant to the assistant janitor.

Hey, daddy.

Hey. Hey, baby.

Um, I brought you lunch.

Oh, thank you. I'll eat it later.

Ooh, and saltines. Christmas blessings.

Daddy, um, do you ever think you'll get a chance to become like a sports

reporter or something?

Without a college education?

Are you kidding?

Flex, there's a toilet overflowing.

Okay, I'll be there in a minute.

Well, sweetie, uh...

Thanks for the lunch.

All right, little ghost of Christmas ghetto, what'd you do to my daddy?

I didn't do anything.

Since your mom and dad never got divorced and kept having kids, your dad

had time for basketball or college, so he never got the chance to play in the

NBA and become a sportscaster.

But that was his dream.

We're not living his dream, Brianna.

We're leaving yours.

Tyrone, quit playing with the stove!

Michael, Jordan, stop playing ball in the house!

What? I could be your time out.

Can I spank him? Let me spank him. I got some switches ready just in case.

No!

Okay, Brianna, when you're through folding, I need you to give the baby a

mop the floor, clean the bathroom, and, oh, scrape the rust off the water

heater.

Oh, and then get Christmas dinner started.

What do we have here?

Government turkey.

Ah, sure, it's boneless and comes in a can and children under four aren't

supposed to eat it. But it's meat.

Michael. No, no, no, Jordan. Turn on the TV for Mama.

Ooh, whales.

Oh, such a majestic mammal.

Did you know that a blue whale's blood vessels are big enough for you and me to

swim in?

Really, Ma? Mm -hmm. Oh, and their tongues.

is an elephant my mom is so smart i feel like she's wasting her brain here she

should be doing more than this oh she does she cleans crabs it's not

what you thought it would be is it stop choking them in front of the tvs

How's your business?

Man, we just opened another Big Dwayne's Luxury Cars in Paris.

Man, each car comes with a carton of cigarettes and two crepes.

And since I've been blessed, a little something for you.

Dwayne, look, I'm doing fine. I don't need your money.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Let's not be too hasty.

Dwayne is just being generous.

Take the money. I need a new robe.

Woman, I thought we agreed that Christmas was the one day that we

argue. Can't I just have one day of peace?

Peace?

I'll give you peace. How about a piece of my shoe in your behind?

Oh, see, now, I lifted that restraining order against you because of the kids.

Look, I can't make them happy,

Brianna. Well, why not? Aren't you like an angel or something?

I'm not an angel. I'm your guide.

And can't you see?

Their lives and your life are exactly the way they should be.

Woman, I said I had enough of your back talk. I said I paid the light bill.

I knew you didn't pay the light bill.

I have to go, but don't worry.

I'll see you again in four months.

Yes.

Wait, what do you mean, sis?

Nini cupinda.

Nini cupinda? What does that mean?

Wait, Angela.

Angela!

Oh, Brianna, you're not dressed.

Baby.

Baby, why aren't you dressed? The wedding's about to start any minute.

Mommy, it's you.

Yeah. And you're not wearing your funky house coat.

On my wedding day? I hope not.

Well, baby, why aren't you dressed?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, you don't want Mommy to get married.

Baby, I won't get married if you don't want me to get married. No, no.

Mommy, I want you to get married.

I want you to be happy.

You look beautiful.

Dwayne picked out a great dress for you.

I know. I can't believe he took me to Baby Mama Bridal Shop.

Look, baby, um... I'm sorry if I haven't set a good example for you.

Believe me, I did not do this on purpose.

They don't have the patch in Skakooza.

Look, Mom, everything is perfect, just the way it should be.

You and Daddy had your time together, and now it's time for you and Jaden.

And plus, I'm really excited about the baby.

Oh, God.

That is so important to me.

Baby, I just want you to know that no one, and I mean no one, can replace you

my life.

So if you ever, ever want to come back to me,

Baby, I am always here for you.

Ooh.

The baby just kicked.

Oh, she did?

Let me feel.

She? We don't know if it's a girl.

I do.

You should name her Angela.

Angela.

I like that.

Mommy, what does ninico panda mean?

Oh, that's Swahili.

It means I love you.

Cool.

I love you, too.

And who giveth this woman away?

We do.

Merry Christmas.

Love you too, Netta.