Original subtitles

Your breakfast might have been fine with Hank, but as your new producer, I want

my anchors lean and mean.

Smack my bagel again, Geraldine, and I'll show you mean.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Now, see, we're drinking our breakfast this morning. You do know that's what

Hank fired, right? This is coffee, not wild turkey.

And I believe it was driving his car through the lobby that got Hank fired.

Well, in his defense, he did. Yo, watch out, it's happy hour.

I'm really going to miss the guy.

Well, I'm not going to miss the lousy ratings.

Hey, my ratings are fine.

I'm number one with men 25 and older. I don't care about men over 25.

I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

The point is, we dump a lot of money into your weekend flex files, and the

desired demographic is men 18 to 24.

Well, my desired demographic are women who don't talk to me while I'm eating.

When there's nobody around.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be very thick and thin.

What a true love we are.

Baby, you and I.

Baby, one on one. One on one.

Can't nobody break this bond. Baby, one on one. Baby, one on one. Now we're

having fun. Baby, one on one.

One on one.

So, Flex, what are we having for Thanksgiving dinner this year? Oh, oh.

the trimmings. Turkey, homemade oyster stuffing, yams, macaroni, cheese,

greens, and sweet potato pie.

Daddy, so when is all this being delivered?

Noon, Thursday.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's get up in there.

Yeah,

take that right there for yourself.

What is it, store -bought maple syrup?

Man, I have a whole bucket of fresh -tapped.

Where did you get a bucket of fresh -tapped maple syrup?

Let's just say I'm no longer welcome at the Botanical Gardens.

I'll go get it.

Uh, Daddy, you aren't going to wait for Dwayne's fresh tap syrup?

Sweetie, there are no maple trees in a botanical garden.

Hello, Dwayne. Hello.

Dwayne, calm down. Calm down.

I'm not Dwayne. I'm Julius, Dwayne's flamboyant dog walker.

It's me, son. Your father.

Yeah, right.

Like I'm supposed to believe every burglar who breaks in claiming to be my

father. Well, how do I know you're not some swindler, some grifter, someone

trying to steal my fortune in an in -home game of three -card Monty?

You got me confused with your mama's brother, Uncle Wendell the Swindle.

Well, everybody knows about Uncle Wendell the Swindle.

Does everybody know about those three moles on your back in the shape of a

mouse?

You know about Mickey Mole?

Daddy, is that really you?

It's me.

Oh, Daddy!

Where the hell have you been?

Then why did you run away from me when I went to your apartment looking for you?

I didn't know it was you.

All I knew was somebody tapped into my computer and got my address.

But why did you break into my apartment, leave your watch, and not even say hi?

I guess I was ashamed.

I wasn't ready to face you.

But why now?

Well, I've been there for three hours and I still can't find my watch.

I'm not joking, Dad.

Where were you?

Son, when I first met your mama, I told her I was not the settling down type.

We were both really young.

But I'm older now.

And let's just say it's time to set some things right.

That's not good enough.

I got some bubble gum.

Daddy!

I just met with a recruiter from the Fashion Institute, and he said that I

potential and could qualify for a scholarship, but I have to come up with

original design by the end of this week.

Look at Arnett talking to that girl.

That's probably the hoochie he lost his virginity to.

I can't believe I was going to give it up to him thinking he was giving it up

me, only find out he gave it up to her. Well, let's give it up for the hoochie.

Brianna, that's the cafeteria lady.

Girl, he won't tell me who it was. It could be anybody. It's driving me crazy.

Oh, here he comes. Let's pretend like we're not talking about him.

Oh, hey, Ernest. Hey, guys. What's going on?

Nothing. We just had our college interview.

Trying to figure out which co -ed dorms I want to live in. I thought you didn't

want to go to college.

Yeah, there's a lot of things I thought I wanted to do, but I don't want to do

anymore. Maybe we should think about U of A.

University of Arnaz.

Always accepting applications.

Yeah, that's the problem. I hear it's very easy to get into.

Can we get back to my problem?

Okay, I only have a week to impress this recruiter or else I'm going to wallow

in mediocrity for the rest of my life.

Why should your future be any different than your past?

This is serious. Look, Brianna, you've got your daddy, the TV guy, who can send

you to college. And Arnaz, you've got those huge guilt payments from your

philandering daddy.

Me? My parents are two black hippies who run an infant shop.

Okay, instance, cart.

But I have to get a scholarship to go to college.

Okay, girl, what can we do to help?

Okay, I have to come up with an original outfit. But what can I do? It's all

been done.

Wait, it's only all been done until someone else thinks of it.

Take leather shoes, for instance.

People were walking around barefoot until someone looked at a cow and

bet I could wear that.

Now all you have to do is find your cow.

Where am I going to find my cow?

Well, maybe our nest can help.

So what was the name of that hoochie?

Hey, Geraldine.

I worked on a little something to bring in 18 - and 24 -year -olds. A new

opening for the Flex 5s. Check out the little track I put together. It's hot,

it's hot.

Flex 1, Flex 2, the Flex 5s. It's Flex Dream, y 'all. It's Flex and Lizzo. Flex

and Lizzo. Flex.

Yeah, it sounds Flex stupid.

What you need is what every man 18 to 24 needs.

One of those.

That's your new sexy sidekick. She trained under Brokaw.

Interpret that how you will.

Everyone here at Winx is so nice.

Actually, it's just W -Y -N -X.

Oh, it's Winx.

Flex, I'd like you to meet Holly Spears.

Hi, Holly Spears. Any relation to Britney Spears?

No, but I know a Britney who works at Sears.

Isn't she great? She'll be the perfect sidekick for you.

For this weekend's Flex Files, I need you guys to work out a cute little bit.

Okay? Good.

So, what kind of bits do you want to do?

How about you don't talk to me and I pretend you don't exist?

Am I doing it right?

That's me and Mama at the Salem tobacco field.

I can hear your Mama wheezing.

So have you called Mama yet?

No, son. She doesn't want to hear from me.

Good. I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you.

So tell me more about you.

You're not doing any drugs or drinking, are you?

Well, I do enjoy the occasional glass of Merlot while I'm taking a bubble bath

like any other guy.

Right.

Hey, what's up, B?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. Oh, he's not company.

He's my father.

You mean... That's right, man. My daddy came back.

Oh, Dad, this is Flex.

How you doing?

Dwayne's dad.

Wow, Dwayne's dad.

So, what do we owe this long -overdue, sudden, out -of -the -blue visit to your

son? Just cruise in the neighborhood?

I know what you're going to say, Flex.

But my son and I have agreed to put the past behind us. Exactly. What matters is

that he's here now.

Oh, so, Dwayne, you're going to put your past in the same box as your tears,

empty dreams, and broken promises?

Oh, I'm sorry. That box is full.

Yeah. Box of tears.

Told you he's a funny guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of funny, I got this riddle.

Where have you been for the past 30 years?

That's okay, Flex, all right? We've already covered that.

We're just happy to be back in each other's lives.

Right, Pop?

Right, son.

Ooh, I'm going to get some more photo books.

He's something else, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

And I don't want to see him hurt again.

So if you're playing some kind of game with him, you need to leave sooner

than later.

Some might call me a player, but I'm not playing the game now. I missed my boy.

Hey, hey, look.

I found some old photos of you and Mom.

Look at you two.

That's not me.

Oh, what about this one? Oh, there you are.

That's not me either.

What about this picture of you and Mom in the hot tub?

Yeah, now that's me. I knew it. I knew that one was you.

Man, I can't wait to dig into this pre -packaged stuffing.

Uh, Dwayne Bear, how about sticking to some white meat and some green

vegetables? Keep my boy strong and healthy.

All these years I've longed for the firm yet tender hand of guidance from a man

that Mama didn't meet at a racetrack, and now I have it.

Maybe later you can give me a whoopin'.

That is so touching.

Yeah, you do love touching, don't you?

No, I just think it's really nice to see a father and son show affection.

Too often men are afraid to show their true emotions.

I think we'd all be better off if they did.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, he disgusts me.

Okay, everybody, before we dive in, let's join hands and go around the table

saying what we're thankful for.

I'm thankful that I can eat Thanksgiving dinner.

Without choking on incense smoke.

I'm thankful Mom finally started dating again and is having Thanksgiving at her

boyfriend's house.

Okay, halfway house.

I'm thankful that I'm not government cheese.

You know, something cheap and very easy to get a piece of.

I'm thankful for my family and my friends and that my best friend has

found his father.

Who I'm keeping this eye on at all times.

I'm thankful to have such a wonderful, loving, and healthy son with two kidneys

since I'll be needing one of them next.

I'm thankful that my fantastic daddy came back and that he needs my kidney.

What? What?

My kidney?

You want my kidney?

Why don't you go on and carve my heart out, too? Go on.

Dwayne, I don't see what the big deal is. All I want is a little kidney.

I knew I was right about you.

I want my thankfulness back.

Son, it's not what you think. You know what I think?

You didn't come back because you missed me.

All you wanted were my kidneys.

Well, we're going.

Come on, fellas.

Let's go.

I better go talk to him. No, I will.

I know him better.

Dwayne, what are you doing? I need a drink. Something to wash away the pain.

Some hard liquor to put some hair on my chest and get rid of the hairs on my

back.

Cooking sherry.

I'm sorry, man. After all these years, you deserve better.

Flex, do you know what it's like to grow up without a father?

I mean, not to have someone to teach you how to throw a curveball or how to talk

to girls.

Someone to tell you that when you shave, the blade goes up and down and out side

to side.

Ooh, yeah, who could ever forget Bloody Monday?

Man, you've been more of a father to me than that, man.

You were there for all my birthdays.

You taught me how to drive.

Taught me how to whistle, how to skip rocks.

You even took me down to the fishing hole.

I think that was Andy Griffith, man.

Yeah, well, at least you were there to watch it with me.

I'd give you a kidney before I gave one to him.

I even give one to Annie Griffith. I get it, Dwayne. Look, I'm just as shocked

as you are.

What if his life depends on it?

Maybe you should hear your father out before you make any decisions.

Nope.

Made my mind up.

My kidney stays with me.

All right, look, you're my boy. And if that's your decision, now I got your

back.

And if you try to get all urban legend and take a kidney, this is gonna ruin it

for him.

Uh, Dwayne, alcohol messes up your liver, not your kidneys.

Well, see, if I had a daddy, maybe I'd know that.

What? What do you want me to do during the show thingy?

Uh, leave the show thingies to me. You just chime in when I cue you.

Stop it.

I'm not that kind of girl without dinner and drinks.

Please, somebody wake me from this nightmare.

Going to air in ten seconds, boys and girls.

And five, four, three.

What's up, Baltimore?

Fleck Washington with the Fleck Files. Today in sports... Right.

I'd like to introduce to you my new side, my co, my... This is Holly, y

Mario and Jamal Lewis set a new rushing record against the Cleveland Browns. The

question is, is Jamal Lewis the best running back in the game? He's not the

cutest.

I'm sorry, Holly?

Well, I'm saying he can run it all, but he isn't that cute.

Well, when it comes to smash -mouth football, looks aren't everything.

I asked Ricky Williams what he thought. Now, Ricky Williams is a cutie pie.

Nobody cares about cuteness. My girlfriend's using what to not be care.

She says he's got a cute butt, tight, like the conga drum. You know the conga,

right, Flux?

What does that have to do with anything? Everybody loves conga!

Management just called from upstairs, Flux.

They love her.

Wait for you to get left behind.

had an epiphany.

Whatever that is.

Anyway, I give you trousers created by spirit presenting trousers.

Pants that look like sneakers.

You know what? Those aren't bad. I like them.

Oh, yeah, of course you would. Pants that come with laces. Easy to get them

You know what, Brianna?

You've been making these digs in me the last few days.

You got something you want to say to me? Just say it.

I don't know what you're talking about, Arnaz.

Okay, this is driving me crazy. Arnaz, she wants to know who you've been

around with.

Spirit, how could you say that? I told you that in confidence.

So, Arnaz, who's the girl with no standards?

Dwayne!

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to talk to Dwayne, but he doesn't even want to talk to his own

Yeah, with all due respect, Mr. Knox, you may be Dwayne's father, but you're

his daddy.

With all due respect, Flex, why don't you mind your own business?

Dwayne is my business, and he's been my business for the past 30 years.

You don't even know what his favorite cereal is, or what he's allergic to, or

what movies make him cry.

Any man can be a father, but to be a daddy, you've got to know your own kid.

Who are you to judge me?

How are you going to tell me what kind of daddy I am?

You're right.

Flex can't tell you what kind of daddy you are, but I can tell you what kind of

daddy you aren't.

You're not the kind of daddy who takes his son to the hospital after he breaks

his arm.

You're not the kind of daddy who holds his child after they have a bad dream.

And he had a lot of those.

And you're definitely not the kind of daddy who comes back into his son's life

because he loves him.

I don't blame you, Dwayne.

Who am I to think that I could show up after 30 years and expect you to forgive

me, welcome me with open arms, give me a vital organ?

It was nice meeting you, son.

Look, look, I know I've been hard on him.

But he is your father.

I mean, maybe he's telling the truth.

My favorite cereal is Crunch Berries.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

And any movie where Nicole Kidman dies makes me cry.

Son, I may have had selfish reasons for leaving you and your mom, but my reason

for coming back to find you is love.

The kidney just gave me an excuse.

You really don't need a kidney?

Oh, yeah, I need a kidney.

But I need you more.

I'll, uh, leave you alone with your daddy.

All I ever wanted was to get to know you.

Maybe find out more about who I am.

You are Dwayne Odell Nock, my son.

Your grandmother named you Dwayne.

You've got her eyes.

And her facial hair. Oh, yeah.

And hers growing uneven, too.

We've gotten more calls on this afternoon's Flex Files than ever. I knew

would hate her. Is she fired?

Sorry, the fans love her. That bimbo is not going anywhere.

Oh,

Holly. Hi, sweetie.

Don't patronize me, sweetie.

Listen, we need to renegotiate my contract, and here's how it's going to

down. I want you to lock me in for two years with a third -year option and

forget about the no -compete clause. I am not some neophyte who can be

constrained by the verisimilitude of an ironclad contract.

Holly, you're not dumb.

You're not an idiot.

You're smart.

Don't insult me.

I'm brilliant.

I have a master's in journalism from Columbia. There's a Mensa calendar where

I'm every stinking month.

Do people want the smart chick?

No. They want the bimbo.

So I dumbed it down like a California governor.

Now, we have 20 minutes before air flex, and you might want to stretch.

We're doing the limbo tonight.

The Flex Files is my show.

We're not doing the limbo.

Brooks passed for over 300 yards this week, leading the Saints to a 24 -10

victory. By the end of the game, his arm was as limp as a piece of macaroni.

Love you too, Netta.