Original subtitles

Honey, the exterminator needs to know how big the mouse was.

It was a rat, Flex, not a mouse.

Mice are cute. They wear vets and top hats and carry canes.

And they dance.

Thank you.

Honey, he says because of the construction going on next door, they're

the building and they have to exterminate.

And you should cut back on the cartoon network.

Exterminate? How long will that take?

Mice with canes, two weeks.

It's not funny, Flex. Now I can't stay in my apartment.

Well, why don't you just stay here?

Or maybe not.

No, no. I could stay with one of my girlfriends.

Maybe a relative.

I know some lovely women's shelters.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know what?

You should stay here.

I think it's a great idea.

You do?

Absolutely.

But I can't tell no one else.

So don't isolate yourself when there's nobody.

I'm exercising my psychic muscle.

You are here because... Feel the burn.

Feel the burn.

I got nothing.

What are you up to, D?

Well, Mom and I were watching that show where people go on to talk to the dead.

Oh, Crossing Over? No, Larry King Live.

And she reminded me that I was born with a veil over my eyes and that I might

have the gift of second sight.

So, what brings you over?

Why don't you tell me? Flex, just...

I just came by to tell you that, uh, you got a new neighbor.

Natalie's moving in with me for a while.

She's got rats.

Oh. I had a hamster once.

But, Flex, you know that living with women has never been your forte.

What do you mean?

I'm very easy to live with.

Matt, you can't handle women in your space.

When it comes to relationships, space is your final frontier.

Do I need to remind you about the Tanya fiasco of 2002?

Ooh. Mm -hmm. Or the Nicole debacle of the late 20th century?

I just hope that you can avoid what is destined to become the Natalie Melee of

Old Trade.

Well, Natalie's different. I'm different. There will be no fiasco, no

and the only melee will be me laying in my baby's arms. You heard me?

Ernest! You know you did not start eating without me.

Honey, I was just making sure it's the right temperature for you.

It's perfect.

Dang, didn't you let the boy eat when he wants to? He's your boyfriend, not your

slave. You got one thing right, Brianna.

He's my boyfriend.

So mind your own B .I. business.

Besides, I thought you had a man.

Where is Brad Pitiful anyway?

None of your B .I. business.

Your man got you a little... Hold up.

I've seen this before.

Uh, girl, girl, everybody's wearing hoes. You don't have one? You need to

witty. I know where I've seen this.

Arnett!

What do you know? A perfect match.

Oh. You told me this was a Christmas gift from your grandmama.

And what do you have to add?

Uh, his grandmama gave me one, too.

You know what I think?

You two can just take your little Walmart hearts and...

Wow, she took that a lot better than I thought she would.

Yeah, it could have been worse.

Hey,

baby.

Welcome home. What's all of this? You held up baggage claim?

plants have to be watered and my fish have to be fed well why do you need all

these suitcases you normally bring a duffel bag when you come over well

for weekend natalie monday through friday natalie needs a lot more

yeah but i can't even see my accoutre couch oh ah i see you

took it upon yourself to take down some of my things and put up some of your

things which uh makes perfect sense because after all it is my apartment

Well, honey, I know how you love these paintings. And it helps stimulate my

creativity. I'm not taking up too much space, am I?

No. And actually, I kind of like how cluttered it is in here with no direct

to any place in the apartment. I mean, after all, who doesn't like a maze?

Hey, Flat, Flat.

You won't believe it. I really am psychic. This morning, I was at the bus

right? When the bus came...

And something told me not to get on it.

Was that something your car?

Well, it's in the shop.

Oh, and something told me that it needed an oil change.

Was that something the oil light?

Hmm, I'm sensing sarcasm.

But that bus got in an accident.

I could have been killed, but thanks to my psychic ability, I'm still alive.

Well, if you're psychic, why don't you warn the rest of the passengers?

Well, I'm also a looky -loo.

Something smells good. What is it?

Tofurkey.

Tofurkey?

Tofu that tastes like turkey. Taste it.

No, see, turkey tastes like turkey.

Tofurkey tastes like toe.

I need to get me a soda to wash it down.

Ah.

Uh.

Half empty cans of soda in the fridge?

No, I can never finish a whole one. And by the time I'm in the mood for another

one, the first one's flat.

So, uh, why don't you just throw it away?

Because I thought you might want it.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Why on earth would I want a flat soda?

I'm sorry, honey, what was that? I said, why on earth would I want a fat Yoda?

Things I think about when I'm alone, which I'm not anymore.

Thanks to you.

Okay, I'm ready for my chemistry test. Ask me any question.

What's up with Arnaz and Ginger breaking up?

That's not in the book.

Well, I'm just curious. I mean, rumor is he's been cheating with some hussy.

Hussy? Or a misunderstood hussy?

I doubt it's even true. I'm surprised the guy got one girl, let alone two.

Yeah, right.

Two girlfriends.

He's a loser.

Oh, I got baseball practice.

I gotta go.

I feel home for you today.

Well, you've already stolen my heart.

Well, then I hope I get a life sentence in love prison.

And I won't let you off for good behavior.

performance by a cheating hussy and a teenage drama ghost to Brianna Barnes.

I'm not cheating. Come on now, Brianna, you're cheating with your heart and your

lips. I saw you kissing Arnaz at Christmas, and Ginger dumped him because

that necklace that he gave you. That's because Ginger was tripping. This is

a friendship necklace. It doesn't mean anything.

Then why don't you tell Josh the truth? I mean, the poor simple boy thinks it's

a kidney, for God's sake.

And that's the way I want to keep it.

Well, I'm just saying. Your hips are going to get awfully wide if you keep

having your cake and eating it, too.

Well, I can have my cake and eat it, too, and just work out.

Traffic was insane.

What are you watching?

I'm trying to catch this new 50 Cent video.

Oh, okay.

You wouldn't believe the day I had it. Every class was out of control.

I had these two brothers in my fourth period class.

Boy, is she jacked. And they're not twins.

Actually, they're nine months apart. You know what that means.

So anyway, the guy gets his whole fist in his mouth, and suddenly it doesn't

come out.

Okay,

so I call the nurse, and within seconds, the fist is out.

Wow.

A fascinating story.

If I had a point to it, I could use it to punch my eardrums.

What are these?

Kingdings. Oh, my only guilty pleasure.

I used to eat them all the time when I was a little girl.

Oh, that's cute. Where are my Twinkies?

Oh, I forgot to buy them, but you should try those.

My mother used to give them to me all the time.

Whenever I got an A, when I did my homework, when I cleaned my room,

dogs, taking out the trash.

Look at her talk.

She hasn't taken a breath yet.

Washing the dishes.

Oh, everything.

She must have been one fat kid.

Thank God.

Saved by the bell.

Hello? No, she did not answer my phone.

Oh, no, this is his girlfriend, Natalie. Who's this?

No woman's supposed to come up in my house and use my phone. Who does she

she is?

Pushing her weird art in her king dings.

She's taking over.

I can't.

I can't.

back normal, but it seems you have the classic symptoms of an anxiety attack.

An anxiety attack? I don't have any anxiety.

Baby, there weren't any Twinkies in the vending machine, but they had Kingdings.

Oh, hi, Doctor. I'm Natalie, his girlfriend. Nice to meet you.

Do you mind stepping into the hallway for a moment?

Is everything okay?

Oh, he's going to be fine. I just need to talk to him alone.

Okay.

Mr. Washington, try and calm down. I'm cool. I'm fine.

Mr. Washington, just picture yourself on a desert island alone.

Ah.

Wow. How long have you two been seeing each other? About eight months, but

been kind of living together lately.

But it's been wonderful, hasn't it, Flex?

Uh -huh.

Mostly.

Mostly? Yeah, well... You know, it's new and all. I guess I'm just not used to

it yet.

Oh, Flax, I didn't know you felt that way.

Baby, why didn't you tell me?

Not communicating could be the source of your anxiety.

If something's bothering you, just say, Honey, when you do X, it makes me feel

Y. And respond with, What I'm hearing you say is X, Y, Z.

It'll only lead to a stronger, healthier, anxiety -free relationship.

Well, thanks, Doc.

We'll give it a shot. And from this point on, I'll be completely upfront

my feelings with Natalie.

Good. Okay, honey, let's go home. I'll make you a big bowl of tofurkey noodle

soup.

This is going to be the longest 55 minutes of my life.

Oh, no.

Pervert period.

You know she's playing you right.

What are you talking about, Ginger?

Look, Josh, I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but that pendant your

girl wears, Arnaz wears the other half.

Why would Arnaz wear half a kidney around his neck?

It must be 72 and sunny every day in Joshland.

each wear a hat.

All I'm saying is, you better check your girl.

Natalie, want to practice our relationship exercise?

Okay, sweetie. You start.

All right.

When you wear your bunny slippers, it makes me feel kind of risky.

Oh, really?

Well, what I'm hearing you say is...

You want to get down and dirty.

I like this new communication thing.

Something wrong?

No.

Well, yes.

When you dry the glasses with the towel, I feel like you might be leaving

streaks.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What I'm hearing you say is I should let the glasses drip

dry. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, and honey, as long as we're opening up, you know when you're in the bathroom

and you leave your hair all over the soap, the tub, the sink, the floor? I

it, Flux.

It makes me feel like scalping you.

Okay.

What I'm hearing is you're a controlling, obsessive, passive

freak. This is fun.

What, I'm a neat freak?

Well, You're a slob.

Uh -uh, uh -uh, uh -uh. That's not how Dr. Ellis said to say it.

Okay. When you're a slob, I feel like it's no wonder dancing mice took over

apartment.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'd rather share my place with them than an anal -retentive

-hater.

Look, Lex, I'm answering your phone. Hello?

Hello? Are you gonna fake now?

That anxiety attack was brought on by you and your 60 ,000 suitcases all over

apartment. Your apartment.

I get it. This isn't about me being messy or answering your phone or buying

dings over your precious Twinkies. Yes, it is. I hate king dings. I hate them, I

hate them, I hate them.

You never even tried them.

See, this is about you and your issues.

And since when have you cared about streaks on a glass?

I've seen you eat french fries off the floor.

Hey, they landed on the carpet. I always observe the less than five second rule.

whole neat thing started when i moved in you don't have to be a therapist to

know that you started throwing up roadblocks because i got too close look

don't have problems getting close to people okay can you take a step back

starting to feel like a public school classroom in here you're impossible flex

you know i thought we were past all of your commitment issues but obviously

you're still protecting your independence well congratulations you're

The kidneys do match.

Um, I can explain.

Okay, go ahead, explain.

Explain why my girlfriend's wearing another man's kidney.

For God's sakes, it's not a kidney, it's a heart.

Look, dude, it's no big deal.

It's just a charm, it doesn't mean anything.

No, really?

Well, then take it off.

That's what I thought.

No, no, no, really. I can't find the clasp. It's cheap.

Look, Brianna, I don't want to do this anymore.

All right? You're going to have to choose once and for all.

Me or Arnaz. You can't have both.

You know?

For once, I agree with him.

I can tell you how I was so wrong.

What's so great about these ding -dings anyway?

These are good.

I was wondering if you wanted to shoot a little pool.

Ooh. What happened here?

She's gone, man.

She's gone.

Oh, wait. Mm.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, I know what happened.

She made your place feel like a home, filled up all the empty spaces in your

heart, got too close, and you ran her away.

Oh, right. You know all this because you're psychic?

No, man.

I know all this because I know you.

Ooh, King Dings.

Man, I love these.

Mom used to give me these when I was a kid.

When I got an A, when I'd take out the trash, when I slept in the backyard when

she had company.

You're right, Daddy. I messed up.

Me too.

Would it really be so hard for Arnaz and Josh to just share me?

Would it really be so hard for me to...

Share my life with Natalie?

I think it's time for me to choose one, Daddy.

I think it's time I marry Natalie.

What do you think?

I'm seeing Brianna standing in front of two doors.

One that says Josh.

The other one says Arnaz.

Oh, he's good.

Yeah, yeah.

So, which one does she choose?

She's going to choose... No, wait.

She's going to choose... No, I'm sorry.

What? It's $1 .99 a minute. Your time has expired.

Love you too, Netta.