Original subtitles

Dwayne, my dad's retirement party is supposed to be a surprise, so I need you

keep him occupied and get him back here by 7 p .m. sharp.

That's when I release him to doves.

Aw, man, I love doves.

They're the birds of peace.

Unless you could teach them to attack on command.

Ah, then they would become the most dangerous weapon in the world.

Ow!

No,

the most dangerous weapon in the world is your mind.

Now, stay focused.

Making my dad's party great is really important to me because I just... Arnaz,

for $5 an hour, I expect to see more bleach on the floor and less in your

$5 an hour? I thought you said six.

It was six without back talk. Looks like you blew that.

Good work, big mouth. Why don't you just tell him about the vase we broke?

I mean that spirit broke.

Okay, Aunt Bernie. Good luck in Kauai.

Uh, Daddy, bad news. Aunt Bernie can't make it to the party.

First, my brother Chris bails on the party. I gotta have surgery. I got a

of glass in my eye. Now I'm Bernie.

You know, after all my father has done for us, he deserves the perfect party.

As usual, it's up to me to make everything right.

Flex, don't you think you're overreacting?

I mean, your dad will understand. It's just a retirement party.

Now, Dwayne, I realize that you don't even know your father, so maybe you

have the same passion for him like I have for my dad.

Arnaz, feel free to clean the floors with my tears.

Sometimes inside, you can be alone by yourself.

But I have a partner, but I can't trust no one else.

So don't isolate yourself when there's nobody around.

mother. Does she prefer a square toe or a round toe?

Or maybe she likes an open toe.

I didn't bring any.

I'll have to run to the store and get some.

You got nothing to worry about. No, you don't understand. My boyfriend's

mother's always end up hating me. Why?

Because I always feel like they're judging me.

And I don't do well when people are judging me.

You're judging me now.

Hey, nobody's judging you. It just comes as a bit of a surprise.

I always thought of you as so confident, you know, so together.

Nah, that's all a facade.

I can't handle the pressure of meeting parents.

Haven't you ever wondered why a woman that looks like this is still single?

Well, you know, I thought I was very lucky.

Or you had a huge flaw in your character.

What am I going to do?

Don't worry.

I'll be here for you. And together we'll make each other strong.

Bad news, Flex.

The doves are gone.

Get off me, woman.

The party is ruined.

I mean, how did you lose? Flex, we were rehearsing, and I figured they'd just,

you know, fly away, then come right back. Well, they flew away, and they

come back.

Oh, my God.

It's her.

It's your mom.

Baby, baby, baby, calm down. I'm with you.

Brianna, go get the door.

You ready, Natalie?

Yes, yes, I'm Natalie, yes. She's ready, yes.

Sweetie, don't talk in third person around my mother.

Oh, hey, Grandma.

Oh, there's my little sweetie.

Natalie, this is my mom. Mom, this is Natalie. Oh, nice to meet you, Natalie.

Hi, I'm Natalie.

Yes!

Isn't she pretty, Grandma?

Okay,

it's mostly makeup. No, no, no, dear, no. It's my dog, Petey.

Oh, Mom, why don't you bring Petey to the party? He's going to ruin

Oh, now you know I always take Petey everywhere.

Oh, my feet hurt.

When are they going to get some parking around here? I had to walk three blocks

and, oh, my dogs are barking.

Oh,

but she has a dog, get it? This dog. Oh, yeah, that's funny.

and it looks like this party is going south.

I want you to go to Sea King and get some more shrimp and take Petey with

Go on.

Now, don't leave Petey in the car, okay?

He's got a skin condition.

You don't want him oozing on the seats.

Okay.

So that explains why he's so sticky.

Achoo!

I'm sorry. There's no way I'm riding in the same car as that dog.

I know. He always smells funny, too.

Like a burp.

Oh, well, do you think he'll mind?

Do we care?

So,

Mr. Excitement, you think they're ready for me at my surprise party yet?

No, they're not going to be ready until about 7.

How'd you find out?

My barbers told me at the shop when they gave me a party yesterday.

So, um, so what do you plan on doing with your retirement?

Oh, Dwayne, I don't know. I don't golf.

I'm not into fishing.

I always dreamed of being a world traveler.

Ah, a gadabout.

Yeah, whatever.

I just think there's so much out there for me to see.

Thing is, I don't like flying.

Huh.

You know, Flying's not the only way to travel.

This is our Millennium Road Boss. It has six wheels that'll never leave the

ground. Unless you hit a hairpin turn.

That over eight miles an hour.

Okay, we need a new plan of attack.

How about we get to talk about teaching?

Yes, she's a teacher, you're a teacher.

Yes, I can do this.

So, Mom.

Remember, I was telling you that Natalie's a teacher just like you. Oh,

right. What subject do you teach?

Art. Ooh, art. How creative.

Yes, it's very fulfilling.

I'd much rather help children interpret subject matter rather than make them

regurgitate facts out of a textbook. You know, like history or something.

And what subject did you teach?

History.

So, those devil eggs, huh?

You going with the DJ on this time?

Huh, Mommy?

so I can boss them around.

Why is it that parents make teenagers do stuff that they can do for themselves?

Well, all I know is... Ronald, what's that?

Was that what I think it was?

Petey.

Oh, poor Petey. Please tell me he's still alive.

Well, he stopped bouncing.

Now put the paprika in the bowl.

Mix it up.

See, that's how we make the famous barn devil eggs.

Why don't you take these and put them on the coffee table?

Atta girl, yeah.

Flex, things have been going great since I stopped talking.

That's my girl.

You know what? The guests will be arriving any minute. Could you do me a

Would you put my mom's coat in the spare bedroom?

Sure.

Oh, Mom, what do you think about Natalie?

Well, Lex, I'm sure she's a really nice girl.

But she hasn't got the sense that God gave an outhouse rat.

She probably teaches art because it's the only word she could spell on the

application. Mom, that's not fair.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but Natalie's just not the girl for you.

You know, that's the most she said to me in the last hour.

Natalie, please let me in.

No.

Mom, how could you do something like this? You hurt her feelings. You know,

need to patch this up. People are going to be here any minute.

Oh, don't worry, Natalie.

I'll get that.

Lex, I'm sure this is your grandmother and your Uncle Slidell.

the right place, Slidell. I know, Mama. You know everything.

How many officers in the galley, how many miles to the moon, how many

gotta miss before they revoke my parole.

Slidell, good to see you.

Queen Esther?

Unit, unit.

My big brother's proud.

You knew it should have been me at the carnival that day.

Where's that girlfriend we've been hearing so much about? I can't wait to

her. I just hope she don't have big hips like Eunice.

Well, at least I got all my teeth.

I can't go in there.

Brianna, you have to go in there sooner or later.

But can't you see?

I got blood on my hands.

That's because you put Petey in this box instead of kicking him down the sewer

like I suggested.

he committed suicide.

I mean, he did look a little depressed.

Yeah, you would, too, if you saw a car bumper coming at you at 50 miles an

You guys don't get it. My grandma would never forgive me.

I need to go get myself together.

And wash my hands.

Where's my baby Richard?

I don't know, but my Richard should have been here by now.

I know I wouldn't be running home if you made me that potato.

Baby, come out. Flex, I'm not coming out until that woman apologizes to Natalie.

Okay, here comes Mama.

Natalie, I'm sorry.

You're the perfect girl for my son.

I apologize now.

Well, then wouldn't it be best for everybody if she just stayed in that

I'm sure there are plenty of shiny things in there for her to play with.

Mom, look, I am tired of you doing this. I said no, Mr. Creepers. Let me be.

Uncle Slidell, you been drinking?

Where'd you find the liquor?

I didn't.

While I was in your bathroom, I noticed your mouthwash was 30 % alcohol.

So I mixed myself in a cocktail.

Mint juice?

Come on, now. You need to lay down. Go across the Hall of Dwayne so you don't

stink up my place.

Oh!

The boy's all up because he used deodorant.

Hey,

now. What in the name of Lena Horne naked on the Internet is going on around

here?

We killed Grandma's dog.

No, no, no, no. You killed Grandma's dog.

is if you hadn't lived.

You see, Petey gave love, and he received love. He lived,

and then he died.

You see, children, death isn't an ending.

It's a beginning.

We should celebrate!

I didn't say nothing about no amen. I said, can I get amen?

My friend is humming.

Oh, my gosh, he's alive.

It's a miracle.

Oh, see, now we say amen because the little donkey came back to life.

Natalie, you've got to eat something.

Okay, I'm sticking one of these pigs in a blanket under the door.

Okay, the blanket came off.

Well, here comes the pig.

Did you spit in this?

Now, look, for the last 40 years, I've been listening to your guff, old lady.

And as of today, we are not talking anymore.

Well, roll another cake, because that's a reason to celebrate.

How dare you?

Grandma,

what is it with the women in this family?

You're so...

Oh, honey, she's so easy to get to.

I've been riding her like a pack mule since the day Richard brought her home.

Well, why?

Don't you like my mother?

I like her fine.

But she took away my Richard.

And he was a sensible one.

The least she could have done was taken Slidell off my hands.

Grandma, it's not like she stole my dad from you. He's still a part of your

life. It's not the same thing.

I had been taking care of Richardson the day he was born.

Then this woman comes along and pretends that she can do a better job than me.

But Grandma, Mom and Dad have been married for 40 years.

Well, that doesn't matter.

As long as my feet hit the pavement, honey, I'll always be his mama.

And no big hip hoppy gonna change that.

That's why she chased my girlfriend into the spare bedroom.

What? Uh, Natalie.

This is my grandmother, Queen Esther.

Nice to meet you.

I'll let you two girls get acquainted.

Oh, so I hear you're a pretty girl.

Grandma's a piece of work, isn't she, Ma?

Hurts the day I met that woman.

Must be hard having your man's mother not like you.

I haven't been fair to Natalie, have I?

Well, I think I know what you're going through.

But I'm going to always need you.

Oh, yeah, like your brother and sister?

He didn't even ask me to fly in for his surgery. She's busy traveling around the

world and...

Probably got a mother in every port.

Who, Bernie?

Don't nobody want to be her mother but you.

True.

But then there's the whole thing about your father retiring. Now, what are we

going to do all day?

Mom, can we get back to you and me?

Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I forgot you always did me a lot of attention.

See?

No matter what I do or where I go or who I'm with,

I'm always going to want that from you.

Oh.

Oh.

Let's go apologize to Natalie. No reason to have her spitting in my water 20

years from now.

Now, let me tell you something, Mrs. Barnes.

I was talking to Queen Esther, who, by the way, is a lovely lady. I'm sorry.

You like me?

This is Natalie.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Barnes.

Nice to meet you, Natalie.

Oh, Flex, she's a pretty thing.

She reminds me of a young beauty I met at a carnival some 40 -odd years ago.

She was wearing a poodle skirt.

I love that poodle skirt.

You know, I still have it. All right, all right.

Please,

I want to make a toast.

six days a week for 52 weeks a year, all to take care of your family.

And I never said thank you.

Tonight, I'm saying thank you, Daddy.

You're welcome, son.

Now I think

this is a good time to let everybody know that I'm selling the house because

just bought a new... motor home.

We are going to see America the Beautiful.

Oh, Bridget, that sounds so exciting.

Yeah, just you and me and Mama.

Oh, no.

Well, you met the Barnes family.

What do you think?

Natalie thinks they're just fine.

Well, let's get this.

Love you too, Netta.