Original subtitles

Say it again, Papa Bear.

Your eyes are like two arrows, and my heart is your bullseye.

Oh, you're like my robin in the hood.

Oh,

look at that. You are two people.

What do you want, Arnaz?

Well, for one, to be able to walk down this hall without losing my lunch.

Oh, speaking of upchuck, where's Ginger?

I don't know.

I'm my own man.

Try it on sometime.

And Brianna, aren't you supposed to be at cheerleading practice?

I'm going.

I'm going.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you more.

Get that out of here.

Hey, wait.

Excuse me, where are y 'all going? We're supposed to have practice.

We did, Captain Dosho.

Where have you been? This is the third time... This week I've had to fill in

you as captain. I can't keep it up. The seniors can smell the fear on me.

I'm sorry, girl. I was just hanging out with Josh.

You know what? You two spend way too much time together.

No, we don't.

You just said what I said.

Jake, you owe me a kiss. You owe me a kiss.

Oh, please.

Sometimes in this life, you can be alone by yourself.

Jake, watch Luke. But I have a partner, but I can't trust no one.

When there's nobody.

Because even Moses had to pay taxes. Why do you think he left Egypt?

I can think of ten good reasons why.

All I'm saying is, Uncle Sam ain't no kin to me. My uncle is a black man and a

much better dresser.

Hey, man, the only way a free society runs is if we all pay our taxes.

What are you guys complaining about?

I pay more taxes than you guys bring home all year.

Hey, man, I got an alarm system.

Thanks for coming. We appreciate your business. Thank you. All right. Hey,

Nice of you to watch the shop for your dad while he took your mom away for

anniversary. What can I say? I'm a good son.

Mm -hmm.

Forget to get them a gift.

And that.

Oh, Flex, man, I think it's sweet that your pops are taking your mom away for a

nice little romantic getaway. Man, he's a lucky man.

Your mom has a remarkable lack of cellulite for a mature woman.

Dee, you better take that back. Oh, my bad, dog. Your, uh, mama's thighs look

like she sat in gravel?

Thank you.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Parsons. Have a good weekend. Okay. All right, Mr.

Parsons. Good to see you. Come back in here.

Bye, guys. All right, now. Take care.

Why'd you let that free little leave without paying him?

Your dad let him slide because he's on a fixed income.

That's no way to run a business.

You got to be tough, like Martha Stewart.

Ooh.

She may be a criminal, but that woman worked hard to turn a profit.

So what would you know about working hard, Mr. Uptown?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, I'm just saying. You may know how to apply your blush for the

camera, but this is a real business, not show business.

Ain't no cue cards up in here.

Where's my line? Where's my line?

See, I can run this business.

I went to college.

Oh. He went to college.

Make him president.

Don't worry about it, Flex. I got your back.

You know, I'll make you look good in front of your dad, but as senior barber,

I'll really be running things.

You?

Do I have to remind you that this place used to be called Richard and Sons, not

Richard and some brother named Malik.

All right, so let me get this straight. You're going to drive your fancy car

down here. You know we don't have valet rights.

And you're going to get your hands dirty doing some real work.

Yo, Fleck, I don't think you know how hard it is to do what we do.

work on cheers you do remember cheerleading right you know the short

tight sweaters female objectification go team

okay you know there is such a thing as too much practice right oh well then

lips must be ready to turn pro oh brianna my lips are cold

ah spirit hey didn't know we were expecting you oh well i didn't know we

expecting in you, but if you hook us up with a slice and some of that sadidi

soda, we'll be cool again.

Okay. Well, maybe you should get yourself a plate so you don't get your

greasy on the way home.

Cut it out.

Oh, you put all the pepperoni into the shape of a heart.

And I burnt my finger on each one.

You know I'm losing my appetite.

Okay, well, I'm going to just take a piece to go.

Bye. And that, too. Okay.

Look at him.

He's a college boy. Can't even count.

You know what this is?

It's a conspiracy against a black man. White man always trying to keep us down.

Malik, he's a...

He's black, man.

That's what we've been led to believe.

But who's to say he's not just a very sophisticated hologram?

I think he moved with a lot of stuff in Desert Storm.

You have tripped right off the edge of crazy.

Now, Flex has always been fair, and I will stand by him to the end.

I don't believe it. The cash register is as empty as your head.

Ah, the end is near.

Can anybody tell me how we managed to pay rent around here when we've only

cleared $200 today?

$200? Oh.

It's Miller time. Okay.

Oh, hey, everybody.

Hey, you guys know that sub shop that used to be the video store before it

to be the police station?

Well, it's a barbershop now.

Slow fade. They take your time so you can look fine.

You hear that, people?

Now we need to step up our game.

Ooh, I'm saying you need to jump up your game. They even got a guy who just

opens the door for you.

I walk by three times just to mess with him.

You know what? We need to stand up to slow fade. Quickly.

We need to...

Show them who controls Baltimore's hair.

Now, come on, who's with me?

All right, let me restate that.

Who wants to keep their jobs so they can pay their rent and not live in bum

town?

We're with you. I can't hear you. See,

that's what I'm talking about. Now we're a team.

A team that's going to take fatheads into the 22nd century.

Of course, we have to make a few changes.

What kind of change?

Little itty -bitty ones.

Rule number one.

You must wear the uniforms.

Love them.

No more baggy clothes and no more jeans.

No more self -respect either.

Rule number two. No fraternizing with the customers. You are here to cut and

snip, not chat and chit, which means no more conspiracy theories, no OJ updates,

and above all, Leave poor Michael Jackson alone. His nose, or lack

his business.

Come on, Flex.

Mixing it up with the customers is the foundation of the barbershop. This is no

longer a barbershop. This is no longer Fat Heads.

This is Chez Faté, a style chalet. Say it with me.

Chez Faté, a style chalet.

Excuse my ignorance, Mr. Boss Man, but what exactly is a style chalet?

It's a vision I had while eating French fries.

A place where you can go for a haircut and feel like you're going on vacation.

Hey, Mr. Parsons.

Which leads us to rule number three.

No more free haircuts.

Now, why'd you go and do that?

We can't have unsavory types up in here. It might alienate our clientele. Mr.

Parsons is not unsavory. Flex, you can't keep doing this. You want to put us out

of business? No, I want to put us in business.

Yeah, well, I think your ideas are whack.

And so would your father.

Look, Richard may be a lot of things, but he'd never have us looking like teen

boy IDs.

Look, it's very simple, Malik.

I make all the decisions around here.

Is that so?

Oh, that's very so.

And if you don't like it, it's my way or the highway.

Are you firing me? Call it what you like, Monsieur Malik.

But just get to driving.

Sacre bleu!

Anybody else want to get in the carpool lane with Malik?

Shows how much he know. Malik don't have a car.

hear yourself anymore?

Ernest, don't be jealous. Green is not a good color on you. It makes you look

jealous.

First off, I'm not jealous. I have a girlfriend, but I still make the time to

run with my boys.

Yeah.

Run with your boys? Who are you, DMX?

Who are you?

You're ignoring everybody these days? It's like you're in a cult, like Josh

Tology.

Look who's talking. You're a Trekkie. Live long and get lost.

Bad news.

Oh, no. Matt Damon called. He wants his everything back.

My dad just called. My grandma broke her hip opening a jar of pickles.

We got to go to Pittsburgh to help her.

Wait, you're leaving?

For how long?

For two days.

But I promise I'll call you every five minutes.

Every four on nights and weekends.

Anyways, my dad's out front.

I'll miss you.

You look like you could use a shoulder to cry on.

Tough.

I gotta say, young lady, with that new do of yours, Halle Berry better move her

narrow behind over because there's a new Bond girl in town.

Oh, why, thank you, flat -ass.

Ah, another satisfied customer.

Pretty soon...

Slow fade is going to just fade away.

I'm a genius.

You're a genius.

You've got toilet paper under your shoe, college boy.

Man, Flex, this is starting to get dangerous.

A few minutes ago, a bitter wind kicked up, and I was airborne for half a block.

And when I landed, three guys tried to beat me up.

I don't think I want to wear the beret anymore.

It's trade bad, Flex.

People don't like the fringe.

With all the money we're making, I'll buy you a helmet. Well, Flex, it's not

about the beret bangers, man.

It's about the barbershop.

I miss it. We all miss it. Yeah, we really do. Silence, silence, you fools.

We're doing good business. We rang up almost $1 ,000 in one day.

That feels good. Doesn't it, Candy?

Candy? Oh, I didn't know I was allowed to talk.

Man, this place used to be fun. Now it's like an old folks home.

Without the faint smell of cabbage.

Fun?

You know what's fun?

Huh? Hey, what fun is?

Fun is proving all of you who thought I couldn't run this business wrong.

But I'm a big enough man not to rub it in your face.

I'll rub it in mine.

You were right.

Oh,

Regina doesn't just think she owns the world. She thinks she's the one spinning

it right on the tip of her day glow acrylic.

Hasman told her that Frank said it's infected.

I told her not to get that belly button ring.

Okay, so why does Crystal have Ricky's name tattooed on her ankle? Once they

break up, that girl's in boots for life.

Wait,

wait, who's Crystal?

Um, the new girl. Transferred from South High. Threw up at Stan's party.

our rule came by and signed autographs. Check it out.

Ooh, Brandi, you haven't bathed in a week?

None of us have. See?

Yeah.

Stan throws great parties.

Wait, who's Stan?

Hey, y 'all.

Hey, money.

Well, look who's here to beg for his job back.

Man, I do not need your job. I am working at Slow Fade, where they treat

barber as an artiste. And if I had a car, I'd have my own parking space.

What do you want, Malik?

I'll just stop by to pick up my final check.

Oh, well, look what I have here.

Oh, a little laundry fee.

That's right. You think towels and smocks just wash themselves?

A disposal fee? You think hair just throws itself away?

A termination fee.

People just don't fire themselves.

Fletcher Pops will never treat us like this.

Is that so?

Yeah, you know what? This is whack.

Malik, they hiding over at Slow Fate? Yeah, are they? I don't know, but I can

put in a good word for y 'all. Candy, let's go. Let's go. Let's roll. Fine.

can roll.

You can rock. You can hip. You can hop.

I don't care what you do. Just leave. I don't need y 'all.

So, uh, what you gonna do now, Flex?

Hair doesn't just cut itself.

Got you a bucket, too, huh?

Your day must have been as tough as mine.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Baby, you got four biscuits.

It must have been tough.

No one likes me anymore.

You know what? What's the name of my imaginary friend when I was a kid? I

to give her a call.

What do you mean no one likes you anymore?

All my friends are gone.

They all abandoned me, even Spirit.

Daddy will get you some more fries.

It's not just that.

It's how I've lost touch. I'm so out of the loop. I used to be the loop.

Come on, now.

Did your friends abandon you, or did you abandon your friends?

Okay, so I spent a little time with Josh, missed a couple of social events,

I'm the only one who's bathed.

Daddy, what am I going to do?

Well, keep bathing.

Sweetie, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy about your age who was madly head over

heels in love with a neighborhood girl named Nicole.

Let me guess, Daddy.

Was that little boy you?

Very good, honey.

I'm lonely, not dumb.

Anyway, I was so in love with your mom that my best friend Dwayne wanted to go

to the roller rink, and I couldn't go because I was too busy taking your

to the movies.

And then when he broke his arm and was in the hospital, I didn't go see him.

Because I was with your mom getting matching jerry curls.

And after all this time, your mother and I divorced, and Dwayne is still in my

life.

Do you see where I'm trying to go with this?

No matter how badly you treat Dwayne, you can't shake him?

Well, there's that.

But more importantly...

Sweetie, boyfriends and girlfriends, they come and go.

But good friends, good friends are forever.

Daddy, I didn't mean to diss them.

I guess I didn't realize how much I needed them until they were gone.

I guess I have to apologize when I do.

You know what?

So do I.

Are you sure you bathed?

I did!

I did!

Flex, we need to talk.

I think you should turn the shop back.

I'm way ahead of you, D.

Aw, grease lightning, Flex.

You stole my thunder.

What are you talking about?

I was going to tell you that you need to change it back.

I had a whole big speech planned and everything.

Was it about who the shop was and...

How I didn't appreciate the friendships I had here and the importance that the

barbershop had to the community.

Now, there you go again.

Matt, did you take a peek at my laptop?

Nah, I didn't.

Hey, Mr. Parsons.

Come on in.

Well, I'm glad to see things are starting to get back to normal.

Now, what you need to do, you need to hire back Candy.

Oh, man,

you did look at my laptop.

Did you tell anybody about my Britney Spears screensaver?

I'm going to kill you.

Flat. I would tell them in the back.

Flat taxes across the board. That's the way it should be done.

Y 'all, like I said, taking 17 % from a millionaire is not the same as taking 17

% from my salary.

That's just not fair.

What you need to do, Walt, is declare yourself an illegal alien.

Something exotic, like you're Cuban Chinese.

Malik, that's just stupid.

Can't do it. I got to be stupid. Stupid. Who you calling stupid?

You got to try to tell me that I'm stupid. I like this sound, man.

The sound of the barbershop.

Man, I was going to say that.

I need to change my pin number because this is all I know.

Uh, Spirit, wait.

I need to talk to you. Oh, can I wait until tomorrow? Me and some of the girls

are going to go to the mall.

Well, were you going to ask me to go?

Oh, Josh must still be out of town. Come on, let's go.

Spirit, wait.

Look, I think that you were right.

Maybe I do spend a little too much time with Josh.

You don't say.

Come on, girl. I'm trying to apologize here.

My relationship with Josh has not only caused me to lose focus and

but I was in front of you, too.

So, I'm sorry.

I understand. You're my girl. I knew you'd come back.

Let's go get an Orange Julie's.

Cool.

Rihanna, I've been looking for you. Hey. I'm back.

And it's ladies' night at the Ballerama. Ladies' ball free. And I got my mom's

wig.

Maybe some other time.

Look, Josh, I know this is going to be hard, and please don't take this the

wrong way, but tonight, I'm going to the mall with my girls.

Okay.

Wait, that was a little too easy. I'm about to go have a talk with him.

After the mall.

Love you too, Netta.