Original subtitles

Flex, they are worse than my mama.

Man, that's a ditty condo association with their rules and regulations.

Man, where do we live? In Germany?

May I keep my water bed? Nein!

Nein! Nein!

Man, that rule protects everybody, especially you. D, I've seen you trying

get out of that water bed.

Looked like a roach that fell in a swimming pool.

They're doing you wrong, D. Thank you. You know what else is wrong?

You're not sitting in my chair so I can tighten you up.

No, no, I don't think so, Walt.

Last time I was in your chair, my...

Hairline was as crooked as an Enron executive.

Hey, man, that's what you get when you win your barber license in a crap game.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hey, Mommy.

Brianna, I was at the library for the last 45 minutes, and I realized

was missing.

You.

Why are you here and not studying for the PSAT?

Because... Because my nails are W -E -T, Mommy.

And if you mess them up, you gotta pay me more M -O -N -E -Y.

See, Mommy, a spelling game. I am studying.

Now, let's go.

Nicole, relax.

It's not that serious.

The PSAT is a standardized test.

She can't study for it. It's a test on what she already knows.

You don't study for the test. You study how to take the test, Professor Flat

App.

You're right, Nicole.

Baby, when you take the test, read the questions and darken the bubble with the

right answer. Now study that. I dream of weaving.

So you do this every time. I say one thing and you have to say the opposite.

That's not true. Tall. Short.

Left. Right. Michael Jackson.

White. Black.

White.

I don't know.

When I can't turn no one in.

Then I'll isolate yourself when there's nobody around.

I'll be there to take you there.

What a true love we are.

Baby, you kiss the world. Baby, one on one. One on one.

Can't nobody break the spell.

SATs is very important.

I come from a long line of women that didn't go to college.

I started the tradition of higher learning and she is going to continue

also come from a long line of women who started the tradition of drinking Kool

-Aid out of Jell -O jars.

Go ahead and make jokes, Flex. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

You were getting into college regardless.

You had basketball.

All my babies got are her brains.

establishment wants us to do.

Argue amongst ourselves.

That's why they made that test culturally biased. I mean, check it.

first thing they tell you? Bring a number two pencil. Why?

Because a number one pencil is too dark, too strong, too dominant over that

white paper.

Okay, okay, fine.

Even if a portion of the test is culturally biased, math is universal.

There is no excuse for not doing well in that section.

But mom, I'm going to be an actress. If math is ever in a movie, it's going to

go straight to video.

Oh, I don't have to estimate math.

See? Now, I use it every day. For example, if my bookie is heading to my

at 40 miles per hour and I left town 30 minutes ago, in which state would he be

breaking my legs? Anyone?

Anybody?

Texas. Wow.

You know, I got a perfect score on my PSATs. No.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And my life has been downhill ever since. You want to know

why? Because everyone expects you to be a genius.

So, I know the chemical composition to a cancer vaccine.

But that don't get you women.

Now, used cars, that get you women.

Yeah, used women.

I ain't picky, girl.

Look, the child is only 16. I want her to enjoy her life. I don't want her

so much pressure.

And I don't want her to be 34, stressed out and bitter, like you.

You're right.

That's why, in addition to some study books, I brought along something to

inspire her. You see, it's a book about a woman that was trapped in a shotgun

marriage, and she was able to escape because she got an education.

But, Mommy, this is your wedding album.

Exactly.

Brianna, to the library.

So, Brianna, you think you're ready?

Look, that Christmas kiss was a big mistake. I wish we... Oh, you mean the

Yeah, boy, I got this.

Spirit, what about you?

Well, ooh, I wasn't prepared for that question.

Ooh, I'm gonna fail.

Hey, don't stress.

I mean, everybody's a little nervous.

Especially you when you're around me.

You look tense.

Oh, please, you and your corny...

Ooh.

Girl, he's strumming my pain with his finger.

How can you two fool around at a time like this? This is the most important

moment of our lives.

Girl, if it was that important, all the banks would be closed.

Besides, I've got dreams, and my talent can't be determined by some multiple

choice questions.

It's more true or false.

Brianna is talented, true.

Brianna cares about this test, false.

of you cheating, you'll be taking it up with the Board of Education.

Just a little PSAT joke.

Don't tell your mommies and daddies.

Okay, begin with your social security number and your name.

Donut? Ooh, don't mind if I do that.

What's with the paint, man?

See, red door symbolizes good luck.

Feng shui. Ah, breaking the uniformity rule. The condo board's going to feng

shui you to the curb.

The point is, Flex, according to this rule book, in case of aesthetic

alterations, the condo board will only intervene if a complaint is lodged. And

talked to everybody in the building, and they are all for it. So, uh...

Looks like you've beaten the system.

Twinkie? You know you shouldn't tempt me, Flex.

All right, man, fry it up, and I'll be in there in ten minutes. All right.

All right, I'll go sign a scene.

Man, I've never seen parenting tonight. This crowded. Well, they're also giving

out the PSAT results, which means college is just around the corner.

Oh, which reminds me, you need to come up with $150 ,000 so she can go to

Harvard.

Oh, sure. I'll just reach in my wallet and pull up my million -dollar bill.

I hope they have change.

And what are you going to pay for?

I was in labor for 17 hours. My debt is paid.

Man, look at all the people here.

Reminds me of when my dad used to drag me to those parent -teacher nights.

Yep, just like that.

Hey, Flex, isn't that Carl Swayze from high school?

Yeah, he was pretty popular back in the day. Yeah, he still looks good.

Yeah, if you like a guy with his name on his pocket.

Now, who would have thought he'd become a janitor?

Well, should we speak to him?

Do you want to feel incredibly uncomfortable?

Oh, what time?

You guys, they're ready for us.

Oh, that was quick.

Oh, yeah, I told them mommy couldn't be on her feet too long. Bad case of the

gout. Good girl.

must be Brianna's parents.

Now, let's talk about Brianna's future.

Yes, yes. Let's talk about Harvard.

Oh, no, no. Let's talk about the University of Maryland. Go Terps!

No, she's going to Harvard.

Go Smarty Pants.

Go Smarty Pants. And you have a Ph .D. They just give them away, don't they?

Divorced parents, huh?

Yeah, I suggest we get this thing going before he mentions her toes.

Okay. Let's pull your file.

Brianna, could you go get us some cookies?

Oh, I see you want to have a private conversation with my parents.

Look, I've never said this before, but if they start talking about each other's

mamas, duck.

The cookie line isn't long, so we need to talk fast.

According to her PSAT results, we'll be lucky if she can find her way back.

So what are you saying?

Well, she's a good student, but with test scores like these, I'm afraid she's

just not...

I can't take her nowhere. I'm so sorry.

We could get you a tutor and some flashcards.

That way you can look at them on the bus and in between classes.

and then you can put them under your pillow at night so they can think it to

your head while you sleep.

Mom, I'm not going to college. I don't want to go to college.

Oh, jeez.

Baby, go to your room. You're killing your mother.

Flex,

we got to fix this. What are we going to do?

If she skins her knee, we kiss it and make it better. If she gets into a

bender, we take the car to the repair shop. If you get these, we buy her a

helmet and pat her...

I'm sorry to say, Nicole, but the girl's not going to college.

What do you mean she's not going to college? That's what we always planned.

It's the one thing we agreed on. Yeah, that was before we saw her test scores.

Have you seen these numbers? I mean, 60 out of 240?

You get 20 points just for knowing your name.

Where did I go wrong?

When I was pregnant with her, I ain't right. I didn't smoke.

I didn't drink.

I even put the Walkman headphones on my belly and played classical music for her

in my womb.

Except for that night that you slipped in that Fat Boy CD.

Me? It's your fault.

All those 7 -Eleven burritos while you were pregnant.

You were barely up to a microwave almost every night. You probably fried her

fetal brain.

Looks like blaming each other is not going to do her any good.

Okay, you're right. You got to think about Brianna, right?

We have to consider her future and start to make plans so she'll be well taken

care of. Flex, what are you saying?

God forbid something happens to us, Nicole.

Our baby could end up in a group home.

So don't jack me up, man. D, I got you, all right?

Frankly, I'm insulted that you would insinuate I ain't the master barber.

Now, how do I work these haircutty things?

You know I'm playing, man. Look, Walt, I don't have time for your jokes, dog,

all right? So focus and cut my hair.

Flex. Hey. Hey, don't look at me, Patches.

Hey, look, we're just calling the birthmark. Come here.

I'm glad I saw you, Flex.

Man, we're going to have to call the exterminators for our building because

looks like we have some rats.

Somebody anonymously complained about my feng shui. Man, I hate that building.

I've been betrayed and vengeance shall be mine.

Bro, I said vengeance shall be mine.

Man, I don't say that every day.

Yes, you do. Yeah, I do. All right.

Anyway, guys, I got some things on my mind. We just got Brianna's PSAT

It turns out she's not as bright as we all thought.

How slow are we talking? You know how long it takes my dad to pay, y 'all?

That's local.

Oh, what's up, everybody?

Not her IQ.

Hey, Daddy, I came to get some gas money so I can go to the mall. Oh, the mall?

Now, you know that's clear across town. You know, a lot of lights and stop

signs.

You saw I mentioned those left -hand turns.

Uh -huh. Now, Flex, you know, I think that might be a little complicated.

What?

Complicated, baby. As in difficult or hard to do, not easy.

See, thank God my baby knows the complicated memes. Oh, you'll get there,

You know they have a special bus that can pick up girls like you.

Okay, I don't know what's going on here, but why is everybody acting like I'm

stupid? Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody's saying you're stupid, no.

Look, after seeing the results on the PSAT test, I'm a little concerned.

That means he cares about you, baby.

I didn't.

What are you talking about?

Well, I could have done better on the test, but I just didn't care.

Wait a minute. You didn't even try to do well on that test?

No, I don't need it. I've decided I'm going to embrace my acting talent.

The only education I need is a classroom of life and a dialect coach. Good day,

Governor.

But, Brianna, you need a backup plan.

But that's what soap operas are for.

I'll see you later, Daddy.

Uh -huh.

I have a soap opera for her.

As the belt turns.

Nicole, we need to fix this.

Oh, so now we've got some fixing to do. What happened to she has to find herself

and I don't want her to be under so much pressure?

Oh, come on. We both knew what was going on. I was just saying the opposite of

what you were saying. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. Would you stop that?

Look, what are we going to do about our brilliant yet...

Manipulative child.

Well, one thing's for sure. We got to make her understand that she needs a

backup plan. And she's going to the college of my choice.

You're right. No, don't argue with me. You agree with me?

Huh? Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Hurry up, hoppity.

How long do you have to wear that thing?

Don't worry, girl.

I'll be back in Chelsea in 30 days.

Stop it.

Because the college recruiters are coming today. Yeah, but you're only a

sophomore. Yes, a sophomore who scored a 200 out of 240 on her PSATs, which

means I'm on the fast track to one of the better colleges.

Well, if you got a 200 and you're on the fast track and I got a 215, what track

am I on?

A track to a boring life, punching in and punching out, 2 .5 kids, a white

fan supporting a wife who can't cook, blah, blah, blah.

I'm on my way to Hollywood, or should I say, Brianna Wood.

And my soul needs relief.

I'm holding you.

Hey, hey, I'm holding you.

Who's that?

When the world comes down, I look around.

Yes, I do.

really struggle i just make sure the water stays blue wait a minute you know

that song that was holding you by physical edge that's right i was the

singer i formed that group right out of high school holding you was number one

till calling me bad knocked me off the charts but you can sing you can cut

another album i cut four of them then they cut off my lights

I hope this makes Breonna realize that she has to have a backup plan.

Yeah, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you in music and all. Are you

me? I own a custodial service.

I got the contract for the whole Baltimore school district.

Then what are you doing here?

I'm only filling in for one of my workers who's on vacation.

Plus, it keeps me off the golf course and out of the sauna.

You know, it gives me a chance to keep it real.

You know what I'm saying?

La -da.

You know, Carl is looking better.

Better to me.

Nicole,

what are you doing here?

Well, actually, Flex, I was having fantasies about us getting back together

again.

So I come over here every afternoon and...

I hug your pillows and I smell your shirts.

And I pray to God you take me back.

No, seriously.

The results of Brianna's makeup PSATs are in. Okay, I'm ready for you. It's

to go. Come on.

Brianna? Okay, guys. I just want you to know that you were right. I should have

a backup plan.

That's good. Now open it up.

And no matter what these numbers say, I did my best, so please don't be mad at

me. Oh, we're not going to be mad at you. Just open it up. And I just want to

say that... Why don't you just open the envelope?

The president's against me. It's straight -up Dwayne -ism.

Uh, Daddy, Mr. Cross from the Condo Association is on the phone. He wanted

let you know that they resolved some red -door issue you complained about.

I gotta go.

Love you too, Netta.