Original subtitles

Isn't this wonderful?

Santa Flex spreading Christmas joy with a gift that's almost as good as money.

An 8x10 glossy of the Flat Dat Man.

Daddy, can we please take a break? I'm starting to get a paper cut on my

and Ernest's tongue is glued to his lip.

Yeah, it's anybody's thing I said that.

Imagine a world of peace and harmony sprinkled with yuletide joy. That is the

theme of Dwayne O'Dell Knox's first annual Christmas Day Feast. My place.

Tomorrow, 3 p .m., you're all invited.

Uh, I'm sorry, dog. I can't make it. Oh, me either. I got plans.

I'd rather not be back.

Come on, guys.

I mean, this is my first Christmas in my new place, not living with my mama.

I mean, it's going to be great. I've got it all prepared.

I'm going with an international theme.

East meets west, north meets south.

Oh, Flex, where can I get seven swamis singing?

That's seven swans of swimming.

Oh, good. Then I won't need as many chairs.

But I can't you know when there's nobody around

I, the first of many more. But hold those lips. I must warn you, there's a

evil, seedy Martha Stewart side to spending Christmas with me. What's that?

Nicole, my ex -wife, the wench who stole Christmas.

Look, she can't be that bad. I'm actually looking forward to meeting her.

Brianna says she's strong, independent, and smart.

Will you get a chance to meet her at Dwayne's extravaganza today?

We've agreed for Brianna's sake to have the holidays together. You know, sort of

like a peace treaty, except there's no peace in.

She's no treat.

Well, I think it's healthy for Brianna to spend this time with both of her

parents. It'll be good for Brianna, but I can't say the same for Nicole.

See, this will be the first time she's seeing me in a serious relationship.

I hate to say it, but she's a junkie for me. Yeah, she's still jonesing for the

flex man.

It's been 15 years. She can't possibly be still hung up on you. I know. I know.

It's like a disease. You know, like alcoholism. Except for Nicole, it's

And I have to warn you, baby, there's no rehab for it.

You know what? I thought at first us going to Duane's would be a good thing.

now rubbing menthol on my grandma's chest doesn't sound so bad.

No, no, no. Look, I want to spend Christmas with you. Look, after we get a

bite at Duane's, we'll come back over here and...

Make better use out of this mistletoe.

I'm going to tell Santa how bad you meant.

Oh, I've been on Santa's naughty list since 85.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Is that a greeting or have you been hitting the eggnog?

See, I couldn't figure out how to say Merry Christmas in Japanese, so, uh...

Welcome to my international Christmas.

Oh, Dwayne.

Your place looks like a winter wonderland.

Ah, well, obrigado, gracias, thank you, and show your right.

When are the kids getting here? They'll be here later. They had Kwanzaa brunch

at Spirits.

Oh, well, I hope they don't eat too much, because I prepared a fabulous

from ten countries and one principality.

Monaco.

Okay, Madeline.

It's probably Nicole, so get them to your wrist.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Move.

Here he comes.

Nicole! Merry Christmas! So you must be Natalie.

Nice to meet you, and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Do you see that pain?

She's so brave to come here, especially with that skunk jacket.

Nicole, we're all here for you.

You're not alone this... Christmas.

No. No, I'm not alone.

Excuse me.

Everybody meet Jaden.

Merry Christmas.

Girl,

I actually had fun at your parents' brunch.

They're so Afrocentric. I mean, I've never sung the Negro National Anthem as

Christmas carol.

I know. Last year, we reenacted scenes from Roots, but this time, We gotta

Okay, well, I sure hope Josh likes his present.

Oh, well, what'd you get him?

A Kobe Bryant basketball jersey.

Okay, well, what'd you get Arnaz? A vintage Nerf ping -pong set.

Oh, my God, and Arnaz is stupid enough to love that.

Oh, I forgot to put a bow on this one. Do you have any more ribbon?

Um, yeah, look in the closet next to the DVD player my daddy's giving me for

Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Brianna. Oh, Josh, you should have.

I love presents. Here.

Here's yours.

Open.

Can't wait to see what we got for you.

Oh, cool.

We can match.

Uh, and... Oh, you think you're slick standing under the mistletoe.

Girl, I...

I'll go try it on.

Spirit, it's all right. I got to go to my dad's house anyways.

Bye, Josh. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

You get a kiss on Christmas?

Maybe I should just staple some mistletoe to my forehead.

Look at her.

It's just sad, sad, sad.

Very happy, Flex. And Jaden seems like a really nice guy.

Natalie, you're an artist, okay? You see things with a pretty eye.

This is the trained eye of an investigative journalist.

I think past the facade of what it really is, a cry for help.

Saki? You know, I'm a little miffed with Nicole.

You're upset about her bringing Jaden, too.

Yes. I have just enough Vietnamese spring rolls for six.

We're out of Japan now. Not yet. See, Vietnam ends our Southeast Asia tour.

I'm not sure they celebrate Christmas in Vietnam or anywhere in Southeast Asia.

In my world, everybody celebrates Christmas.

So, Jaden, where'd you come from, huh?

New York?

Boston? Sing Sing?

Actually, I just got in from Botswana. I was on safari.

Oh, so what, you gonna stuff Nicole and put her head over your fireplace?

That depends upon which fireplace you're talking about. The chalet in the Alps?

The villa in Italy?

Or the brownstone in Harlem?

I like to keep it real.

Jayden is a wildlife photographer.

I met him six months ago while tracking killer whale migrations in Nova Scotia.

Oh, so he was following your parents around.

Flex, I can't expect you to understand.

Jayden and I, we share a love of nature. We appreciate the delicate balance

which is beast, man, and the world around.

Yes, Lexi, you haven't lived until you've had the privilege of witnessing

mating rituals of a Tasmanian wolf.

It's so primal.

Isn't he fabulous?

Fabulous? He's gay.

All right, everyone, I hope your mouth... has shock absorbers because

buds are going to jump for joy.

Dwayne, why are we having dessert now?

Well, actually, in many parts of the world, ice cream is used to cleanse the

palate before the main course.

Is your name Dwayne?

Baby?

Is everything okay?

No, no, it's not okay.

Nicola's ruining Christmas by bringing along Louisiana Jones.

But, Flex, you have someone in your life.

In fact, you always... have someone in your life i mean you're never without a

date you're never without a girlfriend you're never without someone unlike some

of us who have to invite their friends over and wear funny costumes and have

company at christmas because your mama would rather be tobogganing with her

butcher ah it's time for italy to marry scotland now

don't listen to duane okay that was the old me and it's different with nicole

that's brianna's mother that's a different bond mother daughter

You know, Brianna, when she sees this, she's going to freak out.

Jaden?

I know that feeling.

I used to feel that way whenever my mama's old friend, Mr. Arthur, used to

over to visit.

He would bring me a little toy or something.

Then he would go upstairs in my mama's room and they'd bake cookies.

You can't bake cookies in a bedroom.

Yes, you can.

It's Egyptian sand taken from the Great Pyramid of Giza.

I figure it'll hold you until we go on holiday next summer.

Oh, I can't wait. I get to see a mummy with my mummy.

Oh, no, no, no. He's not taking my daughter anywhere.

He better watch himself before he have to excavate my foot from his finks.

Can you believe this? Honestly, no.

And if I wasn't so secure in my fabulousness, I'd say you were jealous,

Me? Jealous?

See? See?

Nicole,

you know in this light, your eyes look like the stars twinkling over the

Serengeti.

See, baby? That's how a gentleman woos a lady.

Now she's dragging Brianna into her sick fantasy.

Excuse me, Natalie.

Rihanna, a word.

Okay, sure, Daddy.

Why didn't you tell me about Jayden?

Because Mommy told me not to. Why?

Because she was afraid you'd overreact.

Daddy, this is the first time you've ever met someone she's dating.

She thought you would take it hard since you've never really gotten over her.

Me?

Never gotten over her?

Yeah. I see.

Oh, see.

He let me drive his Porsche. Ask him, Daddy, he'll give you a ride, too.

Duane, everything was delicious.

Really?

You liked it? I mean, even the chili from South America? Or was it the South

American stew from Chile? Either way, it's from a country where the toilets

swirl the other way.

So, Jane, would you, uh...

Like seconds?

Apparently, that's your thing.

Actually, Flex, Nicole knows what my thing is.

Don't you, baby?

Honey!

Why don't you take Jane across the hall and bring back the Greek pastries I made

for dessert? Greek? Ay, chica, no.

You were supposed to get a Mexican treat to go with my piñata.

Did I say Greek pastries? I meant Mexican pastries.

I don't want to go with Jaden. Why?

It'll give you two a chance to talk. You should get to know him.

But I don't want to get to know him. Fine.

Jaden, will you go with Sucks across the hall and get the dessert, please?

Well, actually, I thought I came with dessert.

But yes, I'll go.

Give us a chance to get to know each other. Yeah, right. Let's go, Tarzan.

Now, listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

I can only imagine how awkward this is for you.

Awkward?

Why has it got to be awkward?

It's not awkward.

So, um, you know, Brianna's a great kid. You and Nicole have done a nice job.

You, uh, think you can do better?

Any pygmies or tall bushmen running around look like you?

You know, just me and my camera and Nicole.

How'd you ever let her get away?

She is so sweet and kind and nurturing.

How long did you say you guys been going out?

A year.

I thought you said you guys met six months ago.

Oh, that was just for Flex's benefit.

You know how he gets when he feels threatened. He starts to overcompensate

he gets real competitive.

Call that a scar, little man.

Check this out right here. Uh -huh.

Pick up game with Shaq at 97. What do you know about that?

Okay. Don't touch, don't touch.

See that?

Crocodile bite.

Snuck up on me three years ago in Australia.

But you should see the teeth marks I left on him.

So you're saying a crocodile can sneak up behind you and you take him down?

Can and have.

Okay, well, uh, just imagine that I...

I'm a crocodile.

So, Natalie, how serious are you guys anyway?

We're moving along nicely.

We're taking it nice and slow. I mean, but I still think there's a part of Flex

that's still connected to you.

Well,

of course we're connected. We have a child together.

It's more than that.

Really?

Even though he's moved on, I feel like he still hasn't let go.

And I mean, until everyone lets go, there's going to be drama.

I don't think I have that problem with my relationship.

You know, I feel a sense of closure now that I'm with Flex.

You mean Jaden?

Jaden.

Jaden, that's what I said.

Who's ready for pastries?

Thank you so much for pulling me out of that dinner.

Christmas with my parents and their dates and my strange godfather eating

stranger food is enough to make you forget about Christmas altogether.

Then I guess I can keep my gift.

Oh, I didn't say all that.

But here, I'll go first.

Oh, my God, Rihanna, this is so cool.

Oh, my God, Rihanna, this is the best. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, you're

welcome.

Wait, no, this is wrong. I'm with Josh.

Yeah, I'm with Ginger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember when we used to stand on my parents' stoop and watch the snow come

down?

Yeah. Life's changed since then.

You're not kidding.

Snow's brown before it even hits the ground.

Remember how we used to sit out there and plan our future?

How many kids we'd have, our own house with the white picket fence and a dog

named Brian?

No, it was a wrought iron fence and a dog named Killer. What kind of stupid

name is Brian?

I like Natalie Flex.

I think she's good for you.

You two are cute together.

Well, I don't like Jayden.

He's too... too... Not you?

No.

Okay, maybe.

Actually, it's a little more complicated than that, Nicole.

You know, seeing you guys together with Brianna...

You look like a family.

And I wasn't in the picture.

Well, nobody wants to feel like they're being replaced.

I knew it. You still jonesing for the flex, man.

No.

I'm serious, Rex.

I realize that we can go on and have wonderful relationships with other

always be Brianna's mother, and you will always be her father.

No matter how fractured we are,

we're still a family.

But this Jaden guy, does he make you happy?

Yes.

Yes, he does.

Well, uh, I'm happy for you.

Really?

Yes, and that ex -husband who can't stand you but still cares about you kind

way.

Merry Christmas, Lex.

Merry Christmas, Nicole.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I'm all yours.

I already knew that. I was just asking if everything was okay.

Alaska.

Love you too, Netta.