Original subtitles

Welcome back to the Flex File. I'm here with Baltimore wide receiver Dan

McCracken, who's one game away from breaking the record for most consecutive

games played. A record usually held by place kickers and their mascot.

Are you belittling my record, Flex?

Oh, no, not at all, man. Perfect attendance is important.

It's a good start for you.

I see you brought a friend here with you.

Yep. As you know, Flex, I'm a big buddy.

And my little buddy Jeffrey's here with me today.

How's it going, Jeffrey?

It's always great when I'm with you, champ.

Ah, what an adorable kid.

And he's as smart as a whip.

Knows all my stats.

Go ahead, tell him, Jeffrey.

89 TDs, 10 ,812 yards receiving, and he leads the league in hugs. Ah, give me

some.

Who needs a PR guy when you got a little Jeffrey?

Now, speaking of stats, Dan, you caught passes from the best.

McNabb, Marino, Aikman.

Let's see if you can handle one from the Flexinator.

All right. Give me your best. All right, yeah. I've been working on this all

week. You're not ready for the heat. You're not ready for the heat. Go across

the middle.

On.

On.

I'm sure it's just a sprain. That bone was poking out when you got here right

there.

queen at the Harvest Moon dance.

How could I be a shoo -in when my best friend, who's in charge of the whole

thing, won't fix the vote?

Do I look like a Florida Republican who's named after shrubbery?

I cannot fix the vote. Oh, all this integrity coming from the only 10th

banned from Atlantic City for counting cards.

Oh, it's my assistant, Big Mouth Janet. She'll give us the latest on the poll or

something.

What's the word?

Yeah?

I mean, you got some big competition for queen.

And I do mean big.

Ginger? Oh, I'm tired of that brick house ruining my life.

Curse you for not letting me drink whole milk.

Too little, too late.

Hey, those were for McCracken.

Oh, dog, I can't believe Dan McCracken wouldn't see me. I tried giving him a

call, sending him balloons. I just wanted to apologize for ruining his

of getting in the record books. Big deal.

For the kind of money he makes, I'd play football without a helmet. Like you did

in high school?

I played in high school.

Oh, hey, dawg, look. You're on the news.

Channel 6 is running this?

You know what's going on with 7?

And 9.

And 10.

And 14.

Man, even Metzivision's got you.

Ay, Dios mio, Miraflex, Washington.

This could hurt my reputation.

They might pull my Mattress King ass.

Ay, caramba!

That's my one -man killing machine.

Oh, how's the art, buddy?

Mame anybody today I should know about?

Not funny, Hank.

You know, this McCracken thing is haunting me. This morning I got mooned

busload of senior citizens.

You know, when I saw Baltimore's beloved McCracken crumpled up on the floor

writhing in pain.

The only thing I could think about was how to distance myself from you.

But then the phone started ringing off the hook, and the ratings shot through

the roof, and now I'm having feelings for you that I can't explain.

And don't even try, Hank.

I've become the man that people love to hate.

Well, Flex, you do to your little on -air blunder, or should I say blessing,

ratings have tripled.

Oh, man, but I feel so, so horrible.

Uh, triple, you say?

I'm saying we're number one. Believe me, I've tasted number two, and it is

unsavory.

Maybe you're right.

If I ride this thing out, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Ginger for sophomore queen.

Look at her. It's not fair.

You didn't tell me I could hand out favors for voles. Isn't that cheating?

Well, Brianna, as chairperson of the Harvest Moon Dance, I must remain

impartial. Ginger's not...

if you wished for a million dollars, I'd get that, too. Well, why don't I just

wish I get hit by a bus?

She gets what I wish for, so if I get hit, then she... Girl, you know what I

mean.

Whatever.

Man, I wish my Josh was here. If I was switching around the cafeteria like her,

he would watch me like that, too.

Brianna, you could never switch like that.

Yes, I can. Girl, watch me.

I'm about to get his vote. Okay.

Okay. Hey, Arnaz. How's my very special friend?

Doing very special. Thank you. Aw.

Ooh. Seems like somebody's been working. That old spirit used to feel his

muscles. It's all big and strong.

I'm not voting for you.

Baby, you know, I'm going to start drinking whole milk. And then one day,

this is going to be like, bam.

I'm sorry.

Washington, you're down 15%.

Don't tell me you want me to run down one of the Orioles on my way home

No, I would never ask you to do something like that.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't get in your car and do it myself.

Here's a ratings boost.

I'm about to interview the latest tennis pin -up, Susan DeLoach.

What's so exciting about that? She's ranked, like, number 24 on the tour. She

can crush a tennis racket with her thighs.

Wow. I am Wimble Dunn.

Looks like you got some fans, Susan. The phones are lighting up. Chuck, you're

on the air. Go ahead.

Kraken's the man.

Why did you hurt him?

It was an accident, Chuck, and it was an excellent pass.

Do you have any questions for Susan?

Susan, after I get through with that man, he's going to look like that tennis

racket you smashed, which was very impressive, by the way.

That sounds more like a statement than a question.

You have a stalker.

Oh, this is what number one tastes like.

I'm too pretty to die.

to do? Promote the hell out of it.

I'm serious, man.

Well, Fletch, you're nobody till somebody stalks you.

I got a bad feeling about this, Hank. I feel like the black guy in the opening

credits of a horror movie.

Buddy, please, you can't live in fear. What you got to do is confront your

stalker. You got to let him know you're not afraid of him and berate him on the

air. Okay.

Maybe you're right.

I got to be strong.

Stand my ground, look him in the eye, and let him know that he just can't

my flow.

That's what I'm talking about, buddy.

We're on in five, four, three, two.

Tonight, I'd like to direct my closing remarks to you, Chuck.

You picked the wrong brother to mess with. I'm a mean man.

If you even dream of hurting me, you better wake up and apologize.

You think you crazy?

I'm crazy. I'm crazy.

You can call me Skippy because I'm nutty.

And you're just a pitiful little man hiding behind a phone.

And a fax machine. We just got that.

What's tall and skinny and folded in half?

You and a steamer trunk.

I got one better. What has two thumbs and ain't afraid of you?

This guy.

Good night, Baltimore.

And we're out.

Hey, you handled that great, buddy.

Yeah, way to show that nut job you're not scared of it.

Rihanna, that is one to die for, Josh. You're gonna look great at the dance.

Yeah, but there's two things missing. The crown and my new boyfriend.

Why does Josh have to go to that stupid lacrosse tournament anyway?

Because he's the captain and he's the leading scorer.

I know, girl. I just wanted to hear you say it again.

Well, I'd say that was a successful test of the new security system.

All you need now is a pit bull. I'll call and see if Mom is available.

Security system? Daddy, what's going on?

Baby, look, Daddy is not trying to scare you, but there's a psycho trying to

kill me!

another psycho. Daddy, Dwayne can hear you.

No, an unknown psycho.

See, sweetie, in your eyes, I may just be daddy, but to the rest of the world,

I'm a celebrity.

That's right.

Mattress king for a royal night's sleep.

That's why I got this top -of -the -line system.

You know, we're completely safe.

It's like Fort Knox, and nobody can walk up in here without us knowing about it.

Hey, Fletch.

He should lock that door. He got a stalker.

Take a gander at that.

These are the highest ratings we've ever had.

We were the number one show in Baltimore last night. Uh -huh. If that's not

worth dying for, I don't know what is.

Now, look, I let you miss the program this morning, but I need you back for

tonight's broadcast.

I can't, man.

I have to stay here and protect Brianna.

Hank, I'm a dad.

We're all dads, playa.

It's just that you're a dad who's number one on a local newscast, and you're

going to be an unemployed dad unless you get back to work.

Don't answer that. That could be a stalker. But it could be Josh. He's out

town.

Don't answer that.

Hello?

Okay, hold on. My bad. It's a stalker.

All right. Who are you, and how did you get this number?

Forget it. Who are you?

And you're listening.

I'm not afraid of you.

Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

Let me tell you what I'm going to do to you for hurting the cracker. I'm going

to... That's my call lady.

I'm late.

Okay.

Thanks.

Hello? Still me?

Oh, sorry.

He's got another call.

You know, ask him if he can call back tomorrow live at six.

Crazy. I'm on hold with the stalker. That's it, Hank. I'm going to change my

phone number, stay locked up in here with my baby girl until this stalker is

caught. But, Daddy, I can't stay locked up in this apartment.

What about the dance? I'm going to be queen. Tell him, Spirit.

Well, as chairperson of the committee, I'm supposed to remain impartial. Will

you stop saying that?

I'm calling the police. Until they find this stalker, Brianna, we're not leaving

this house.

Hello? Yeah, this is Flex Washington.

Yeah, that's right. The mattress king guy.

See, I am a celebrity.

Sure. Yeah, I'll hold.

Okay, my dad's in his room watching the game. By the time he realizes we're

gone, I'm going to be crowned queen.

Well, potentially queen. As chairperson, I can't wait. Just shut up and let's

go.

That's not his daughter. That's our new bodyguard.

Life preservation specialist. Thank you.

This is Miles.

He's going to be staying with us for a little while. Isn't he great?

Thank you, Mr. Washington.

It's so nice to be appreciated.

You're such a good guy.

I'll just sit right here.

Just pretend I'm not even here.

My specialty is camouflage.

scares me.

Daddy, this is so unfair. I want to go to the dance.

It's just not safe out there, sweetie, for either of us. Well, when is it going

to be safe?

Today? Tomorrow?

Next month? Next year?

My whole life is going to pass me by in this house.

You know what?

You're right, sweetie. Put on your dress. Put on your shoes. Get all

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, and I'm going to make you a crown out of some aluminum foil and a cape out

of some bed sheets.

You know, statistically, Mr.

Flex, stalkers are more likely to find you in your own home than in a public

place. The camouflage is right.

And anyway, who's going to mess with that?

She's right. Nobody can beat me.

Except my sister, Stacy. She's bigger than me and got dimples you can swim in.

And she's single.

Smell the clear as hell, see the dancing, look at all the white boys off

Let's go.

But, Daddy, you promised.

Okay, but you got to stay right by my side at all times.

Okay.

Ooh, spirit.

Flex,

don't worry about it. We'll keep an eye on her. She will not leave my side. Ooh,

punch.

Don't worry, Flex.

I'll never leave your side.

Ooh, balloons.

This is your gift.

All right, Miles, we got to keep our eyes open at all times.

But these are all kids.

I think we're safe.

No, no, no. See, but it's not the children I'm worried about. It's the

chaperones. Any one of them could be the stalker. Like that one right there with

the missing finger.

He's probably the shop teacher.

Shop teacher?

Or chop teacher?

You want me to check them out? Yeah, check them all out.

And I'll be hiding behind, I mean, waiting bravely behind this plant over

sophomore king and queen. But before I get to that, I'd like to discuss the

challenges of being a chairperson.

Uh, where's your man -man, Bree Bree?

Look, he's captain of the lacrosse team, so... Mm -hmm.

Whatever. He ain't here.

Uh, Ginger, looks like Kiki's wearing the same dress you've got on. What?

Where's that hoochie?

You look beautiful, Brianna. I don't need you to validate me.

You really think so?

Arnaz, did I just hear you smile?

That won't keep y 'all from speaking to me in the hallway.

Anyway, now the moment you've all been waiting for. This year's Harvest Moon

sophomore queen is...

But he's mine forever.

And I gave y 'all my cookies?

It's good to be a chairperson, huh?

This is more than a bit weird.

Maybe, but I like it.

I'm going to be free.

My baby was right.

It was worth the risk.

Say cheese.

Cheese.

Dan,

Jeffy, what are you two doing here?

Flex, Jeffy has something he needs to tell you.

Okay, little buddy.

What's on your mind?

You're the greatest sportscaster ever, Mr. Washington.

Jeffy.

Okay, I'm your stalker.

Sorry about that Steamer Trump stuff.

You? But why?

Because you hurt my big buddy. Look at him. He's useless. He's a towel rack.

And the worst part is the big buddy program won't even trade him in for a

one. When we talk about forgiving people and not stalking them after that last

incident, what do we say?

Talk it out.

Don't stalk it out.

Mr. Washington, I'll never do it again.

I forgive you, little buddy.

Friends? Friends. Come here, man.

Love you too, Netta.