Original subtitles

Oh, good morning, Daddy.

Good time to chat. The women's football league is having a press conference, and

I'm late.

Oh, first basketball, now football?

We women can play any sport we put our minds to.

Eh, sport, pipe dream, sideshow, who am I to judge?

Thanks for cooking.

Daddy, do you really think I'm sitting around in my cheerleading outfit just

the fun of it?

No offense, but you've done stranger things in the name of fun.

Daddy, I have cheerleading practice. You said you'd take me. Can't you catch the

bus? Daddy, a teenage girl taking public transportation, a dress isn't your

leader?

Give me a car.

Well, you know, Daddy, my 16th birthday is coming up in three days and I'll be

driving, so we have to come up with some sort of schedule for the car.

Okay, how about I drive my car and you drive yours?

But I don't have a car. Better note that on the schedule.

When there's nobody

and asking questions, acting all guilty. Go to your room.

Daddy, I saw you sit on something. Either you're hiding something or you're

waiting for my brother or sister to hatch.

Come on, I'm not sitting on anything. I'm just... What's this?

Huh?

The birthday fairy left the 16 -year -old girl a present.

There's a 16 -year -old girl in the house. Daddy!

Those pearls came straight from Fiji.

Did they get here in a car?

I get it.

Someone was expecting Keith to set a wheel.

I was going to wait until after dinner, but come on over to the window.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Okay, look over there. See that one right there, the purple one with the

sunroof? Yeah, yeah.

Sure, I'll hook a sister up with a bus pass.

But you know the deal. You want a car, you got to pay for a car.

Okay, okay.

Well, do you know my friend Marla from school? She has an arrangement with her

parents where they'll match anything she saves so she can buy a car. Can we do

that?

Pumpkin, you want me to match you? You don't even have a job.

I mean, it'll take you forever to... But if that's what you want to do, match

whatever money you save.

Grandpa gave me $500 for my birthday, and plus your five, that will make $1

,000.

But... Daddy, you promised.

Yeah, but that promise was to broke Brianna, not $500 Brianna.

Come on, Daddy, I'm trying to go legit here.

I'm not getting a credit card, I'm not throwing a rave, and I'm not

Dwayne. I'm getting money the old -fashioned way.

I'm begging for my daddy.

Okay, we'll get you a car.

Patience, young one, patience.

Okay, finding a quality used car is the ultimate chess match, okay?

Now, you have to find the best car for the least money. Now, in order to do

that, we have to find a dealership with a weak -minded salesperson. Mm -hmm. A

puppet whose strings I can pull at will.

Brianna's first car, and you came to me.

You've always been there for the special moments, D. You're like a brother to

me, brother.

I can't believe it.

Seems like just yesterday you were riding around on your little tricycle.

Well, no.

Let's see where we can find you.

Oh, hey, hey, you break it, you bought it.

Ooh, looks like you already have. What happened to you?

Brianna's new friend Josh ran over my foot.

Psycho. He tried to trip his scooter.

Psycho. What are you thinking, boy?

I told you, if you want to take him out, use a 2x4, not your foot. Oh,

which one to get? They're all so fabulous.

And expensive.

Not for Flex the negotiator. That is a sucker boy every minute. But a sucker

like Dwayne only comes around once in a lifetime.

What kind of car are we looking for? Something sleek and sporty, and it can

driven under an 18 -wheeler like in the Fast and the Furious.

What kind of budget are we working with?

$1 ,000.

What about that car over there?

Oh, that one? Yeah, it's a nice car, isn't it?

But it's a little out of your price range.

Oh, that's a dream ride, ain't it?

And you would look so cute behind the wheel.

Yeah, let me direct you to the cheap daddy section.

Cheap?

What are you calling it cheap?

Flex, you came in with $1 ,000.

You know where $1 ,000 will get you?

Oh, it doesn't have seatbelts, but don't worry about it. It doesn't have seats.

I can't put my baby in there. Flex, now if you want something better, you got to

come up with some more chatter.

Maybe I should sweeten the pot.

Well, all right then.

Maybe we can work something out, brother.

What is it going to take for me to get you into that car, partner?

A deal, I reckon.

Sticker price is $2 ,500.

Sorry about that.

I can only go as high as 18, less than you throwing the mule.

Nah, Hoss.

Maybe I can talk him down to 21.

Too rich for my blood.

I better get to Mosey.

Whoa.

Maybe I can talk to my man.

He doesn't even have a clue.

It's like a deer nibbling on a hunter's rifle.

Wayne, you out of your mind.

He's my best friend. His daughter's my godchild. She just turned 15.

Oh, why didn't you say so? Let's just give every car in the lot happy freaking

birthday.

Dear, are you in trouble?

Never mind, Big Sal. His bark is worse than his bite.

What? No, really, I... Got him so mad one time that he bit me. Wasn't that

Now, don't tell anybody I did this for you, but I'm going to waive my

commission. You would do that for me, dawg? Hey, man, anything for Brianna.

we're brothers, right?

All right. Now, that's going to shave the price down to $1 ,950, except if you

want the extended warranty.

Extended warranty?

Oh, no, no, no. That's how you brothers get paid.

What you going to throw in next? Some winterizing?

Some undercoating?

One of those little hula dogs you put on the dashboard and go like this?

All right, all right, all right. You got me.

All right, no extended warranty.

All right, let's just, uh, draw up the paperwork.

Okay, Brianna, you ready to, uh... Brianna?

Sit down, Mr. Washington.

We have to push it all the way back home.

What are you talking about? You were behind the wheel. Brianna and I did all

pushing.

No, no, I can't believe that that car broke down on you. That almost never

happens to cars from Big Sal's. That is one of the best used cars out there.

That's what I'm saying.

Don't worry, Bri.

We'll have it towed down to Big Sal's in the morning, and we'll have your nice

Uncle Dwayne fix it for free.

Wait a minute. You got another Uncle Dwayne? Because the good -looking one

do that.

I don't know about the good -looking one, but the short, stubby one better

to fixing it.

Sorry, Flex, but you didn't get the extended warranty.

I mean, big -size warranties are for eight miles or eight hours, whichever

first.

I don't believe this. This is an outrage.

This is a scandal.

I haven't seen a travesty like this since Mariah Carey and Glitter.

Now, look. Now, if you buy a TV and it breaks down after two days, do you get

your money back?

Absolutely. Well, you should have bought her a TV.

Flex, it was an as -is sale. It says so on the receipt.

Look, man.

I bought a car from you because I thought you were my friend.

But if this is how you're going to be, then I guess I'll just have to take

matter into my own hands.

What are you going to do?

Item number 1125 on calendar, Washington versus Knox.

Parties, please step forward.

In our next case, Flex Washington is a 33 -year -old broadcaster from

Maryland. He is suing godfather -gone -god -awful 34 -year -old Dwayne Odell

Knox for selling him a defective used car.

Dwayne is counter -suing for $1 million.

Judge Joe Brown presides.

All rise.

You may be seated.

Thank you, Miss Holly.

Okay, baby, remember, eye contact.

If you can't look a judge in the eye, it means you're lying. See this right

here? That's truth.

This right here? Lies. I'm lying. I'm lying.

I'm lying, Your Honor. Don't believe a word I say.

Mr. Washington, it seems before your daughter's 16th birthday, you bought a

for her from the defendant that promptly broke down.

Now, Mr. Washington, you have the floor first, sir. Thank you, Your Honor. Well,

the defendant is a, uh...

Low -down, dirty, unscrupulous used car pusher.

Now, why did you buy this car from the defendant?

You like being a victim?

No, sir.

Perhaps what we need is a little background here. What type of

you two have before this transaction?

Well, Your Honor, Dwayne and I have been best friends since the fourth grade.

Yep, yep. We were so close that if I was hungry, he would eat.

See? Look at him.

Yeah, yeah, bravo, bravo. And the award for the best phony friend goes to Flex

Washington, right?

Wait your turn, sir. And by the way, a little bit of home training right now

might do you some good, too.

Sir, is one of these young ladies over here your daughter?

Uh, oh, yes, yes, Your Honor. This is the victim, and this is just a friend,

fashion victim.

Okay, baby, go ahead and tell them how everything happened. And remember, eye

contact, eye contact.

Yeah, I know, on the day of my 16th birthday.

Young lady, excuse me, excuse me.

Do we have a thyroid problem here?

Or are you trying to make eye contact to impress the court?

I'm sorry, I just want you to know that I'm telling the truth.

Just put your eyes away.

Now, answer me this.

Who picked out this car? You, your father, or the defendant?

Well, my daddy wanted something safe and reliable for me. Until Dwayne calls him

cheap, and then he hoodwinked my daddy into buying a more expensive car.

That's right, Your Honor. He's a master of manipulation.

He's a Bengali of deceit. He's a used car pusher.

Sir, what do you have to say about these accusations?

I don't have to say anything, Your Honor. If it pleases the court, I'll let

witness. Do the talking. Witness?

He's a Jewish.

No, no, he's Episcopalian.

Your Honor, this young man can testify as to the integrity of my character.

Go on, young man.

Testify.

Your Honor, I'd like to read a statement that Duane... that I have prepared.

Ever since my parents broke up, Duane O'Dell Nock has been like a father to

He's a pillow of the community.

Pillar. Pillar of the community.

He represents honesty, respect.

Nicely read, young man. Now we know you passed English. Get to the point. Arnaz,

why don't you just tell the judge how I offered Mr. Washington the extended

warranty and he refused?

The great Dwayne Odell Knox kindly offered Flex the extended warranty and

unequivocally refused.

Son, what does unequivocally mean?

Couldn't tell you, boy.

I thought not.

Now, let me advise all of you that as the trier of fact, I have to assess your

credibility. So don't try to get too cute on me up in here.

Now, young lady, why did you go to Big Sal's?

May I remind you, you're under oath.

Well, the truth is, my daddy thought Dwayne might be a bit of a pushover.

I'm sorry.

Ah, Miss Holly, now we're getting somewhere.

Why would you think that, Mr. Washington?

Well, Your Honor, because he's Dwayne.

I mean, he's always been like that, for as long as I can remember.

I showed you this Marmaduke comic book for that Superman.

But I like Superman.

Dwayne, I'm just looking out for you. I mean, do you really want people to know

that you like a man in tights?

No, but... You like dogs, right?

Mama Duke is way cooler than Superman.

And I'm just trying to do you a favor.

Oh.

Okay.

Blah -dah.

He was just always so easy to get over on.

Idiot says what?

What? Idiot says what?

What? Idiot says what? What?

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Mr. Funny Man, and I'm just so stupid. Well, let me tell you how stupid I am

not.

Yep.

That's my madude without a tail.

Only 33 copies were printed before they caught the mistake.

I know.

I'll give you $400 for it.

No way, mister.

I have at least two other buyers who are willing to pay me five for it.

All right.

I'll give you $525 and a cream sink.

It's a deal.

Drive a hard bargain, Mr. Comic Book Man.

Uh, how you like me now?

You got $525?

Yeah, and a creamsicle.

Man, you set me up. You try to set me up first, man. You think you're smarter

than everyone else.

Oh, not everyone else, just you.

Man, whatever.

And the thing, I even waived my commission for you. Wait a minute. If

your commission, what's the sales fee?

Excuse me?

I see tax.

title, and a $600 sales fee. What's that if not a commission?

Oh, sales fee. Yes.

That is the percentage that is paid to a salesperson for his or her

services. Exactly.

A commission.

Well, potato, potato.

It's potato, potato.

Potato. Who's the idiot now, Judge?

Sir, you got a nice chunk of change off of this deal.

Sit down, the both of you. You're setting a very bad example for these

Don't make me have to declare both of you pitiful.

Now, let's go with the witness.

Young lady, do you have anything meaningful to say?

Yes, your honor. I'm single, I like to mingle, and all the cute boys can give

a jingle.

Beep, beep.

Beep, beep.

Yeah, Gert, that's my new thing. I forgot to tell you. You sit your little

down.

It's pretty obvious to the court that this case is less about business than

about a friendship gone bad.

And it looks to me like you're both guilty of playing each other.

Am I right?

Is this really the place to point blame, Your Honor?

Well, it is a courtroom. What do you think we do up in here?

Even so, he sold me the car and is therefore responsible for fixing it.

Where'd you say you got your law degree from?

I don't have one, but I watch you every day.

You the man.

Really? Well, he's got good taste, Miss Holly.

Then you won't be surprised if I rule against you.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I'll take my million in small bills.

Lucia says what?

I'm dismissing your countersuit.

What?

First of all, this is a small claims court. If you could read, you'd know

that the most we can deal with is $5 ,000.

I'll take that.

You were acting as agent for your friend, the plaintiff, and his daughter,

you acted with little faith, and both of you are still acting like little boys

trying to game each other for a little money.

So I'm going to dismiss both cases. Both of you get out of here. Get together.

Quit acting so low down.

And that's the word of Judge Joe Brown.

We're on commercial break.

Save it for Judge Judy.

Your friendship or a used car?

I don't know. The last time I checked, a used car never stabbed me in the back.

Well, one could run you over.

Not one from your lot.

Well, hypothetically, I don't think friends are supposed to take advantage

each other. Well, hypothetically, I would expect a friend to tell a friend

something was eating at him for 20 years.

Well, hypothetically, I think that a friend should tell another friend that

friend... Fellas, everybody knows you're talking about each other. Why don't you

just say what's on your mind?

I just want to tell Dwayne that I'm sorry for trying to take advantage of

for the past few decades.

You're my best friend, and I'll never do it again.

I love you, bro.

I love you too, dog.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Brittany.

Love you too, Netta.