Original subtitles

What's with your hair?

You keep on teasing it, it's going to want to fight you back.

I'm trying to draw attention away from this huge zit on her forehead.

Man, I can't take the picture for my learner's permit with this huge speed

on my face.

Man, that thing's so big, boy, that'd give it its own eye test.

Daddy, this is serious.

This is the most... important picture I'm going to take in my entire life. I

have to look good.

Bree, it's just your learner's permit.

You only have it until you get your real license.

But Mr. Washington, this is a major milestone in a girl's life. Like your

kiss. Your first love.

Your first push -up bra.

Everything has to be perfect.

And Perky.

The only thing Perky in this house is the coffee.

But she's right, Daddy.

As of today, I will officially be a member of the driving public and a

Oh, baby, you can't call yourself a woman until you stop having tea parties

your stuffed animals.

More to you, Mr. Boo -Boo Bear. Don't mind if I do.

You didn't think I saw you, did you?

Daddy! I'm just kidding, sweetie.

You're well on your way to becoming a woman.

I can't believe you're almost 16.

What happened to my baby?

I think she was smothered to death.

I don't know. I just think sometimes if I hold on tight enough, you won't grow

up so fast.

Dad, we gotta go.

I know.

I'm just trying to flatten your hair so doggone big.

But I can't just know one name So don't isolate yourself when there's nobody

chubby and out of shape.

What you talking about, D? Chubby is your shape.

No, no, seriously, Flex. Come on, man. I'm feeling a little insecure.

I was flirting with this muscle babe down at the gym today. Oh, I know the

Stairway breath, chin hair, but still cute. Right, right.

And anyways, Mr. Super Bowl ring, Ray Lewis walks by, and all she can say is,

ooh, look at Ray's butt. You about to cut off Ray's butt. Your butt look like

need a bra.

It hurt me, dog.

I'm not made of stone.

And apparently neither is your butt.

I'm just kidding, dog. Hey, you know what? I can help you get in shape.

Really? Yeah, first we can work on your pecs, get them nice and tight, get them

firm. Then we go to the arms, get them all cut up and everything. I like where

this is going.

What about the mushy tushy?

When I'm all done with you, it'll be sitting firm and high.

You think you can give me those two little dents on the side?

Women love those dents.

Can you give me seven, eight months? I'll have you looking like an Adonis.

Seven, eight months, man.

There's got to be a quicker way to get those butt dents.

I could ram a shopping cart into you.

Daddy, I'm ready for my driving lessons, and I'm perfectly coordinated to match

your silver Navigator. Okay.

I am not teaching you how to drive dressed like that.

These block your peripheral vision.

And these nails prevent you from gripping the steering wheel properly.

And those tight pants are staying on me.

You failed. Today's lesson is over. Class dismissed.

Can I have my fingernails back, Professor Hater?

Now, I believe in a firm hand, dog, but you went Joe Jackson on her.

Yeah, well, she should stop dressing like Latoya.

Seriously, Flex, why are you being so hard on Brianna?

Man, I have to be hard on her, D. Driving is serious business.

Well, what about driver's ed? They got good teachers, don't they? It's a public

school. They teach him on lawn chairs while holding a Frisbee.

Matt, don't you think you're going a little bit over the top on this? You

haven't seen what the eyes of this newsman has seen.

Charred minivans.

Crumpled SUVs.

All because some irresponsible teenager was too busy answering his two -way

instead of keeping his eyes on the highway.

I like my daughter with her teeth.

It don't make sense.

Actually, I'm kind of surprised that you're letting her practice in your

precious new car.

I figured you'd trick Nicole into using hers.

Oh, no, she's out of town, so I'm tricking you.

All right, you know, I guess I don't mind donating my baby for Brianna's

I mean, she is my godchild.

Thanks, G. All right, no problem, dog.

In the meantime, I'm just going to be chilling you new navigator. Peace.

Hey.

Yeah, hello? I'd like to report a stolen navigator.

The guy who took it looks like a short black Oompa Loompa.

Okay.

The gas tank's full.

Tire pressure's equalized. I even aligned the steering.

I think we're ready to roll.

Oh, finally.

Oh, my God.

What? What's wrong?

I know those people.

They can't see me in this car from Pimstone Parade.

What's up? Where's your friends?

Hey, yeah, yeah, Brianna's friends.

She's learning how to drive with her daddy.

You know what? It's okay. I told them I was adopted a long time ago.

All right. Playtime is over.

Oh, time to drive.

Today's lesson is over. Class dismissed.

Why? Why?

Why? Because you started the call without putting on your seatbelt first.

why.

Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy. Can I have another chance? There's no second chance after

you fly to a windshield and they're scraping you off the mud flap of an 18

-wheeler. There's no second chance!

approaches you with the high beams on. What do you do?

I focus my eyes straight ahead away from the beams and watch the escort in my

peripherals. Correct.

You're driving spirit to the mall to buy some pink glitter eyeshadow when it

suddenly starts to rain.

What do you do?

I slow down because the first 30 minutes of rain fall are when the roads are the

slickest. Correct.

when a school bus full of kids suddenly stops.

What do you do?

Nothing, because even though you don't have a Ferrari, if you should ever get

one, I would never drive it.

Correct.

You ready to get back behind the wheel?

Oh, yes!

Think fast.

Reflexes need work. Up early and they're going to kill the Jenkins. What a

noise.

Sue the... never made it to the prom because she was laying in a ditch

folded into.

More to the story if mascara and motor vehicles don't mix.

The end.

Oh, poor Susie. She was so young and pretty.

Susie brought that on herself.

Look at that poor hitchhiker she didn't see.

He's never going to use that thumb again.

You want to stay alive, think before you drive.

Now, Brianna, our lesson will resume in the afternoon.

Now, for homework, study your manual and these accident photos.

Okay, now that you guys see what I'm talking about, ever since he's been

teaching me how to drive, he's been acting insane.

Look, Bri, your dad's just worried about you. And to tell you the truth, so am

I. Really? Yeah.

I tell my girlfriend Ginger that all the time.

Well, one thing's for sure. If Ginger ever got into a car accident, she's got

her own airbags.

Yeah, she does.

Then why aren't you with her?

Sometimes I just want to hang with my friends, you know?

Plus, all that kissing has my lips chapped, so, you know.

Okay, you know what, Spirit? If he thinks he's just going to choose that

girl over me and we're still going to be friends, he's got another thing coming,

okay?

all our TV.

Hey, what you doing, man? Every second I'm awake, it's an opportunity to lose a

pound.

Check this out.

Fat smasher plus.

Man, how much of this stuff did you take?

Three packs.

I'm smashing, baby!

See, this stuff has some serious side effects. It's dangerous.

No, it's cool, dog. It's cool. It helps you lose weight by speeding up your

metabolism.

are you ready hold on hold on hold on uh let's take a deep breath in with the

brave in out with the scaredy all right now let's proceed with the

lesson all right yeah check your blind spot

both hands on the wheel take it off

we're driving here okay

Look both ways.

Don't look at me. Look at the street. Do you know anything about driving?

Turn right. Turn right.

Where's the signal?

Huh? I didn't see a signal. How does that car know what you're going to do?

You know what you're going to do, but they don't know what you're going to do.

I said don't look at me.

Okay. All right. Speed up.

All right. Slow down. Slow down.

Watch out for the car in front.

Watch out for the car in front.

your windshield wipers on.

How can you not see the fire hydrant? Because I was looking at the pothole.

What, you can't see the fire hydrant and the pothole? What, you gotta be cross

-eyed to see them both?

You can't see two things at once?

No, I can't.

That's all I've been hearing all day. I can't do this. I can't do that. Brianna,

if you're gonna be a good driver, you have to learn how to multitask. Daddy,

I wouldn't be screaming at you like a maniac if you weren't driving like one!

Now drive and give me 20!

Okay, you know what, Daddy? You're fired.

Oh, hold on. You can't fire me. I'm the best teacher you'll ever have.

Oh, no. I know of a better one. A real teacher.

Someone who's patient and is always nice to me.

You're doing fine, dear. Just slow down a little.

But, Grandma, we just pulled out. I'm only doing five miles an hour. Save the

speed limit. That's Grandma's speed limit. Slow down.

Ah, that's better.

Now, pull over.

Uh, did I do something wrong? No, no. I just want to pick up my dry cleaning.

Well, if you were any further from the curb, I'd have to call a taxi.

Okay.

I need to dash in the grocery store and get my lottery tickets.

Grandma needs a new pair of shoes.

And I suppose we'll be stopping for them, too.

Spirit, she's been in there forever.

Ooh, ooh, I see Arnette's girlfriend.

You think I can run Ginger over and tell the police I thought she was a fire

hydrant?

Ooh, here comes my grandma. Finally, bro, I gotta go.

Free, this is Miss Odessa.

My friend?

We're giving her a ride home.

Okay. Hi, Miss Odessa.

Hi, Honey Lamb.

Eunice, she looks just like you. I know. A little like Richard, too.

Okay,

everyone buckled up.

Safety first.

Whoa.

Well, looks like you've got a Speedy Gonzales on your hands.

Good thing I put some fresh glue on my wig.

giving you driving lessons around the neighborhood. Are we taking a detour

through a Destiny Child video?

Girl, this outfit is for Arnaz, okay?

He said he just wants to be friends, but after he sees me in this, he gonna

change his mind.

I mean, I know how to drive a car, but I do know how to drive a boy. Crazy.

You've been practicing that one all day.

Actually, yeah.

What's up, Brianna?

What's up, Spirit?

Hey, Arnaz.

Hello, friend.

Um, you got a button open.

You shouldn't be looking here, friend.

This is the friend zone.

Well, I'm trying to tell you as a friend that your top is unbuttoned.

Well, as a friend, you shouldn't be undressing me with your eyes. Right,

Uh, uh... You know what, Brianna? I don't know what's wrong with you, but

you've been acting all weird. Is it just me, Spirit?

Uh, well, I've been acting weird. I'm not the one who went all cuckoo for

Gingerpuff. Look, I don't know what your deal is.

But that day on the stoop, we agreed to just be friends.

Wait, I didn't agree to anything.

You said let's just be friends and then walked away.

If you don't want to be friends, just say so.

Let me think about it.

Meanwhile, this keeps me out of jail.

All right. But just for the record, legally, you're supposed to practice

with an adult over 21.

Well, my dad doesn't know. Won't hurt him.

but I can see where your training has been lacking.

Now, I'm not one to name names, but it's obvious Flex has ruined you by making

you a purely defensive driver.

Me, I'm all about the offense. Cut off before you get cut off.

Uh, that wasn't in my driver's manual.

Oh, this?

This is defensive driving propaganda.

See those Catholic schoolgirls? Now they think that the crosswalk is a force

shield. No, don't say that for them!

If it's their time to go, it's their time to go.

Is this you or that Fat Smasher Plus talking?

I'm not taking that stuff anymore.

I swear.

What'd you hear?

Nothing. Relax. Are you okay?

Why wouldn't I be? I mean, why are you asking me all these questions?

I mean, what? Is this some type of intervention?

Is it hot in here? Is it hot?

Uh,

I'm at a four -way stop. Who goes first? I don't know who's going first.

I know who's going first. Ah!

I need some help.

Baby, help me get this monkey out of my back.

I'm telling you, boy.

eating those crabs.

You know I'm trying to lose some weight. Can a brother get some support?

Yeah, I told you to get off that stuff. Those mood swings are driving me crazy.

I know. I'm sorry.

It just keeps calling me.

Son, why don't you just try exercise and a proper diet?

That's a great idea.

Thank you, Mr. Barnes.

Don't mention it. Don't patronize me!

Ooh, butter.

As much as I'm enjoying Sybil here, I gotta be leaving soon. I'm supposed to

take Rihanna driving after school.

I'm still upset she doesn't want me teaching her.

Oh, you can't blame her, son. You see, unlike me, you lack patience.

You? Patience?

I remember one time I was walking so slow, you left me.

So, you should have sped up.

I was still a kindergarten pop, and I was wearing those special shoes.

You know, the ones with the metal bar in the middle.

Face it, you just don't have the skills that I do, Mr. Pigeon Toes.

I was in Nam, son.

I had landmines exploding right next to me, and I didn't flinch.

Watch me work.

Watch it! Watch it! Watch it!

It's on the wheel! Tenning two! Tenning two!

He is out of control.

Look at that vein popping out of his forehead.

Man, this bitch looks like a road map.

You don't know anything about driving. The only driving you're doing is driving

me to my grave.

But Grandpa... Don't look at me. Look at the road.

Look at the road.

Santa, pull over.

Santa, now you're both yelling at me.

Baby, calm down.

I'm going to talk to her, Dad.

You? Oh, good luck. One of you can't drive, and the other one can't walk. You

deserve each other.

18 years.

Are we just going to leave him back there?

Let's give him some time to cool off.

We'll pull over.

Daddy, I am getting so tired of trying to learn how to drive.

I mean, can't you just hire me a really cute chauffeur and I'll make do with

that?

Gran, I know we've been really tough on you, but when I hear your grandpa yell

at you, I hear the same fear in his voice that I've heard in mine.

Well, what are you afraid of?

Then I'll never learn how to drive, and then she's going to die trying to teach

me. A little bit of both.

But it's not just that.

Driving is dangerous, baby, and I'm afraid I could lose you, which is why

the wrong person to teach you.

In fact, anyone who cares about you is the wrong person to teach you.

Tell me about it.

I've been close to pulling into oncoming traffic just to shut y 'all up.

Which is why we need to hire a professional.

Someone with a death wish.

You mean it, Daddy. Yes, I do.

Oh, shoot, here comes Grandpa. Should we let him in?

You know, neither of y 'all is too old for a butt -whooping.

Hit it!

Yo, D, what's up? You ready to work out?

Uh, yeah, Flex, about that, man, um...

I don't think I'll be hitting the gym anymore. See, I found a woman who likes

as is.

Congratulations, man. That's good for you. Oh, thank you, dog.

Hey, BK, come in here, baby.

She even likes my mushy tushy.

You ready to go, baby?

Oh, she's ready to go.

She was taking him to dinner and not for dinner.

Love you too, Netta.