Original subtitles

Ever since Arnaz became the finest thing on two legs, it's been hard to talk to

him.

Maybe he worked a root on me.

I see.

Growing up, did you love your father?

Yes, but I'm developing hostility issues toward my best friend.

Rihanna, we're role -playing. I'm Dr. Melfi, you're Tony Soprano. So if you're

holding back, forget about it.

Rihanna, I'm here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Arne's in here. What do we do? What do we do?

Remember, if you feel uncomfortable, just go to your safe place.

Oh, my God. You're going to get a man.

So

you

wanted to see me?

Yeah, Arne.

Hi.

I feel the same way, too.

I just need to hear you say it.

I like you, Ernest.

No.

I love you.

I love you, too, Brianna.

Brianna.

Brianna.

I think I'm going to go to my safe place.

But I can't turn no one in So don't isolate yourself When there's nobody

of eggs coming sunny side up just like mom you know such a different side of

than i do i don't care what you say i'm glad mommy's in town because i got six

new outfits and none of them are from tarjay pop hey brianna

mommy's here with the real breakfast so you could put away the twizzlers and the

kool -aid

Prepare to have your face cracked, Nicole.

Wolfgang Flex is working it out in the kitchen.

Holla. Leave me.

Wow,

you two have a whole routine worked out.

Brianna and I used to have a routine.

Oh, no, no, no. Not like us.

Come on.

Right, right, right. All right, all right.

Five, six, seven, eight.

make open to give her life.

And on that note, breakfast is served.

Come on, sit right here.

So, uh, how's everything going with your little charity event, Fish Aid?

Well, if you're talking about the City Aquarium's Celebrity Basketball Jam,

going great.

Largely because they chose a local girl, me, who made good, to organize.

Oh.

Good. You've earned it, Nicole.

Not many pictures can ride the backs of killer whales.

I'm sorry, Mom, but that was a good one.

Yeehaw!

So, uh, Dad, you're a celebrity. Why aren't you playing in the game?

I'm not wasting my skills playing against Al Roker and Danny Bonaduce.

Excuse me, I'll have you know that Darius Miles and Quentin Richardson of

Clippers have just confirmed.

Oh, yeah, did I say Bill Walton's gonna coach?

Bill Walton, as in Shaq's taking a break already? How old was that guy?

Oh, count me in. You know, I'm down like two flat tires.

So are your knees.

Oh, see, you were always jealous of my love for basketball.

That's only because you loved her more than you loved me.

Her? Go see.

Basketball was his mistress, sweetie. When I was pregnant with you, he tried

dribble my stomach.

I can't wait to show those young NBA boys how the game is really played.

Do you really think you can run behind Quentin and Darius?

Come on, Flex, they just stopped being teenagers.

You, my friend, are on a rollercoaster ride to middle age.

What's your cup size?

Mama!

I'm sorry, I just don't remember you being so pillow -y.

What else have I been missing?

Actually, Mom, I am having a problem with the boy.

Oh, my God.

You're pregnant?

Oh, God, the cycle continues.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's about Arnett. I think I'm in like with him.

Baby, I thought you and Arnaz were just friends.

We were, until he started dating this girl, Natasha.

She's a junior who thinks Arnaz smells like peaches.

I know that smell.

Then Dad went out of town, and I had a little party with my friends, and I

thought Arnaz was making out with Natasha in my room, and Arnaz thought I

making out with Louis, but I wasn't.

So, you were alone in the house with the boys?

Yes!

I said too much.

Brianna had a wild party while you left her alone in the house?

What kind of parent are you? The kind of parent that already punished her for

that. We worked it out, and I would trust her, even though she's 50 % you.

Flex, when I left Brianna here a year ago, you promised you would take good

of her. Maybe you are not up to the job.

I've done a great job with Brianna.

She's inches away from the honor roll, she's only been to detention twice, and

she's not wearing hair weave.

The way I see it, I'm raising the perfect little princess.

So tell me how she's gone up a cup size.

Well, it depends if you're talking mesh, underwire, or seamless.

You're going to kick some NBA butt tomorrow.

You're looking as good as you used to.

All right, well, throw me the rock, dog. I'll show you some more moves.

Good pass, shorty. Does Mr. Butterworth know you have a scarf?

Okay, see, what happened was I was going to add you to myself, but, see, I see

it takes two of y 'all to do that.

I'm Q Richie.

D -Miles of the L .A. Clippers.

I know who y 'all are, man, all that. I know.

Thanks, Washington.

Sportscaster and former baller. La -da.

La -da.

You don't bang unless you're talking about banging the board.

Don't you? Oh!

Hit my chin.

So I just... Holla.

Flex, yeah. Flex Washington.

Oh, Landon Goshen. It's Bill Walton.

Who said that?

I remember you. You're smooth. You've really got game.

You remember my game?

Not really, but you're on my team and I want to win.

Hang in there, kid.

My butt tells me I should quit, but an NBA Hall of Famer tells me I should hang

in there.

And believe me, he knows more than my butt. Hey, sometimes my butt talks to

too. It's like a seashell.

If you get up to it, you can hear the wind whistling off the Potomac.

All right, Spike, Lisa, let's do this.

Trust me, when you spill your guts on this videotape and Arnaz sees it, he's

going to be silly putty in your hands.

Now, here's your motivation. You're longing for the man you love who doesn't

love you in action.

Yo, Arnaz.

I just want you to know that I'm feeling you and I want you to be my shorty.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

Can I have a little more Hallie? Less Jada?

Pick up your check on the way out.

Fine.

Actors. How about them?

Hey, Arnaz.

Um, I just want to let you know that I like you as much as you like me.

Now scratch that.

I love you, boo.

gracious, McDonald's fouled out. Who's my go -to guy now?

I'm ready to go in, coach. Please pick me, coach. I want to go in. Come on,

coach. Sit down and shut up. I'm the coach around here. Harry, get in there

do something once in your life. Come on, let's go.

When are they going to put your dad in the game?

Forget about him. I'm going to get that tape back before Arnett sees me with a

big hunk of spinach in my teeth.

He's got jalapenos stuck in his teeth.

People like that are just dirty.

Well,

I guess all you're going to end up being is the best looking guy in the team

picture, huh?

Ah, yeah, especially if you're in it.

Everything is a joke to you, isn't it?

You know, that's why our daughter isn't on the honor roll.

She's throwing wild sex parties.

Now, if she were with me, she would be on the honor roll living a very serious,

jokeless life.

You're going to have to remind me I was married to you. No, you were never

married to me. You were married to that orange ball.

And she divorced you just like I did.

Oh, yeah?

We're getting back together.

And we're going to be happy.

No, you don't know how to be happy, Lance. I know how to be happy. Because

are not a serious... Hey.

Hey. A man with this much spirit absolutely has to be in this game.

Now, Jimmy Walker just found out, Flex, you're in. It's on you.

See,

I'm in. In your face, Moby.

Good enough to help us raise $50 ,000.

So why don't we all go to Verrazano's and celebrate with pizza? My treat?

I'd love to, Mom, but me and Spirit are about to go deep cover.

All right, just make sure you close down.

For God's sakes, I'm not interested in sex. What kind of a world did you two

grow up in?

Wow, I guess she doesn't have time for her parents, huh?

Yeah, I just grab my moments with her whenever I can.

That's great, Gene.

All that time off as a civilian, you haven't lost a thing.

Congratulations. Well, you know how it is, Bill. The great ones never lose it.

So true, Flex.

I don't know if you knew it or not, but I scout part -time for the Clippers.

They could really use a veteran like you. Here, why don't you take my card,

me a call, and I'll hook you up for a trial. But please, please promise me one

thing, Flex.

Stay black.

Phil Walden thinks I'm ready to play in the NBA.

Yeah, I heard him, Flex.

Loud and clear.

Come on, let's go get that pizza you treat me to.

Half pepperoni, half pro.

Okay,

Spirit, Arnett is not home.

He's at his guitar lesson to make sure no one sneaks up on me, okay?

Don't worry. If anybody comes, I'll hit them over the head with the fire

extinguisher, then take them to the chop shop.

No more Sopranos for you, okay?

Let's just see if the video's been delivered.

Ooh, girl, I see her right there. All I gotta do is stick my arm in, unlock the

door, and we'll have it.

Uh -oh.

What? My arm is stuck.

Oh, my God, this homegirl, you got a problem? I'm good.

with your mommy might be just what the doctor ordered.

But there's lots of fun stuff to do there. There's ice fishing, and then

there's the great moose migration.

Oh, and let's not forget the summer annual blubber cook -off.

I've been invited to a tryout with the Clippers next week in Los Angeles!

My daddy's gonna be in the NBA! Oh, I'm happy again! Who needs Arnaz when I can

get Kobe?

Um, sweetie, you don't want to live with your father while he's in the NBA.

What do you mean, Mommy?

Yeah, what do you mean, Mommy?

Well, Brianna doesn't know what that NBA life is like. You'll be on the road all

the time. Excuse me, half the time.

with training camp a mere seven months out of the year.

Ah, but then when he's home, he'll be too exhausted to spend any time with

Oh, and then there's those cheap airport trinkets he'll bring home to make up

for all the lost anniversaries. Hey, you told me you love those international

back scratchers.

Lex, all I'm saying is, Brianna needs a stable environment.

Back in Nova Scotia with me.

Look, Mom, I...

Yeah, and he'll have blubber breasts.

Tell me I don't want to go to Nova Scotia.

All right,

what's really going on here, Nicole?

I can do the NBA thing and still make it work with Brianna.

I've made a really good life for myself up in Nova Scotia, and I want to share

that with my daughter. And I've made a really good life for her here, and I

to keep sharing it with her.

All right, Flex, let's be honest.

I miss my daughter.

She's changing every day.

See, this will be good for the both of us. You'll get your dream and I'll get

mine. Wait a minute. I thought your dream was to go to Nova Scotia and free

Willie.

Flex, I'll let you talk me into letting Brianna stay with you for a year.

That year is up.

Are you trying to tell me that you're taking Brianna away from me?

All I'm saying is, the year is up.

Oh, if we don't get that tape back, I'm going to have to move to Nova Scotia

with my mama.

So, new plan.

Molotov cocktail through our neighbor's window.

curtains will catch on fire, and when everyone evacuates, we dress in firemen,

grab the tape, and if anybody sees us, we lay low in the old country till the

heat blows off.

Okay, one more word out of you, and I'm turning you into the feds. Capisce?

How are you and the Sopranos thing? You are not Italian. Look in the mirror.

Uh, hi.

Brianna.

Love this tape.

I love you, Daddy. Love you too, Netta.