Original subtitles

Go ahead, Keith.

Yeah, so, Brianna, I was thinking, wow, maybe...

Can you, um, hold on?

Hello? Hey, girl, I know you're on the phone with Keith. What is he saying?

Girl, the ums are coming fast and furious.

Keith is gonna ask me out. I am so jealous. The guy I like went and changed

number. I am too fine for that.

Hey, you were in the same spot when I left a couple of hours ago. Is that a

phone or your Siamese twin?

What else, baby?

Uh, so, Keith, you were saying?

Oh, she think I'm playing.

I was thinking, um, maybe you and me could, um... Yo, Brianna, you see my

gun cleaner?

You see, the barrel's been mighty dirty since that last boy came a -callin'. I

gotta go.

Um, you wanna go to the movies with me Friday night?

Um, sure, I'd love to go.

You love to go where with Keith? It better not be a date because you're not

ready to date.

Oh, no, no, Daddy, it's not a date.

Keith just asked me to have sex.

What?

But I can't tell no one else.

Then I'll isolate yourself when there's nobody else.

My boss, Big Sal, wants me to take his wife, Connie, to the huge car

ball.

Okay, maybe I'm dumb, but what's the problem?

Man, Connie is so boring.

A night out with Connie is like looking at naked old people.

Just start to think you're living your life wrong.

Anyway, just take her to the dance and keep your cannoli in your pants. You'll

be all right.

Hey, Daddy, is he here yet?

Oh, yeah, he's hiding right here under the couch cushion.

Sit on him.

Can you believe our little Brianna's going out on her first date?

Remember how we were at 15? It was like octopus, hands everywhere.

I think I'm having second thoughts about you going on this date.

Why? Daddy, you promised.

Look, your grandparents didn't allow me to date until I was 18.

Flex, at 18, you were expecting your first child.

Oh, you must be Keith.

Hey, come on in, man. How you doing?

Uh -huh. Yeah.

All right, what's this here, partner?

The best of the fat boys.

What, you need a little mood music before you... My dog?

No, sir. Browner just told me you were an old school hip -hop fan.

Hi. I have music for you, Browner. An early Valentine's Day present.

Oh, flowers for me? Thank you, Keith.

How nice is that, Daddy?

I'll take it from here, dog. All right.

Dwayne Odell Knox, Godfather.

Oh, I am. I know who you are.

And I know what you want.

Okay, you met him, you frisked him. Can we go now? The movie starts soon and we

still have to catch the bus.

Look, you can go on your date, but I gotta lay down the rules.

No sitting close, no hand holding, and no kissing. And yes, you can get

by kissing.

Can you really?

I gotta go make a call because I'm pregnant.

Rana?

I don't know why you're having problems with your car, Mr. Nate. I swear, it was

only driven by a little old lady to and from church.

Uh -huh.

And then off a bridge.

Oh, Connie, come on. I love what you've done with... Have you gained... Are

those new horn -rimmed glasses?

New tape. But I didn't come to talk fashion, Dwayne. I came to tell

you that you are off the hook.

You know, for the winterizing ball, you don't have to take me.

I'm just going to stay home and curl into a fetal position.

Oh, too bad. I was really looking forward to seeing you shake your

Come on, Dwayne. You don't have to lie to me.

I know the only reason you agreed to take me is because Big Sal's your boss,

you were afraid he was going to kill you.

He didn't say anything, did he? Connie, I don't want to sleep with the fishies.

He hasn't said anything in years except more sauce, less talk.

Connie, Connie, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You know what?

I feel your pain.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

People are like cars.

You, for example, are a broken -down old Chevy. But, you know, slap on a little

paint, patch up the airbags, and pretty soon that broke -down Chevy is a gently

used Corvette.

Me?

A little red Corvette?

Didn't go that far.

But with a little help from Mary Kay...

company card, maybe we can make you look like you're not about to party like

it's 1929.

Okay, Dad, we're here safe and sound. Bye -bye now.

Oh, look, there's three perfect seats right there.

No!

Now, I'm not sitting with you. I'm sitting in between you. And that boy

keep his hands to himself, because if I feel a little boy hand touching my leg,

we got a problem.

Okay, I want you to know that you are literally embarrassing me to dance. Keep

the drama on the screen, Brianna.

I'll be in the theater next door.

Good. Or will I?

I could be here.

Or I could be here.

Boys yet?

No. Then my work here is half done.

Hey. Hi.

I don't think your dad likes me.

That's okay.

I do.

I'm not glad I shaved.

What are you doing here?

Where else would I be? opening out of Honey, I Torch the Kids.

Right here in this theater with my hot date.

Girl, he paid me $20. I'm sorry, girl, I'm loyal, but I'm also broke.

And you've seen my feet. I need to pedicure bad.

Could you excuse us, bro? I mean, we're on a date.

You calling me out, punk?

Arnaz, go get me some popcorn.

Please.

Okay.

You lucky.

Be back, baby.

Butter and all, my brother.

Finally, we have a moment to ourselves.

Didn't know where I was going to be, did you?

Keep your hands to yourself.

You're slipping.

Denise? Denise Kirk?

I haven't seen you since high school. What have you been up to?

Oh, got married, got pregnant, got divorced.

You? Got pregnant, got married, and got divorced.

I've been watching you. What happened all over the airwaves?

You look good on TV, but you look even better in person.

My, my, my. I don't remember you being as flirtatious.

You are flirting with me, right?

No. I am flat out coming on to you.

You keep that up, you're going to be rated flex.

You know, I had the hugest crush on you in high school. No.

But you were always with Nicole, so I never had the opportunity to really get

know you.

Well, well, will you look who's here. Who?

Our old friend, Mr.

Opportunity.

Hey, if your dad's in here, maybe I should just wait outside, you know?

I don't want him to take a swing at me in the dark and get away with it.

Don't worry. He punches like a girl.

Dad?

Bree Bree.

Could this be any more embarrassing?

Mom?

Ace was innocently at the movie theater waiting to give Keith a ride home.

And what you walked in on was two old high school friends catching up.

Oh, so you're saying people sword fighting with their tongues is a

to catch up?

Hold on now. There were no tongues involved.

But look, I like the mom and you like the son. What's so bad about that? You

know, if we were in Hollywood, they'd write a movie about it. How Brie Brie

her groove.

Brianna, you're not going to keep seeing Keith.

Unless the dates are supervised by me and his mother.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Connie, the winterizing ball started an hour ago.

Oh, I don't know about this, Dwayne. Every time I look in the mirror, I see

somebody else.

Oh, that's a good thing. It means the makeover took.

Excuse me, beautiful, but I hope you wash your hands after you flushed Connie

down the toilet.

Take a big old tube of lipstick.

When he was two, I used to call him Mommy's Little Sumo Wrestler.

He used to run around in his little diapers grunting, Shut the key.

Seriously. Oh, no, she's not. She's proud of you, boy. Just like I am of

Brianna. My baby can count to ten in Spanish.

Go ahead, show them.

No! And that's Spanish for no!

Well, you're not the only one who's bilingual.

Come by!

You're just as full of surprises, aren't you?

Keith used to make me give him a nickel every time he went in the potty. By the

time he was six, he had a hundred bucks.

Of course, she's making this all up. Don't feel bad. My daddy hears voices,

they're all telling him to act stupid.

Tonight's been nice, huh?

Yeah. Started out a little rough, but I think the kids are coming around.

I just hope they hurry back.

Dessert should be here soon, and my sweet tooth is kicking in.

Mine, too. With all this sugar next to me, I just might want to help myself.

Here are our little angels now.

Oh, it's karaoke.

Awful. Her voice is as flat as her head.

Were you too cheap to buy me a Coke?

Your pockets are where dollars go to die.

Well, I just figured since your dad's a big stack jack that you'd be treating.

Oh, I will treat you. Just a banaca. Your breast smells like hot dog water.

You know, Brianna, I'm starting to think that you're not the girl that I thought

you were.

Right here in this room, I wish you'd get up off my mom. Kate. Oh, give me a

break. Your mama been doing a hand dance all over my daddy.

What a mouth this girl has.

Are you going to let her talk like that?

Well, it's not like your son is being that polite.

You might want to check him.

Check my son?

Your daughter's a little sass queen.

And your son is a little whiny.

And what's with all the, oh.

background check on your friend Keith.

Turns out the band let him go because he couldn't cut it on the clarinet.

What's that tell you?

That you need to get a life?

You got five seconds to explain yourself.

Five, four, three.

You're wasting time.

I'm sorry, Daddy. I panicked.

But you gotta admit, it was weird.

Boyfriend, brother, father, mother.

They don't even do that in the project.

You're overreacting. It was just a double date.

I thought we could have fun together.

But it wasn't fun for me.

You know what, Brianna?

You're right.

It was a bad plan.

But I didn't set out to hurt you.

But you sure set out to hurt me.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Someone call the authorities. Wild supermodel on the loose.

Thank you.

Dwayne, I just came by to bring you this ricotta pie.

And thank you for a wonderful evening.

I felt like Cinderella at the ball.

Huh. Guess that would make me your fairy godmother.

Without the fairy or the mother party.

Wayne, last night, for the first time in a long time, I felt that.

Big Sal hasn't made me feel that way since our wedding night, and that was

for five sweaty minutes.

Well, I'm just glad I could do my part.

Connie,

what are you doing? Damn, girl, I could have sucked up a taste bud.

You have opened up a whole new world for me, and I love you for it.

No, no, no.

Why? Why not?

We just don't go together. We're like a Snickers bar at a Weight Watcher

convention.

I understand what's going on. I know you don't want to be with me because I'm

white. No, it's because you're married.

You're married to my boss, my violently tempered boss. And I mean, I like you,

but I like my job and I like my legs too. And if you saw me in heels, you'd

why.

You don't want me.

Connie, wait. Look, Connie.

Connie, sit down.

Connie,

you're a beautiful woman.

And under any other circumstances, I would love to be with you.

I mean, if sexy were toothpaste, you would be tar -tar control.

You really think so? Absolutely.

And if your husband doesn't think you're sexy after looking at you, they should

change his name from Big Sal.

It's a big gal.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day, Daddy.

Hey, you decorated?

And you made brownies?

Um, actually, they're Rice Krispie Treats. I didn't know you weren't

cook them.

I'm sorry, Daddy. I was childish and selfish.

And rude and spiteful and scheming, but you get that from your mama, so I can't

blame it on you.

Will you forgive me?

Sit down, baby.

Oh, I smell a lecture coming off.

Uh, no, that's your barbecue rice crispy treats.

Look, I shouldn't have tried to horn in on you, did you? But when that boy

showed up at the door, all I saw was red.

And not that pretty red you see around Christmas.

That loud, angry, red rum!

And be careful, because they'll take you away.

It's just that no matter how old you get, you will always be my little girl.

And you may be ready to date, but I'm not ready for it yet.

But I'm 15.

You have to let go sometimes.

But maybe you could wait another year and buy me some time to get used to it.

And if I'm lucky, you'll have a bad case of acne, and ain't nobody going to want

you anyway.

Can't we compromise?

Okay, you can date. Okay.

Only if it's in a group with an odd number of people.

And that way, there'll be a fifth wheel hating all night long.

I guess I can live with that.

Good. In the meantime, I'm your date tonight.

So, will you be my Valentine?

All right, good. Free me.

Oh, no.

Oh,

no, no, no.

I knew this was going to happen. Mr. Nate's back.

Hi.

It's going to be a little tricky. It's hard to swindle people in person, so

act.

Good idea, Connie. Every customer should get a pie.

Hey, Dewey. What's up, man?

Hey, you stopped taking my calls, and my steering wheel came off.

Nate Dog.

I mean, who's gonna steal a car without steering wheel?

Hey, man, I just want my money back, and don't make me have to get the whole dog

pounded to get it back.

All right, hey, all right, let's not perpetuate the stereotype of the angry

artist. Hey, first off, I'm not a rap artist. I'm a hip -hop impresario.

And if you think I'm playing, I'll take your pie and your woman.

She's looking real attractive right now.

Well, she's not my... Dwayne.

I don't feel we should upset Mr.

Dog any further.

So, you find me attractive?

Yeah, you and the pie.

Come on.

Captain, save a woman because she's hanging on me.

Love you too, Netta.