Original subtitles

Three more rhinestones and these jeans will be perfect for the bling bling

dance. Ooh, girl, let me see.

Ooh, girl, I've been blinded by the bling.

So is your dad okay with taking us to the dance? Oh, yeah, he was cool at

but then after an hour, he started moaning about gas money and dealing with

giggly teenagers all night. I don't know what he's talking about, but, girl,

we're going to have so much fun.

Rihanna, Spirit, meet my cousin Alicia.

Cut out your cousins who are Chinese.

That's on my mom's side. She's on my dad's side.

So your dad's white and your mom's half black, half Jamaican Chinese.

So your family's just one big Bennington ad, aren't they?

Arnett emails me about you guys all the time.

He's right. You're off the sleazy.

No, no. She means off the heezy.

She's from a small town.

I'm tired of living in the sticks.

So I thought I'd come to the city and visit my cousin. Yeah, drove the whole

eight hours by herself.

Oh, time really flies when you're seeing the Dixie Chicks at the top of your

lungs. Hey, hold up. Alicia got a car. Oh, I think she's going to be my new

friend. Hey, girl.

You know, you could drive us to the bling bling dance.

Oh, Alicia, I don't think Uncle Bertrand and Aunt Marge are approved.

They're nothing there but a bunch of hip hoppers with their cornrows and a

couple of gold teeth.

Like, what's wrong?

I got MTV and Sugarfield.

But Alicia, you don't understand.

This is a bling -bling dance. It's all about being ghetto fabulous.

Ghetto fabulous.

I can do that.

Where's the closest Walmart?

Ooh!

No, girl.

That's not ghetto fabulous.

That's just plain ghetto.

But I can't turn nobody in.

So don't isolate yourself when there's nobody.

direct from Philadelphia.

I can't believe you drove two hours for a heart attack with grilled onions and

peppers.

Why don't you just pump the grease right into your vein? Just right in there.

Did your mother just roll up in here?

You're just like a critical and judgmental telling me how to eat.

I'm not criticizing and judging you.

I'm just telling you you're overweight and you eat badly.

Hey, why don't you try a sheet of seaweed?

I'd rather lick my front lawn.

Oh, so why don't you go home and do that?

Oh, my bad, you can't, because you're hiding out for a mom so you can eat what

you want.

I hide from no one, unlike you. I'm a risk taker, an adventurer.

You wouldn't even know how to build a spice rack if I weren't here to hold

hand. I don't want a spice rack. Build me a house, Cheesesteak Charlie. How

about that?

Shut up and just hand me a screwdriver, pretty boy.

Okay, I'm not a pretty boy, all right?

Fine, yes.

Heart -stoppingly handsome.

Guilty.

But pretty boy, I think not.

Oh, you as pretty as they come.

With your manicured hands, your facials, and your soft toilet paper.

The most adventurous thing you've ever done is wear shiny pants.

Oh, an adventure to you is chugging down a pack of Viagra with great Kool -Aid.

I will have you know I have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, mister.

I have backpacked across the Mojave. And I have danced on the shores of Bora

Bora with a Polynesian woman with lips like pomegranates.

They write songs about men like me.

Who would possibly write a song about you? The chef's ass sizzler?

Don't you bad mouth Randy and Juan.

The first time I see a family resemblance.

Give me the mirror, give me the mirror.

You guys, I have an L .A. face.

And an Oakland booty.

Okay, you got the look, now show us the attitude.

Introduce yourself.

uh no today i'm gonna do it to you wow i

come here for lunch and get a peep show made me want to come back for dinner

don't stop what are you doing same thing i've been doing all week building that

spice rack and having a light lunch baby bags all the way from the bed the sauce

and the ribs work concomitantly just a little tip of that

Don't you see I'm trying to be more adventurous, and y 'all are busting my

groove. You think having a nooner with one woman is adventurous?

Now, a nighter with three women, that's adventurous. Dad, I can't have any

adventures because you're always crowding my space.

For once, I like to come home with my lunch.

And you're not here. I want you to leave.

Oh, well, that's the way you feel.

You don't have to worry about me coming here again.

I'll just go hang out and eat at my other son's house. Come on, Dwayne.

Daddy.

Richard, I know you're in there. I smell the barbecue.

Pardon, son?

Oh, Mr. Big Adventure Man is scared of the little woman.

Hold on, Ma. Come on in. See how far your husband has sunk.

Get rid of the evidence.

to be at the gym.

Lex, why didn't you stop him?

You might as well sharpen one of these bones and stab him to death.

It's not my fault, Ma. I didn't get him. I just came home for a... Can't even

say it. Can you, Mama's boy?

Yes, I can.

I'm an adult.

Mama, I came home for a nooner.

I am not a nooner. Hot lunch, maybe.

Nooner, never.

See, Eunice, I'm just trying to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. But every

time I start having some fun, somebody's jumping on my back, talking to me.

Don't fall for it, Ma. He's faking. This is how he gets out of paying for meals

when we go to Denny's. No, I don't think he's faking. I think he's having a

heart attack. Richard, what's wrong?

My left arm is numb.

And it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

He is having a heart attack.

I'll call 911. Dwayne, give me the phone, man.

Richard, hang on, baby. Hang on.

Okay, guys, the doctor beat him in the test results.

Dad, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to give you a heart attack.

Oh, son, you didn't give me a heart attack. You don't have that kind of

Baby, it's not your fault.

Your father's been eating badly. I've tried to warn him, but he won't listen

me. Oh, woman, you crazy.

I've been eating right. I had a serving of fruit every day.

The cherry on top of a sundae is not a serving of fruit.

But still, I let him hide out and I didn't stop him from eating all those

foods. I feel like a grease pimp.

Grandpa, are you okay?

After I got Daddy's page, I had my new best friend Alicia bring me down here as

soon as possible, which was kind of cool because I was an algebra and I hate it,

but I'm glad you're alive and thank you.

Your grandfather isn't going anywhere, sweetheart, unless his nagging wife

drives him away.

Well, I'm glad to hear that, Grandpa. I need you around for a long time to help

balance Daddy out.

Mr.

Barnes, you've been a bad boy.

Eunice, is this man on your payroll?

You just got the results of your cath lab report, and you suffered a mild

attack brought on by arteriosclerosis.

No,

no, no, no. He's not going to die yet, but he will soon if he doesn't start

cutting back on the soul food. Now, I know we all love it, but it can be a

silent killer. Are you listening, Dad?

A silent killer. That means you won't hear it coming.

Did you hear me?

I had a heart attack, not an ear attack.

Look, you'll be fine with medication and some rest.

Now, Flex, your father's condition may be genetic, so we need to get you

for some tests.

There's a chance this defect was passed on to you.

Me?

But I don't eat the way he eats. Well, the way your father eats can make it

worse, but it's not just about diet.

Genetically speaking, you could be in just as much danger as he is. Well, at

least you didn't get those skinny sideburns from me. You got them from

mama.

So I'll have your test results in a couple of days. Just try and take it

It's easy for you to say, healthy man.

How did I end up here?

Huh? I eat right. I exercise regularly.

But I'm sitting in the wheelchair next to you.

And what is this thing?

A bedpan. The first time you use it, it's a little humiliating. After that,

becomes your friend.

I don't want it to become my friend.

I'm not ready to die. I've never been to Bora Bora!

How are you today, Mr. Barnes?

Oh, much better since you came in, Nurse Fine.

Why don't you come over here and lean over so I can tell you a little secret?

That's fine.

No, most fun's bad for you, Mr. Happy.

I can't believe it, Dad.

I almost lost you.

And to think I was sick of you being in my space.

Now all I can do is think about how sick I would be if you were gone.

Today is not a good day to die, son.

I just don't feel like it.

But if I did, I'd have no regrets.

You don't have any regrets?

You see, Fleck, life is short. And when the good Lord dials your number, you

have no choice but to answer.

But I got called ID. What if I let that call go straight to voicemail?

Son, trust me, this is one call you don't want to miss because you never

who will be called next.

That's why I live each day.

As if it were my last.

No, you're right, Dad.

I've been playing it safe.

You know, I've been hiding behind work, Brianna, and the smooth chocolate

veneer.

You know what?

It's time to get rough and rugged. You know what I'm saying?

Take a ride on the wild side. You know what I'm saying?

I'm out.

You sure are.

Hey, Flex, got here as fast as I could. What's up?

Are you ready to die?

Are you ready to get stabbed in the alley by a midget?

Are you ready for Vanilla Ice to make a comeback and you buy all his CDs?

Now, Flex, now, I'm going to say something to you that you've been saying

for years, all right?

You're not making any damn sense.

Listen to me, man.

Listen, life is short.

Okay? And I'm going to live each day as if I'm going to die tomorrow.

So stick with me, my friend. We're going to live, live, live until he dies.

They basically say we aren't responsible for any injuries you may suffer in the

unlikely event anything goes wrong, yada, yada, yada.

Wait a second. Back up a couple yadas.

How unlikely are we talking?

Look, sometimes the chute doesn't open or it gets tangled in an updraft. Things

happen. I mean, we're at 15 ,000 feet in the air. You'd be surprised how high

the human body bounces when it impacts from this altitude.

All right, buddy, you're up for air.

Man, I can't do this. I got too much to live for. Today is not a good day to

die. Oh, man, finally you came to your senses, man.

Yo,

girl, look at getting all that white fur.

Why don't you save a dance for the master?

Oh, you heard me.

Arnaz, give it up. You are never going to be masturbated. Yeah, girl, I give

Madonna.

Hey.

a chance of being a four -year -old white woman than you do of being a

You heard me.

Not bad, Madonna.

But you need to be somebody who would like to, like Lil' Kim.

Somebody short, sassy, and with a bass.

I'm going for clump, Puerto Rican insides.

I'm more cliente with the gangsta lady.

Hey, Alicia, you just ran us by.

Hi kids, how we doing tonight?

Now the reason I had to stop you was because you the man

and you need to keep your foot on our neck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, you ran a stop sign back there, so I'll just need to see your

and registration.

Why?

Because you saw four hip -hoppers bouncing their heads to a jam?

That's it, young lady.

Let's go. Out of the car.

Come on.

What about my penis?

I'm afraid you're on your own on this one, my sister. You know.

Well, these good looks aren't the only thing you gave me.

Oh, no. You got my heart condition.

I have it. But the doctor says we'll monitor it.

You know, he says with a healthy diet and a regular exercise, I should live to

be 95.

But apparently my sex life shaves off five years of my life expectancy, but

in school.

Well, I think we're both going to be around a long time.

And I got some more good news.

Presenting your spice rack!

Why don't we have a pizza to celebrate?

What about your diet, Dad?

Oh, this isn't your average pizza.

Meatless, cheeseless, and thrustless.

In fact, it's just tofu flattened into the shape of a pizza.

I hate my life.

Well, uh, I'm just glad you're okay, Dad.

Now, all I have to do is keep taking my medicine and start listening to your

mother a little more.

I hate my life.

Flex Washington?

Yes, sir, that's me. I pulled these kids over for running a stop sign, and the,

uh... The

driver became belligerent.

Alicia, keys, please.

Look, what started as a simple makeover turned into a creature with PDD's

attitude and J -Lo's butt.

Mr. Washington, it's all my fault.

And I... on these clothes and I tried to be hip and cool.

You know, just like you see them on the video.

You can't believe everything you see on television.

Except, of course, if you're watching my show.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'll handle this, officer.

Thanks, Mr. Washington.

Flat out. Oh, flat out.

So, are we in trouble, Daddy?

No, sweetie. I think Alicia has learned her lesson. In fact...

How about I treat you guys to some tasty pizza with me and Grandpa, huh? Come

on!

That is a dirty punishment, son.

Hey, I learned from the best, Pop.

Love you too, Netta.