Original subtitles

Daddy, I'm pretty sure you don't put mayonnaise in something.

Well, how else is it going to stick together?

Ah, gobble, gobble, people. Happy Turkey Day.

Ah, some good smells in here.

And some disturbing ones, too.

Gwen, you change your mind about going to homecoming this weekend?

Man, heck no.

High school was the worst years of my life.

Why? You should want to go. I can't wait till I graduate and come back to high

school rich, famous, and beautiful.

Oh, so that's why you don't want to go.

Speak to her, Flex. She don't know. I'll fight a little girl.

Hey, hey.

Dee,

I think you should come to homecoming. High school wasn't that bad. Have you

forgotten?

Belinda Hopkins, senior year, homecoming dance.

How she lured me backstage, tricked me out of my clothes, and then opened the

curtains.

You can only blame yourself for wearing Spider -Man underwear.

Me and my spotty senses don't hear you.

I spit away and block you out.

Daddy, did you put mayonnaise in the yams? You know it does not go with

everything. I don't give a yam what you think.

You gonna eat them and like it, damn it.

And you know, you starting to sound just like your mother, always checking and

double checking on everything I do.

Well, obviously, you need someone to check after you.

Nicole! Hi, Mommy!

Tell me that's not my ex -wife here.

Okay, that's your baby's mama.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Spinning telegram, a brick through a window, something to let a brother know

come into town.

Listen, it's like it's been three months. The mother misses her child.

So anyway, there I was off the coast of Nova Scotia studying the mating call

with Killer Whales when I realized I had to see my little girl.

Killer Whales? How does it feel to work with family?

Well, I'm glad that she's here. I miss my mommy so much. Thank you, baby.

So what'd you bring me?

Got it.

years older.

But nothing but the best for my baby.

You know, Dwayne, I always get her a Thanksgiving gift.

So what did you get her, Fleck?

I gave her life. How about that?

Oh, and you also gave her your knobby knees.

And they're off.

Nicole's out to the early lead, but here comes Fleck.

So, uh, how long are you staying, Nicole?

Just through the weekend. Long enough to spend some time with Brianna and go to

our homecoming. And you can relax. You know, you look a little tense. I'm gonna

stay at the Ritz.

No, he should stay here with us, right, Daddy? Oh, no, no, sweetie. Your mama's

from the hood. Don't take the rich away from her.

But, Daddy, I want Mommy to stay with us. And please help Daddy with the

hooking, please. No, baby, baby, I just can't go and take over your father's

kitchen. That would not be polite.

That's right.

Now, all I have to do is add the hot sauce to my famous sweet potato pie.

It'll taste so good, it'll make you want to smack your mama.

Feel free, Brianna.

Get out of my way.

Who does she think she is?

Pushing me aside.

Baking my bird. Matching my potatoes. Making everything smell all good.

I don't care what anybody says. I'll eat my own pie.

Well, give me a slice of goat.

Teach my mama lesson for kicking me out on turkey day.

Just because she got a new man who doesn't like kids.

Dinner is...

It's beautiful.

Uh, Twain, would you and a turkey like a moment alone together?

Well, Flex, you haven't done anything in a while. How about you lead us in

prayer?

All right.

Dear Lord, thank you for the food which we're about to receive, especially my

pie.

Bless everyone here, even the pushy uninvited guests.

Also, bless the man who paid for that expensive diamond bracelet that wasn't

returned when her marriage ended. And dear Lord, thank you so much for the

market value she received when she pawned it.

You did what?

Amen.

Oh, Mommy, this turkey is salami.

Mm -hmm. And this dressing is as moist as a night in Venezuela.

Yeah, well, this is Josh Phoenix to me.

Well, it's a shame the meal you were preparing couldn't rise from the ashes.

It's a shame you could.

Brianna, don't scatter your carrots around the plate. I know you're not

them. Good looking out, Flex.

You know, she always used to hide her veggies. When she was six, I would find

peas in her ears.

But I hate carrots. I'd rather do my algebra.

By the way, have you done it? But I haven't till Sunday. Oh, no, you have

Saturday because I have to go over it.

It's not.

Brianna, your father's right. Do what he says.

May I just point out that you two agreed on something?

It's not Thanksgiving. It's Christmas up in here.

Well, I'm really looking forward to homecoming weekend.

I think it'll be good to see all of our old friends.

We'll take a lot of photos because I ain't going.

Dwayne, nobody remembers what happened to you at some little dance in 1985.

Yeah, that's fine.

Spidey! Spidey!

Ready to go see Thanksgiving Day Massacre?

You're supposed to spend the night at my house, right? Oh, I can't. I didn't

know my mom was coming.

Oh, no, baby. Go ahead. Have fun.

I'll be here for a few days.

So you must be the infamous Arne.

Wait, you're talking about me to your mom?

So you do dig me.

Now I see what you were talking about. You must be spirit.

You know, your parents have given you a very soulful name.

Actually, it's Close Hill.

So you can see why I went to the other side.

Okay, Mom and Dad, I'll see y 'all tomorrow.

All right, sweetie, but call before you go to bed.

And wait, here, here, here.

Some homemade pie for all of you.

But, Daddy, these are my friends.

Your Uncle Blaine loved his.

Actually, you said it too close to the edge, and it kind of fell.

And I think it's eating a hole in the carpet.

30 minutes? What do you mean you don't have no cab?

Forget the cab, girl. If you really need to get to the hotel, I got a broom you

can hop on.

I'm just kidding, girl. I'll take you.

Oh, you will?

Yeah. Oh, thanks, love. I can't wait to get out of these clothes. No need. The

ride was free, baby.

You know, Nikki, I appreciate you taking over dinner. It made for a really nice

Thanksgiving. Affleck, when I saw you putting hot sauce in a sweet potato pie,

figured what next?

Mayonnaise in a stuffing?

Yeah, that's crazy talk.

You know, Affleck, you're not much of a cook, but you're turning out to be a

really great father.

Thanks. And you know I love having her with me.

I know.

Who'd have thought you and I would make something so good?

Not my mother.

But you're not the girl she met when we were in high school.

The one with the big bamboo earrings, at least two pairs.

That's all right. That's all right. I was around the way, girl. I did my

Watch me now.

You know what, Flex? We've come a long way.

Yeah. We have.

Better jobs.

Better personal lives.

Yeah.

Better parents.

But wait, Flex.

I guess we've gotten better at everything, huh?

Are you sure?

Maybe we need to try again, make sure it wasn't a fluke.

Well, you know what they say.

Third time's the charm.

It's 9 a .m. What?

Brianna will be home any minute.

We don't want her to catch us like this. You're right, you're right. We'll have

a hard time explaining this one.

Uh -oh.

Flex.

I can't find my undies.

Oh, well, that explains why these are so tight.

Give me my undies. Come and get them. Yes, yes.

It was so scary. I've never seen so many people get killed by one wishbone.

Watch your TV.

Yeah, yeah.

And your mother had an itch in her back, and I was trying to scratch it. Where's

that? Right down there at the bottom. Thank you so much.

Guys, I know what's going on. I watch Sex and the City. You two are fooling

around.

Wait a second now. We're not fooling around.

Look, I care for your mother a lot.

We have a lot of history together.

Yeah. Well, yeah, he's right. We have you.

So this must mean you're getting back together.

This is so cool. I want to do this as long as I can remember.

You two don't have any clothes on, do you?

Well,

you know what? All I was hoping for was a great Thanksgiving.

I guess Mom coming to town wasn't the only surprise.

If you have to ask, I must not have been doing it right.

Why are we here?

We've been divorced for 12 years.

I don't know.

I just looked at you.

Something clicked.

Maybe it was the way you stuffed the turkey.

I'm serious.

Our little girl thinks we're getting back together.

Is that so crazy?

Yes. I mean, you know, I... I've got my research in Nova Scotia, and, you know,

you and Brianna, you guys are building a beautiful life here in Baltimore.

Maybe we shouldn't mess that up.

Look, let's just get through the weekend, you know?

I really want us to try to make this work, Mickey.

It feels right.

Should we go for it?

I'm already gone.

Exciting gaming. You know what? You two are the best cheerleaders out there.

That's my baby. That's our baby.

Oh,

Daddy, can I have some money for snacks?

Oh, baby, you don't need any money.

I bought pie.

Go, go, go.

Uh, afternoon, alumni, alumnate.

Man, who you trying to be, Dee Diddy?

My business card.

Dwayne Knox, freelance astronaut.

See, success is the best revenge. And since I'm just a used car salesman, I'm

pretending to be a successful spaceman so as to get my revenge with Belinda.

Uh, Belinda. What's up?

Belinda, how are you doing, baby?

Do you remember me? Of course I do, Dwan.

Dwan, not astronaut.

Why don't we go take a ride in my limo?

I'll tell you about my seven nights on Saturn.

Did you just see that?

No, no.

Yes, you did. Don't lie.

Look, it's no big deal. She's just being friendly.

See, that was always your problem, Flex. You too damn friendly.

Oh, hold up now.

You always seeing things that aren't there. Poof, there it is. Poof, there's

something else. I do not. Excuse me, Grady. Can you mind your business?

We're not fighting, baby.

No, we're just talking with a lot of emotion, baby. That's all.

Then why is Daddy's angry vein popping out of his head?

That's my love bump.

It pulsates whenever I'm around your mother.

All right, be still, BB.

Black, come on. We're going to be late.

You're always late, and you know I hate being late.

You know, you've always... has been impatient.

Nicole, you should just take a moment, breathe, and relax.

Okay, let's go.

Where are my keys?

I left them right here on the coffee table.

Oh, well, I put them in the kitchen drawer. You know I hate clutter.

And you know I hate when you move my stuff all around.

Look, you know what? Don't stop before we go out. Hey, hey, okay.

Here are the keys.

That's a sound. Let's go.

Look, Nicole, I have a system, okay?

A place for everything and everything in its place. Right. On the floor, on top

of... You know, Nicole, I've just... Okay, hey, hey, hey!

Let's go party.

I

can't

believe you two are still together.

Star basketball player, class valedictorian.

You two were such leaders.

And look at you, still achieving.

Thank you.

Well, I have a Ph .D.

I make more money than she does.

In that case, a donation to our building fund is always appreciated.

Oh, sheesh, of course.

Honey, donate.

Well, I guess I could write a check for a hundred. Oh, no, no, no, absolutely

not. Make it five.

We're not cheap people.

We're not cheap people.

Oh, it's easy to be generous when it's not your money.

Oh.

Okay,

you know what? This is so embarrassing.

I always thought my parents getting back together would be the best thing ever,

but look at them. They always fight.

Parents always fight.

In my house, it starts every Friday when my mama wonders what happened to my

daddy's check.

My parents never argue.

In fact, they never talk.

There's a cool, eerie silence in my house.

It's kind of cool.

I've seen them fight about everything.

I mean, yesterday, it was, should the toilet paper go up and over or down and

under? Who cares? It all gets flushed.

So I said to him, Billy Boy, instead of micro -hard, why not call it micro

-soft? Oh, Dwayne, why didn't I realize how fabulous you were in high school?

It's the fur, baby.

Go on, pet me.

I'll be your real -life chia pet.

Ooh. Watch me grow.

You and your family, you always thought you were better than me and my family.

How do I put this nicely?

We were.

You see what I mean? Uppity. Just stank and uppity.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm sure you missed the days when you drank Kool -Aid out of the jelly

jar.

Excuse me. Those were passed down from my grandmother.

Ladies...

like to take a moment to thank the most generous contributors to our building

fund, Flex and Nicole Barnes. Can you believe they're still together?

Oh, Mom and Dad, please stop. You are giving me a headache. I'm going to bed.

Why'd you have to go and upset her?

Me?

Sounds like you're boiling eggs up there.

And you're always kicking at me, too. No, no, no. I'm just honest with you

your fault. You know what? You're not as perfect as you think you are, Fleck.

You know what, Nicole?

Who are we kidding, huh?

This is not working out.

You know, that's the first thing we agreed on all night.

Look, there's no right or wrong here.

We're just not getting along.

And unfortunately, that's why we got a divorce.

You're right.

You're right. Now I remember.

So how are we going to break this to Brianna?

Like two mature adults.

She's going to break her heart.

Yippee! Yes, I love you guys. You made me so happy.

Wait, you're not upset?

No, I'm relieved.

You guys torture each other. And if you stay together, sooner or later the hate

will trickle down to me. And I don't want to be trickled on.

Oh, I love you guys.

My parents have came to their senses.

The world is right again.

What's wrong with your child?

Nothing. I have her. It's cool.

Well, I guess I better get to the hotel.

Good idea.

Nicole, we were good together once.

Yeah.

We were.

Take your clothes off.

Nice underwear, Dwayne.

Yes, they are.

But this time, they're cowboys.

Love you too, Netta.