Original subtitles

Come in, come in, sweetie.

Good evening, my Nubian princess.

Chez Flex is now open.

Wow, I thought we were going out for dinner.

What? Before the appetizers arrive, we'll be so worked up, we'll come back

and use each other as flesh -colored China.

Well, I got two cups and a salsa for you, baby.

Who's your mama? Who's your mama?

Dad, what's up with all these rose petals?

Y 'all filming African -American beauty up in here?

Brianna, I thought you were spending the night at Spirit's house.

Did you come back to pick something up and then leave?

No, the cable in my house went out right in the middle of my favorite show.

When house pets attack.

It is a trip how many birds eat old ladies. Just saying.

Oh, compound, you thought he was only going to order her a pizza.

Flat, this keeps happening. We need to talk.

Tanya, you know I got a kid.

Yes, I understand. You come with accessories.

to something but we've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks 14

weeks and six days oh oh so i see it's our 15th week anniversary what's that

bubble wrap look i need to know if we're taking our relationship to the next

level oh i see uh see i was gonna save this till the next anniversary

uh but i i'll give it to you now okay okay all right uh

Okay. Okay.

I'm giving you... Oh, my God.

...your very own drawer in my armoire.

You're giving me a drawer?

On the top shelf.

When I can't try to know her name.

So don't isolate yourself when there's nobody.

This. That night he's going to spend more time on the floor than in the

Oh. Oh.

Deja vu. Here we go again.

Ah, man, it is just a movie. If you're going to cry over something, cry over

something meaningful, like poverty or world hunger, the fact that the Wayans

brothers keep making movies.

But watching Josie and the Pussycats made me realize how my musical career is

going nowhere.

It took that movie to make you realize that, Cisco?

Son, I've heard you guys.

You've got raw talent.

You think so?

Mm -hmm. Sure do.

But you need a manager. Yeah.

A Sherpa to guide you down the treacherous trail to stardom. A

to help you navigate the rapids of the music industry.

I will be your Sherpa.

And captain.

At a cost not to exceed 10 % of your income.

Chico's Barbecue and Massage Parlor. After you grub, you get a little rub.

Get it?

All right, Dwayne. 10 % count me in. All right.

I said 25%, but we're going to work on your listening skills as well.

You know what? I need to go, too. I got to buy some mustache bleach.

Ooh, girl, I was going to say something, but you know.

It's for my mama.

And you might want to take a look at that chin, Billy Goats Gruff.

Oh, okay.

Cool, cool. Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a few days.

He is doing a local celebrity version of MTV Cribs, and they want me in it. They

want me in it.

I knew I hooked up with the winner.

I'm going to be on MTV in about time. Beyonce got some competition.

You know what?

This could help me go national.

ESPN, here I come.

You're going national with your place looking like this?

What's wrong with my crib?

Baby, the show is called MTV Cribs, not Little House on the Scary.

I mean, this is cool for a little home video, you know, but you need a little

flair to accentuate the glamour.

Well, she's right, Dad. The Cribs on MTV are the bomb.

I mean, like, in Master P House, he got elevators. Can we at least get an

escalator in this joint?

help you decorate if you want.

All I need is a key, and then I can help this place look hip and fabulous while

you're at work.

But you need a key for it, Brad. I can let you in.

Flex, I need access. I mean, I need to match swatches. I need to measure, not

mention the bric -a -brac. You know, this is a big job.

you kids ready to make musical history oh yeah man are

you talking to me look i'm not your man i'm not your dude i'm not your homie

i'm your manager all right so fellas take out your credit cards because right

here time to start paying your dues

Ziner. Sarnes spelled backwards.

Why don't you call it diput? That stupid spelled backwards.

Cheryl, here's what I say. If they don't like him the way God gave him to you,

tell them to date a cow.

Oh, you're so funny.

No, you're the funny one.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

What is going on in here?

I've seen this before, Flex, in a little movie called Reefer Madness.

All right, ladies, the jig is up. Where's the Mary Jane? Where's the

Where's the splits? Where they at?

Daddy, we're just putting the final touches on your room, right, T -Boogie?

That's right, B -Double.

See, when me and Tanya were working, we came up with nicknames for each other.

I'm B -Double because my name is Breonna Barnes. And I'm T -Boogie because...

Don't you sound so cool.

Yes, you know.

Why don't you call me D -Lover because D 'Angelo's taken. You know.

I'll go heat up the curlers and meet you in your room. OK, see you in five, T

-Boogie.

OK, OK.

She's gone now. Now you can give it to her with both barrels.

Where do you want to start? Her breath or her feet?

Look, I know Tanya and I have had our differences, but I think she's pretty

cool. Oh, come on.

You don't want to crack on her at all?

Didn't you see her pedicure? It looked like little mice was biting on her toes

all night.

Hey, Daddy, I think it's really immature to talk about people behind their back.

And you're one to talk as your feet look like you've been playing kick the can

with a car battery.

What's going on, D? Man, it is plain as day, dog.

T -Boogie is setting a trap for you. Oh, no, no. See, I can spot a trap from 200

yards away. I have dodged two engagements, four fatal attractions, and

green card requests.

See, that's where you messed up. Now, you should have married those triplets

from Compton. Ooh, they was fine.

the first order of business, the new name of the band is The Dust Mites.

Uh, Dwayne? Ooh!

I did not tell you to address me as the Colonel.

Okay.

Colonel.

Um, I'm not sure this whole managing thing is working out. I don't think

connecting.

Really?

Y 'all feel that way?

All right, cool, I guess... I guess I'll just take my whole plan to get you guys

on MTV and find another boys' band.

Later to y 'all. Whoa, wait a minute.

You're going to get us on MTV?

I don't know.

Are we connecting?

Yeah. Then get up on that stage. Come on now.

Okay,

fellas. Now, the Colonel has written a whole new song for you. I think you're

going to like it. It's about something that we all love.

Take it from the top now.

All right.

Hit it.

My feelings are real.

My feelings are true.

There's only one word that can describe you.

You and me, we should give it a try.

You are so sweet. You remind me. Make me smell the pie. Make me smell the pie.

Blueberry.

It's my favorite dessert.

What happened? I always eat pie.

Just be together and live in a tall house.

I'll be your man and you'll be my spouse.

Strawberry, coconut, and apple.

Wash it down with a Coke or a Snapple. Rhubarb, banana, or Boston cream.

Give me a slice and you can be my queen.

or break boards with my head.

I knew you'd love it.

Well, everybody Wang Chung tonight. I love it.

And no hip crib is complete without some tasteful arts.

Voila!

Yeah,

it takes my breath away, too.

Of course, I am biased.

I was going to call her something else.

seem to follow me wherever I go.

Sort of like a prison guard.

So, like, are you feeling it?

Like a matric to the head.

But in a good way.

Oh, and Daddy, Taya did my whole room in feng shui.

Feng shui? Girl, what'd I tell you about cussing?

Oh, Daddy.

Such a man.

Well,

I don't know whether you should build pyramids or pick cotton.

Because you's whipped.

Daddy, what are you doing?

Just making a few adjustments. I thought that some of Tanya's stuff might look

better in here.

But I thought you liked the changes that Tanya and I made.

I do. But if I'm going to be on Cribs, then my crib has to look like my crib.

You know?

Manly.

This not manly.

But Tanya's always very upset.

She'll get over it. And by the way, I moved the Cribs interview from Friday to

tomorrow.

Oh, does Tanya know?

Now, sweetie, would I do a thing like that and not tell Tanya? Yeah.

Well, you sure know your daddy.

But, Daddy, this is wrong.

Tanya does all these things because she cares about you.

Come here. Come.

You ever watch Animal Planet?

And you ever see how the animals mark their territory?

The way a dog does in a fire hydrant. Well, this house is my fire hydrant and

I'm the big dog. All right!

Destiny's child. You are my child. So Beyonce, you'll butt back in there and

change.

It's too late.

Look, it's MTV Cribs.

And you must be Jennifer.

Or is it Jenny? You look like a Jenny.

It's Jennifer.

Okay, here's the drill.

You walk around and show us the place. We film it and go home. No do -overs.

Action.

collection. Come on.

I have every hat in the NBA.

Go, Nick!

I snatched this one right off of Spike Lee's head.

You can smell the anger.

Do the right thing!

And look at my outfit!

And my bootylicious!

Brianna, daddy's moment.

Come on, follow me.

Here is the trophy gallery for many, many years of playing sports. You know,

Professional and amateur round ball.

Hot dog eating contest.

First prize.

Uh, Daddy, why don't you go show them your very manly room while I get there?

Why don't you boss me around and tell me what to do?

This bedroom's right this way.

Hurry up, get in the bed. Okay, people, go, go, go.

Come on, fellas, we have one shot at this, so let's not blow it.

All right, they're coming back.

Now remember...

here, man.

Hit it.

My feelings are real.

My feelings are true.

There's only one word that describes you.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're ruining my lyric.

Hey, when Eldell Knox lyrics it for the Dust Mites, you can find me at

mymamasbasement .com. Pictures of the band.

And this is Flex.

And this is for that Booyah guy, ESPN. What the hell is going on in here?

Oh, Tanya, what a pleasant surprise.

Why don't you take that lamp in the back? Go ahead, my maid. Um,

and who are you?

Jennifer Chung from MTV Cribs. And you are pissed.

I thought you guys were coming next week.

Let's change the date.

It was more convenient to my schedule.

And you didn't tell me?

Because it wasn't convenient to my schedule.

Oh, okay. I see what's going on up in here.

You're taking my pictures down. You're lying on national TV. You're not ready

show the world that you're committed to me, are you?

Excuse us.

I'm having a brainstorm.

Follow me.

Having a picnic out by the lake.

Colonel,

you're fired.

Let's go.

Fellas, come on.

the percentage, I'll go back down to 20. Huh?

Okay, so is that it?

Are we through?

Look, Tanya, this commitment thing is a big step for me.

You see, you put too much pressure on an egg and it breaks.

Yes, Flex, but you told me you wanted to be in a committed relationship.

I thought you wanted to be with me.

I did.

I mean, I do. And everything has been great. I even gave you a drawer and a

But were you happy with that? No, you had to go build a shrine to yourself.

hail the Queen Tanya.

That's what people do when they're committed relationships.

They hang pictures.

Tanya, it's like you're going from monogamy to matrimony overnight.

It's like we're riding in the express lane of relationships, and I want to

over to the right with the rest of the slow traffic.

You know what, Flex? I can't keep waiting around for you. I am 30

and I'm ready to settle down.

Look, right now, Brianna is my priority.

She's got to get a math tutor, braces.

And she needs a lot of my time.

She comes first, Tanya.

Flex, what makes you think that Brianna wouldn't be a priority in my life?

Oh.

Okay, I get it. This is about you.

This has nothing to do with Brianna.

You're just not ready.

Okay.

Maybe it is me.

Maybe... Maybe I'm not ready.

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.

We can make love and forget we ever had this talk.

It's over, Flex.

What are you doing, Tanya?

I mean, why can't you just be patient? Why does everything have to happen right

now?

Take care, Flex.

Tanya.

Tanya!

Tanya?

She'll be back.

I love you, Daddy. Love you, too, Netta.