Original subtitles

Oh, my daughter's making a hot breakfast, and I don't see any pigs

must be out of clean bowls for cereal.

No, there are 15 bowls and 15 spoons, and I'm serving you your pancakes on a

-inch plate.

Oh, that's right.

Somebody's 15th birthday is coming up.

Uncle Roscoe's dog.

Remind me to send old Fatback a big old meaty bone.

Daddy, on Saturday, Fatback...

be a dog, but I will be a woman.

I know it's your birthday. I was there when you were born, all right? I was

unconscious most of the time, but I was there.

Hey, hey, my people.

Tell me, which one of these suits makes me look more like a male model?

The one that comes with the new face and a huge bank account.

What's up, Dwayne? Got a court date?

Yeah, I'm suing to have you sent back to Atlanta.

Now, After five long years of heartfelt correspondence, I am finally meeting the

love of my life, Darla.

Is that the woman you met on prisonpal .com?

I thought you said she was still serving time for assault.

It is not her fault that the security guard that she tied up just happened to

have a heart problem.

The fact is that she's being paroled, and she's spending her first weekend

me at my place.

Oh, that's a good idea.

After spending at your place, a halfway house won't seem so bad.

You can feel all by yourself But I have a partner But I can't trust no one else

So don't isolate yourself When there's nobody

I was born on Cinco de Mayo.

Thought I was Mexican till I was ten.

Well, Brie, you haven't seen anything compared to the birthday I'm planning

you this year. Ooh, can you give me a hint?

Let's just say it begins with fan and ends with tastic.

All right.

Ooh, it's a birthday envelope for Mom.

Oh, what do you know? Next day delivery from hell.

Men don't do up birthdays well.

Women do.

We're nurturers.

You all are takers.

Like your father, who's off on a fishing trip with his old war buddies, talking

about how his cell phone doesn't get a signal on the lake. You know, I've

been... Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama.

My crisis?

Oh, sorry, baby. I just missed your dad.

But he does give me this weekend to spend with you and Brianna. Oh, I'm glad

have you here, Mom.

And you can help me make Brianna's birthday special.

So what do you want to do, son? I want to put that mother she holds dear to

shame.

I wonder if there's a big Zane, a Mama Zane, or a Snoop Doggy Zane.

Hello? Hey, hey, SeaWorld. Yeah. How much would it cost for Shamu to give my

daughter a birthday ride?

Hello?

So, Flex.

What do you think?

The suit is cool, but what's up with your hat?

What's up with your hat? Shut up.

And I appreciate if you kept the sarcasm to a minimum when Darla gets here. Why,

what's she going to do, shank me?

And why is she coming here anyway?

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of nervous about meeting her. So I need you

me, man.

What if she rejects me?

And how is this different from every woman you've ever known?

Flex, I poured my heart and my soul into those letters. And she poured right

back. She knows my innermost secrets, and she still wants to meet me.

She could be my soulmate. You mean cellmate.

Shut up.

Dwayne? Do I have the look of desperation on my face?

So you must be Dwayne.

Darla?

Could I be staring into the eyes of my true love?

You're even better looking than your hair right.

You want to go down to the beach and take a stroll in the moonlight?

Yeah.

Oh, and then we can get our names tattooed on each other's butts.

First and last.

Okay, but we'll have to fit her on my right cheek. I don't want to cry out

Mama's name.

Hey,

you look familiar.

seeing my picture up at the post office.

Hello, Mr. Washington.

I can't believe you actually called me.

I guess I'm going to be your son -in -law someday. You want to borrow me?

No, I just wanted to pick your brain.

Now,

look, you hang out with Brianna a lot, right?

Is there anything special I can surprise her with for her birthday?

I don't know. Lil' Zane's hard to top.

Unless you have a private party with Lil' Zane.

A party with Lil' Zane?

That's a good idea, Arnaz.

Why don't I just hop on my magic carpet and go hand an invitation to him

personally?

I can get you Lil' Zane. How?

I'll ask my mama.

What is your mama going to do?

She's a backup singer for Mary J. Blige and Luther Vandross and some bigger

names. Too many to remember.

And she can hook me up.

Oh, yeah. She got Chaka Khan to sing my 13th birthday party. Really? Yeah.

Auntie Chaka was real cool.

She sang, I feel for you, and gave you a nice birthday spank.

Yeah. That was the day I became a man.

Wow. So your moms can definitely hook this up with Lil' Zane. No doubt.

But if I do this, I'm going to need a favor from you. I'm not pimping my

daughter. I would never be stupid enough to ask you to, sir.

But when that magical day does come, and I ask for your daughter's hand in

marriage, Just ask that you give us your blessing.

Arnaz, if that day ever comes, I'll give you my blessing.

And then the locusts will devour the earth.

Lekwesi?

Oh, I can't believe my baby's all grown up and wearing man panties.

Okay, Grandma, what do you think about these for the Luzerne concert?

Colorful.

Not too sexy.

Oh, dang, I gotta go change.

No. No, that's the good thing.

You think the girls who show their bosom are gonna get more attention than you

at the concert?

Yes.

You're also gonna get a baby at 16, and if you make me a great -grandmother at

the tender age of 41, I'm gonna have to hurt you.

41? Hush, child.

We just want to look good for little Zane. We got front row seats. And he

pick us out of the crowd to come up and dance. And from there, the road to video

girl is already paved.

You keep aiming high, baby.

And as soon as we get that pimple off of Bree's face, everything will be

perfect.

After this thing, the tattoo wore off. Let's show them.

We have these made.

That's so junior high -ish.

Your daughter's been in and out of the joint since she was 13.

I went through puberty and solitaire.

By the way, where can I cut loose?

Third door on the left.

I miss you.

Prison talk.

Ain't she tender?

I love your jailhouse love. I got to get this party together for Brianna.

Lil' Zane's coming.

Oh, you got Lil' Zane?

I'm working on it. I'm working on it. I got a contact that assures me they can

get Lil' Zane. Besides, when have you ever known me not to get what I want?

That's what I'm saying.

My birthday's in March, and I want Prince.

All right, the purple one himself.

Okay, why not put this blemish cream on my face? Is it working? Because I don't

feel like it's doing nothing but burning.

Kurt, it is not that bad.

But I sure am glad I don't have one.

Girl, now, pillows are good for you. They give your face a lot of character.

You're gonna have a lot of character.

Danny, what do you think?

Sweetie, you're 15.

It's normal for you to have this. Ooh, that one is pulsing up and down like

Busta Rhymes.

I'm never listening to Grandma again. I hope y 'all know she's not 41.

Uh, Dwayne, where's your girlfriend?

She better not be cutting loose in my sink.

Hey, Mr. Washington.

I was looking for Brianna.

Nope. Oh, nice. My man, my dog.

Hey, what you running off to, man?

Come on in. Sit down. Get comfortable, man. Lift your feet up.

So, can I get you something to drink?

I'll take a fresca.

Smart man. Nothing beats the smooth citrus taste of a fresca.

So, speaking of Lil' Zane, your mama gonna hook me up?

Funny thing.

Lil' Zane said no.

What do you mean he said no?

Actually, he didn't say no as much as my mom never talked to him.

Boy, she couldn't reach him?

No. She doesn't know him.

What are you talking about?

Flex, the other day you were so desperate. I just wanted to help you,

Brianna, and in turn help myself.

What can I say, man? I'm a fool for love.

I can't believe you lied to me. Get out of my house. Get out.

You know, technically this is your fault. If I have such a fine daughter,

better get out of here before I tell anyone.

I can get a magic marker and draw three more zits on the other side, and it'll

look like you got freckles.

Hey, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed some of your fancy soaps. Soaps like

these will cost me my shoes and my self -respect in a joke.

Rihanna, you must be so excited. Now, darling, I can't wait to come to the

and meet Lil' Zane.

Lil' Zane?

Lil' Zane gonna be up in here?

Yeah, Lil' Zane's gonna be here at your party.

I just found out I can't get Lil Xan.

Now Brianna's really gonna be disappointed.

Oh, yeah, she sure will, but does that mean you can't get Prince for me?

Ooh,

okay, two minutes till Lil Xan.

Bitchin'. Nope, clear as a bell. Your grandma's blemish cream really works.

Arnez, maybe her grandma knows of a deodorant that actually works for you.

Maybe she can recommend something for those sideburns of yours, Elvis.

It's baby hair.

Like a little baby wolf.

Man,

I haven't been backstage since I was a groupie for Grace Jones.

Grace Jones?

Flex, it's something about bald -headed women. It's a whole different bald man.

Okay, look, those people have not returned my phone call, so we're going

to do this the old -fashioned way.

crash the party oh that's the little man himself yo little thing hey can i

holler at you for a minute i just went hey yo man i'm a little busy right now

all right that's not love what am i supposed to do now huh brianna's

me dancers on stage now city of baltimore get out your seat let's give

Welcome to Lil' Zayn's world.

How y 'all feeling tonight?

Oh, we're going to do it like this.

All of you fans out there, I want y 'all to put your hands in the air like this.

And if y 'all know the words, I want y 'all to scream it loud.

Worldwide. Check. I'm living like a special entity.

I'm making it way bigger than a mother catching another thief. I'm getting paid

like a post -it. Y 'all want me to talk to y 'all, I'm over one in hand. You're

still close, too. I'm in position with the post -it. I write raps, make

like that.

I like that. I never was a rich man. What is your dad doing up there?

Girl, what do you think?

He's obviously got no daddy come to my party and then invited him to dance with

him. Girl, what they obviously homie.

Hey, hit the theme with the Sinead. You trying to do your thing tonight.

We throw chips like it's bingo night. Anything you like. Yo,

man, I'm paying to talk. I'm paying to dance. I'm dancing.

Speaking of dancing.

My daughter's having a birthday party, and there's going to be lots of it. So

you think you're going to blow through?

You're that birthday stalker, aren't you?

Yo, security, somebody get this fool off stage trying to steal my son.

Hey, man, let's watch him. Let's watch him.

We're sorry about that, man. Some loser stalker trying to get me to go to his

daughter's birthday party.

Yo, check this out. We're going to do it like this. That'll stop nothing.

DJ, run it back one time. Come on, y 'all.

Hi,

sweetie. How was the concert?

I couldn't see it. My eyes were burning with the tears of humiliation.

This has something to do with your father, doesn't it?

My eyes burned like that for 18 years.

Just let me explain.

I was just trying to get little Zane to come to your birthday party.

Then why did you tell me he was coming if he wasn't coming in the first place?

Well, that's a long story.

Look, I was just trying to do something wonderful for you like your mother did

in all those pictures I saw.

But I'm not in.

Daddy,

mom does good birthdays.

You don't crown me like Mom does. You give me my space.

Oh, and if anybody can whip up a dinner out of old Halloween candy issues.

So, you're okay about not having Lil Xan at your party?

Come on, Daddy.

I mean, having Lil Xan at my birthday party would have been off the hook.

But thanks for trying.

You did the best you could.

You all right?

Hug.

Oh, daddy, this party is off

the easy.

Well, if I was in church, I would say hallelujah.

Well, then I guess you don't need this to push it over the top.

Tiffany's, I don't care what it is because I know it's expensive.

Thank you, baby.

Your mama didn't buy you one like that, did she? No. Oh, good, good.

Bye.

Here's one for the photo album.

All right, baby, look, go on, enjoy the party, go with your friends, have fun.

Bye.

Bet you never dance like this in prison, huh?

Actually, if you want to get an extra blood and blood, sometimes you have to.

Better dance with it, girl.

I have something for you.

Now, before you open it, something I want to say.

I'm just going to put it out there.

No jokes, no coin lines.

It's on your mind.

Actually, it's not so much what's on my mind.

It's what's in.

harassing my people, stepping all over my dancers.

I figured any father that would stress me like this must really love his

daughter.

What's up, man? Thanks for showing up, Lil' Zane.

Hey, man.

Anything you ever need in the sports world, I got access to everything.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Can you give me Super Bowl tickets?

I work on it.

Thank you, daddy. It's the best birthday I ever had.

Aw, that was nothing, baby. But, uh, tell your mama, Lil' Zane's gonna be

to top. Heard that.

I'm saying if it's cool, I was going to do a little song. It's time for the

birthday girl.

Oh, that's me, that's me. Let's start the music up.

It takes two to make a thing go right. If I'm correct, then you single right.

But you trying to do your thing tonight.

I throw chips like it's bingo night. Anything you like. One night with me is

bound to change your life. Got the whole club blocked off.

Pistachio popped off.

Baby, ho, this is the scenery, we're not bald.

Look, mommy intent, dancing so close, looking like Siamese twins.

Shorty, stay focused, keep your mind on me. Like you're rent, baby, you're

behind on me.

Sir, we have reason to believe you're harboring a fugitive.

What? Son, just go quietly. You've brought enough shame to this family.

There she is.

All right, Darla.

Let's go.

Oh, wait, man.

Unhand her, man.

This is police brutality.

I want your badge number.

You'll be writing parking tickets for the rest of your life. Out of the car!

Out of the car!

Out of the car!

I have a confession to make.

I didn't actually get paroled.

I busted out.

I just had to see you.

You broke out of the big house just to be with me?

And I'd do it again.

All right, let's go.

Will you wait for me?

For 20 years? Oh, boom.

20 years is a long time. I mean, I'm still young and virile.

was filled with temptresses.

He'll be here.

Let's go.

Love you too, Netta.