Original subtitles

All right.

What's it? Oh, my God.

Is that for Nick?

Yeah, it's for Nick. Hi, Nick.

Thank you.

Here we go.

You like when he farts. Oh, I love when Nick farts. What?

Yeah.

Swoots it.

Swoots it. Swoots it. I want you inside me.

I want to have a three -way with him, which my boyfriend, he said he wants.

baby, baby. So he farts a lot.

What's up, guys? How you doing?

Hell yeah!

Good to see you all again.

Good to be back in Austin, fucking Texas.

Hell yeah!

Hell yeah, guy.

Thanks for braving the weather to get here. I know it's pretty misty out.

We're lucky we have, like, good weather, you know? Like, I live in Southern

California, and it's, like, the weather's great.

But I'm from Minnesota where the weather's horrible.

And, like, I have friends all over the country, and, like, when you talk to

people that are from, like, horrible weather, and they just go through, like,

nightmare scenarios.

And, like, when you live, like, around here in the South, it's, like, not that

bad. Like, I'll talk to my friend.

My friends would be like, yeah, I just had a blizzard.

I'm like, no way.

And they'd try to pretend like my weather's bad. I'd be like, yeah, we

a breeze.

It was bad, man. I don't wish that breeze upon anyone.

We had a hurricane. We had a mist.

My hair is still messed up.

It's terrifying.

Yeah, winter's just horrible.

I hate people that like...

I have friends who are like, I don't know, I kind of like the cold.

I'm like, cool, I didn't know you were fucking retarded.

Who likes the cold?

You like being cold. You like that, being cold?

This is fun.

That's so great.

No, I love it.

Cold is horrible.

I'm from Minnesota, like I said, where it would get negative 40 degrees.

Negative 40.

That's not an exaggerated number.

They would come on the news and they'd be like, Yes, if you're over the ages of

80, don't go outside.

You'll die.

And it always made me laugh. Imagine being so old that you can't go outside.

You're too old to go outside. You're too old to go outside.

You can't even get your mail.

You can't be like, I'm going to go get the mail.

It's a lot of mail.

Three months.

Yeah, like Austin, it's a good drinking town.

It's a good drinking town, and I'm a good drinker.

By the way, you guys, don't drink and drive.

Be responsible.

No response for that? That's awesome.

That's great.

The whole crowd's like...

disappear in my home.

I need a transport.

God.

Be careful.

Yeah, I don't drink and drive. That's one thing I don't do. I mean, I hate

the sober cab. It's the worst. I rarely do it.

But the worst is being the sober cab and everyone in your car is shit -faced and

you have to go through a fast food drive -thru.

And get everybody food.

The worst.

Because you're in control. You're at the speaker.

You're sitting there.

You've got to navigate all these idiots in your car.

You're like, Mark, what do you want?

Ah!

Cat? I don't even, what is that?

Was that Vietnamese? What did you just say? I don't even know what that is.

Pick a meal number. What meal number do you want?

94?

They don't have a 94. They don't go that high.

They've never gone that high. There's never going to be a meal number 94.

Steve, what do you want?

Do they have wedding cake?

No, they don't have wedding cake. Nobody has wedding cake.

You physically can't eat a whole wedding cake.

All right, dude, chill.

I'll just give you a vodka soda.

And then there's always the guy that ruins it, who's like beyond blocked out.

Like...

Gary, what do you want?

And he like leans in the microphone like, yeah, what's up? Can I get some

Okay.

Nobody gets food.

Nobody gets food.

You had one easy task.

Just point at a glowing menu.

It's a glowing, just point at it.

Pretty sure McDonald's is going to have pussy anytime soon.

Or a McPussy or whatever they would have.

Idiots.

Drunk friends.

I was reading a magazine the other day and they had an ad for Jack Daniels.

This was a real ad, which I loved. And it said, Jack Daniels, drink

Which made me laugh right away.

Because like... No one's ever been close to responsible.

Anytime I've drank Jack Daniels, I've never been close.

That's not like a responsible night.

There's no couple that's like, hey, honey, you want to stay in the night?

Yeah, let's make a fire.

Catch up on some Modern Family and just chug this handle of Jack.

No, it's never happened.

That's the wrong ad for that product.

All right?

That ad should be like, Jack Daniels.

Fucking good luck.

I... I

hope you don't suck your own dick

in front of your family.

It's the right ad for that product.

Yeah, the word whiskey in Gaelic means water of life, which is true.

And it sounds so much better when you tell a girl, I'm sorry, I have water of

life, dick.

Yeah,

I'm pretty picky about what I drink. I don't like frozen drinks.

A lot of chick friends are like, daiquiris, you guys, daiquiris.

Oh, my God.

What if we got daiquiris?

Daiquiris here.

Daiquiris.

Yeah, those drinks taste good, right? Frozen drinks, they taste good. But, you

know, guys, we don't look that cool drinking them.

Because they always come in, like, festive glasses.

You know what I mean? Like, Fat Tuesday, like, tubes.

And you're just sitting there like a guy at a bar, like...

Yeah,

it's a real good look.

God forbid you get into a fight or something.

What'd you say?

Because I don't want to brain freeze.

You drink it really fast. You taste kids and you're just like, ah!

No, I don't want to brain freeze.

It's the most painful thing on the face of the earth.

And I always think, who's the first guy to experience that?

Like a brain freeze? Imagine how horrible that would be if that happened

and you didn't know what was happening.

And that happened.

That would be awful.

So here's my impression of the first guy to experience that.

First guy to experience a brain freeze.

I'm going to say it's a guy who invented ice cream.

Why not?

And I'm going to make him British because that's fun for me to do in my

So it's my approach to the first guy, okay? Trying ice cream for the first

Experience a brain freeze.

He's like, all right, everyone.

I just created this delicious treat.

It's frozen.

It's called ice cream.

I'm trying it for the first time right now.

Here we go.

It's amazing.

Oh my God.

It's the best thing I've ever had. I'm going to eat it as fast as I can.

I'm going to eat it fast.

I'm just going to eat it.

So good. Oh my gosh. It's delicious.

Oh my fucking God.

Oh my God.

Somebody kill me.

Kill me.

Hit me with a brick.

the most pain I've ever felt in my life.

It was like piranhas were eating my brain.

They dumped them in my ear and they ate my brain away.

So try ice cream if you want, but there are demons inside of it.

That joke winded me.

Yeah, my chick friend, that's Jackery.

Girls are the best, drunk girls especially.

So great.

So great.

It's just free entertainment.

When a chick goes out drinking hard, it's just a free show.

Just sign up for what's happening.

It's so great.

And girls know, like, weird drinks that guys don't know. It's shots, random.

They'll be like, it's just shots, you guys.

What do you want to do, whiskey or tequila? Let's do a peanut butter

No, it's amazing.

My other favorite thing about girls is when they go out drinking.

And when they go out for, like, a big night.

You know, when shit's gonna get turnt.

Like, Saturday night. Like, hey, let's go out.

Okay.

Just give me, like, seven hours.

It's really quick.

Really quick.

And they put in so much effort. Like, girls, it's amazing.

I applaud it. Like, the whole makeup, just everything.

Perfect.

Hair.

The dress.

Everything is perfect.

Heels. Huge heels.

All that effort into getting fucking hammered.

Effort's gone at like 3 in the morning. You look like the Joker, like homeless.

Everything's smeared.

Heels don't work at all.

You're basically like Bambi at this point.

They're like ice skates.

Crying for no reason.

What's wrong? Why are you crying? The moon is weird.

Jesus.

Lord.

All that effort.

But the thing that always makes you laugh is heels.

Heels.

There's nothing more dangerous.

Like when you go out to get hammered, you need your balance.

That's a key component to drinking.

Balance.

Girls just wear it crazy.

I need to be this much taller.

Why? Are you going to the fucking NBA draft?

I thought we were going to a bar.

No, it's not funny.

Like, guys, we would be smarter about that when we drink, you know?

We're smarter about that. We know the night's going to get crazy.

If your buddy called you up and was like, hey man, let's get hammered.

You wouldn't be like, okay, cool.

Let me get my stilts.

Nick, that's a bad idea.

No, I'll be fine.

No, I'll get them safe, dude. Don't worry.

There's no way I'm falling down off these.

Go to the club.

I'm not a big club guy.

That's why I like Austin. He has the bars.

The good bars.

Bars are good.

I don't like nightclubs. It's not my thing.

Going to a nightclub.

I'm like, I love that song.

Can I get a beer?

How much? 400 bucks? Cool.

I don't like dress codes.

All right?

I don't like people telling me how to dress when I go out.

But yeah, no, it sucks.

Like door guys, what I love when they all, you know, like if you do go to a

club, they always get aggro.

They have like their headset.

They're like, you walk up, they're like, yeah, nope.

Yeah, that's not... Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, so, okay? Yeah, no.

Like, no baseball hats?

Maybe wear a button -down?

Maybe some khakis? Maybe some dress shoes?

I'm like, cool!

I'm not going to my mom's house on Easter.

Going like this douchey club I didn't want to be at. And then when you go

these places, which is funny, you see people dressed up really nice, nice

but they're not treating their clothes any better.

You know what I mean? It's not like they're being careful.

And I'm always like, yeah, I'm sure that's what Giorgio Armani had in mind

he made that suit.

That $1 ,000 suit. I'm sure he's like, I make the finest suit.

You wear it to the club.

You do a Jaeger bomb. You spill!

Then you puke.

Then you do cocaine, you wake up!

You grab your girl, then she pukes and pees down your back.

That is what I want from my suit.

I want a fucking t -shirt and a dress, like, whatever, you know what I mean?

Come on!

I don't do cocaine.

I've done cocaine.

That was back in kindergarten.

No,

I don't do that shit anymore.

You never hear this after a weekend of doing cocaine.

You never hear that.

Hey, you guys.

I'm really glad we did that.

That was a great idea, dude.

Those three days. Whose call was the eight ball at midnight?

Was that you, Gary?

Nice one, man.

Because I was thinking, I want to go to work on Monday feeling suicidal.

With the taste of batteries in my mouth.

God.

No.

Nope. This guy's so high on coke right now, it's crazy. It's like, it's hard to

watch it. He's so high on coke.

I won't be on camera at school.

Just get this guy fired.

My special airs at Boston watching, like, hey, that's, is that Steven? He's

coke?

Nick just said he was clearly on coke in the front row.

Okay, well, we gotta talk.

Is that one not fine?

Yeah, drunk chicks are funny, though.

This chick I was hanging out with the other day, I went out.

It's like 4 o 'clock, kind of Thursday.

She goes out. I'm going to go out.

I go, where are you going?

Uh, happy hour.

I go, who are you going with?

My girlfriend.

It's like that face that girls make when a guy will ask them a question. That's

an obvious question.

And they'll act like it's the stupidest question that's ever been asked on the

face of the planet.

Like, oh, who are you going with?

My girlfriend?

It's like the same face that girls make when they're driving.

Because they're psychotic behind the wheel.

And don't act like you're not.

Don't even act like you're not.

When a girl gets into a car.

I've seen it a million times. When a girl gets into a car, it's her road.

nobody else's road.

It's obviously her road.

There's no rules that apply.

They'll just improvise and pull a fucking just grand theft auto shit where

you're like, what are you doing?

You'll be driving on the freeway.

Car will do a U -turn in front of you. You're like, oh, I'm like, whoa!

And some girl like, yeah, I just did a U -turn on the freeway.

Yeah, I just drove through the drugstore.

It's called a shortcut?

It's so insane.

Like, if a girl's driving, I never call shotgun, ever.

I'm like, trunk, glove compartment, just any place covered in metal that's safe.

I'm not going to go blasting through a window.

So she goes to happy hour. I go, are you going to get shit -faced? She goes, no.

Cut to...

Three in the morning, full, homeless, joker, comes home.

So I go, what happened?

I thought you were going to get shit -faced.

She goes, I didn't plan on it.

She goes, I showed up at happy hour, and I told my friends, I was like, you

guys, no shots.

Let's just have cocktails, like, no shots.

Then the bartender...

brought over a tray of shots that he made for us.

And I felt bad because he made them for us.

I felt bad.

I'm like, yeah, he made you a shot.

That's not hard.

It's not impressive.

He didn't like weave you a gown or something that would be like amazing. He

wasn't like, oh my gosh, look at how beautiful these women are.

I'm going to weave them the most elegant gown they've ever seen.

This is almost impossible, but I don't care.

Their beauty transcends any pain I have in my hands.

Here, I made this for you.

No, this guy's a bartender. He was like, whoa, look at these whores.

Your train is pulled up to the horror station.

Two, two, two.

Horror. Horror.

Here you go. Let's go. Five peanut butter burritos right there.

Okay, cool. We're good? Okay.

Is he actually getting a handjob? Okay, cool.

Yeah.

It's just a funny excuse.

That's not bad.

I couldn't use that.

You can never use that.

If your girlfriend came home and there was another chick blowing you in the

living room, and she's like, um, what?

You can be like, I came home by myself.

She was already here, on her knees, and her mouth was open?

I mean, I felt bad.

That would not work.

I like when girls drink wine, and then pretend that they're not still raging

alcoholics.

I love that, like, little loophole.

Guys do it, too, with wine.

But girls, they're always hilarious.

Like, I have chicks that I know that settle down when they get married, have

kid. They just stay at home and just chug wine.

And then pretend that you're a train wreck.

They'll be like...

Nicky. Nicky, I have a drinking problem.

What do you mean?

You drink a lot of rice, doesn't it?

What are you drinking?

I am drinking wine.

That's alcohol.

Yeah, but it's good for your heart.

How many glasses have you had?

48.

How many hearts do you have?

48.

Was

that

a sultry, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm getting raped tonight, I guess, to be honest.

I'm like walking to the alley. That guy's going to be like, yeah.

Sweet Terry.

Reno 911 fans here.

Sweet Terry.

Sweet, precious Terry.

His simple brain.

I love that show. That was so much fun to do.

And my favorite thing about that show was I would get out of every ticket when

got pulled over.

Because every cop watched that show. They all loved it.

So every ticket, it was fine.

But the best part is that this is how it would happen.

So I'd get pulled over, and the cop would walk up to the car, you know, like

super aggro -y.

And he would walk up like this.

This is verbatim how it would go down.

He'd be like, yeah, do you know how fast you were going?

Fucking Terry, get out of here.

And I would totally

milk it too, which is even better. I'd be like, thank you officer.

It's like, yeah, okay, I get it. Jesus Christ.

Just go.

Miss Terry.

Look at a hungover George Washington right here.

Oh, my God.

That's horrifying.

In the most amazing way.

Yeah, the same chick the other day from the happy hour thing.

She went jogging.

And she went jogging and came home. And I was like, hey, how was your jog?

She was really upset.

She was like, my jog was horrible.

I go, what happened?

She goes, I was jogging and a group of guys yelled at me in sexual things that

were inappropriate.

And I was like, no way.

Did they chase you?

Did they touch you? Did they do anything?

She was like, no, they just yelled from like far away.

And I was like, no way.

Who cares?

And she goes, well, that's inappropriate.

You don't do that. I go, yeah, I'm sorry that happened. That sucks. That is

inappropriate. But guys are dumb. They just yell shit.

Just dumb guys.

You know, whatever.

You know, you look sexy.

Sports bra.

Hair's all sweaty. Looks like you just ran from like a gangbang or something.

I'm like, you look sexy.

But I was like, I guarantee you.

you would be a thousand times more upset if you went jogging past a group of

guys and they were like, hey, check her out.

Boo!

No!

Yuck! Boo!

No!

No! Keep running!

Fuck no!

Boo!

You'd be horrified.

You'd be so horrified.

You would come home like, fucking booed me.

I got booed.

That would be terrible.

But it would never happen to a guy, you know.

Never. If I went jogging, which I never will.

If I did though, and I like jogged past a group of girls, and they were like, oh

yeah.

I'd be like, what's up?

I think you mean, fuck yeah!

Gather round!

All of you gather!

Open your mouths!

Call your friends!

All of you!

There's enough for everyone!

I'd be like feeding pigeons. I'd be like, ooh.

like, how was your jog?

I'd be like, great. I came five times.

I love jogging.

It's amazing.

Sorry for jerking off on all of you guys, by the way.

Like some jizz Gallagher just for front row two rows.

Going to Nick's show tonight.

Do you think you'll jerk off on your face? I don't know.

Jury's still out on that.

I mean, I hope.

That's what I wanted to see.

Filth.

So you guys football fans here?

UT,

right?

I'll tell you my favorite thing. One of my friends from Austin.

Just big UT.

Big UT fan.

She's hardcore, like, yeah, I'm going to UT game.

So this is one of my favorites. This just encapsulates everything about just

Austin.

So she lives in Los Angeles now. So back in the day, the Rose Bowl, when it was

UT versus USC, and it was, yeah, it was like one of the sickest games ever. It

was Vince Young versus Leinart, I believe.

So it's the sickest game.

So she goes, I'm going. Me and my friends are going.

We're going to the game.

I was like, that's awesome. It's going to be a sick game. She goes, I know.

She goes, I'm going. We're going to tailgate at like 6 a .m.

I was like,

bold move.

But, you know, why not? It's a Rose Bowl.

This is my favorite.

So the next day, the game was insane.

Insane. So I call her. I'm like, oh, my God.

How did, did you just flip out?

I go, I would be huge sportsman. I would have lost if my team did that. She

goes,

I passed out.

I go, wait, please tell me you went to the game.

Nah, pregame too hard.

I go, really?

I passed out in my truck and I woke up and it was five in the afternoon.

fucking idiot!

She's like, I know!

Whatever!

At least we won. I was like...

It just rages

so hard.

This is like one of the best games.

I don't know. I mean, I tailgated pregame too, but you gotta make the

It's a huge part of the whole thing.

So like I said, I'm from Minnesota.

And I'm a diehard Minnesota Vikings fan.

Diehard. Sports is my life. I love sports more than anything.

People that don't like sports are fucking idiots.

It doesn't make sense to me.

I have friends who are like, I'm not a big sports fan.

I'm like, cool.

Lose my number.

So I'm at a charity event a couple years ago.

And the guy who runs the event comes up to me.

He goes, hey man, there's a guy here who wants to meet you.

He's a huge fan.

I go, cool. Who is it?

He goes, you're not going to believe this.

It's the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers.

So I go, I go, uh, no, fuck that.

That's the true story.

And the guy goes, what?

You don't want to meet him? I go, no, just tell him I left.

Just make something up.

And he goes, you can't do that.

It's a charity event.

I can't just lie to people at a charity event.

I'm like, he goes, what's your problem? I go, I'll tell you my problem.

I go, I'm going to meet him.

And he's going to be really cool.

And I'm really cool.

So I'm going to be really cool back.

Then we're going to do shots.

We're going to have some laughs.

Then we're going to become friends.

Then I won't hate the Packers anymore.

And then my life is fucking over!

As soon as you can't do that, you're an idiot.

So I'm like, alright, fine.

So I meet him, and that's what happened. We became really good friends.

He's a really good guy.

And now I don't hate the Packers as much. And it really sucks.

So I try to channel my energy into some other team. It doesn't make sense.

I'm like, yeah, take that, Chiefs.

It's like not the same at all.

But I'll tell you this. I told you that story to preface this one. It's one of

my favorite stories.

So I go, Aaron calls me up one time. He goes, hey, are you going to be in

Minnesota for the Vikings -Packers game?

I go, yeah.

He goes, you want tickets?

I go, yeah.

That's the main reason I'm friends with you.

So he goes, you want to get dinner the night before? I'm like, yeah, totally.

we go to the hotel, get dinner. So we're eating and this woman comes up. It's

about 70 years old. Sweet woman.

Comes up to the table. She's like, hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Aaron, we're from Green Bay.

We drove in for the game.

We're so excited.

You know that stupid fuck accent.

Minnesota is the same one, so I'm also shitting on myself there, so, in my

defense.

So she goes, we're coming to the game.

Kick some A tomorrow.

And he goes, thank you so much. It's very sweet of you. It was really nice.

And he turns to me and he goes, this is my friend.

Right away, I just go, wide receiver, Brad Stevens.

And then this woman, without missing a beat, just goes, I know you, Brad.

I'm like, you've seen me in the end zone a couple times, right?

She goes, oh yeah, I've seen you.

You score tomorrow, Aaron, throw him the ball.

Get him the ball.

So now I'm in the fucking NFL, which is amazing.

I've done no training, and I'm in the NFL.

So she goes, all right, thank you guys, and goes away.

And then Aaron turns to me and is like, what the hell was that?

I go, I don't know, bro, but throw me the fucking ball.

Because I will be wide open.

And I thought it was funny, and then I felt bad, because this woman's going to

go back to her family, this poor old woman, and be like, I was at dinner, and

saw Aaron Rodgers, and I don't know, wide receiver Brad Stevens.

And her family's going to be like, that's not a real guy.

Yeah, Brad Stevens, the wide receiver.

Yeah, he's on the roster. That guy doesn't exist.

Yeah, I saw him. He was eating food with Aaron.

I saw him.

Like, no, that's not a real person.

And they're going to turn to their family and be like,

we got to put her in a home, dude.

Yeah.

This is, that's it.

That's the last, that's the last straw.

This poor old woman's gonna get taken away like, I saw Brad Stevens!

I saw him!

You're hurting me!

All because I'm a foolish idiot.

Um, where are the cat people who like cats?

People who like cats?

Cats?

Decent. That's a decent response, actually.

One weird boo. Okay.

Alright,

we're the dog people. Like dogs.

Ferrets. We're the ferret people!

Alright, this next portion of my show is about how much I think cats are selfish

pieces of shit.

They are shitty, shitty animals.

They don't care about anyone.

They don't care about anybody.

And I'm sure you're like, hey Nick, what's the deal?

Why are you so mad at cats?

I'll tell you.

I got attacked by a cat.

Attacked. Sir, I don't mean scratched.

I mean attacked.

I don't know if you've ever been attacked by a house cat.

It is the most horrifying slash embarrassing thing that could ever

at one time. It's so embarrassing.

So my mom gets a new cat back in Minnesota.

She's all like, ah, you're coming into town.

She has that stupid accent too.

Bless her.

So you're coming into town. I have a new cat.

His name is Snowy.

Because he's white!

Ha ha ha! Mom!

She goes, you gotta meet him.

Oh, you gotta meet him.

That's what she kept saying.

I don't know how you meet a cat. Like, hey, what's up? Snowy, right?

Hey, what's up? Nick.

Yeah, I'm an actor. Whatever.

So you're a cat, right? That's cool. It's gotta be weird, right?

You're smaller and shit. Okay, cool.

But I make an effort. Okay, it's my mom. It's her cat she loves.

She goes to sleep one night.

It's late, like 2 .30 in the morning.

I'm like, you know what? I'm going to clock in some hours with old Snowy here.

She goes to bed. I'm in my boxers because I'm ready for bed too.

So I'm like, hang out with Snowy. So we're like lying on the carpet.

I'm petting him.

It's a nice moment.

He's petting me.

It's nice.

All of a sudden, he snaps.

Just snaps. On a dime.

Out of nowhere, he just jumps up. And he's like... And just stares at me like

I'm a fucking avatar or something.

He can't process all of a sudden what's going on.

Just stares at me. And he did it, like, on his own.

Like, I didn't, like, finger his asshole.

And then he, like, flipped out.

It wasn't like, hey, why are you being weird?

weird. You know how you get fingered?

Weirdo.

No, on his own, just jumps up and then does the crazy shit cat move where he

just looks at me and just goes, Oh!

Oh!

Now, that's not a positive sound.

I can pretty much figure that out.

That's not going to end well.

He's not going to be like, hooray!

No.

It's a bad sound.

I don't even know where it comes from in the cat's body. It's like from the

depths of hell.

Oh my god.

I love that sound in the summer when you hear it.

Like when you're in your house and you have the window open.

And you just hear, like, in an alley somewhere, like... You're like, shit's

going down over there.

Shit is going down out there.

I always feel like women should use that sound.

Yeah, if you're, like, at a bar or a club and, like, some guy's being a dick,

like, what's up, bitches?

Just look at him and be like...

Okay, I'm good.

Where's the bathroom?

I just shit myself.

As soon as the category hisses at me, then he attacks.

I'm in my underwear, by the way, boxer shorts, just ravaging my legs.

I don't know what to do. It's a fucking cat.

I'm like, don't do that.

Please stop doing that. Please don't do that. I don't like that.

That is something...

Awful.

Part of me wanted to end the whole thing right there.

And just be like... Just some blood

sport, like, roadhouse.

But I didn't. It's my mom's cat. I'm a nice guy.

Not a psycho.

So I did the manly thing.

Alright, guy?

And I ran.

I was like, No!

Go away.

Go away, Snowy! Go away!

Then I hide.

It's even more embarrassing.

So I run into the bathroom and hide from a fucking cat.

Let's reiterate that.

It's a cat.

So I hide. I close the bathroom door. I'm like, oh my God.

What do I do?

No idea what to do. Scared.

I call the police. It's like a weird thing.

Can you deal with cats?

So I'm holding the door. I catch myself holding the door.

I don't know why. He's not going to come through the door.

It's not going to be like The Shining or something. He's like going to chip away

through the door like a...

With his claw like, here's Snowy!

So this is why cats are assholes. But they're also smart. I'll give them that.

So I'm holding the door.

The cat, I don't know this, goes through the living room, through the kitchen,

through the back bedroom, to the other door of the bathroom behind me.

I don't know that.

So I'm like figuring out what I'm going to do. I just hear...

attacks me again.

Again, I lose.

Round two goes with Snowy.

And then the next day, I wake up excited to tell my mom that her cat is crazy.

And I literally wake up.

My mom's cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

Snowy's on the couch like... And then I walk in. My legs are bloody as shit.

And I walk in.

Snowy's like...

What happened to your legs?

And my mom is like, sees me. She's like, sees my legs. She's like, oh.

Oh.

What happened?

I go, what happened?

Apparently, Snowy is addicted to PCP.

And he freebases it when you go to sleep at night.

And then he loses his fucking mind!

And this is why women have like a weird connection with cats.

I've known my mom my whole life.

Whole life. Day one.

Day one.

She's had this cat for a month.

My own mother looks at her son and his bloody legs.

And after I said that the cat did it, she looks at me and just goes, no.

You did that.

I did that to myself.

I did that.

I cut my own body up to frame a cat.

But this is why dogs are great. A dog will save your life.

It'll save your life, legitimately.

If it can't fight somebody off, it'll at least warn you, it'll at least help

somehow. You know what I mean? If somebody, a guy comes in your house with

machete, a ski mask, a dog will be like...

Is that a machete?

Oh, my God.

And a ski mask?

That guy's not going skiing.

Nick's asleep.

Oh, my God.

I got to tell him. I got to tell him. Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

Nick! Nick!

Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

Try to warn you.

You know what a cat's going to do? A cat's going to be like... Oh

my God.

Is that a machete?

That's a machete.

And a ski mask.

And Nick's asleep.

And Nick's fucking Dead.

Okay.

I want to go to the bathroom in this box right here.

When you're done killing Nick, can you change that box? That'd be great.

Super tired.

Need another nap.

It's my seventh nap because I'm exhausted from doing fucking nothing all

Because I'm a shitty asshole cat.

Yeah, nobody's ever afraid.

You don't even need to have a dog for you to be afraid of a dog.

Just put up a sign on your house.

Watch out for dogs.

Nobody rolls up to a house.

Some burglar, like, this is the house right here.

Shit.

He's got three cats.

I'm not going anymore. You can go if you want, but sign your own death wish,

dude.

I got a text message the other day from a random number.

It's always a fun feeling.

Right? When you get a little rando text.

Your phone buzzes. You're like, okay.

Not programmed, right? Just a number. So I get a text from like that. It was

like, hey, what's up?

I'm like, nothing.

What's up with you?

It's fake into whoever it is.

So they replied.

not much, what's your plan tonight?

So I'm like, they have my phone number, they must know who I am.

So I go, I'm actually drinking a bottle of vodka right now, debating shoving it

up my asshole.

What's your plan?

There was a pause, and they replied, oh, I'm just hanging out with Uncle

Pat.

It was my 11 -year -old niece.

11 years old.

Nice move there, Uncle Nick.

She got a new phone for her birthday.

My family thought it'd be hilarious, so they gave her my number.

Not give me the heads up.

Her loose cannon, drinking comedian uncle, who's always inappropriate.

And I had to go home for the holidays after that, and everyone was like, How'd

the bottle of vodka from Nick probably do some magic trick with his anus?

I don't think anybody wants to see that.

But you get into shit like that with your phones, it's like, like I'm always

sexting.

Yeah, this guy.

That guy's so horny.

Woo!

So I'm always sexting, and I'm also texting at the same time.

So I go back and forth, okay?

And I'm also drinking.

And then you get those texts and sex mixed up, and it gets a little awkward.

I'll be like, hey, what the fuck?

My dad's like, what?

I guess it'd be worse if he was like, yeah, I'm down.

Oh, God.

Why did that happen?

So this is my last phone story.

It was football season last year, and I was watching the game with my buddies.

And one of my friends goes, hey, let's get some pizzas.

I go, yeah, I'm down. Because my buddy's got a pizza place down the street. I'm

like, cool. He goes, I'll call him up. My phone's dead. Can I use your phone?

Calls the guy I don't know on my phone. Hey, I'm at Swartzen. Can I get some

pizzas? Okay, cool. Thanks.

Hangs it up.

The guy texts me back on my phone.

He goes, hey, Nick, can I bring over some buddies?

So I'm like, I'm getting pizza. I'm like, K.

Just text him K.

My finger slipped.

K, K.

Spell check.

Decided to step in.

And changed it to three M's.

So picture what I just replied to a guy I don't know.

Hey, can I bring over some buddies?

And then I reply, mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Buddies.

Let's skip those pizzas and just dig right in to those buddies.

Mmm.

Why would Spellcheck even put that ever?

When the fuck does anybody ever say that? He never said that.

If your buddy's like, hey, you want to go get some lunch? You wouldn't be like,

yeah, totally.

And Spongebob knows it well enough.

So stupid.

You got to be careful with your phone, all right?

Tell you a couple things I don't understand.

Farting.

My act is very mature, by the way.

I don't understand farting.

Okay, that's directed right at that guy.

Yeah. It seems like he just farted, so that's all.

I don't understand farting, okay? I don't understand it. How come when

else farts, it's the worst thing ever, right? You're immediately angry.

You want to get away.

It's just anger.

Immediate. You smell it. You're like, ow!

Go away!

Why'd you do that?

Not cool, man.

Go outside.

Angry.

But when you fart, it's great.

It's totally great.

You lay down the worst fart ever. You're like, that is horrible.

That's the worst thing ever. That's the worst thing I've ever smelled.

Oh, that's the worst thing I've ever. Oh, my God. You just

sit in it.

It's over here.

It's like a zombie's asshole.

It makes no sense.

It's the closest thing guys will have to childbirth and being proud of something

that they made out of their body.

Yeah, you get proud, you know.

You've laid down a hot one.

You're like... Hello, son.

Go out into the world.

Make new friends.

I miss you so much.

He gets sad.

Fart goes away.

He's a little fart baby.

Don't understand farting. Don't understand another thing.

Urinal.

Don't get it.

Alright, I'm not trying to be gross, ladies.

But guys, what's the deal here?

How come when you walk up to a urinal, you've done it a million times?

You'll walk up and you'll look down at the urinal and there's just pubes.

There's just pubes just sprinkled about the urinal.

Just foreign pubes, just weird random pubes just sprinkled about like some

fairy came along and left a little gift.

Here's some pubes for all the children.

Floats away to pubic land.

It literally makes no sense to me. I've peed my whole life in urinals. I've

never in my life, I don't know if that's happened to you, where you just walk

into a urinal and I'm like, wow, these pubes keep falling off my body.

Wow, pubes get back on.

Wow, it's just snowing pubes right now.

Oh my God, it's never happened.

Have you ever tried to pull one pubic hair out?

Maybe the most painful thing on the face of the earth.

Somehow guys are just shedding.

God.

Some ritual I miss where guys mark their territory with their pubic hair.

I don't know about it. Some guy thing where guys walk up to a urinal like,

there's no pubes on this.

Well, I'm going to change that.

walk away.

God.

Horrible.

That was a fart joke into a pubic hair joke.

And I'm an adult.

Yeah.

I was doing press for this special and some of the press guys were like, so we

got a new special coming out. What do we look forward to? I'm like,

drinking, farting pubes.

They're like, oh, really? I'm like, yeah.

Not going to get too political from old Swartzen.

I'm not going to come to his show. I'm in a suit like, okay, here's the deal

with democracy.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nope. Drinking, farting pubes. Yep. That's how

roll. That is how I roll.

That's how I roll.

I, uh, I fly a lot for this job, which I hate.

I hate flying.

It's my biggest fear. I hate it.

I was flying. Why are you wooing me?

Woo! Fierce!

Woo! Fierce!

I flew here the other day, and the guy next to me on my plane fell asleep.

And he fell asleep like this. He was like... Pardon me, because I'm crazy.

Want to get up on my chair and put my dick in his mouth?

Just so when he woke up, like, whoa, man.

And then try to cover it, be like, whoa, sorry.

I thought you were somebody else, man. Sorry about that. Sorry.

That's on me. Sorry.

Who would I be?

Who would ever want that?

Yeah, fears.

My friend's girlfriend the other day, this was true. She goes, my biggest fear

is.

Roller coasters?

Those are biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

I'm like, you know what?

Then don't go on one.

I'm like, problem solved.

Don't go on one. Other fears, spiders, snakes.

Those can just appear anywhere.

You can be sleeping. A spider will just say, hey, what's up? Crawl into your

mouth.

Yeah, that'll happen to you tonight.

Yep, right there.

A roller coaster? It's not going to sneak up on you.

You're not going to go to sleep like, good night, you guys. So tired right

What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

What's going on?

That's never going to happen.

I'll tell you one flight I had that I did like, though.

It's my favorite flight I've ever done in my life.

It's a true story. I was flying from Los Angeles to New York. It's a long

flight. It was for work, so I got to fly first class, which is always great.

I sit down in my seat.

I look next to me.

Sitting next to me is Liv Tyler, the actress.

Pretty great.

She's gorgeous. I'm a huge fan.

I love Lord of the Rings, one of my favorite movies.

She played the elf princess.

Remember? She was like...

So

I was stoked.

But I didn't want to fan out. You know what I mean?

Be a creep, like, hey, so what are the elves up to?

Air marshal.

So I was like, just chill out. So the best thing to do is just go to sleep.

So I put my seat back.

Then a minute later, she puts her seat back.

So now I'm sleeping next to Liv Tyler.

Like we're some old married couple.

Now I can't sleep. I'm just staring at her like, is this happening right now?

My dreams are all weird. It's like orcs fisting each other.

Some middle earth orgy. Glowing blue dicks. It's just weird.

Nobody needs that.

So I finally fall asleep.

On this flight.

I'd only seen this a couple times.

For first class they made chocolate chip cookies.

They heated up fresh chocolate chip cookies.

So I didn't know that.

So I'm sleeping.

And I just smell that smell.

Hey player.

So I like wake up in a half sleep. I'm like, oh, what's that smell?

You know, like when you blurt shit out in like a half sleep.

Oh, what's that smell?

Without missing a beat, Liv Tyler looks at me and just goes, cocky.

Cocky.

I was like, that's the best way to wake up ever.

I'm sleeping next to Liv Tyler?

Cookies are being made? I don't know that.

And now she's whispering their arrival?

I'm like, the only thing better if they're like three elves giving me a

at the same time.

That would have been amazing.

And I'm glad it was Liv Tyler.

And not some other random celebrity.

Like Gary Busey or something.

That would have been a way different experience.

That would have been way more intense.

I would have woken up like, what's that smell?

I was watching figure skating the other day.

It's pretty awesome. Love figure skating.

It was pairs.

It was a guy and a girl together, which is beautiful.

Okay? There's a lot of trust in that sport.

Girl with a little skirt.

Little petite girl skating.

And then the guy throws the girl in the air.

A lot of trust there.

She skates up to him.

He's like, okay.

Go, bitch.

And he just chucks her.

That's a lot of trust if somebody throw you. And I think it's very beautiful.

And I also think it would be the best commercial campaign for where will you

when your diarrhea comes back.

That would be horrifying.

Can you picture a worse scenario?

You're some cute girl in the Olympics.

You're skating your heart out. You get that first hint.

that something's wrong with your stomach.

Everybody knows that firsthand. Everybody.

When your stomach's like, hey, guess what?

Storms are coming.

The worst feeling.

You're just hanging out, all of a sudden it's like...

Not

now.

Imagine being in the Olympics with some cute little girl with a little skirt.

Then you have that jump coming up, horrified.

Gate up to the guy.

Don't throw me, don't throw me.

I can't hear you. Fuck.

Don't throw me, don't throw me.

I seriously don't, I don't, wait, I don't know what he said.

Don't throw me. Go, bitch.

He's just in the air like.

Just a shit sprinkler.

Fucking ice looks like cinnamon toast.

If she lands that thing, just give her the gold.

Just no questions asked.

I don't care how many points she's behind.

That's a gold medal.

All right, you guys, I gotta go. Thank you so much for coming to the show.

Once again, you guys are always amazing.

I will always come back.

Be safe tonight. Thank you for hanging out with me.