All language subtitles for Mrs Merton and Malcolm s01e06

I've not done vol -au -vent.

I think they're too much for a funeral.

It's the flaky capacity of them. Come
on, Malcolm.

Can we get the cling film off these?

Have you noticed something?

Not putting the jaffa cakes out.

I couldn't.

Maybe your dad's favourite.

Oh, just think, Malcolm. I'll never be
washing the chocolate off his pyjamas

again. Come on, ma 'am. You've got to be
strong.

Yes, you're right.

Can't think of me now.

Not when there's a buffet to be sorted.

I'll get it.

Mr Malick, ma 'am.

Hello, Mr Malick.

Hello, Mrs Martin. I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

It was such a shock.

All those prescriptions you lovingly
prepared for him.

Weren't they not in the end, were they?

He was such a marvellous man.

Yes.

You never actually met him, did you?

No, but I do feel I knew him through all
the prescriptions I dispensed for him.

What a lovely thought.

Come and sit down, Mr Malick.

Malcolm's on sherry duty.

Would you like a sherry, Mr Malick?
Sometimes I think that's the best

of all.

It was a lovely service.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

Didn't you have big teeth that big, eh?

Thank you.

May I say, Malcolm, I thought your
recorder recital was very moving.

Thank you, Mr Malick.

What was that tune?

Three Blind Mice.

Ah.

Do you know, I only promised to own the
ask in Office B last week.

It's as if I knew I was sending him off
to meet his maker with baby soft feet.

Would they be pumice stones from my
shop, Mrs Merton?

Yes. Actually, I think they were on
special offer. Oh, it's lovely to spread

little happiness.

Malcolm, one morning.

Thank you for being a pallbearer, Mr
Malick. Well, I could see Arthur and

Malcolm were struggling.

One point it was touch and go whether
Arthur would be joining him.

Oh.

Hello, Arthur.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, thank you, Arthur. Come and sit
down.

Funeral? I don't know, eh?

Malcolm's on sherry duty if anybody
wants.

Well, a sherry. Sherry?

I don't know, eh?

How are you holding up, Dorothy?

Well, to be honest, Arthur, I'm in a
state of complete shock.

Get Arthur, Michelle and Malcolm.

Oh, it was all so sudden.

One minute, he was there, gasping for
breath.

Next minute, popped downstairs, made
himself a sandwich and had a bit of a

background. Popped back up, and there he
was, dead.

His little frail hand reaching out for
the medicine bottle.

Who, what?

Mr Merton.

Remember? We buried him earlier. Oh,
yes.

Only brought him some nut brittle
Thursday.

Oh, well, I've put that out there.

It's a shame to let it go to waste.

You'll eat dead man's nut brittle, won't
you, Mr Malick?

Still, life must go on.

Obviously, not my dear departed
husband's.

Yeah, Mr Capstake, thank you. Ooh, now,
there's potted beef on finger rolls, and

then there's ham and Branston for those
that like Branston, and for those that

don't, there's ham and no Branston.

No, thank you.

I don't think I could eat a thing.

Ooh, I know how you feel. I'm exactly
the same myself.

I had such a big breakfast.

Didn't the vicar have big teeth?

Oh, yes, he had a look of Bugs Bunny
about him, I'll tell you that.

He was a very nice man, though. Very
modern in his thinking.

That was his idea, you know, that bouncy
castle at the side of the cemetery.

Kids have got no time for funerals, you
see.

Made you take your shoes off, though,
didn't you, Malcolm?

Yeah, but I could still see if I bounced
high enough, ma 'am.

Hula hoop, Arthur.

Arthur, hula hoop.

Don't hula hoop.

Oh, don't just take one. They won't fill
you up. Take two.

You're a fan of whole oats, Mr Malick.

If absolutely pushed on savoury titbits,
I would go for sour cream and chive

pringles.

I've always thought you had exotic
taste, Mr Malick.

Is Judith Butts holding down the fort
for you at the chemist? Yes, Mrs Malick

helping her, so I can't stop long. The
place will be pandemonium. She gives out

carrier bags like they were fresh air.

I don't know, eh?

Mr Merton tetters a dodo?

It doesn't seem two minutes ago since Mr
Merton and I were scrumping apples from

Mr Yentob's garden.

We were fourteen.

Old man Yentob, he came out shouting. We
ran off like the wind.

We had a big fence, and I gave Mr Merton
a leg up, and I was waiting for him to

pull me up, but he runs off.

Oh, I did get a good hiding from Mr
Yentob.

It's a lovely memory.

I remember the first time we went on a
date, me and Mr Merton.

We went to the pictures and he was so
excited. He was already in there waiting

for me.

I remember the school nativity and Dad
so wanted me to do well that when I

forgot my line, he smacked my legs all
the way home. Didn't he, Mum?

Yes, he did.

Oh, it's lovely.

Nobody's got a bad word to say about
him.

I remember the first prescription I
dispensed for him. Little did I know it

would be the first of thousands.

If only I had more customers like that.

You'll be sadly missed.

I'll get it, ma 'am.

He's such a rock, Malcolm, in times of
stress.

It's only me being alive that's keeping
him from being an orphan.

Children are much stronger than we
think, Mrs. Martin.

Remember when his hamster died?

Shh! Oh, don't remind him of that.

We don't want him upset today of all
days.

Rebecca, ma 'am. Oh, hello, Vicar.

Hello. Oh, do sit down.

You know Mr. Malick and Arthur, don't
you?

What do you like? For sharing, Vicar.

Oh, no.

Thank you for coming back. You've added
an ecclesiastical angle to my buffet.

I can't stop long.

I must say thank you for that lovely
service, Vicar.

Certainly was.

Yes, I must agree.

Yes.

I'm sorry I got the name wrong.

Oh, it's an easy mistake to make. I've
done it myself numerous times.

Anyway... Arthur didn't mind you using
his name, did you, Arthur?

No.

It's good practice for when I go.

Well,

it was a good turnout, wasn't it?

Yes, it was very good. Yeah.

How many people were there, do you
reckon?

One, two, three, four, five.

Five?

Oh, and Dad and our six.

Oh, yes, it mustn't forget you, Dad.

Oh, and Titov, and how soon we forget.

You have a lovely

house, Mrs Merton.

Oh, you've never been here before, have
you?

The vicar before you, he was never out
of this house.

Mind you, between me and you, it used to
get right on me nerves, but that's

clergy for you.

Anyway, how are you settling in?

Well, it's a thriving community, Heaton
Norris. I'm very keen on expanding the

youth element, getting the young people
back into the church.

Yes, I think that's very important, get
the youth off the street and away from

my shop windows.

I bet my Malcolm's got loads of ideas on
that front.

Have you, Malcolm?

Er, no.

We're actually thinking of having a
discotheque for the youth next Thursday

between 5 .30 and 7 .30pm.

I'm actually the DJ.

Oh, what do you think? Should we go to
that, Malcolm?

Yeah.

What about you, Arthur?

Discotheque? I don't know.

Yes, I'll come.

Mr Malick?

I'm not sure I agree with discotheques,
but if it keeps my windows from being

broken, then I'm all in favour, yes.

I must stress it is for the youth.

Yes. Well, your discotheque idea, it's
been a big hit.

That other clown who had your job before
you, he didn't have a clue, if you

don't mind me saying.

Christmas wish drive and that was him
finished.

Sherbert Lemons. They were his
favourite.

Who?

Mr Merton.

He'll never suck another.

One day we shall all suck our last
sherbet lemon.

Shall we put the music on?

Shall we put Dad's favourite tape on,
Mum?

Yes, it'll be a lovely tribute.

Pennsylvania, six, five, thousand.

Pennsylvania,

six, five.

Pennsylvania 6500.

We'll be playing any Glenn Miller down
at your discotheque, Vicar.

Um, no.

Oh, we used to love Glenn Miller.

My late dead husband.

Oh, I bet he won't be up there five
minutes before his mothering, glad to

him something on his angel's trumpet.

What sort of instruments have he allowed
these days in heaven?

I think it's still harps, mainly.

And recorders? No.

When he's, you know, up there...

Will you be fully mobile again?

Yes, yes.

Oh, oh, it'll be a whole new lease of
life for him, so to speak.

Well, in the midst of life we are in
death, so it follows.

In the midst of death we are in life.

The moving finger writes and having writ
moves on.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Would you like some trifle, Arthur?

Mr Malick?

No, thank you.

Trifle, Vicar?

Mark, Mark, are we all right?

I'm just thinking about my dad.

What's brought that answer?

I don't know.

You're probably feeling all sorts of
emotions.

It's only natural when the death of a
loved one occurs.

Don't worry, we'll still come to your
disco, Vicar.

It's what Arthur would have wanted.

No, he's Arthur.

You've got the name wrong again. No, no,
I'm Arthur.

No, that's what I'm saying. He's saying
you're Mr Martin.

No, he's dead.

We buried him this morning, you know.

I carried the coffin.

Me too. It was the least we could do.

I'm so sorry. That is unforgivable. I'm
usually so good with names.

Well, I must press on. I've got another
two funerals to get through today, so...

Oh, my husband's started a craze.

Three funerals in one day.

That's the cross I have to bear.

Right, well, hope to get to see you
before you're burying me.

Well, at least you'll have the name
right.

Can I apologise once again for getting
Mr Merton's name wrong?

Oh, we've forgotten all about that.

Life's too short.

We'll see you at your disco, Vicar. Bye.

Cheers.

Thanks ever so much for coming back.

I thought he'd never go.

He hasn't got a clue in, has he?

I'm sorry I got the name wrong.

Who does he remind me of?

He's doing the vicar, Arthur.

Oh, this room needs a damn good airing.

It's funny how you can still smell him,
isn't it?

Now, what sounds best to you, Mr Malick?

I don't know. I'd have to inquire from
Mrs Malick.

Then I'm thinking this won't fit you.

I'll give it you, Arthur.

Oh, and there's some pyjamas here you
can have and all.

Now, the ones he died in aren't in that
pile.

I couldn't give you those.

Not without a quick rinse.

Oh, Arthur, you'll be pleased to know I
didn't bury him in his bath, though.

Seemed to wake him out.

I kept it back for you.

That's very kind of you.

Now... Oh, Mr Mallet, you've not got
anything yet.

What size shoes are you? That I do know.

Seven.

Evans. Could you see yourself squeezing
into fives?

These have got leather uppers.

I'll give it a go. In memory of Mr.
Merton.

What can I have, ma 'am?

Oh, Malcolm, you're like a vulture
picking at a corpse.

Have you no respect?

Oh, where's some slidin' tassel?

Slidin'? I don't know, eh?

I'm sure I'll find some use for him.

I left his ring on him.

Oh, do you know... I was two hours
trying to bribe this off him. Then I

blow it, if he wants it that bad.

Oh, now we're in here with the stale,
musty smell of him. Oh, it's hit me very

hard. Come on.

Come on, Mum. We'll get through this
together.

Come on, Malcolm.

You're crying.

I don't know.

Now, come on. You're only upsetting
yourselves.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, most certainly.

I think it'll be easy when we get rid of
the smell.

I've got some lovely air freshener on
special offer. That'll be just the job.

Oh, Mr Mallet, you're a godsend.

Now, thinking on, I've got some mess
they never quite got through.

You may as well have these back.

You might have better luck with someone
else.

That's me, you see. Always thinking
about it.

You're truly a saint, Mrs. Martin.

Yes.

Now, seeing as we don't need this
medicine trolley, we can move my bed up

where I've always wanted.

Come on, jump up.

I'll set those, Mr. Mallet, and you go
down there. All right, come on, Arthur.

Come on, Malcolm, calmly.

It'll be easy to lift now he's not in
it. Right.

After three.

Three.

I think Malcolm's taking it very well.

Yes, he is.

Oh, do you remember what he was like
when Hammy died?

Was that his hamster?

Yes. I've never seen anybody cry so much
over one rodent.

A cut of cream, Mr Capstick.

They're all the same, aren't they?

Yes.

Three carrier bags full of stuff he took
with him.

You wouldn't have thought he'd have
wanted someone else's toothbrush,

would you?

Dorothy, will it still be all right if I
pop round as usual?

What with Mr Merton being, shall we
say... Dead, Arthur.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Well, thinking about it would be a
relief for you not to have to go

and down all them stairs.

Oh, it swings and roundabouts this death
lock, doesn't it?

It's only two minutes ago I was bumping
up that life insurance policy.

You're still getting fitter wardrobes
with the money, ma 'am. Yes, I think you

would have liked that.

Can I still have that Scarlett's trick?

Yes.

It's funny, isn't it, Arthur?

Even in the depths of despair, you can
feel a little joy.

Well, I'll be making my way back after
this tea.

I'm defrosting myself a nice bit of
finny haddock just to cheer myself up.

Life has to go on.

We're having told in the old.

Tremendous!

What a day it's been today.

I don't think I could go burying my
husband every day.

Do you think he'll be up by the pearly
gates yet?

I expect he'll just be feeling his feet
a bit.

He's well bummed his feet, thanks to me.

What are they doing, Evan, ma 'am?

Well, they're sitting round a fountain.

dressed in white sheets, and they tell
each other anecdotes.

And every now and again, they have a
little look down at us.

A lot might be to Finny Haddock if he
cares to take a look. Oh, yes, he will.

Oh, Arthur, I hope he's not up there
showing off his operations card.

Who?

Right.

my trusted friend we've known each other
since we were nine

or ten together we've climbed hills and
trees learned of love and

ABC's skimmed our hearts and skinned our
knees goodbye to you

it's hard to die when all the birds are
singing in the

sky

Now that the spring is in the air,
pretty flowers everywhere,

think of me and I'll be there.

Oh, that's your dad as a baby.

Why's he wearing girls' clothes?

Oh, it didn't seem to matter in those
days.

That's your Nana Merton.

Is that a beard?

Yeah.

Is that you and Nana again there?

No.

That's me with a gorilla at Chester Zoo.

That's me and your dad at the altar
getting married.

What's that?

It's Arthur's bag.

He didn't like to leave it outside. He
padlocked it to the pulpit.

Oh, look.

That's me and your father on our
honeymoon.

Who's that in between you?

That's Arthur.

Didn't he have a lot of hair then?

People used to mistake him for Jimi
Hendrix.

Now they're all arriving on our
honeymoon.

What's that in the background?

Jodrell Bank.

What is Jodrell Bank, Mum?

I don't know. We were so in love we
didn't care.

Your father was fascinated with it.

Oh, why's Dad crying there?

Well, you've just been born.

Very emotional time it was.

That's you with Father Christmas.

Is it?

Oh, no, it's your nana again in her red
dress.

Come on, sweaty Betty.

And that's you in your first school
play. You're absolutely brilliant.

Who played the front half?

I can't remember, Mum.

That's one of your dad in his uniform.

Oh. Oh, doesn't he look handsome?

He married me wearing that.

There he is again, innit? Emptying the
postbox.

What did Dad do after he left the post
office, Mum?

Well, your Dad and Arthur, they were
going to set up their own business,

neutering cats.

But then they found out that you needed
qualifications.

Oh, actually, Dad's party is birthday.

Look at all the nurses trying to prop
him up.

That's your father's bottom.

The Lake District.

What's that, Mum?

Oh.

That was the first love poem your father
wrote for me.

Can I read it?

Yes, you're old enough now.

Thank you, Mrs Merton, for being so
kind.

I often think of you in my mind.

You're always so kind and loving.

I never think of you as nothing.

He made that up himself.

Those tear stains, ma 'am.

No, that was the start of its
incontinence.

None of us can live forever, but it's a
comfort to know he's up there in heaven.

Can't stop worrying, though, ma 'am.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Of course he'll be all right.

Your dad's with him now, and he's got
his little wheel to run around.

You all right now, son?

Yeah.

Are you all right, Mum?

Now Dad's not here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Night. Night.

Mum?

Yes? I'll look after you now.

I know you will, son.

I know you will.

Oh, I knew it was better this side.